The Invisible Big Brother

This as you may end up noticing, is not my normal weekly "Tuesday" blog. That's coming later today or tomorrow, late as it may be. Better late than never, right?

Sometimes, as loss moms, we feel like we are the only ones effected by the tragic loss of a baby...whether it be an early loss, late term loss, full term loss, or baby/child loss post birth. I feel like sometimes I am the only one who remembers Emma. As it goes, I feel like I'm the only one who brings her up unprompted (there might be a few others who do and I love them for it) and fights to keep her memory alive. Not only do I fight to keep her memory alive on a day to day basis for MYSELF and others, I also do this with my son. We only had about 5 hours with Emma, and my son was there consistently with her for maybe an hour-ish. He only held her a few times, he touched her hands and fingers, feet and toes, with such amazement...and kissed her little face and rubbed her hair. I am sure he has subconsciously forgotten what her touch felt like. I remind him with photos, just like myself. I include her in our daily activities asking "Wouldn't baby Emma love that?" "What kind do you think baby Emma would like?" and I praise him for being a great big brother when he carries her Molly Bear into the living room, or when he talks about her unprompted. She is not physically here, so we must keep the spiritual reminder around. I am sure Shade does not feel like he is a 'big brother' because when I bring it up he is questionable. This is merely because she is not HERE and he does not see her or feel like he does things for or with her daily. Which is why I try to include her memory in lots of things we do. I struggle with the same things. She's not here with us, but that makes me no less of a mother. It makes him no less of a big brother. He IS a big brother. I am not sure if any of my other family or if anyone he spends a lot of time with does this. But I do.

As a mother, we are wired to protect our children. When we no longer have these children, we are wired to protect their MEMORY. This is how I do it. By talking to my child about him. Small children grieve differently than us. It might come out in a tantrum or something random. They also relate to things on a much more simple and raw level. Sometimes they need to be prompted. For instance, I will tell him "You're such a good big brother!" When he does something that warrants it. Sometimes he will say something "Am I a big brother?" Or he will contest it, like he doesn't know he's a big brother. I will then go on to explain that "YOU ARE A BIG BROTHER!". A big brother to Emma, and a big brother to the baby in my belly. Neither are here with us that we can openly SEE, for two different reasons, but I always make sure he knows he is a good big brother.

Toddlers forget things like this, yet they are able to remember where they hid their sippy cup 6 days ago. This is because some things are daily reminders. Others are not. If you see a sippy cup all day every day, you will not forget how it looks or where you saw one out of your periphery last. If you don't...that memory may begin to slip.

Social media is good for creating things that turn into triggers for loss parents, when they otherwise wouldn't be triggers. Like when someone states in reference to our upcoming baby, "Oh Shade will be such a good big brother!" I know this is meant 100% sweet and harmless and with good intent. But for me, as Emma's mother, who only lives to preserve her memory, the first place my mind goes is..."Oh, you're saying he isn't already a good brother?? Did Emma never exist???" Irrational a bit, but after speaking with some fellow loss mothers, it seems as if my irrationality isn't really 'irrational' after all, and that they feel the same way. So its one of those things like I've dealt with since losing Emma. People saying ignorant (using the literal term here, 'lack of knowledge of') things without really thinking of how it could be taken otherwise. When I comment on someone's child's photos or baby photos or sibling photos I am always second guessing myself (even though *I* myself am a loss mom) as to how my comment is going to be perceived. Could this be hurtful even if I didn't mean it to be??? I don't expect non-loss-moms or the public in general to realize statements in which they think are just nice and helpful, might just be hurtful. I know they don't understand.

But that brings us to this. There are a lot of things the general public and non-loss-people don't understand. Here are a few, just as examples:
*Stillbirth is 1 in 160 ( http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-loss/stillborn-trying-to-understand/ )
*1 in 4 pregnancies will end in loss ( https://www.arhp.org/Publications-and-Resources/Patient-Resources/Fact-Sheets/Miscarriage )
*There is a device called a 'cuddle cot' which cools the baby to a temperature that will allow baby to stay with mother and father in the hospital room for the duration of their stay.  ( https://www.facebook.com/USCuddleCotCampaignInitiative )  ( http://flexmort.com/cuddle-cots/ )
*You don't HAVE to do anything when you lose a pregnancy. YOU make the rules. Don't want to call the funeral home yet??? THEN DON'T!
*You can bath your baby, change your baby, do whatever you want with YOUR BABY because its ... YOUR BABY.
*You can have photos made of your baby. For FREE, even. (Thank you www.nowilaymedowntosleep.org)
*There are way more people out there like you who have had a stillbirth or pregnancy loss. ( https://www.facebook.com/groups/SOBBS/ )

As "loss-people" we have a responsibility to raise awareness. To let people know. Otherwise they may never.

In closing... yes, your son or daughter who came before your baby who is unfortunately no longer with you IS STILL A BIG BROTHER. A BIG SISTER. Already. Not when your rainbow baby comes. Not after that. But NOW.

Resource for siblings;
http://seleni.org/advice-support/article/talking-to-children-about-stillbirth


xoxo
Amberly