Day 3 - In Honour

Day 3 - In Honour - I am doing this project in honor of my baby Emma born 9/2/14 @ 1651 weighing 7lb10oz and 19"long. She is my beautiful forever baby daughter. E is for everlong. Forever my baby. M is for mellow. I know she was a mellow baby and her soul feels mellow to me. M is for marvelous. Everything about her is marvelous. A is for absolute. Emma has an absolution about her, I am sure of everything I know of her. She loved pineapples, cantaloupe, cheddar and sour cream ruffles, Mello yello, crushed ice, starbucks, bries brews coffee, alternative 90s rock, and local 133 cafe in London, Ky. She loved sunshine from outside my belly. She liked to move around after 9pm. I imagine she'd have huge blue eyes and a little curl to her dark brown hair by now. I wanted many things for her as a person, growing up. I wanted to instill in her what my parents instilled in me as a girl, a woman, a mother.  I wanted her to feel only love her whole life from me. I know that much at least I accomplished. This experience has molded me as a person in many ways that I couldn't begin to explain. I know for one, I am more sure about a lot of things and more unsure about others. This experience will tilt your axis. Like the world spins a different way now. #captureyourgrief #whathealsyou #projectheal #carlymarie


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I was never alone when I had Emma. I never realized that I was never alone until after the fact of whatever happened. I realized she was with me on my hardest days. On the days that I was having a bad day at work because I felt like I'd never 'get it' or be good at what I did... or when I just felt left out, or when I had to go to weddings by myself, especially that one that always reminds me of her.  We were always together. Every second of every day for 10 whole months. 3 days shy of 10 months. That's a LONG time to be with someone, anyone, without falling deeply in love with them. She never spoke to me, and I never laid eyes on her until the end when she was born and I said hello and goodbye in the same day. I never held her hand or embraced her in my arms until then. Our connection was deeper than that. Similar to a box office love story, no, a great written, timeless love story. Except the love was between a mother and a daughter. I myself am even a trigger. When I see how my own mother loves me and how she is toward me, I know that I will never experience this with Emma. And of course with daily things my heart is broken into pieces. But that's nothing new.