31-13

I say I didn't have enough time with you. But truthfully forever would've never been long enough for me, to feel like id had long enough with you. Yes... Train said it right. I realize  that even if emma were here, forever wouldn't be long enough. So I'm not that far off from where I would be. But more than what I had at any rate would've been better than the few hours I got.  But again... Forever wouldn't be long enough. I'll be forever wondering what forever would feel like and why Emma couldn't be here for it.

I feel like she tiptoed out of our lives so quietly. Never made a sound. No birth or death certificate. Some people talk about receiving death certificates and not to open them because it can be a painful reminder.. But at least they counted enough to get one. I suppose it doesn't matter to the person who is hurting because their child died but I already know that. It's been over 7 months, reality has sunk in a number of times, at this point it would be nice to be reminded someone gave a shit. *I am not saying this to get someone to mention her or to give a damn, because if it takes a blog to make someone notice or care, then I don't want it anyway, lol...just saying.* I came home with nothing.  A paper bag full of random stuff the hospital gathered up from God knows how long ago. I walked out empty handed. Into my car with two car seats. Both empty. One to be empty forever. Came home baby less. She was at the funeral home. Then in the ground. This is not the natural order of things. 

I have this fear peanut will be a boy. And I love my Shade. He's so much fun. And god knows we will love and cherish whatever gender we are blessed with. And two boys would have a ton of fun with each other. But I fear so badly that the issue I have will not be that I'm mad it's a boy but I'll be jealous of other people who have lost a girl then gone on to have a girl rainbow baby. I fear Emmas car seat will go to waste. By the time I get a rainbow girl it'll be expired. And I'll be forced to trash it. And I can't throw away or give away her things. And how feasible is it to keep stuff like that til I'm 80? It's eating at me today and did yesterday. I couldn't get a proper peek and the ones I did half looked boy half looked girl. Now I  am consumed by it. But I need to find peace about it. Whatever it is. I want to go to Lexington after we find out and buy for it.  Regardless. Maybe today will be a good day at work and I'll figure out how to just be like screw it like I have been all this time previously. 

It does not matter. 

It. Does. Not. Matter.

Its been 31 Tuesdays, and I am 13 weeks pregnant. 31-13. opposite numbers, matching up perfectly... just another thing that helps me feel confident that this was meant to be. Stupid, its just numbers. But whatever works. 

Some days nothing does anyway. 

Few people understand this. Few get it. And literally only a few I know in person. I have an online group of people who understand. But, it's hard to fully benefit from it when I'm in these moods. I've been rather inactive lately there. Just not been in the mood I guess. I keep waiting around for something bad to happen to this pregnancy. I'm 13 weeks now. Most people would be rejoicing about hitting the "safe from miscarriage" joke. Hahaa. It truly is funny because it's so ridiculous. What person put that into place to give people such false hope? Surely someone who had never had a loss. There is no safe point. And what I wouldn't give to go back to the naivity of not knowing there wasn't a safe point. 

I'm sure to some people it seems like I'm in a bad mood, being lazy, am sick, not on my game, not wanting to work, or just being a bitch. But I can promise it's not that. These are the times when I need someone the most, times when my grief has a hold on me. Seems like I'm slacking at work? I would never. My mind and heart  probably have a vice grip around them momentarily. Filled with what should have beens, why nobody mentions her anymore, wonders of why I get so insanely jealous when people talk of other people's pregnancies and how they are just so confident nothing will happen. Naive. So I turn off my emotions and go to a place where i don't necessarily want to be - but it's a safe point. A place where I won't say anything to rain on the other persons parade. I know nobody says stuff on purpose. And I definitely don't want people walking on eggshells around me. I feel like a paraih. Like, I don't even know if people want me involved in their pregnancies or babies because I probably have some sort of dead baby curse. Sounds silly. But I feel like it sometimes. And as much as I want my distracted mine to stop it. My jealous feelings to piss off. My feeling of impending doom to go away. Sometimes it won't. 

Sometimes me picking up my phone and aimlessly submerging myself in whatever social media has to offer at the time is my only scape goat. I can assure you I could care less about it. But sometimes it's all I can do to exist. 

I thought spring would be good for me. And it has. But it kills my soul to the core that I'm seeing these things happening without you. Things are springing back to life and you're not. It's not like I didn't know it would happen. It's not a surprise. I just didn't expect to feel sad about seeing the first brightly colored green trees pop up here and there in the mountains, flowers and trees budding, redbuds popping that purple pink and dogwoods with their pure untouched white. All the things that remind me of your life... Blooming alive again... Without you. 

I have made a playlist on my spotify specifically for Emma.  Songs that remind me of her or songs that I feel like we shared when she was safe in my belly. If nobody ever listens to it with me besides this baby in my belly, at least they'll know what's in my heart and what's on my mind all the time.  24/7. I have my days where i just have to put my grief on a shelf so it doesn't burden everyone else. Some days Id like to call in to work and just go home and be alone.  Wallow in my sorrow. Ya know. 

Everyone needs an escape. I have few. Not that I want to escape her but sometimes life is hard and emotions wear me out. Just like yesterday.  Exhaustion just isn't a good explanation for it. 

But it's all for her and I can't 100% hate it. It lets me know she's still around in a way. 

Xoxo