30 Tuesdays

Well. I'm late posting. My work schedule has been hellish. I worked 4 in a row. Spent yesterday purchasing and planting things we needed around the house with my boys.  

Today, I spent my first easter without my emma. I can't say it was horrible. But it was again, yet another holiday without her. This will be my life forever. Holidays without her here. Only in spirit and in my heart and on my mind like always. My dad came up, and was making a list of some things we needed to finish the bottom of the porch and the guttering on it. This whole place has been nothing but one big revolving project. He brought us some breakfast from Hardee's. Shade was already gone to church. 

Yes- I didn't go. The one time a year we go.. I didn't want to. I just don't want the looks, the sounds, the hugs, the... Etc of that place. No offense to it or anyone there. But, I mean. Nobody knows how to handle us. I'm glad people want to ask questions about our new baby. But people have already stopped talking about emma. I'm not talking about saying oh I'm so sorry for your loss. I mean, I don't know what I expect because it's not like she's growing and playing and doing new things to even ask about. But idk., I guess I just expect something else? For people to acknowledge her more... But the people close to me do most of the time. But I'm not close to those people. 

Anyway-- dad and I mingled outside. Then we drove up on leeco. He'd never been to Emmas grave. I didn't even think he'd do it. I was just going to turn around in the graveyard. And maybe see if he said anything. But I was pulling around and he said well let's go look at Emmas grave! So of course I obliged and showed off her pretty resting place. Like it was her newest piece of fridge art. We drove around leeco and little more and talked and hung out. I don't get to do that with him a lot. It was nice. 

We received Emmas Molly bear Saturday. It's too cute. I haven't posted about it yet. Shade has been playing with it and including it in his pretend play. Dad saw it and said hi emma bear and I told him the story behind Molly bears. And he held it and pretended to burp it and couldn't believe how heavy it was. How heavy SHE was. He looked misty eyed  but I tried to keep the mood light  because I know he hates it as bad as I do... Emotions anyways. He said he can imagine how if someone had lost a child, how this could be a great comfort for them. He really liked it. That was nice. 

Anyway. Considering, Thursday the 2nd was when Emma would've been 7 months old, and this is yet another holiday without her. The 30th Tuesday has came and passed.. I've not done bad. None of us have. Sometimes we get aggravated. But I know that it's just fickle frustrations. Tommy and I have spent some decent time together. Shade has enjoyed his easter and been such a sweet little sunshine. He is such good entertainment. And such a sweet heart. 

I can't wait to get on my new rotation. I know it'll be good for me. I'll be able to catch up on my much neglected house work. Homework done and not behind. Photos edited and not behind. It'll be nice to actually have more than 2 days off and be able to get things done especially with summer coming. 

I want to visit Dan soon. I've seen him one time since Emma passed. I really feel like I could benefit from him and just reliving old times far before any of all this. It makes me happy to reminisce to a time before any of us knew such depression and despair and hurt. Back when heartbreak was just another significant other gone out of our lives.  

Id like to go back if it was just like, watching a movie. Because as much as id rather just not know this hurt.. I couldn't change knowing Emma. Even if it was so brief. And so sad. Giving up part of her or all of her would be giving up a part of the now me... Which while flawed and broken... Is me. She is a part of me. 

Love you sweet girl. 

Xoxo