Ripples
Dear Emma,
Thursday last week was the first time I had really spent an extended period of time outside since probably before you were born over a month ago. Before, it had been too hot for us to venture outside, as mommy couldn't breathe very well in the heat and would likely have to pee shortly anyway, since you loved so much to kick my bladder. And since you came and went, I have had zero motivation to be outside. Outside is just as depressing as inside, at least inside I can curl up under a cover and look at your pictures on my phone. Or research stuff about the quickest way to get pregnant to give you another baby brother or sister to watch over here on Earth, and to give your big brother another little brother or sister to help protect here on Earth. Or just robotically scroll through facebook or instagram or twitter to distract my mind from missing you.
Anyway, Buddy and I went to Laurel lake to fish. Spoiler: We didn't catch anything worth bringing home. In fact, I spent most of my time sitting, staring off into the distance, contemplating life. When I was fishing, I sure wasn't putting much effort into it. I was too busy thinking about how much you're missing here on Earth.
When we arrived, the lake was still cool, with steam rising off the water from the dew that fell that morning. There was little to no traffic. The water was almost like a pond...still, only disturbed by the boat we were in which seemed to be literally soaring across the water with no effort. Once we found a spot, the sun beat down on me and the water. It eventually got hot and as much as I would've liked to have shed my leggings to get some sun on my legs, I just didn't care. Its like the more I had covering me, the more secure I felt, just like how I'm sure you'd feel if you were here. Babies love to be swaddled. You'd still be small enough to be swaddled. There were shad flipping everywhere, making little ripples in the water. I could see how the ripples would grow from a tiny circle to a big circle. The rocks that lined the bottoms of the mountains where the water had risen and fell for so many years, where the wind had blown the water a certain direction for so long, they were wrinkled with age. They had permanent markings from life. Kind of like me. There are permanent scars on my body from coming to know you. No amount of money could make me want to change that. I would have let them strip all the skin off my body if it would've saved you. We saw an eagle, perched atop of an old dead tree, eating whatever it caught. Something had to die to sustain the eagle's life. That seems more appropriate. Something dying to sustain another life, instead of something dying just to make another's life a living hell. That evening sunset sprawled across the water reminded me of how beautiful you are. It was warm, yet comforting on sunburned skin and shone on the deep green water, a silvery light. This world can be a beautiful place, Emma, and I feel so sad you cannot see it with me. There are so many things I longed to show you. I know you can see them from your view, but it's just not the same.
So many lives are forever heavier from knowing of you and seeing you. So many people miss you so bad. Not sure if anyone misses you as much as me. There are so many things, literally everything reminds of me you. I even wore a shirt the other day, that I was wearing whenever I found out that your little heart had stopped. It was the first time I had worn it since then. I had a hard time putting my head through the shoulders of that shirt. It was like wearing a full blown bad luck charm. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the pair of yoga pants I had one. The floral print bra I was wearing. The pink jegging tee I was talking about. I'm sure it was none of that. But it sure feels like if I wear any of those, something bad will happen to me. I just want a do over. To change whatever needs changing in the past that would keep you here with me so I could raise you up and watch you turn into an adult and let you give me some grandchildren one day. To watch Shade love on you, to watch him protect you and care for you. To watch your daddy be wrapped around your pinky finger more than he already is. To not have to go up to grassy branch to visit you. I'd give anything, really.
I just wish things were different.
Mommy loves you, sweet girl.
xoxo
Thursday last week was the first time I had really spent an extended period of time outside since probably before you were born over a month ago. Before, it had been too hot for us to venture outside, as mommy couldn't breathe very well in the heat and would likely have to pee shortly anyway, since you loved so much to kick my bladder. And since you came and went, I have had zero motivation to be outside. Outside is just as depressing as inside, at least inside I can curl up under a cover and look at your pictures on my phone. Or research stuff about the quickest way to get pregnant to give you another baby brother or sister to watch over here on Earth, and to give your big brother another little brother or sister to help protect here on Earth. Or just robotically scroll through facebook or instagram or twitter to distract my mind from missing you.
Anyway, Buddy and I went to Laurel lake to fish. Spoiler: We didn't catch anything worth bringing home. In fact, I spent most of my time sitting, staring off into the distance, contemplating life. When I was fishing, I sure wasn't putting much effort into it. I was too busy thinking about how much you're missing here on Earth.
When we arrived, the lake was still cool, with steam rising off the water from the dew that fell that morning. There was little to no traffic. The water was almost like a pond...still, only disturbed by the boat we were in which seemed to be literally soaring across the water with no effort. Once we found a spot, the sun beat down on me and the water. It eventually got hot and as much as I would've liked to have shed my leggings to get some sun on my legs, I just didn't care. Its like the more I had covering me, the more secure I felt, just like how I'm sure you'd feel if you were here. Babies love to be swaddled. You'd still be small enough to be swaddled. There were shad flipping everywhere, making little ripples in the water. I could see how the ripples would grow from a tiny circle to a big circle. The rocks that lined the bottoms of the mountains where the water had risen and fell for so many years, where the wind had blown the water a certain direction for so long, they were wrinkled with age. They had permanent markings from life. Kind of like me. There are permanent scars on my body from coming to know you. No amount of money could make me want to change that. I would have let them strip all the skin off my body if it would've saved you. We saw an eagle, perched atop of an old dead tree, eating whatever it caught. Something had to die to sustain the eagle's life. That seems more appropriate. Something dying to sustain another life, instead of something dying just to make another's life a living hell. That evening sunset sprawled across the water reminded me of how beautiful you are. It was warm, yet comforting on sunburned skin and shone on the deep green water, a silvery light. This world can be a beautiful place, Emma, and I feel so sad you cannot see it with me. There are so many things I longed to show you. I know you can see them from your view, but it's just not the same.
So many lives are forever heavier from knowing of you and seeing you. So many people miss you so bad. Not sure if anyone misses you as much as me. There are so many things, literally everything reminds of me you. I even wore a shirt the other day, that I was wearing whenever I found out that your little heart had stopped. It was the first time I had worn it since then. I had a hard time putting my head through the shoulders of that shirt. It was like wearing a full blown bad luck charm. I'm sure it had nothing to do with the pair of yoga pants I had one. The floral print bra I was wearing. The pink jegging tee I was talking about. I'm sure it was none of that. But it sure feels like if I wear any of those, something bad will happen to me. I just want a do over. To change whatever needs changing in the past that would keep you here with me so I could raise you up and watch you turn into an adult and let you give me some grandchildren one day. To watch Shade love on you, to watch him protect you and care for you. To watch your daddy be wrapped around your pinky finger more than he already is. To not have to go up to grassy branch to visit you. I'd give anything, really.
I just wish things were different.
Mommy loves you, sweet girl.
xoxo
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