16 weeks {Tuesday Again}
so of course like always it is Tuesday again, can't stop the progression of time...
Like someone said today, it'll be Tuesday again next week and then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and eventually I will find peace in Tuesdays.
I dunno about the peace part. I have been in decent spirits today. But in 10 minutes, it'll be December 24th, and as if Tuesdays weren't bad enough, I have to add a stupid Wednesday into the mix. Christmas Eve holds a spot in my heart and a trigger for my emotions... I can feel my nervous bowel kicking in already just blogging about it. Sad part? I'm at work. 1 year ago, around 5pm on 12/24, I found out I was pregnant. Lord, if I only knew how it would turn out. Then I would have been crazy. Crazier than I was hormonally pregnant anyway. I had just gotten terminated from my 2nd job as a nurse.
I had tested 4 days before. Bfn. Something told me to run to town and buy some tests after Christmas Eve dinner at Tommy's maternal grandparents. We went to Rite-Aid and got some of their brand blue dye tests. It was evening urine. I had held my pee about 3 hours. I sat on the toilet, peed on that stick and wondered if I had even hit it with my pee... ha. I did. 2 or 3 minutes later, the test dried and there it was, that one dark blue line, and a little plus sign forming in the form of a dark horizontal line, and a very faint vertical one. I googled faint pregnancy test, and learned that even if it is so faint as barely seeable, it was positive. So I was in shock. I sent Jessi a text, then went to the living room and told Tommy. He was in shock... I don't think he believed me! We packed it up, went to Hazard to try to find some sort of shirt for Shade to wear so that I could take a picture of him wearing it (big brother) so I could send it to my Mom who was at work... and so we could announce it to Tommy's side of the family at Chinese Christmas at Ellen's. I found a shirt, almost too small...at JC Penney. I went across the bypass to CVS to purchase a 'good' pregnancy test, as I didn't feel like braving Wal-Mart. I was just hoping that here at like 6:30 or 7:00pm that something would be open, but everything was. We got lucky. I bought 2 digital tests. We headed back home. By that time I had held my urine again for another 2 ish hours. I went through the same routine... pee on the stick for 5 seconds. Recap. Sit on counter. It flashed the waiting symbol for about a minute or so. Then there it was, plain as day "PREGNANT". That word, just confirmed it. It hit me then. I took it and handed it to Tommy. It was real. Only a 2 ish hour hold, evening urine...my eggo was preggo with baby #2. So I took the photo. Sent it in an e-mail to Mom. Called her at work, got her to open her email at work. It took her a minute to realize what the shirt says and she said "No way..." like she was in disbelief. And she asked me how did I know and I explained that I took 2 tests...haha. And I sent her a pic of the tests. Silly. lol. The next morning I got up and peed on the digital. PREGNANT. Later I peed on my last cheap Rite-Aid brand test. Positive. Pregnant!! Time to call the doctor. And that day, was Christmas. We opened gifts, celebrated. The day after Christmas I called the doctor and made an appointment to get everything rolling. To be continued....
2 minutes til 12/24.
That's why Christmas Eve will forever be hard for me. I need to find some way to make this day joyful. Rejoice in that it was a happy day for me. Even though now it just cuts like a knife, cuts to the bone, that this long ago 1 year ago, I should have been having my Child here with me a little over 3 months old. Then, it was happy. It was joyous. My grief is so fresh; its hard for it to be anything but sad for me.
I hope and pray that this day is not hard for me.
Its officially 12/24. Lord please don't let me break down today. I have to work at 12. I am leaving work now. I found time finally to blog.
I miss my baby girl. I miss everything about her, the very fiber of her being, even when she was just a blip. Just a spit bubble. Just beats on a monitor. Just a gummy bear. Just a small tiny 1'' long baby figure. When she made her presence known by kicking my tummy from the inside.
I wonder if I will ever have that again.
I just miss her. The events of today have been less than interesting up until late tonight. And then interesting in a bad way. Loss is never good... peace is fine, but peace sometimes only comes after loss.
This is the only day that I fear I will break down if the moment lets me. The rest I can handle. I'm eager to leave 2014 behind. Eager to get the holidays behind me. Bah humbug. I can handle the rest. I just pray I can handle today.
Love and miss you my sweet Emma. <3
xoxo
Like someone said today, it'll be Tuesday again next week and then Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday, and eventually I will find peace in Tuesdays.
I dunno about the peace part. I have been in decent spirits today. But in 10 minutes, it'll be December 24th, and as if Tuesdays weren't bad enough, I have to add a stupid Wednesday into the mix. Christmas Eve holds a spot in my heart and a trigger for my emotions... I can feel my nervous bowel kicking in already just blogging about it. Sad part? I'm at work. 1 year ago, around 5pm on 12/24, I found out I was pregnant. Lord, if I only knew how it would turn out. Then I would have been crazy. Crazier than I was hormonally pregnant anyway. I had just gotten terminated from my 2nd job as a nurse.
I had tested 4 days before. Bfn. Something told me to run to town and buy some tests after Christmas Eve dinner at Tommy's maternal grandparents. We went to Rite-Aid and got some of their brand blue dye tests. It was evening urine. I had held my pee about 3 hours. I sat on the toilet, peed on that stick and wondered if I had even hit it with my pee... ha. I did. 2 or 3 minutes later, the test dried and there it was, that one dark blue line, and a little plus sign forming in the form of a dark horizontal line, and a very faint vertical one. I googled faint pregnancy test, and learned that even if it is so faint as barely seeable, it was positive. So I was in shock. I sent Jessi a text, then went to the living room and told Tommy. He was in shock... I don't think he believed me! We packed it up, went to Hazard to try to find some sort of shirt for Shade to wear so that I could take a picture of him wearing it (big brother) so I could send it to my Mom who was at work... and so we could announce it to Tommy's side of the family at Chinese Christmas at Ellen's. I found a shirt, almost too small...at JC Penney. I went across the bypass to CVS to purchase a 'good' pregnancy test, as I didn't feel like braving Wal-Mart. I was just hoping that here at like 6:30 or 7:00pm that something would be open, but everything was. We got lucky. I bought 2 digital tests. We headed back home. By that time I had held my urine again for another 2 ish hours. I went through the same routine... pee on the stick for 5 seconds. Recap. Sit on counter. It flashed the waiting symbol for about a minute or so. Then there it was, plain as day "PREGNANT". That word, just confirmed it. It hit me then. I took it and handed it to Tommy. It was real. Only a 2 ish hour hold, evening urine...my eggo was preggo with baby #2. So I took the photo. Sent it in an e-mail to Mom. Called her at work, got her to open her email at work. It took her a minute to realize what the shirt says and she said "No way..." like she was in disbelief. And she asked me how did I know and I explained that I took 2 tests...haha. And I sent her a pic of the tests. Silly. lol. The next morning I got up and peed on the digital. PREGNANT. Later I peed on my last cheap Rite-Aid brand test. Positive. Pregnant!! Time to call the doctor. And that day, was Christmas. We opened gifts, celebrated. The day after Christmas I called the doctor and made an appointment to get everything rolling. To be continued....
2 minutes til 12/24.
That's why Christmas Eve will forever be hard for me. I need to find some way to make this day joyful. Rejoice in that it was a happy day for me. Even though now it just cuts like a knife, cuts to the bone, that this long ago 1 year ago, I should have been having my Child here with me a little over 3 months old. Then, it was happy. It was joyous. My grief is so fresh; its hard for it to be anything but sad for me.
I hope and pray that this day is not hard for me.
Its officially 12/24. Lord please don't let me break down today. I have to work at 12. I am leaving work now. I found time finally to blog.
I miss my baby girl. I miss everything about her, the very fiber of her being, even when she was just a blip. Just a spit bubble. Just beats on a monitor. Just a gummy bear. Just a small tiny 1'' long baby figure. When she made her presence known by kicking my tummy from the inside.
I wonder if I will ever have that again.
I just miss her. The events of today have been less than interesting up until late tonight. And then interesting in a bad way. Loss is never good... peace is fine, but peace sometimes only comes after loss.
This is the only day that I fear I will break down if the moment lets me. The rest I can handle. I'm eager to leave 2014 behind. Eager to get the holidays behind me. Bah humbug. I can handle the rest. I just pray I can handle today.
Love and miss you my sweet Emma. <3
xoxo
Comments
Post a Comment