33 Tuesdays
I wanted to blog about "Tuesday" specifically before week 33 without Emma passed me by.
Of course I have blogged already but not my normal Tuesday blog.
In just 20 minutes we start another new week.
I stopped after work Wednesday night, well Thursday morning at that point.. To watch the lyrids meteor shower. I found the perfect spot perched on a hill on the parkway. The sky was clear. It was cool out so I decided to stay in my car. It was about 12:30am. They were supposed to peak at 1:00am. I stopped and as I was putting my car in park, rolling down the window and turning up the heat, and unbuckling I started thinking how nice it'd be to see some meteors and that it'd remind me of Emma. And what music to play from this random top hits playlist to play to occupy me while I waited. I thought the song that I recently heard that reminded me of Emma so much (hozier - work song) would be a pretty good soundtrack. So lo and behold the song that played seconds later was just that. I sat there and watched the meteors come through our atmosphere and burn up in the distance. I saw one really bright one. Most of the others were in the distance near the horizon. It was about 1:15am before I left and I was too tired to stay any longer. I felt close to her then. Very close... Just me and her and the stars and music and of course peanut in my belly.
I do remember asking Shade what he thought Emma's favorite colors were. He answered with "pink, purple, and yellow." I haven't really talked to him about how I think purple and yellow are 'her colors', so I considered it another one of her signs.
I saw a moth on my back door when I came home from work one night. There's always a bunch of moths and bugs around the back door, since Tommy leaves the back porch light on for me on work nights since our outside light is STILL messed up. Anyway... the moth...A shade of purple and yellow. Fuzzy and beautiful, and of course even when I inserted the key into the deadbolt and jiggled it around and opened the handle lock, the moth was not interested in moving. I took a picture of it because it was so vivid and not flying away from me, I figured I'd capture the moment just with my phone. I touched it on its little fuzzy head and thanked it silently for visiting me.
I am starting to see things that remind me of her every day in nature as well as other things. Its not hard to be reminded of something that never leaves your mind... but I see her in so many things, its crazy.
Things are hard to understand sometimes. Still. Don't know if that'll ever change. I find myself dazed sometimes, just staring, thinking about one thing or another. Sometimes I am thinking about what should've been...sometimes I am just thinking about nothing, or just Emma...or this peanut in my belly... just depends on what time of day it is and what mood I'm in. Or I might be thinking about my next trip. My next countdown of things, like when we go to the beach, I'll change my countdown to September 22nd. I count down to each doctor's appointment when I get to see peanut. I get excited and antsy and impatient as all get out waiting on appointments. But then when I actually go in, I get nervous and scared and paranoid that I'm going to hear something like what I heard on September 2nd. I know that's always a possibility and I can't shake that, never will. Even if I am blessed with a pregnancy again years from now, I'm not sure if that PTSD feeling will ever leave me.
As most other mothers who have lost children know, my mind is likely, 75% of the time, elsewhere. It might come off as me not paying attention, or me being disconnected even...but its not that. Its just...part of me will always be somewhere else.
Always be with Emma.
xoxo
Of course I have blogged already but not my normal Tuesday blog.
In just 20 minutes we start another new week.
I stopped after work Wednesday night, well Thursday morning at that point.. To watch the lyrids meteor shower. I found the perfect spot perched on a hill on the parkway. The sky was clear. It was cool out so I decided to stay in my car. It was about 12:30am. They were supposed to peak at 1:00am. I stopped and as I was putting my car in park, rolling down the window and turning up the heat, and unbuckling I started thinking how nice it'd be to see some meteors and that it'd remind me of Emma. And what music to play from this random top hits playlist to play to occupy me while I waited. I thought the song that I recently heard that reminded me of Emma so much (hozier - work song) would be a pretty good soundtrack. So lo and behold the song that played seconds later was just that. I sat there and watched the meteors come through our atmosphere and burn up in the distance. I saw one really bright one. Most of the others were in the distance near the horizon. It was about 1:15am before I left and I was too tired to stay any longer. I felt close to her then. Very close... Just me and her and the stars and music and of course peanut in my belly.
I do remember asking Shade what he thought Emma's favorite colors were. He answered with "pink, purple, and yellow." I haven't really talked to him about how I think purple and yellow are 'her colors', so I considered it another one of her signs.
I saw a moth on my back door when I came home from work one night. There's always a bunch of moths and bugs around the back door, since Tommy leaves the back porch light on for me on work nights since our outside light is STILL messed up. Anyway... the moth...A shade of purple and yellow. Fuzzy and beautiful, and of course even when I inserted the key into the deadbolt and jiggled it around and opened the handle lock, the moth was not interested in moving. I took a picture of it because it was so vivid and not flying away from me, I figured I'd capture the moment just with my phone. I touched it on its little fuzzy head and thanked it silently for visiting me.
I am starting to see things that remind me of her every day in nature as well as other things. Its not hard to be reminded of something that never leaves your mind... but I see her in so many things, its crazy.
Things are hard to understand sometimes. Still. Don't know if that'll ever change. I find myself dazed sometimes, just staring, thinking about one thing or another. Sometimes I am thinking about what should've been...sometimes I am just thinking about nothing, or just Emma...or this peanut in my belly... just depends on what time of day it is and what mood I'm in. Or I might be thinking about my next trip. My next countdown of things, like when we go to the beach, I'll change my countdown to September 22nd. I count down to each doctor's appointment when I get to see peanut. I get excited and antsy and impatient as all get out waiting on appointments. But then when I actually go in, I get nervous and scared and paranoid that I'm going to hear something like what I heard on September 2nd. I know that's always a possibility and I can't shake that, never will. Even if I am blessed with a pregnancy again years from now, I'm not sure if that PTSD feeling will ever leave me.
As most other mothers who have lost children know, my mind is likely, 75% of the time, elsewhere. It might come off as me not paying attention, or me being disconnected even...but its not that. Its just...part of me will always be somewhere else.
Always be with Emma.
xoxo
Comments
Post a Comment