Day 4 - Dark + Light (Capture Your Grief Project)

Day 4: Dark + Light - It is said that grief has two sides. Dark and light. This is true. Even for instance the difference between yesterday and today. I'll be the first to admit, days on end of rain, started to really get to me. When you don't see the sunshine (even if it's not warm sun) for days on end... Even if you're not emotionally unstable, I would think it would start getting to you. I come from a long line of seasonal affective disorder, which I have thus far refused to medicate for and I also refused to medicate for Emma's passing because I poured myself into trying to conceive, then was pregnant and didn't want to take anything and now with exclusively breastfeeding, i refuse to take anything. Years I've struggled with it. It starts in November really, sometimes October. Which coincidentally is hard for me, now, seeing as Emma passed early September and all of September leads up to October. Today the sun is shining. I've already been up, given Shade some allergy medicine and a breathing treatment. Made coffee for myself, left Isaac in bed with Tommy to snuggle, made Shade hot chocolate by the fireplace and have made Tommy coffee. I'm up and going, because of the sun. It's not like I don't have plenty to be happy for. I also have plenty to be sad for. But the point is, there are dark spots and light spots in anything but especially grief and the healing process. Some days are harder than others. Even Shade's demeanor is improved with a little sun. I have some productive activities planned for today, mainly around cleaning and laundry but i won't push it. I'm not even 2 weeks post op. These are the light days. But there will be more dark days. Early on in my grief i would see someone who was pregnant, someone who had a newborn, someone who had more than one child and especially those who had an older boy and younger girl. Those particular types of people took me to a dark, jealous place. Sometimes they still do. Because I assume(d) they don't know how lucky they are. I assume they will go through a loss free pregnancy and childhood and never know the pain I know. You know what they say about assuming. #captureyourgrief #projectheal #carlymarie