8 weeks
Its a beautiful fall day. I would've had today off, had I not so desperately pleaded with a coworker and my boss to switch days so that I could be off Friday to trick or treat with Shade. My boss had asked my why I didn't originally ask off for Halloween anyway. I didn't really think about it at the time, and Hyden usually never has trick or treating on the same day as Halloween, and when I got my schedule I just didn't even think about it. Then one day it hit me. I won't even be able to take the only child I have left trick or treating. It didn't help that my mind flashed to a prior daydream I'd had about babywearing Emma in a cute Halloween outfit, dressed in some comfy cute leggings and boots, an oversized tunic with a scarf, following my two boys around while Shade was enamored by the cool, crisp, darkening fall air with all the spookiest of Hyden's people out and about, handing out cavity causing treats by the hundreds. Then my mind went to how excited Shade is about Halloween, he's just like his Daddy in that aspect. I felt so guilty that I couldn't go. SO I made it happen. I told my boss I just didn't really expect it to hit me that way. I had thought that being at work would be more distracting, and I wouldn't think about walking around babyless, being provoked to answer questions by strangers or having everyone look at me all sorry-like all evening while attempting to enjoy it all. Like that'll happen, right? But I realized how selfish I was being... and then it bothered me that I had all but forgotten about my special little boy and how nice it would be to watch him have so much fun on Halloween for probably the first time. All the other times he was just going through the motions. Maybe next Halloween will be different.
I also work Thanksgiving this year. And while so far that hasn't phased me, because Thanksgiving has no ties with anything for me that I can think of. Except that I would've found a cute little "baby's first thanksgiving" outfit to go on Emma, and likely wore her all day, frequently bending my head down to smell her hair and give her little sleeping cheeks a smooch. But that would be daily for me. We will have our TG on a different day if need be. I'd rather have that double time pay at this point and be at work and be extremely distracted, than worry about it here at home, fat, full, and lonely. Maybe next Thanksgiving will be different.
Anyway, back to it being a beautiful fall day. Its overcast, like a good late October day should be. Its in the low 70s, perfect mix of a warmish coolish breeze blowing the many leaves around. It would've been a great day to be alive. The world is cruel. Every agonizing second is a reminder. Every day I am alive, is a day she is not. 8 weeks. or 2 months if you count it that way. Not quite 2 months. But still 8 weeks. I feel like its taken an eternity for it to be not September, and now its almost not October and it'll be November, then December...then we'll leave 2014 behind. I can't say 2014 was worth a shit at this point. If things had worked out like they were supposed to, it would've been probably one of the best years of my life. Got a new job that I actually loved... had my 2nd child, everything would've been going well. And everything on paper is going well. Things are for the most part working out in our favor I guess. Except for me hitting a deer. That sucked. But the one thing that's missing that's supposed to be here is such a big chunk of everything that it fogs up everything good in my life to where I can't even appreciate it. I've said it 320958 times. But, 2014 ruined my life. Yes I got to meet my sweet, precious girl. But I also had to give her back and lose her. I don't know how I made it almost 29 years in this little plastic bubble I lived in. Sure I've had my share of 'troubles'... but nothing like this. So many other people have gone through this or at least a worse tragedy than the things I have experienced before this. And they go on. You'd never know. There's no scars or permanent markers on them to let you know from the outside how messed up they are on the inside. Someone told me the other day...that I always looked like I had 'something on my mind' or was 'worried over something' and that is kind of what I was saying in a previous entry about being different. How there's just not light in my eyes like there used to be. I dunno.
This grief is killing my present. I either live in the past or the future. Never now. I either compare everything that happens to whether or not I was pregnant with Emma, or how that relates to her, or the future how it would've been with her, or whether or not I will be pregnant yet with baby #3. I spend all my time reminiscing, about when I was pregnant and the thoughts I have. Or fast forwarding to either my next birth, or imagining what the future should've been like. Like I obviously can't enjoy fall like I so longed to. I just sit here looking a solid year into the future, hoping I have another child by then, or being sad about how 'now' SHOULD HAVE been. I mean, if I could stop it, I would. I like to blog because I feel like it lets me get out things that otherwise would either burden people, or be too lengthy to actually tell a real person, in person. But I hate it at the same time because oftentimes it sends my day spiraling into the dark hole I reside in most of the time. Its just one of those things, sometimes I start it and I can't stop it.
They say it gets easier. And I think it does. I think it is. I fully believe that God wouldn't let someone live like this forever. I fully believe that in order to learn your lesson, you must take something from it. And in order to learn from it, you have to be able to live with it and go day to day without being like I am. So I keep thinking, this too shall pass. I can't pass it off as just a 'this' because a lot of people use that phrase just whenever something they think is 'so bad' happens. THIS is not a 'this'. Its something much bigger than that. And while I don't want it to pass, I don't want life to be like this forever. Unfortunately its not something I can just up and change like some things. Some people suffer from horrible relationships, living arrangements, jobs, weight probs, etc. That can all be changed. This is different. A lot of people mistake 'this too shall pass' as a bible verse. It is not. It is derived from this verse: 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
Which is basically saying, everything bad that is happening now is temporary. We must concentrate on the good things that are to come in the future and things that are unseen. Things that are troublesome and seen now are temporary, but those that are not are eternal.
I can only hope that this pain and suffering is temporary and will lead me to something that will essentially put a band aid over this hole in my heart. I'm fully aware that nothing can fix this. I will never be whole. But, something has to stop the blood from spilling daily. After all, I only have so much.
I had a dream last night. I dreamed I had a baby. I was still 8w post partum, and the baby was of course roughly 8 weeks old, and I was trying to nurse her. But it wasn't Emma. I don't know who it was. But it was mine, and it was the first time I had seen her. What does that mean?
I take 2 steps forward and 35 back. I regressed week before last. That was my 35 back. Last week and this week have been my 2 forward. I am dreading the regression that I may have soon. I had a bad evening Thursday-- Shade was rashy all over. He was sick and couldn't sleep and miserable. I was of course at work and Tommy was at home freaking out because nothing was working and I wasn't there to manage things or at least try to provide some help. I snuck off from the ER for about 15 minutes to get a snack. When really all I was doing was walking the hallways of the hospital. Remind me to blog about that, too. How being in the hospital feels at night. Its interesting and devastating at the same time.
Its been 8 weeks. 8 weeks since many things. Since I've held her, saw her, touched her, smelled her. 8 weeks seems like an eternity, and a second. I look at pictures every day, still to this day, and will every day of my life. I try to focus on how beautiful she was. How impossible it seems to have created something so perfect like her, and Shade from my body. Its really miraculous. Its just inexplicably difficult to manage in my mind, why I couldn't keep her here. I just have to keep telling myself its something I had no control over and there just HAS to be a reason for this. I just wish my sweet baby wasn't a part of whatever this master plan was. I miss her so.
xoxo
I also work Thanksgiving this year. And while so far that hasn't phased me, because Thanksgiving has no ties with anything for me that I can think of. Except that I would've found a cute little "baby's first thanksgiving" outfit to go on Emma, and likely wore her all day, frequently bending my head down to smell her hair and give her little sleeping cheeks a smooch. But that would be daily for me. We will have our TG on a different day if need be. I'd rather have that double time pay at this point and be at work and be extremely distracted, than worry about it here at home, fat, full, and lonely. Maybe next Thanksgiving will be different.
Anyway, back to it being a beautiful fall day. Its overcast, like a good late October day should be. Its in the low 70s, perfect mix of a warmish coolish breeze blowing the many leaves around. It would've been a great day to be alive. The world is cruel. Every agonizing second is a reminder. Every day I am alive, is a day she is not. 8 weeks. or 2 months if you count it that way. Not quite 2 months. But still 8 weeks. I feel like its taken an eternity for it to be not September, and now its almost not October and it'll be November, then December...then we'll leave 2014 behind. I can't say 2014 was worth a shit at this point. If things had worked out like they were supposed to, it would've been probably one of the best years of my life. Got a new job that I actually loved... had my 2nd child, everything would've been going well. And everything on paper is going well. Things are for the most part working out in our favor I guess. Except for me hitting a deer. That sucked. But the one thing that's missing that's supposed to be here is such a big chunk of everything that it fogs up everything good in my life to where I can't even appreciate it. I've said it 320958 times. But, 2014 ruined my life. Yes I got to meet my sweet, precious girl. But I also had to give her back and lose her. I don't know how I made it almost 29 years in this little plastic bubble I lived in. Sure I've had my share of 'troubles'... but nothing like this. So many other people have gone through this or at least a worse tragedy than the things I have experienced before this. And they go on. You'd never know. There's no scars or permanent markers on them to let you know from the outside how messed up they are on the inside. Someone told me the other day...that I always looked like I had 'something on my mind' or was 'worried over something' and that is kind of what I was saying in a previous entry about being different. How there's just not light in my eyes like there used to be. I dunno.
This grief is killing my present. I either live in the past or the future. Never now. I either compare everything that happens to whether or not I was pregnant with Emma, or how that relates to her, or the future how it would've been with her, or whether or not I will be pregnant yet with baby #3. I spend all my time reminiscing, about when I was pregnant and the thoughts I have. Or fast forwarding to either my next birth, or imagining what the future should've been like. Like I obviously can't enjoy fall like I so longed to. I just sit here looking a solid year into the future, hoping I have another child by then, or being sad about how 'now' SHOULD HAVE been. I mean, if I could stop it, I would. I like to blog because I feel like it lets me get out things that otherwise would either burden people, or be too lengthy to actually tell a real person, in person. But I hate it at the same time because oftentimes it sends my day spiraling into the dark hole I reside in most of the time. Its just one of those things, sometimes I start it and I can't stop it.
They say it gets easier. And I think it does. I think it is. I fully believe that God wouldn't let someone live like this forever. I fully believe that in order to learn your lesson, you must take something from it. And in order to learn from it, you have to be able to live with it and go day to day without being like I am. So I keep thinking, this too shall pass. I can't pass it off as just a 'this' because a lot of people use that phrase just whenever something they think is 'so bad' happens. THIS is not a 'this'. Its something much bigger than that. And while I don't want it to pass, I don't want life to be like this forever. Unfortunately its not something I can just up and change like some things. Some people suffer from horrible relationships, living arrangements, jobs, weight probs, etc. That can all be changed. This is different. A lot of people mistake 'this too shall pass' as a bible verse. It is not. It is derived from this verse: 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18 “For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal.”
Which is basically saying, everything bad that is happening now is temporary. We must concentrate on the good things that are to come in the future and things that are unseen. Things that are troublesome and seen now are temporary, but those that are not are eternal.
I can only hope that this pain and suffering is temporary and will lead me to something that will essentially put a band aid over this hole in my heart. I'm fully aware that nothing can fix this. I will never be whole. But, something has to stop the blood from spilling daily. After all, I only have so much.
I had a dream last night. I dreamed I had a baby. I was still 8w post partum, and the baby was of course roughly 8 weeks old, and I was trying to nurse her. But it wasn't Emma. I don't know who it was. But it was mine, and it was the first time I had seen her. What does that mean?
I take 2 steps forward and 35 back. I regressed week before last. That was my 35 back. Last week and this week have been my 2 forward. I am dreading the regression that I may have soon. I had a bad evening Thursday-- Shade was rashy all over. He was sick and couldn't sleep and miserable. I was of course at work and Tommy was at home freaking out because nothing was working and I wasn't there to manage things or at least try to provide some help. I snuck off from the ER for about 15 minutes to get a snack. When really all I was doing was walking the hallways of the hospital. Remind me to blog about that, too. How being in the hospital feels at night. Its interesting and devastating at the same time.
Its been 8 weeks. 8 weeks since many things. Since I've held her, saw her, touched her, smelled her. 8 weeks seems like an eternity, and a second. I look at pictures every day, still to this day, and will every day of my life. I try to focus on how beautiful she was. How impossible it seems to have created something so perfect like her, and Shade from my body. Its really miraculous. Its just inexplicably difficult to manage in my mind, why I couldn't keep her here. I just have to keep telling myself its something I had no control over and there just HAS to be a reason for this. I just wish my sweet baby wasn't a part of whatever this master plan was. I miss her so.
xoxo
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