Emma's Story: Part I
September 2nd, 2014
0500
I had just woken from a dream, the first dream I had dreamed since being pregnant. ( I don't typically dream during pregnancy ). I had dreamed that Emma would not survive birth. She had a fatal heart defect that made her incompatible with life, and they would not induce me. This dream shook me so badly, that I couldn't go back to sleep. So, I messaged Jessi, Mom, and Becca what I dreamed. They of course all dismissed it as nerves because of my impending appointment. I didn't have to be back up until around 10am. I laid and tossed and turned for about another hour or so. I woke Tommy up for work. Then I decided that I should just get on up. So that I did. I left Shade in bed, and got up to just do some laundry, some light cleaning, fix some breakfast (I only had some cereal I think) all before Tommy left at about 0715. I then continued working on my computer, on proofing people's photos that were probably way overdue. I got a lot accomplished as the sun rose and came through the windows on a beautiful day.
1000--
So I went on about my day, showered and Shade even showered with me and he was helping wash my belly and was talking about how he was going to bath Emma when she came home and help take care of her and it was adorable. Just me and her and him. I had mentioned to him that today we were going to see Emma on the TV again (ultrasound) and make an appointment to go 'get her out of the water' (LOL) for the next few days and she would be coming home very very soon!! I then called my mom, and told her that I had been up a while and that she could just head on over to help me do a few things since I was way ahead of time. My appointment was at 1pm. I remember getting dressed. Black crop leggings, a bright pink jegging tee, some sort of tank top, a floral pair of Toms slip ons and I even remember I was wearing my floral print bra from VS.
1200--
I think we did a few things around the house. We left here at about 1215. Of course Mom was in tow. I stopped at the post office on the way, as I had been talking about hoping Shade's iPad case would come in so he'd have it at the appt and hospital that way he wouldn't break it on the hard flooring we'd be around for the next few days. Lo and behold it was there at the PO because it wouldn't fit in the mailbox.
1300-
We waited in the waiting room for a bit, I remember IGing a pic of Shade in the waiting room because he looked so cute, as he demanded to wear his Ninja Turtle backpack to the appointment. As my name was called, I waddled around back to room 2 (which I no longer go in by the way) the 2nd room on the left. Dr Sink asked me how I was doing and I had said more than ready to get this baby out!! He got some gel, squirted it on my belly and placed it on the normal spot she was in. Nothing by my heart could be heard. Which instantly sped up. We'd never had any issues finding her heart beat. His face got really worried so he searched around, and mentioned just going on over to room 6 and doing an ultrasound because maybe she'd flipped to breech and was turned around. I said probably not I don't know how that would happen at this point she's been in my pelvis for weeks, lol. But we went into the ultrasound room once the other patient was gone, the entire time I waited in room 2, I started jiggling my belly because I was scared she was dead, trying to wake her up, make her move...my heart was pounding...my mom looked so worried... and she kept asking me, "is this normal?" and I just said I don't know... I don't know. I had texted Tommy to make sure he was there around his phone just responding to something he said like "Oh okay" or "lol". We were in the room, and as soon as he put the probe on my belly, I could see Emma's heart, all 4 chambers quiet and still with no blood flow. He scanned me for a few more minutes, like he was frantically crossing his fingers, holding out hope that what he was seeing was some sort of trick. I looked over at my mom, and I started to speak, and just as I raised up to say "just say it..." he said "Unless something is really wrong with this machine, I can't find any blood flow to the heart. The heart is not beating. I'm so sorry." I just said "I already know. I was about to just tell you to say it... I see the exact same thing you do." I saw my mom's face just explode with tears. Shade was saying "Baby Emma, Baby Emma!!" in the background asking to see her face. I just closed my eyes and asked him "What do we do??" and he said we'd have to go to the hospital and get an ultrasound with the radiologist to confirm. He said that he was praying something was wrong with what he saw and that he had just mistakenly misdiagnosed. I just was mostly quiet. I told him I saw what he saw and it was impossible. I hadn't shed a tear yet. I was in complete shock. First thing I thought of...that damned dream. I texted Tommy, and told him to get there fast....they couldn't find a heart rate and we were headed to radiology to confirm that Emma had died... and he left work immediately. He didn't say much via text, but he called as we were heading to the other side of the hospital and of course asked me if it was okay that he told his mom and sister and brother which I didn't want ANYONE to know yet or anyone to be there. I just didn't know what to expect. I texted Becca, Jessi, and maybe one other person and I do remember saying "I need you to pray hard for me right now. Thats all I can say." I didn't get any responses very quickly.
1415
We sat in the waiting room of the hospital. There's wooden benches, the registration counter. This little dude that worked registration registered me for my scan, and he was all happy because he didn't read nor realize what this scan was for. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity. I still to this day cannot sit in that waiting room comfortably. I stared at the coffee machine. Praying that nobody I knew would walk through the room. I kept saying "Please God, give us a miracle. Let these machines and our eyes be wrong." My belly kept tensing up every few minutes from Braxton Hicks contractions. Useless uterus, I thought. Couldn't even keep a baby alive! WTF?! Mom was crying, using tissue after tissue. I kept tearing up. Refusing to believe this bullshit. I mean, I believed it at this point but what the hell does one do in this situation??? This was the last place that I sat, hoping, wishing for a miracle. I knew she was gone. I saw it for myself, her 4 chambers still and quiet. I know what I'm looking at enough to know you don't come back from that. Then after about 45 minutes, he they took us back, Tommy got there just as we were going back to the ultrasound room where I had the final ultrasound on my girl. The radiologist was in the room with the tech, me, Tommy, Shade, my Mom, and Dr. Sink. He began showing the tech where you should normally see blood flow. The last image in my mind was of her skull on the ultrasound. Her precious little brain, with no blood flow. It was confirmed. No blood flow anywhere. Emma was gone. As soon as it was confirmed, as in the waiting room, it was the last place I held some false hope for a miracle-- I thought of my DREAM. I knew she was moving the night before. I replayed the dream in my head, and thought wtf is this??? Am I still dreaming???
I looked at Dr. Sink, tears in his eyes with tears in my eyes, my mom and Tommy sobbing in the background, and I said..."What now???"
He explained that I could be induced and admitted right now. I said no right there, I did not want to push out a dead baby. I didn't want to hurt her. He said that they could make us comfortable, there would be no pain. I refused right then, again. Saying that it wasn't about me and my pain/comfort level, it was about me not wanting to hurt her, not wanting to push out a DEAD BABY!! Could I have a section??? He explained some things, and the risks and such... and then asked me how long it had been since I had eaten. I explained since about 8am, if not earlier. It was nearly 3pm. He said we could to it around 4 or 430pm because it had to be 8 hours since I had eaten anything. I agreed to this and we walked up stairs.
1510
That walk upstairs was like the first leg of the green mile. I walked out of radiology. Into the hallway. Onto the elevator. Through the locked OB/L&D unit. I was welcomed, and I was put into a room. The first room on the left. I was given a gown to put on and a cup for a urine sample, which I did in the bathroom next to the bed. The nurse then came in and tried to make light conversation. This is as hard on them as anything they'll ever do. She scanned into the computer, asked me a few questions. Missed my first IV attempt, then got it the 2nd time in the exact place I did not want it (right wrist) but at that point I didn't care. I was started on ancef and NS. All of my clothes were off. I felt naked. I was naked. Naked with Emma in my belly, waiting to come out, not alive. Not how I pictured any birthing experience. The lab lady Candi came in to draw my pre-op labs and lightheartedly asked "Are they finally letting you have this baby?!" Everyones face in the room was just like oh man... Tracy (my nurse) shook her head at her and said something and Candi's face automatically turned to tears and sorries. I just told her its okay its not her fault and she didn't know. I could tell she felt SO bad. At this point my mom had taken Shade out to the waiting room or outside, not sure which one... and it was just me and Tommy in the room. The nurses had went to do some more stuff at the nurses station, lab was gone. We were alone. I'll never forget Tommy burying his head in my belly and crying for Emma, saying he was so sorry and that he wish he would've tried to feel her more (she never would kick for anyone but me, and soon as anyone would put their hand on my belly she'd stop, so he never felt her) he just sobbed her name into my belly. I was just numb. The occasional tear falling from my eye.
1550
The nurses came back in to check on me, to start my 2nd fluid bolus. Anesthesia had already been in to speak with me and let me know I had to have at least nearly 2 liter boluses before I could go down to the OR. I was worried that we weren't going to get this done because it was already after 4pm. The nurse came in again, with a different type of gown to wear to the OR. Made sure I didn't have anything on except said gown. Made me take off my leather/hand stamped bracelets (this was the last time they were off my wrist for any extended period of time except to shower). Mom and Maggie were in the room now making sure all my stuff was together and my jewelry was in my purse, which they took with them to make sure nothing got taken. We decided to leave my clothes in the room. It was almost time. They were here to get me. It was like the grim reaper just showed up in my room and was leading me to my demise.
1610
They wheeled my bed out of the room. Everyone patted my belly and said they loved me as I was being wheeled out of my room. Tommy by my side. I hugged and kissed Shade who still just didn't realize what exactly was going on. I was backed into the employee elevator on the 3rd floor facing the nurses station. I saw an old friend of mine at the nurses station along with other people I'd seen/worked with in the hospital at the nurses station as I was obviously coming from OB, and going to OR...they knew I was delivering, just didn't know I was delivering my daughter not alive. They all waved happily at me and mouthed 'good luck' at me as the doors shut. All I could do was mechanically wave back with a half confused smile and wait for the doors to shut tightly. Then I just closed my eyes and wondered how much more shit this day was going to force feed me.
1620
The elevator doors opened, then the automatic double doors to the OR hallway. Then the first OR door, followed by the 2nd. I was stopped at the entrance to meet the anesthesiologist. He was asking me questions about if I wanted zofran. Sure, give it to me. Asking me if I wanted the regular spinal block or the dura morph. I remember him saying something about the dura-morph lasting longer but also a side effect being itching. At this point I just said I don't know you pick... I don't care. Whatever works better. The other nurses helped me put on an OR bonnet so my hair wouldn't be in the way. I remember someone telling Tommy he could take his phone in if he wanted for photos and he had to get a gown, cap, and shoe covers on, so he would be a few minutes coming in. He gave me 4mg zofran IV. Then Dr. Sink came around the corner. He asked if he could pray with us. He prayed. We cried. Everyone cried. They pushed me on back toward the actual OR suite. I was moved from my bed to the OR table. Which was surprisingly small...and I'm not that big. They immediately started hooking me up to wires. Pulse Ox. Heart Monitor. IV fluids. Another dose of ancef. I felt him push something through my IV that was not either of the two aforementioned. I was sat up so that my spinal could be placed. When I sat up, I felt like I'd drank too many cocktails and had stood up too fast. I asked "did you give me something?" as I felt that warm familiar flush over my body that was a quite resemblance to versed. He told me that he gave me some fentanyl for the pain and nerves. I was glad to have my mind off things for a split second but pissed at the same time that my mind was off things. I couldn't focus. He began pushing on my lower back to find a good spot. I was sitting up and leaning over, my big belly rubbing my thighs, as I was in the indian folded leg position. He pushed and pushed as I rocked back and forth with his pushing. He then warned me of the pinch and burn sensation of the lidocaine that's given before the actual needle is placed. Then I felt some pressure and then a deep heavy pinch in my spine as he administered the spinal block medication into my spine. I was then laid back on my back, and the drape was put up in front of me. I could only see to my left, my right, and straight up to the ceiling. The anesthesiologist was on my right. Tommy had finally stepped on my left. My arms were being secured on the arm boards, specifically my right one with my IV. He asked if he could leave me unstrapped as I knew not to put my hands in any of the sterile field. I said of course. I would prefer not to be strapped down anyhow right now. A nasal cannula was placed on my face. My heart rate was up and down up and down. I was asked to help get in the 'lithotomy position'. That was the last thing I felt before my numbness set it. They placed my foley catheter at that point, appreciate waiting til I was numb to do that. They had it done pretty quick I assume. But I kept asking someone to check and make sure my legs weren't still spread. Of course they weren't, but I felt like they were because that was the last position they were in before I went 100% numb. The CRNA (anesthesiologist, Bill) used a piece of tape rolled inside out to ask me "could I feel this" in different spots all the way down to my bottom and I stopped feeling anything at about my nipple line. This was what they wanted. It was time. First cut was made. I heard the bovey going and smelled my own skin burning. I was still high from the fentanyl. I asked Tommy if he smelled that. He asked what, and I replied "thats my skin burning!!" I chuckled. Totally inappropriate and I knew it. But I was high and trying to deal with it. Tommy held my left hand the entire time. I told Bill that my heart rate going up and down as they were jumbling around my insides was making me weirded out (it would go from 48 to 130s) and he put a piece of paper over the monitor LOL. He tried to keep it light too. I thank God for him in that moment. I heard their quiet whispers and their methodical motions. I suppose they were quiet due to the situation and the fact that I knew what they'd be saying in medical speak. I whispered to Tommy "she is going to be so beautiful". I had worried about what she'd look like since she'd already passed. I'd never seen a dead baby before. He agreed and cried with me. I was almost high enough to forget she wasn't going to cry when she came out. Bill then explained that I would feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest for a few seconds as they pressed on my abdomen to get Emma out.
1651
She was born. She was out. They called Tommy around seconds later to go see her. Right then I told him make sure you take pictures! As many as you can snap!!! At first I wasn't sure if I wanted them? Nobody told me no or that I couldn't but I just didn't know. When Tommy let go of my hand to go get her, Bill replaced it with his. One of the kindest gestures I was shown on that day. He saw me laying there, immobilized with medication, fear, grief, and tears, with no hand to hold so he did. He held it for a minute or two while I heard sobbing in the other corner of the room. The entire OR team was sniffing and crying. It made me so nervous. I was in a place where I didn't know if I should cry or laugh or kill myself! Tommy came around the corner with this red faced, most beautiful angel I've ever seen, wrapped tightly in a hospital blanket with a baby hat on her head. My tears came then. I asked could I have my other hand, my IV hand, to help hold her and I cradled her at my chest. Close to her face. I buried my face in her chest and breathed deep. Just wishing her heart would start beating and I could hear the familiar chug of her heart beat in my ear. I just cried and listened. Bill took Tommy's phone and began taking pics from his angle of me, us, etc. I smiled for some photos with her on the OR table. After a few minutes I gave her back to Tommy and he was allowed to stay the remainder of the surgery with me while they took her upstairs to OB where they were going to bath and change her for us.
1705
I was being closed up, all the finishing touches being put on my surgery. The drape was taken down. The monitors unhooked briefly. I was moved from the OR table back to my hospital bed. Now I know what it feels like when we just nonchalantly move these patients from stretcher to bed or vice versa. They then log rolled me from one side to another to put a chux underneath me, and I swore to God they were going to roll me out of the bed and right into the floor. I was still 100% numb so I couldn't really do anything. I was glad to get that damn OR hat off though. Tommy was taking off his OR stuff as well. As I was wheeled back up, the staff's faces at the nurses station looked different now. They kind of turned their heads. I saw a few of our family in the waiting room outside of L&D. We were taken back to my room. Mom, Shade, Maggie, all came in after they had me hooked up to a portable heart monitor and o2 sat probe and more IV fluids.
1730
The nurse came in and asked if we wanted Emma brought into the room now after they'd cleaned her up and of course we said yes with enthusiasm. Seconds, maybe a minute later... there she was. She looked a bit different now that she was cleaned up a settled a little even though it hadn't even been an hour. She had a long sleeve baby t shirt on and a diaper and a hospital hat with a bow on it that was just too cute. I held her and just stared at her. That moment was similar to the only other moment of comparison, of my first time holding Shade after he was cleaned up. Except so many other emotions were mixed in with it. She was so damn beautiful. I've never seen anything more beautiful. Just perfect. She was so warm still. How is this real? This part unfortunately, is a lot of a blur for me to remember and always has been. We wanted to change her clothes. So me, Tommy, and my mom undressed her. We examined her perfect little body, her belly, her little butt, her chubby, long legs, her feet and toes and arms and chest and hands, fingers, neck, head, hair beautiful full lips and cheeks and eyes. Her eyes were closed and I never opened them, I didn't want that image in my head just in case. But oh what I would've given at that moment to be able to see her open her own eyes. We put the gown on her that I planned on having her go home in and the little hat that went with it. It fit perfectly. All of it did.
We held her, we took pictures of her on our cell phones. While I was in OR, I had gotten texts back from both Jessi and Becca. They didn't know what was going on. I replied back to them "we lost our sweet Emma. We don't know what happened but she didn't have a heart beat at the appointment. I delivered her via c section at 4:51 and she is perfect" and I sent a pic of her along with it. The replies I got were gut wrenching. We held her some more. Shade was so in awe of her and still so excited once we finally let him in the room. But he started getting really uncomfortable and fidgety because he sensed something wasn't right because we were all so unhappy and crying. I tried to not cry around him and be stern so he could maybe be less uncomfortable. He kept asking why she wasn't wiggling or crying. And I am not sure what I told him at the time. The nurses came in and asked us if we wanted them to take some photos of her and I said yes, definitely, so they brought the camera they had in and we all posed together with her. I suggested some pics of her feet in our hands and her hands in our hands, of me kissing her on the cheek, etc etc. I then told them I had some bows (which someone had been to our house already for us to pick up her diaper bag with her outfits) for her to wear and her outfit that Shade had picked out for her that Friday that I decided we should bury her in that I wanted pics in so I sent them with the nurses and her to the nursery to do some photos. I told them when they were done to bring her back so we could have some more time with her but at that point I wanted Wolfe & Sons called. Nobody told me I had to, but I didn't know what to do and I assumed that was just the next step. So they took her back to the nursery and we sat talking, crying, reminiscing. Getting things together... I don't remember what the hell I was doing really. This is also where I lost track of what time it was. So the times hence forth will be guesstimates.
Several people came up from ER and visited us, said their condolences. I wasn't sure how they were finding out and had never seen such compassion from people in my life. My good friend Maggie had someone drive her all the way to Manchester while we still had her there. Robert and Paula came. Jessi wasn't able to come but came the next day. Becca was 5 hours away. Dad tried to come but couldn't bare it. Brady tried to come but ended up getting stuck at home because he thought dad was going to go with him. They ended up coming the next day. Not Dad, but Brady and Sammie.
2100
She was brought back to us after about an hour of her being gone. I assumed they had taken a lot of nice pics. And they did. There she was again so beautiful and perfect and warm. So snuggly and precious. They asked me if I wanted the funeral home called now and I said yes. I assumed this was the next step. The staff didn't mention us keeping her or anything or really anything at all that was protocol and I was so messed up I didn't think to ask. We just kept holding her. Letting other people hold her for a bit. Snapping more pics of more things, we knew these were going to be the only pics we had. The funeral home had been called and I now knew it was only a matter of time before we had to let her go forever. That sunk in a bit and I just wanted to hold her. I regret not having time with her by myself 100% alone. I can think of things I would've said to her now...sung to her, examined her more thoroughly. but I've been down that road. My mom was still there and Angie, Kenny, Maggie, and a few more were out in the waiting room.
2230
In walks Kyle. It was time. Tommy asked him to give us a few minutes and of course he obliged and said take your time and was making small talk with Maggie outside the door. We had ran everyone out of the room for those few minutes, and had Shade give her one last kiss. He didn't understand why she wasn't coming home and didn't realize she wouldn't be til a day or so later. I had been holding Emma and looked down and I'm not sure how but realized this was it, and it was time for me to hand her over forever. At this point, this is the hardest part to recount for me, because I'm not sure how I did it. Had I had it to do over again it would've taken me hours, days, years to be ready to hand her over. After all when are you ever ready to hand over your child?? I whispered to her some things, kissed her, held her close, and handed her to Tommy. We were a mess. Before he walked out he walked up to me again and hugged me with one arm and Emma in the middle of us and we cried and I gave her one last kiss, held her hand one last time, and then he walked out. I'm not sure who else kissed her goodbye outside my door but all I know is that was the most alone I had ever been in my life. Everyone was outside. They just took my newborn baby away from me to the funeral home. I was in a room alone. Suffocating, there was literally no air. I had wires and tubes hooked up to me and going in to me and this stupid gown on, and all I was left with was her hat and her long sleeve shirt beside me on my bed. A roll of transpore tape. My phone. My call bell. My purse and clothes and bags over by the window. I was so mad and hurt. I heard them talking outside the door. Then Tommy came back in. That was it. It was over. She was gone.
To be continued...........
0500
I had just woken from a dream, the first dream I had dreamed since being pregnant. ( I don't typically dream during pregnancy ). I had dreamed that Emma would not survive birth. She had a fatal heart defect that made her incompatible with life, and they would not induce me. This dream shook me so badly, that I couldn't go back to sleep. So, I messaged Jessi, Mom, and Becca what I dreamed. They of course all dismissed it as nerves because of my impending appointment. I didn't have to be back up until around 10am. I laid and tossed and turned for about another hour or so. I woke Tommy up for work. Then I decided that I should just get on up. So that I did. I left Shade in bed, and got up to just do some laundry, some light cleaning, fix some breakfast (I only had some cereal I think) all before Tommy left at about 0715. I then continued working on my computer, on proofing people's photos that were probably way overdue. I got a lot accomplished as the sun rose and came through the windows on a beautiful day.
1000--
So I went on about my day, showered and Shade even showered with me and he was helping wash my belly and was talking about how he was going to bath Emma when she came home and help take care of her and it was adorable. Just me and her and him. I had mentioned to him that today we were going to see Emma on the TV again (ultrasound) and make an appointment to go 'get her out of the water' (LOL) for the next few days and she would be coming home very very soon!! I then called my mom, and told her that I had been up a while and that she could just head on over to help me do a few things since I was way ahead of time. My appointment was at 1pm. I remember getting dressed. Black crop leggings, a bright pink jegging tee, some sort of tank top, a floral pair of Toms slip ons and I even remember I was wearing my floral print bra from VS.
1200--
I think we did a few things around the house. We left here at about 1215. Of course Mom was in tow. I stopped at the post office on the way, as I had been talking about hoping Shade's iPad case would come in so he'd have it at the appt and hospital that way he wouldn't break it on the hard flooring we'd be around for the next few days. Lo and behold it was there at the PO because it wouldn't fit in the mailbox.
1300-
We waited in the waiting room for a bit, I remember IGing a pic of Shade in the waiting room because he looked so cute, as he demanded to wear his Ninja Turtle backpack to the appointment. As my name was called, I waddled around back to room 2 (which I no longer go in by the way) the 2nd room on the left. Dr Sink asked me how I was doing and I had said more than ready to get this baby out!! He got some gel, squirted it on my belly and placed it on the normal spot she was in. Nothing by my heart could be heard. Which instantly sped up. We'd never had any issues finding her heart beat. His face got really worried so he searched around, and mentioned just going on over to room 6 and doing an ultrasound because maybe she'd flipped to breech and was turned around. I said probably not I don't know how that would happen at this point she's been in my pelvis for weeks, lol. But we went into the ultrasound room once the other patient was gone, the entire time I waited in room 2, I started jiggling my belly because I was scared she was dead, trying to wake her up, make her move...my heart was pounding...my mom looked so worried... and she kept asking me, "is this normal?" and I just said I don't know... I don't know. I had texted Tommy to make sure he was there around his phone just responding to something he said like "Oh okay" or "lol". We were in the room, and as soon as he put the probe on my belly, I could see Emma's heart, all 4 chambers quiet and still with no blood flow. He scanned me for a few more minutes, like he was frantically crossing his fingers, holding out hope that what he was seeing was some sort of trick. I looked over at my mom, and I started to speak, and just as I raised up to say "just say it..." he said "Unless something is really wrong with this machine, I can't find any blood flow to the heart. The heart is not beating. I'm so sorry." I just said "I already know. I was about to just tell you to say it... I see the exact same thing you do." I saw my mom's face just explode with tears. Shade was saying "Baby Emma, Baby Emma!!" in the background asking to see her face. I just closed my eyes and asked him "What do we do??" and he said we'd have to go to the hospital and get an ultrasound with the radiologist to confirm. He said that he was praying something was wrong with what he saw and that he had just mistakenly misdiagnosed. I just was mostly quiet. I told him I saw what he saw and it was impossible. I hadn't shed a tear yet. I was in complete shock. First thing I thought of...that damned dream. I texted Tommy, and told him to get there fast....they couldn't find a heart rate and we were headed to radiology to confirm that Emma had died... and he left work immediately. He didn't say much via text, but he called as we were heading to the other side of the hospital and of course asked me if it was okay that he told his mom and sister and brother which I didn't want ANYONE to know yet or anyone to be there. I just didn't know what to expect. I texted Becca, Jessi, and maybe one other person and I do remember saying "I need you to pray hard for me right now. Thats all I can say." I didn't get any responses very quickly.
1415
We sat in the waiting room of the hospital. There's wooden benches, the registration counter. This little dude that worked registration registered me for my scan, and he was all happy because he didn't read nor realize what this scan was for. I sat there for what seemed like an eternity. I still to this day cannot sit in that waiting room comfortably. I stared at the coffee machine. Praying that nobody I knew would walk through the room. I kept saying "Please God, give us a miracle. Let these machines and our eyes be wrong." My belly kept tensing up every few minutes from Braxton Hicks contractions. Useless uterus, I thought. Couldn't even keep a baby alive! WTF?! Mom was crying, using tissue after tissue. I kept tearing up. Refusing to believe this bullshit. I mean, I believed it at this point but what the hell does one do in this situation??? This was the last place that I sat, hoping, wishing for a miracle. I knew she was gone. I saw it for myself, her 4 chambers still and quiet. I know what I'm looking at enough to know you don't come back from that. Then after about 45 minutes, he they took us back, Tommy got there just as we were going back to the ultrasound room where I had the final ultrasound on my girl. The radiologist was in the room with the tech, me, Tommy, Shade, my Mom, and Dr. Sink. He began showing the tech where you should normally see blood flow. The last image in my mind was of her skull on the ultrasound. Her precious little brain, with no blood flow. It was confirmed. No blood flow anywhere. Emma was gone. As soon as it was confirmed, as in the waiting room, it was the last place I held some false hope for a miracle-- I thought of my DREAM. I knew she was moving the night before. I replayed the dream in my head, and thought wtf is this??? Am I still dreaming???
I looked at Dr. Sink, tears in his eyes with tears in my eyes, my mom and Tommy sobbing in the background, and I said..."What now???"
He explained that I could be induced and admitted right now. I said no right there, I did not want to push out a dead baby. I didn't want to hurt her. He said that they could make us comfortable, there would be no pain. I refused right then, again. Saying that it wasn't about me and my pain/comfort level, it was about me not wanting to hurt her, not wanting to push out a DEAD BABY!! Could I have a section??? He explained some things, and the risks and such... and then asked me how long it had been since I had eaten. I explained since about 8am, if not earlier. It was nearly 3pm. He said we could to it around 4 or 430pm because it had to be 8 hours since I had eaten anything. I agreed to this and we walked up stairs.
1510
That walk upstairs was like the first leg of the green mile. I walked out of radiology. Into the hallway. Onto the elevator. Through the locked OB/L&D unit. I was welcomed, and I was put into a room. The first room on the left. I was given a gown to put on and a cup for a urine sample, which I did in the bathroom next to the bed. The nurse then came in and tried to make light conversation. This is as hard on them as anything they'll ever do. She scanned into the computer, asked me a few questions. Missed my first IV attempt, then got it the 2nd time in the exact place I did not want it (right wrist) but at that point I didn't care. I was started on ancef and NS. All of my clothes were off. I felt naked. I was naked. Naked with Emma in my belly, waiting to come out, not alive. Not how I pictured any birthing experience. The lab lady Candi came in to draw my pre-op labs and lightheartedly asked "Are they finally letting you have this baby?!" Everyones face in the room was just like oh man... Tracy (my nurse) shook her head at her and said something and Candi's face automatically turned to tears and sorries. I just told her its okay its not her fault and she didn't know. I could tell she felt SO bad. At this point my mom had taken Shade out to the waiting room or outside, not sure which one... and it was just me and Tommy in the room. The nurses had went to do some more stuff at the nurses station, lab was gone. We were alone. I'll never forget Tommy burying his head in my belly and crying for Emma, saying he was so sorry and that he wish he would've tried to feel her more (she never would kick for anyone but me, and soon as anyone would put their hand on my belly she'd stop, so he never felt her) he just sobbed her name into my belly. I was just numb. The occasional tear falling from my eye.
1550
The nurses came back in to check on me, to start my 2nd fluid bolus. Anesthesia had already been in to speak with me and let me know I had to have at least nearly 2 liter boluses before I could go down to the OR. I was worried that we weren't going to get this done because it was already after 4pm. The nurse came in again, with a different type of gown to wear to the OR. Made sure I didn't have anything on except said gown. Made me take off my leather/hand stamped bracelets (this was the last time they were off my wrist for any extended period of time except to shower). Mom and Maggie were in the room now making sure all my stuff was together and my jewelry was in my purse, which they took with them to make sure nothing got taken. We decided to leave my clothes in the room. It was almost time. They were here to get me. It was like the grim reaper just showed up in my room and was leading me to my demise.
1610
They wheeled my bed out of the room. Everyone patted my belly and said they loved me as I was being wheeled out of my room. Tommy by my side. I hugged and kissed Shade who still just didn't realize what exactly was going on. I was backed into the employee elevator on the 3rd floor facing the nurses station. I saw an old friend of mine at the nurses station along with other people I'd seen/worked with in the hospital at the nurses station as I was obviously coming from OB, and going to OR...they knew I was delivering, just didn't know I was delivering my daughter not alive. They all waved happily at me and mouthed 'good luck' at me as the doors shut. All I could do was mechanically wave back with a half confused smile and wait for the doors to shut tightly. Then I just closed my eyes and wondered how much more shit this day was going to force feed me.
1620
The elevator doors opened, then the automatic double doors to the OR hallway. Then the first OR door, followed by the 2nd. I was stopped at the entrance to meet the anesthesiologist. He was asking me questions about if I wanted zofran. Sure, give it to me. Asking me if I wanted the regular spinal block or the dura morph. I remember him saying something about the dura-morph lasting longer but also a side effect being itching. At this point I just said I don't know you pick... I don't care. Whatever works better. The other nurses helped me put on an OR bonnet so my hair wouldn't be in the way. I remember someone telling Tommy he could take his phone in if he wanted for photos and he had to get a gown, cap, and shoe covers on, so he would be a few minutes coming in. He gave me 4mg zofran IV. Then Dr. Sink came around the corner. He asked if he could pray with us. He prayed. We cried. Everyone cried. They pushed me on back toward the actual OR suite. I was moved from my bed to the OR table. Which was surprisingly small...and I'm not that big. They immediately started hooking me up to wires. Pulse Ox. Heart Monitor. IV fluids. Another dose of ancef. I felt him push something through my IV that was not either of the two aforementioned. I was sat up so that my spinal could be placed. When I sat up, I felt like I'd drank too many cocktails and had stood up too fast. I asked "did you give me something?" as I felt that warm familiar flush over my body that was a quite resemblance to versed. He told me that he gave me some fentanyl for the pain and nerves. I was glad to have my mind off things for a split second but pissed at the same time that my mind was off things. I couldn't focus. He began pushing on my lower back to find a good spot. I was sitting up and leaning over, my big belly rubbing my thighs, as I was in the indian folded leg position. He pushed and pushed as I rocked back and forth with his pushing. He then warned me of the pinch and burn sensation of the lidocaine that's given before the actual needle is placed. Then I felt some pressure and then a deep heavy pinch in my spine as he administered the spinal block medication into my spine. I was then laid back on my back, and the drape was put up in front of me. I could only see to my left, my right, and straight up to the ceiling. The anesthesiologist was on my right. Tommy had finally stepped on my left. My arms were being secured on the arm boards, specifically my right one with my IV. He asked if he could leave me unstrapped as I knew not to put my hands in any of the sterile field. I said of course. I would prefer not to be strapped down anyhow right now. A nasal cannula was placed on my face. My heart rate was up and down up and down. I was asked to help get in the 'lithotomy position'. That was the last thing I felt before my numbness set it. They placed my foley catheter at that point, appreciate waiting til I was numb to do that. They had it done pretty quick I assume. But I kept asking someone to check and make sure my legs weren't still spread. Of course they weren't, but I felt like they were because that was the last position they were in before I went 100% numb. The CRNA (anesthesiologist, Bill) used a piece of tape rolled inside out to ask me "could I feel this" in different spots all the way down to my bottom and I stopped feeling anything at about my nipple line. This was what they wanted. It was time. First cut was made. I heard the bovey going and smelled my own skin burning. I was still high from the fentanyl. I asked Tommy if he smelled that. He asked what, and I replied "thats my skin burning!!" I chuckled. Totally inappropriate and I knew it. But I was high and trying to deal with it. Tommy held my left hand the entire time. I told Bill that my heart rate going up and down as they were jumbling around my insides was making me weirded out (it would go from 48 to 130s) and he put a piece of paper over the monitor LOL. He tried to keep it light too. I thank God for him in that moment. I heard their quiet whispers and their methodical motions. I suppose they were quiet due to the situation and the fact that I knew what they'd be saying in medical speak. I whispered to Tommy "she is going to be so beautiful". I had worried about what she'd look like since she'd already passed. I'd never seen a dead baby before. He agreed and cried with me. I was almost high enough to forget she wasn't going to cry when she came out. Bill then explained that I would feel like an elephant was sitting on my chest for a few seconds as they pressed on my abdomen to get Emma out.
1651
She was born. She was out. They called Tommy around seconds later to go see her. Right then I told him make sure you take pictures! As many as you can snap!!! At first I wasn't sure if I wanted them? Nobody told me no or that I couldn't but I just didn't know. When Tommy let go of my hand to go get her, Bill replaced it with his. One of the kindest gestures I was shown on that day. He saw me laying there, immobilized with medication, fear, grief, and tears, with no hand to hold so he did. He held it for a minute or two while I heard sobbing in the other corner of the room. The entire OR team was sniffing and crying. It made me so nervous. I was in a place where I didn't know if I should cry or laugh or kill myself! Tommy came around the corner with this red faced, most beautiful angel I've ever seen, wrapped tightly in a hospital blanket with a baby hat on her head. My tears came then. I asked could I have my other hand, my IV hand, to help hold her and I cradled her at my chest. Close to her face. I buried my face in her chest and breathed deep. Just wishing her heart would start beating and I could hear the familiar chug of her heart beat in my ear. I just cried and listened. Bill took Tommy's phone and began taking pics from his angle of me, us, etc. I smiled for some photos with her on the OR table. After a few minutes I gave her back to Tommy and he was allowed to stay the remainder of the surgery with me while they took her upstairs to OB where they were going to bath and change her for us.
1705
I was being closed up, all the finishing touches being put on my surgery. The drape was taken down. The monitors unhooked briefly. I was moved from the OR table back to my hospital bed. Now I know what it feels like when we just nonchalantly move these patients from stretcher to bed or vice versa. They then log rolled me from one side to another to put a chux underneath me, and I swore to God they were going to roll me out of the bed and right into the floor. I was still 100% numb so I couldn't really do anything. I was glad to get that damn OR hat off though. Tommy was taking off his OR stuff as well. As I was wheeled back up, the staff's faces at the nurses station looked different now. They kind of turned their heads. I saw a few of our family in the waiting room outside of L&D. We were taken back to my room. Mom, Shade, Maggie, all came in after they had me hooked up to a portable heart monitor and o2 sat probe and more IV fluids.
1730
The nurse came in and asked if we wanted Emma brought into the room now after they'd cleaned her up and of course we said yes with enthusiasm. Seconds, maybe a minute later... there she was. She looked a bit different now that she was cleaned up a settled a little even though it hadn't even been an hour. She had a long sleeve baby t shirt on and a diaper and a hospital hat with a bow on it that was just too cute. I held her and just stared at her. That moment was similar to the only other moment of comparison, of my first time holding Shade after he was cleaned up. Except so many other emotions were mixed in with it. She was so damn beautiful. I've never seen anything more beautiful. Just perfect. She was so warm still. How is this real? This part unfortunately, is a lot of a blur for me to remember and always has been. We wanted to change her clothes. So me, Tommy, and my mom undressed her. We examined her perfect little body, her belly, her little butt, her chubby, long legs, her feet and toes and arms and chest and hands, fingers, neck, head, hair beautiful full lips and cheeks and eyes. Her eyes were closed and I never opened them, I didn't want that image in my head just in case. But oh what I would've given at that moment to be able to see her open her own eyes. We put the gown on her that I planned on having her go home in and the little hat that went with it. It fit perfectly. All of it did.
We held her, we took pictures of her on our cell phones. While I was in OR, I had gotten texts back from both Jessi and Becca. They didn't know what was going on. I replied back to them "we lost our sweet Emma. We don't know what happened but she didn't have a heart beat at the appointment. I delivered her via c section at 4:51 and she is perfect" and I sent a pic of her along with it. The replies I got were gut wrenching. We held her some more. Shade was so in awe of her and still so excited once we finally let him in the room. But he started getting really uncomfortable and fidgety because he sensed something wasn't right because we were all so unhappy and crying. I tried to not cry around him and be stern so he could maybe be less uncomfortable. He kept asking why she wasn't wiggling or crying. And I am not sure what I told him at the time. The nurses came in and asked us if we wanted them to take some photos of her and I said yes, definitely, so they brought the camera they had in and we all posed together with her. I suggested some pics of her feet in our hands and her hands in our hands, of me kissing her on the cheek, etc etc. I then told them I had some bows (which someone had been to our house already for us to pick up her diaper bag with her outfits) for her to wear and her outfit that Shade had picked out for her that Friday that I decided we should bury her in that I wanted pics in so I sent them with the nurses and her to the nursery to do some photos. I told them when they were done to bring her back so we could have some more time with her but at that point I wanted Wolfe & Sons called. Nobody told me I had to, but I didn't know what to do and I assumed that was just the next step. So they took her back to the nursery and we sat talking, crying, reminiscing. Getting things together... I don't remember what the hell I was doing really. This is also where I lost track of what time it was. So the times hence forth will be guesstimates.
Several people came up from ER and visited us, said their condolences. I wasn't sure how they were finding out and had never seen such compassion from people in my life. My good friend Maggie had someone drive her all the way to Manchester while we still had her there. Robert and Paula came. Jessi wasn't able to come but came the next day. Becca was 5 hours away. Dad tried to come but couldn't bare it. Brady tried to come but ended up getting stuck at home because he thought dad was going to go with him. They ended up coming the next day. Not Dad, but Brady and Sammie.
2100
She was brought back to us after about an hour of her being gone. I assumed they had taken a lot of nice pics. And they did. There she was again so beautiful and perfect and warm. So snuggly and precious. They asked me if I wanted the funeral home called now and I said yes. I assumed this was the next step. The staff didn't mention us keeping her or anything or really anything at all that was protocol and I was so messed up I didn't think to ask. We just kept holding her. Letting other people hold her for a bit. Snapping more pics of more things, we knew these were going to be the only pics we had. The funeral home had been called and I now knew it was only a matter of time before we had to let her go forever. That sunk in a bit and I just wanted to hold her. I regret not having time with her by myself 100% alone. I can think of things I would've said to her now...sung to her, examined her more thoroughly. but I've been down that road. My mom was still there and Angie, Kenny, Maggie, and a few more were out in the waiting room.
2230
In walks Kyle. It was time. Tommy asked him to give us a few minutes and of course he obliged and said take your time and was making small talk with Maggie outside the door. We had ran everyone out of the room for those few minutes, and had Shade give her one last kiss. He didn't understand why she wasn't coming home and didn't realize she wouldn't be til a day or so later. I had been holding Emma and looked down and I'm not sure how but realized this was it, and it was time for me to hand her over forever. At this point, this is the hardest part to recount for me, because I'm not sure how I did it. Had I had it to do over again it would've taken me hours, days, years to be ready to hand her over. After all when are you ever ready to hand over your child?? I whispered to her some things, kissed her, held her close, and handed her to Tommy. We were a mess. Before he walked out he walked up to me again and hugged me with one arm and Emma in the middle of us and we cried and I gave her one last kiss, held her hand one last time, and then he walked out. I'm not sure who else kissed her goodbye outside my door but all I know is that was the most alone I had ever been in my life. Everyone was outside. They just took my newborn baby away from me to the funeral home. I was in a room alone. Suffocating, there was literally no air. I had wires and tubes hooked up to me and going in to me and this stupid gown on, and all I was left with was her hat and her long sleeve shirt beside me on my bed. A roll of transpore tape. My phone. My call bell. My purse and clothes and bags over by the window. I was so mad and hurt. I heard them talking outside the door. Then Tommy came back in. That was it. It was over. She was gone.
To be continued...........
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