Definitely Not

How i imagined my first trip back to the city park  to be. I assumed after i recovered, id spend a little out of several nice fall days  letting shade run and play while emma lounged in her stroller or in her boba wrap snug up to me, milk drunk and sun bathing.

But instead, shade and i are alone. Well, moms with us. But still. Just not how it was supposed to be.

Last time i was here i was pregnant and talking to a random woman about how i was going to adjust to having two children. Little did i know i wouldnt have to make that adjustment so soon.

And i cant just avoid places i know will remind me of my loss, because then i couldn't exist, because everything reminds me. And i cant just stop doing things, because shade shouldnt have to suffer along with me if he doesn't have to.

He even introduces himself as a big brother sometimes. And he is. That much will never change. I know his heart breaks along with mine somedays. I just hope i can give him a living sibling  soon.

See what i mean? Everything  is never the same. Nothing can be enjoyed like its supposed  to be.