?

I keep thinking there are so many things I need to do, unfinished things, like before ... like there always is. And aside from homework that now is behind, which at this point I couldn't care less about... everything is done. The kids room is done and got done the day before everything happened.  The laundry is done. The house is kind of clean, because of my mom and Tommy's mom. I've been preparing for Emma for so long.  It doesn't seem right for there not to be anything to do. I had intended for it to be like this, except only to make it easier on us with a new baby at home. Now I'm home with no new baby. And nothing but emptiness. I had my mom take her car seat out of my car, her bassinet, and all her stuff with the exception of her diaper bag and things from the hospital, and take them to the room they had made for her at their house because I couldn't handle looking at it sitting there empty. It was fine empty when it was waiting on her to arrive. But it's not fine now because she'll never use it. Her sweet little head full of brown hair will never nestle in any of her blankets. With everything gone it almost seems like it's as if she never existed. My belly is all but completely gone with the exception of the surgical site. There's no pictures up yet. Just tons of food in containers from what people have brought. A couple things on the diaper changing table. All the photos we have of her on both computers and our phones. Nobodys brave enough to set one as the background or save screen, though. The blanket I kept here of hers to sleep with that matches what we buried her in.  I never meant for it to seem like that. Honestly. I just thought it would be easier.  And it is, but then again, I have that guilt of erasing her almost. I could never erase her. Oh if you could see her, you'd never erase her from your memory. She's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I wanted to watch the leaves change with her.

Fall is one of my favorites and I was so looking forward to sharing it this year with all 4 of us. Every single thing reminds me of her. Everything.  I know I only had a few hours with her, and I only knew her in my belly, but everything I do reminds me of her and everything I see can relate back to her somehow. And i can think of her name and it just sounds more beautiful than any music or sound I've heard. I can only think of one thing that would sound more precious and that would be the sound of her beating heart beneath her chest or her lusty cry. I want to show her off to the world, even though I'm so devastated. I'm still a proud mother. So proud. I just don't know where to start.

I just miss her so much. And mornings are truly the hardest.