Pictures

I've been working on getting prints done for Emma's scrapbook. Which means looking at them all over and over again. I look at them every day, the ones on my phone anyway. Most of the time it makes my heart swell to see her beautiful face and makes me so proud to be her mommy and to have created something so perfect. But it is still heart breaking.  Then sometimes it just depresses me because I couldn't take her home. I feel like I just left her somewhere.  A part of me feels like I literally just dropped her off somewhere and haven't went back to get her yet and I live with this constant nagging that something is missing, or that I've forgotten something.

Someone asked me yesterday if it felt like I was stuck in a dream. You could say that.  Nightmare would be more appropriate. Like I've said before when I wake up each morning and realize the baby I've spent 10 months preparing for, isn't here, and it's not because im just still pregnant and about to pop, it's heartbreak all over again. Or whenever I wake up and realize I wasn't just having some bs nightmare. And again, heartbreak.

Someone was talking to me while I was still pregnant on one of my last days at work about how you develop a relationship and attachment with the baby before it's born just by carrying it in your belly. I said I really didn't know if I had a connection. That it took shade being born for me to realize how much he meant to me.  And then Emma. The first second I saw her  ... it all came togrther. Like I had known and loved her my whole life. I never was the belly rubbing type. Or one who talked to my belly. Not because I didn't love my unborn child. But in my grief I can't help but think maybe Emma didn't know she was loved enough? Or god thought I didn't care? So this is my punishment? I've had similar ideas shot down and such if I say that but I can't help but think if I'd shown more of a connection that maybe she'd still be with me.

Now, I clutch my belly sometimes and just lay hands on it and wish she was there. If i get pregnant again, there will never be a day that goes by that I won't make sure that little tiny miracle knows just how much it's wanted and loved. Not just expecting it to know without saying but saying it.