6 weeks

I know i said i wouldn't do this weekly, but 6 weeks is always like...a milestone, right? 1.5 months.

Since she came and went. Its not fair and itll never be fair. Im beginning to think ill never get better.

Fuck the holidays, btw. All the hustle and bustle and i would almost not even bother with a tree this year or gifts bc id rather just pretend xmas didnt exist, cause all its gonna do is cause me to go thru xmas eve which is when i found out i was pregnant. Then Christmas day which we should be celebrating with Emma here. But i can't skip xmas because shadey loves it and i want him to be happy.    

I have a friend who is due anyday now with an Emma. We talk some about her pregnancy and such. And refer to them as my Emma and your Emma. That part kills my soul, more than a lot of things do. Part of me is so happy for her. That her emma is in fact ok. Part of me is so damn jealous i cant think straight. Her Emma's heart beat coming in loud and clear. My Emma's heart beat stopped 6 weeks ago. Just really though wtf?

Wtf does stuff like this happen for ???? Why couldnt it have happened to some crackhead who didnt want their baby? Will i have anything good again? Not that i dont, but i sit and think sometimes that ill never dig myself out of this hole. I need a sign to tell me its okay to be happy. Okay to be okay.  If ive had a good day, tommys had a bad one. Or vice versa. Its like I'm swimming against the current with concrete blocks tied to my feet. Slowly sinking. Not getting any better...getting worse. Work helps, but its like i regress. I get a few steps forward and then fall 10 back. I just can't leave it behind and i dont know how to go on.  How can i go on? Why would i? Everything surrounding her, if left behind, will only make her seem further away.

Today i got her outfit she wore at the hospital out of the bag the funeral home sent it back home in. Her "coming home" outfit. first the hat. Then the gown. I smelled them, they smelled of fabric softener from where i had washed all her clothes. I laid the gown on my chest and just hugged it. I could almost feel her body still in it. The little blood stain from when i accidentally opened her mouth while i was just touching her lips at the hospital had almost all but disappeared from the right sleeve of her gown near the end of it. I just held the gown up against my chest while i cried. Gravity pulling my knees to the floor. I only went in there for a washcloth to wash Shade's face with after lunch. See how everything gets twisted?

I cant celebrate him like i should bc i am always thinking of her. Thats not fair. I said id never make differences in my children and often worried how id love two before she arrived. It was one of my biggest worries, how id love two kids and how id keep her from taking attention away from him. He doesnt know the difference, that i can tell. But i do. My every thought revolves around her or getting pregnant again. Before it was just him, and sometimes her when shed remind me she was in there or id have to do something to make sure things were ready for her. Wtf am i doing? ? Am i going to be doubly punished for being so one sidedly distracted?

I just miss her so much. Its been 6 weeks. I pray for her to guide me...help me...please help mommy. Help me hold on. because i truly feel like im losing this battle sometimes.

Its time for me to look at her pics on my phone and kiss the screen like i do every single night. Cuddle up with her blanket like every single night.  Cry myself to sleep like i have the past few nights. Work tomorrow at noon for 3 days.

Its so hard to be hopeful.
Its only getting harder. How is that ok? I miss her so much. I miss my spunk and the part of ME thats missing now too. I miss the happy i used to have. The smile i had. Feeling whole and healthy and right. Ive given up on myself. That me doesnt exist anymore. And that makes me wonder will i ever be worth anything to my family again? Or am i going to be this useless sack of void forever. How can i get back to enjoying my husband and baby boy? That perhaps breaks my heart the most. And typing out how i really feel makes it real and makes me realize what dangerous ground im treading on. Like I'll lose the 2 people who mean the most to me because my grief is so blinding i cant appreciate them. They were all i needed before. Why can't they be again?

Man this is some bullshit.