Second Postpartum Checkup

Yesterday was my 2nd checkup. We waited around forever because doc kept getting called to OR stat. So we went to eat chinese in the meantime. Which was actually not tasty. Like it had been sitting forever. Anyway. Back to the visit. He said everything looked good, took off the steri strips, and said i was a fast healer. A coworker from ER, Tracy,  who is doing his nurse practitioner clinicals was following Dr. Sink. Got to talk to him for a minute and he occupied Shade for us. Lol.  I got Dr. Sink to sign the pretty little birth certificate in Emma's scrapbook while i was there. Mom reminded him about the patho from delivery. I guess i had forgotten, since we had waited around so long. It showed a large clot in the villi of the cord. Which is close to where it connects with the placenta. nothing else came back bad. I did see where it said something was "consistent with fetal infection" but he read right over the same stuff and specifically said nothing indicated infection so it mustve been irrelevant to our situation, or something.

He said he still couldnt say whether or not the clot caused her death by restricting blood flow, or if the clot appeared there after blood flow stopped in utero (say, if the cord was constricting around her neck and when the blood flow stopped it just clotted there like blood does when it just sits around) after the fact. Theres an equal chance of either he said.  He did however mention that they rarely see clots of any kind after fetal demise, so that made me think he was leaning more toward the clot being the culprit.

That being said, at 6 weeks post partum,  i have to have thrombophilia testing done, to test for a clotting disorder. If it comes back that i have a disorder, with my next pregnancy i will have a strict anti coagulant therapy protocol. If it comes back clean, which is what he said he predicts, he still will want me to take a baby aspirin once a day throughout pregnancy just to be on the safe side. And i would be considered high risk, either way with this new finding. Which means more ultrasounds, more testing, and starting at 32 weeks, non-stress tests twice a week. He didnt say this, but i just kind of assume, and hope rather, that the delivery of the next will be scheduled, and maybe a little earlier just in case. I will try to remember to ask about that next time, even though right now its irrelevant.

He cleared me to go back to work on october 8. So i let Roberta know that. I know its kind of soon, but financially, i dont think we can wait any longer. However, i did sign up on short term disability whenever i filled out my forms for job status change. Itll pay 60% of my salary for a qualifying event and regardless of when my next birth experience is, it will be over a year since i started working at mmh, so i will qualify for fmla up tp 12 weeks.  It sure would be nice to take a couple months off work to spend with my family and Shadey and a new bundle of joy if we are to be so blessed with one in the near future.

I sure miss my Emma. I have my days. Her little face is always in the back of my mind. Showing her pics to select people makes me so proud. Talking about her and how beautiful she was and how rotten i know she wouldve been with those pouty lips makes me smile. Working on her scrapbook warms my heart and breaks it at the same time. Sleeping with her blanket comforts me. It sucks thats all we have. I wish we had more.

I get optimistic when i talk about conceving a rainbow baby. Ive read a lot about people who had same or similar situations, conceiving their rainbow baby and it makes me optimistic mostly but theres always that one person who hasnt been able to conceive again yet,  or had a m/c the next time, or had another unsuccessful subsequent pregnancy. While i know mentally the next pregnancy will be difficult, struggling with each milestone we pass that could've been Emma's...and struggling each day with the possibility of something going wrong... i read the best way to get by is to take it day by day, and set small goals. Like end of first trimester, halfway through, viability, 6 months, etc. Instead of concentrating on due date. Lord i pray its a girl. I wont have much to do if so, we already have everything. And i wont struggle with feeling like i shouldnt buy anything for it "just in case something happens". I know that big nice car seat i bought is Emma's. But i sure wouldn't mind, and im sure my sweet girl wouldn't mind,  if her baby sister in the future snuggled in it. ♡

I just know Emma wouldve been so sweet. You cant have a face like that and not be. What i wouldn't give to feel that little heart fluttering underneath her skin.

We go tomorrow to lexington for my bday shopping weekend. We're having to stay the night and leave Shade with Maggie because we are both going ahead and getting our tattoos for Emma and that will likely take all day. This trip was supposed to be different. Supposed to be a one day just me and hubby... leave our 2 kids at home with sitters. Come back to them. Not memorial tattoos and overnight stays. But everything is different now, not just lexington trips. Everything can be related to our loss, or differ buy it.

But, i still miss her so much. Id kill to be sleep deprived and ran ragged for caring for two young children alone. I hope my day for that will come soon, and god blesses me with a sweet baby to fill my empty arms.
Xoxo