How..

How can you love someone so much after only knowing them for a couple minutes? How can you miss someone with only spending a few hours with them?

I still feel her kicks in my stomach.

I'd sleep a lifetime on my left side and be in pain for eternity just to have you here, alive, and be taking you home with me tonight. But instead im going home with your car seat in the back, empty. Never to be used with you in it.

I just don't know how to do this. I've never seen anything more perfect in my lifetime.

I still feel her kicks. I complained about my belly being in the way, getting pen marks on it at work and it being heavy lugging it around. Now it's all shrunken. Flabby. Left with the scar from her exit. And i grieve. Because she was safe inside there for so long, until yesterday.  That was her home, where I knew she was okay. Where she was snuggled and nestled in warmly every day and night. I'm defeated. My heart is as deflated as my tummy where she used to be is. I've had to hide it all night and day. It hurts. What I wouldn't give to feel those pains that hurt for so long. It was that little head full of dark brown hair. And that little face with the perfect lips. Those little fingernails trying to claw out were attached to the sweetest most precious hands I've seen. Those feet in my ribs, were so perfect. That little belly that gave those cute little hiccups when I ate too much ice  was just so perfect. I could stare for days. For a lifetime. I just want to take her home. She should be in that car seat behind us right now, with Shadey beside her talking to her about changing her diaper and giving her a bath. Our little family complete. I don't know how I'm supposed function with such a huge chunk of my heart missing. How do people do this ?

I still feel her kicks. It fools me into thinking she's still in there or that maybe I'll wake up from this nightmare. I tried to wake her up at the doctors office before the ultrasound. And i swore I felt her move. But it was just my head trying to protect my heart. I never imagined how beautiful she'd be. I knew she'd be beautiful because she's ours. But I just never imagined she'd be breathtaking. I'll never. Ever. Ever. Forget when i first saw her. When Tommy brought her over from the warmer and laid her on my shoulder I just sobbed with my face in her little chest just taking her in.  Knowing it would be the last first snuggle. But only the beginning of my struggle.

I can still feel her kicks........