Tuesday 21
Here we are again, yet another week has passed.
Almost 5 months since I held my sweet girl. I received her Heart from Hope's Healing Hearts ( www.facebook.com/hopes healing hearts - by the way they need donations of supplies and money, as they are 100% nonprofit and really help families like us out of their own pockets ) the other day. When I first held it, I was in the kitchen, alone, 1am, after work and firstly I was so amazed at how beautiful it was with her name on it and the teal colors with purple and yellow flowers, and her name embroidered in purple. Secondly, when I picked it up, it weighs 7lb10oz just like she did at birth... it felt like the heaviest thing I'd ever held. My arms literally ached holding that weight. A sharp ache straight through my bones and into my heart, as cheesy as it sounds. I think I went into an arrythmia for a second. All jokes aside, It was like a mountain waiting to crumble under the weight of the world. My muscles strained to hold it and it felt as if I couldn't hold it any longer...then the tears came. I closed my eyes and imagined if it were her in my arms just for a minute. Oh, if only. It was therapeutic. We sleep with it.
On the same day, I also received a beautiful bracelet that I've yet to photograph from a good online friend I met via ttc... Ciera. I love it. So thoughtful and sweet.
Its almost February. What the? Time is flying. If only it could keep flying until I had my next child. Whenever the crap that is.
I had to go to the lab the other day to get some PRBCs for a patient. I wasn't paying attention, as I was in a hurry, and I ended up about 1/4 the way down the hall at radiology before I realized I missed the elevator. I was almost to the room where we had our last ultrasound for Emma. I suddenly retched. I literally almost vomited right there. And if you know me, you know I don't vomit. I was over it fairly quickly, but it seems like my reactions are becoming more tactile. I have more PTSD, more anxiety. Although, I do deal better, but my reactions are just worse I guess. I'm not sure.
I had an interaction with someone named Emma the other day. An adult. Not in the greatest health, cleanliness, or anything else. I thought to myself for a second, I hope my Emma doesn't ever end up like that. Then I realized...she won't. Sad, but also glad for at least that much I know for sure. Sometimes I still feel like she is here.
I have a dental appt tomorrow. It makes me want to just hide. I don't think I'll be getting anything done tomorrow, but either way, I am dreading it. I wish I had the nerve just to suck it up and get stuff done w/o requesting sedation. I don't even know.
For the last few days, I have noticed extreme narcoleptic type fatigue no matter how much I sleep, which is a lot actually, this weird flip flop feeling my heart does now and again, among several other symptoms I don't care to mention on a blog... I dunno whats going on to me but I made a dr appt with an NP to get a checkup now that my insurance is all good to go. I dread paying for that crap every month though.
I don't have a WHOLE lot to say today for some reason. I had all kinds of ideas of things to put on my blog until now. I've put it off all day. Trying to keep myself from spiraling into a train of thought that would not be good for my psyche this evening.
I gotta have a release. I need for it to be warm. I need for me to be pregnant again. I will have my release eventually. There's only so many things I can change in a short period of time. Trying to stay on track financially, yet do what I want can prove to be very challenging.
I realize people that go through what we go through have so much less fear. What I mean is, the worst thing you could ever imagine has already happened to us. So what are we to be afraid of, besides losing another child? Or maybe a close family member? Nothing. Things seem so much less scary than before. Maybe a bit more careless. So you can guarantee that if we DO exhibit a fear, it is a soul encompassing, terrifying, probably scarier than you have ever felt in your life, type of fear.
I miss my girl. We all miss my girl. I will always wish things were different.
xoxo
Almost 5 months since I held my sweet girl. I received her Heart from Hope's Healing Hearts ( www.facebook.com/hopes healing hearts - by the way they need donations of supplies and money, as they are 100% nonprofit and really help families like us out of their own pockets ) the other day. When I first held it, I was in the kitchen, alone, 1am, after work and firstly I was so amazed at how beautiful it was with her name on it and the teal colors with purple and yellow flowers, and her name embroidered in purple. Secondly, when I picked it up, it weighs 7lb10oz just like she did at birth... it felt like the heaviest thing I'd ever held. My arms literally ached holding that weight. A sharp ache straight through my bones and into my heart, as cheesy as it sounds. I think I went into an arrythmia for a second. All jokes aside, It was like a mountain waiting to crumble under the weight of the world. My muscles strained to hold it and it felt as if I couldn't hold it any longer...then the tears came. I closed my eyes and imagined if it were her in my arms just for a minute. Oh, if only. It was therapeutic. We sleep with it.
On the same day, I also received a beautiful bracelet that I've yet to photograph from a good online friend I met via ttc... Ciera. I love it. So thoughtful and sweet.
Its almost February. What the? Time is flying. If only it could keep flying until I had my next child. Whenever the crap that is.
I had to go to the lab the other day to get some PRBCs for a patient. I wasn't paying attention, as I was in a hurry, and I ended up about 1/4 the way down the hall at radiology before I realized I missed the elevator. I was almost to the room where we had our last ultrasound for Emma. I suddenly retched. I literally almost vomited right there. And if you know me, you know I don't vomit. I was over it fairly quickly, but it seems like my reactions are becoming more tactile. I have more PTSD, more anxiety. Although, I do deal better, but my reactions are just worse I guess. I'm not sure.
I had an interaction with someone named Emma the other day. An adult. Not in the greatest health, cleanliness, or anything else. I thought to myself for a second, I hope my Emma doesn't ever end up like that. Then I realized...she won't. Sad, but also glad for at least that much I know for sure. Sometimes I still feel like she is here.
I have a dental appt tomorrow. It makes me want to just hide. I don't think I'll be getting anything done tomorrow, but either way, I am dreading it. I wish I had the nerve just to suck it up and get stuff done w/o requesting sedation. I don't even know.
For the last few days, I have noticed extreme narcoleptic type fatigue no matter how much I sleep, which is a lot actually, this weird flip flop feeling my heart does now and again, among several other symptoms I don't care to mention on a blog... I dunno whats going on to me but I made a dr appt with an NP to get a checkup now that my insurance is all good to go. I dread paying for that crap every month though.
I don't have a WHOLE lot to say today for some reason. I had all kinds of ideas of things to put on my blog until now. I've put it off all day. Trying to keep myself from spiraling into a train of thought that would not be good for my psyche this evening.
I gotta have a release. I need for it to be warm. I need for me to be pregnant again. I will have my release eventually. There's only so many things I can change in a short period of time. Trying to stay on track financially, yet do what I want can prove to be very challenging.
I realize people that go through what we go through have so much less fear. What I mean is, the worst thing you could ever imagine has already happened to us. So what are we to be afraid of, besides losing another child? Or maybe a close family member? Nothing. Things seem so much less scary than before. Maybe a bit more careless. So you can guarantee that if we DO exhibit a fear, it is a soul encompassing, terrifying, probably scarier than you have ever felt in your life, type of fear.
I miss my girl. We all miss my girl. I will always wish things were different.
xoxo
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