4 weeks...
So today marks 4 weeks, at 4:51pm since our Emma Caroline was born and passed.
I know I will not always be able to blog every week. That would be a little much for something like that. But I dang sure will blog when the notion hits me. And probably monthly. I can't celebrate her little milestones here on earth, so all I have is milestones like this. I often wonder what kind of breakdown I'll have on Sept 2nd 2015. When she would be 1 year old. When I should be planning a birthday party for a sweet little dark haired blue eyed girl. How many words she'd be saying. If she'd be walking. How she and Shade would be playing.
Every time I hear her name, it either makes my heart flutter or makes it sink.
Speaking of a breakdown. I am feeling more and more emotionally unstable. I know that doesn't make any sense, as I should be getting more stable as time passes, but truly, I find myself in social or public situations (those of which I cannot avoid without just cause) becoming more and more antsy as the minutes....no, seconds pass. By antsy, I mean, totally on edge. Almost feeling like a paranoid schizophrenic. Something I can't control. I have to fight the urge to just stand up, scream an expletive, and burst out the doors and get into my vehicle. Sometimes the thought after getting into my vehicle is to just drive until I run out of gas money. But, now we all know that is not feasible, don't we?
Or do we? ...
The only thing that keeps me from it is knowing I have a sweet Shade here and a loving husband.. that's it. And sometimes I'd just like to take them with me and do it anyway.
My appetite is literally nothing. I have no desire for my previous most favorite meal of the day, breakfast. I couldn't care less about it. Mornings have always been the worst for me, but now that has moved into just me having no motivation to eat. I can think of yummy foods I can make or buy foods that I know I love and will eat and then, no. I lay out a spread of food I fixed or get together stuff for a good snack like this morning ( a p3 pack with rotisserie chicken, monterey jack cheese, and cashews, and put out colby jack cheese and crackers on the side just for an extra) I ate the p3 pack, but now its like, if I stuff anything else into my mouth, I will just freak out. 170 calories + a pop is not enough to sustain a normal human for an entire day. Sometimes, its almost bedtime before I actually eat a real meal or eat again at all. And its not like I have 209358 things to do to keep me busy. Well, I do, but I also lack motivation to do those, so I don't do them. Like the several weddings I have in backlog. Homework I could be getting ahead on. I am just managing to stay right on time with it, but if I was smart since I'm home a lot, I'd try to get ahead. Alas, no. Laundry that needs done. Part is because our air conditioner is messed up and all I have cooling the house is a window a/c which works decently enough for me despite what it may be doing to my juice bill? but, turning on the dryer for more than 20-30 minutes will destroy that notion, especially since the dog days are upon us and temps have been in the 80s.
Also, not that I'm excited to see summer go. Because it closes everything out. What happens when its no longer September. No longer the month Emma was supposed to arrive (did arrive) in...my birth month... the month fall starts, overall a great month to be alive. That's it though, alive. That is the key there... I guess we will find out what happens when its not September anymore. That's tomorrow. October. Normally another favorite month. But this month means... I go back to work. I work Halloween so I won't even get to take Shade trick or treating, the only child I have left. October 2nd will be Emma's 1 month 'birthday' ... what else is there... nothing really. It would've been a great month to look forward to had things worked out in my favor. And I just HAD to literally sit and listen to/watch the entire video on youtube for "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day ... Its the last day of September. September is ending. I would have to watch it or hear it again at some point, like it or not. May as well be by choice this time. I felt like it was a good closing.
The only thing that could POSSIBLY make October not 100% crap for me is a BFP. And I know that won't fix me either, but it would give me something to look forward to. If you don't know what that is, I don't know what else to tell you. Don't get me wrong. My life isn't horrible. I have bad and good days. I have a wonderful family. A roof over my head. All my needs met. I'm just saying. Depression is weird.
Of course its taken me an hour to make this blog post, because every time I really start to typing. Shade makes up something he wants. He is going to have to start getting used to me doing work again like editing and homework because unfortunately, the rest of the world didn't stop when mine did.
I still don't understand. I don't understand much of anything. I know bad things happen every day to all kinds of people good and bad. But, it doesn't make me feel any better. Days like this are harder on me because every 'anniversary' or milestone I pass, whether it be only in my head or recognizable for everyone else, in a way depresses me, even if it was a good thing. Shade also acts up on days like this. He's been super sweet all morning, and now the past 30 minutes he's starting to act up... whining about wanting something out of the 'food door' (pantry) and nothing in there is good enough for him. Whining because its not Halloween. Whining at Calliou because everything he says, he will disagree with it (I don't want to party) ... and God forbid he sense any frustration on my part, that causes him to act 10x worse and run to his room and cry and then holler at me because "Mommy you made me cry" lol. I can bitch about it all day long, but I wouldn't change it. I'd give anything for Emma to be here, in my arms, be feeding her or watching her sleep, stroking her precious head full of dark hair and playing with her tiny toes and fingers. Even though Shade might still be acting like a threenager, and I'd be stressed because I had not only that, homework, housework, editing that is backlogged out my arse, and a new baby to care for and impending work in less than 2 weeks and having no idea wtf I am doing..............................even though, I'd be thankful, and damn happy to be doing it. That's what being a mom is. I'm still thankful. things could be worse, don't get me wrong. But, my empty arms chase a toddler who would poop on himself rather than give me a hug sometimes, lol.
Not that anyone reads this, maybe 1 or 2 people, despite my efforts to advertise it before it became a blog of depression, but it somehow helps me feel better sometimes. And my apologies for the previous entries and the ones I post hereafter to anyone who does happen to have to read this crap.
Sorry I ruined your day, lol.
Hopefully one day my blogs will be a little less suicidal.
xoxo
I know I will not always be able to blog every week. That would be a little much for something like that. But I dang sure will blog when the notion hits me. And probably monthly. I can't celebrate her little milestones here on earth, so all I have is milestones like this. I often wonder what kind of breakdown I'll have on Sept 2nd 2015. When she would be 1 year old. When I should be planning a birthday party for a sweet little dark haired blue eyed girl. How many words she'd be saying. If she'd be walking. How she and Shade would be playing.
Every time I hear her name, it either makes my heart flutter or makes it sink.
Speaking of a breakdown. I am feeling more and more emotionally unstable. I know that doesn't make any sense, as I should be getting more stable as time passes, but truly, I find myself in social or public situations (those of which I cannot avoid without just cause) becoming more and more antsy as the minutes....no, seconds pass. By antsy, I mean, totally on edge. Almost feeling like a paranoid schizophrenic. Something I can't control. I have to fight the urge to just stand up, scream an expletive, and burst out the doors and get into my vehicle. Sometimes the thought after getting into my vehicle is to just drive until I run out of gas money. But, now we all know that is not feasible, don't we?
Or do we? ...
The only thing that keeps me from it is knowing I have a sweet Shade here and a loving husband.. that's it. And sometimes I'd just like to take them with me and do it anyway.
My appetite is literally nothing. I have no desire for my previous most favorite meal of the day, breakfast. I couldn't care less about it. Mornings have always been the worst for me, but now that has moved into just me having no motivation to eat. I can think of yummy foods I can make or buy foods that I know I love and will eat and then, no. I lay out a spread of food I fixed or get together stuff for a good snack like this morning ( a p3 pack with rotisserie chicken, monterey jack cheese, and cashews, and put out colby jack cheese and crackers on the side just for an extra) I ate the p3 pack, but now its like, if I stuff anything else into my mouth, I will just freak out. 170 calories + a pop is not enough to sustain a normal human for an entire day. Sometimes, its almost bedtime before I actually eat a real meal or eat again at all. And its not like I have 209358 things to do to keep me busy. Well, I do, but I also lack motivation to do those, so I don't do them. Like the several weddings I have in backlog. Homework I could be getting ahead on. I am just managing to stay right on time with it, but if I was smart since I'm home a lot, I'd try to get ahead. Alas, no. Laundry that needs done. Part is because our air conditioner is messed up and all I have cooling the house is a window a/c which works decently enough for me despite what it may be doing to my juice bill? but, turning on the dryer for more than 20-30 minutes will destroy that notion, especially since the dog days are upon us and temps have been in the 80s.
Also, not that I'm excited to see summer go. Because it closes everything out. What happens when its no longer September. No longer the month Emma was supposed to arrive (did arrive) in...my birth month... the month fall starts, overall a great month to be alive. That's it though, alive. That is the key there... I guess we will find out what happens when its not September anymore. That's tomorrow. October. Normally another favorite month. But this month means... I go back to work. I work Halloween so I won't even get to take Shade trick or treating, the only child I have left. October 2nd will be Emma's 1 month 'birthday' ... what else is there... nothing really. It would've been a great month to look forward to had things worked out in my favor. And I just HAD to literally sit and listen to/watch the entire video on youtube for "Wake Me Up When September Ends" by Green Day ... Its the last day of September. September is ending. I would have to watch it or hear it again at some point, like it or not. May as well be by choice this time. I felt like it was a good closing.
The only thing that could POSSIBLY make October not 100% crap for me is a BFP. And I know that won't fix me either, but it would give me something to look forward to. If you don't know what that is, I don't know what else to tell you. Don't get me wrong. My life isn't horrible. I have bad and good days. I have a wonderful family. A roof over my head. All my needs met. I'm just saying. Depression is weird.
Of course its taken me an hour to make this blog post, because every time I really start to typing. Shade makes up something he wants. He is going to have to start getting used to me doing work again like editing and homework because unfortunately, the rest of the world didn't stop when mine did.
I still don't understand. I don't understand much of anything. I know bad things happen every day to all kinds of people good and bad. But, it doesn't make me feel any better. Days like this are harder on me because every 'anniversary' or milestone I pass, whether it be only in my head or recognizable for everyone else, in a way depresses me, even if it was a good thing. Shade also acts up on days like this. He's been super sweet all morning, and now the past 30 minutes he's starting to act up... whining about wanting something out of the 'food door' (pantry) and nothing in there is good enough for him. Whining because its not Halloween. Whining at Calliou because everything he says, he will disagree with it (I don't want to party) ... and God forbid he sense any frustration on my part, that causes him to act 10x worse and run to his room and cry and then holler at me because "Mommy you made me cry" lol. I can bitch about it all day long, but I wouldn't change it. I'd give anything for Emma to be here, in my arms, be feeding her or watching her sleep, stroking her precious head full of dark hair and playing with her tiny toes and fingers. Even though Shade might still be acting like a threenager, and I'd be stressed because I had not only that, homework, housework, editing that is backlogged out my arse, and a new baby to care for and impending work in less than 2 weeks and having no idea wtf I am doing..............................even though, I'd be thankful, and damn happy to be doing it. That's what being a mom is. I'm still thankful. things could be worse, don't get me wrong. But, my empty arms chase a toddler who would poop on himself rather than give me a hug sometimes, lol.
Not that anyone reads this, maybe 1 or 2 people, despite my efforts to advertise it before it became a blog of depression, but it somehow helps me feel better sometimes. And my apologies for the previous entries and the ones I post hereafter to anyone who does happen to have to read this crap.
Sorry I ruined your day, lol.
Hopefully one day my blogs will be a little less suicidal.
xoxo
Silly girl I always read your blog. If it makes you feel any better Ben has been like a rat on crack today. Maybe I should have called you during one of his melt downs and we could have been suicidal together!! Lol. HUGS
ReplyDelete