20 Tuesdays
Twenty Tuesdays, since my baby girl has came and passed...
No amount of wishing could bring her back, because god knows if it could, she'd be here.
Shade said just yesterday to Maggie "I am going to take a ride in a hot air balloon and talk to God. I am going to ask him to give us a baby to come live with us and not die. Please please please ! And God is going to say yes!" I sure hope God hears little boys' prayers and gives me a take home baby girl (or boy) very soon. An uneventful, smooth sailing, healthy, happy pregnancy and baby, this year. He was whispering this morning about wishing. I told him it was 11:11, make a wish. And he said "I wish I had a baby girl baby in mommy's belly!" And it was the sweetest thing. I love him so much and I just yearn to see him with a sibling. I know my heart will likely burst.
Since we booked our beach house, I constantly have visions of me standing on the beach, with a baby belly, Shade by my side and Emma's name written in the sand, sunset glaring on my face. And then a family picture with Emma's name written in the sand. I thought I wouldn't want to go to the beach, that it would remind me too much of Emma and how she was there with us and how we bought her some of her first outfits while we were there. The little strawberry outfit, and the adorable mint green hot air balloon outfit. So many signs this week. What Shade said. Several women I am ttc with ovulating at the same time (lol the things we talk about and think are normal during ttc). My opks had been negative, then I went to visit Emma's grave-- and I came back home and they were blaring, and I got my peak on my clearblue advance digital monitor the next day. A little boy about Shade's age was getting an IV today and he reminded me so much of Shade-- and I almost lost it when these words came out of his mouth while he was scared and in tears, "What about Emma?!" His mother answered something about her being okay that she was with "unky".
Planning out how our names will look on Christmas cards is something I do. What kind of outfits I could put on a baby for Thanksgiving or Christmas, again... I need to find a way to lasso my stress. I know stress is taking its toll on my body. Being in between insurances and not being able to go to the doctor...but then again who goes to their OBGYN for anxiety meds? I don't want to take anything I'll just have to wean off of later if I get pregnant anyway. If I don't conceive this cycle, with everything so appearingly lined out, ovulation on track matching up everything chart-wise, and all these signs,.. I will have to go to the doctor and see what is up with my body. Time is ticking. I need a 2015 baby for my healing. I constantly look and think about baby names. And again, everything is a double edged sword. With every baby name I see, I think of EMMA.
Life is weird now. Everything I do is split down the middle. Preventing me from living in the present, a part of me is always thinking of the past, stuck in the past. Kind of like purgatory sometimes. I try to find ways to be positive, to think of her in a positive way, to think oh it'll be soon before I am pregnant again and I can use that to kind of help my thoughts. And feeling bad for thinking this is purgatory, when I have such a beautiful family here earth side as well, and that I am literally calling my life hell-because I am afraid that I will lose Shade because I am not appreciating him. Which is definitely not the case. I've said this before of course.
I need spring time as well. Spring time reminds me when I was pregnant with Emma. I hope to be pregnant and expecting new life again, to remind me that not all is bad. I hate that Shade is so close to death, he knows death now. I know I'm trying too hard, and I hear people say ohhh quit trying, it'll happen. I do NOT want to hear that. Because when I think of just stopping, giving up, I feel like my heart could stop beating too. I fear if I give that up there will be several things I will give up, and I can't go there just yet. My stomach wrenches. Its all about learning to exist in two different worlds. One world where you are dead. One world where you are alive. I know it'll take years.
I also struggle with wondering what makes me think I deserve another baby? I didn't for whatever reason deserve to keep Emma... so, yeah. Its all some struggle one way or another. I am surprisingly able to cope with this, and learn to deal with it in different ways.
I am so thankful for my SOBBS friends. They have been there more than a lot of people have. Its just amazing, and sooo sad how many people have went through this that sit in the shadows silently. People all around me. I sit in the room right now with two people who have had stillborn babies. TWO. And nobody would ever know it.
I am able to somehow be hopeful in the midst of this. Among missing her more than I'd miss the air I breathe if someone cut it off...I still constantly imagine how things will be a couple months from now. The weather has been quite mild for this time of year and reminds me of spring so badly, how badly I need spring to show up and soon. So many things I have on my list to do, and how I dread those first ultrasounds but yet I am so excited for them and there's no reason to be excited because I'm not pregnant. I think about getting to 12 weeks and seeing little arms and legs and movement... and then 16 weeks and starting to FEEL movement, and finding out the gender. Maybe having a gender reveal party. Then doing spring photos and maybe showcasing whatever baby belly I have at that point. Wearing my white tee shirt at work because my scrubs will get too tight. Going swimming with my bathing suit and belly all popped out. Things before that I wasn't really embarrassed of, but just didn't show off. I always feel like a plague when I'm pregnant. But, now I don't care who likes it or who doesn't like it. I just want that feeling. I want Tommy and Shade to be more excited, to want to rub on the belly and talk to the little life growing in my belly.
On another note, I haven't had soda in almost 2 weeks. I am trying to lose a few pounds before I get pregnant if possible. I feel better overall but I haven't lost any weight yet. We shall see how that goes.
Classes start back this week. Just go ahead and punch me now. I have some teeth issues to take care of, shoot me in the foot.
Anyway. Another Tuesday ends in 3 minutes. I have made it yet another day. Another Tuesday. Another week. I can hope to make it longer, easier. I miss my girl so much. I love her more than anyone could imagine. If only I could turn back time, and make things the way I believe they should be.
<3
xoxo
No amount of wishing could bring her back, because god knows if it could, she'd be here.
Shade said just yesterday to Maggie "I am going to take a ride in a hot air balloon and talk to God. I am going to ask him to give us a baby to come live with us and not die. Please please please ! And God is going to say yes!" I sure hope God hears little boys' prayers and gives me a take home baby girl (or boy) very soon. An uneventful, smooth sailing, healthy, happy pregnancy and baby, this year. He was whispering this morning about wishing. I told him it was 11:11, make a wish. And he said "I wish I had a baby girl baby in mommy's belly!" And it was the sweetest thing. I love him so much and I just yearn to see him with a sibling. I know my heart will likely burst.
Since we booked our beach house, I constantly have visions of me standing on the beach, with a baby belly, Shade by my side and Emma's name written in the sand, sunset glaring on my face. And then a family picture with Emma's name written in the sand. I thought I wouldn't want to go to the beach, that it would remind me too much of Emma and how she was there with us and how we bought her some of her first outfits while we were there. The little strawberry outfit, and the adorable mint green hot air balloon outfit. So many signs this week. What Shade said. Several women I am ttc with ovulating at the same time (lol the things we talk about and think are normal during ttc). My opks had been negative, then I went to visit Emma's grave-- and I came back home and they were blaring, and I got my peak on my clearblue advance digital monitor the next day. A little boy about Shade's age was getting an IV today and he reminded me so much of Shade-- and I almost lost it when these words came out of his mouth while he was scared and in tears, "What about Emma?!" His mother answered something about her being okay that she was with "unky".
Planning out how our names will look on Christmas cards is something I do. What kind of outfits I could put on a baby for Thanksgiving or Christmas, again... I need to find a way to lasso my stress. I know stress is taking its toll on my body. Being in between insurances and not being able to go to the doctor...but then again who goes to their OBGYN for anxiety meds? I don't want to take anything I'll just have to wean off of later if I get pregnant anyway. If I don't conceive this cycle, with everything so appearingly lined out, ovulation on track matching up everything chart-wise, and all these signs,.. I will have to go to the doctor and see what is up with my body. Time is ticking. I need a 2015 baby for my healing. I constantly look and think about baby names. And again, everything is a double edged sword. With every baby name I see, I think of EMMA.
Life is weird now. Everything I do is split down the middle. Preventing me from living in the present, a part of me is always thinking of the past, stuck in the past. Kind of like purgatory sometimes. I try to find ways to be positive, to think of her in a positive way, to think oh it'll be soon before I am pregnant again and I can use that to kind of help my thoughts. And feeling bad for thinking this is purgatory, when I have such a beautiful family here earth side as well, and that I am literally calling my life hell-because I am afraid that I will lose Shade because I am not appreciating him. Which is definitely not the case. I've said this before of course.
I need spring time as well. Spring time reminds me when I was pregnant with Emma. I hope to be pregnant and expecting new life again, to remind me that not all is bad. I hate that Shade is so close to death, he knows death now. I know I'm trying too hard, and I hear people say ohhh quit trying, it'll happen. I do NOT want to hear that. Because when I think of just stopping, giving up, I feel like my heart could stop beating too. I fear if I give that up there will be several things I will give up, and I can't go there just yet. My stomach wrenches. Its all about learning to exist in two different worlds. One world where you are dead. One world where you are alive. I know it'll take years.
I also struggle with wondering what makes me think I deserve another baby? I didn't for whatever reason deserve to keep Emma... so, yeah. Its all some struggle one way or another. I am surprisingly able to cope with this, and learn to deal with it in different ways.
I am so thankful for my SOBBS friends. They have been there more than a lot of people have. Its just amazing, and sooo sad how many people have went through this that sit in the shadows silently. People all around me. I sit in the room right now with two people who have had stillborn babies. TWO. And nobody would ever know it.
I am able to somehow be hopeful in the midst of this. Among missing her more than I'd miss the air I breathe if someone cut it off...I still constantly imagine how things will be a couple months from now. The weather has been quite mild for this time of year and reminds me of spring so badly, how badly I need spring to show up and soon. So many things I have on my list to do, and how I dread those first ultrasounds but yet I am so excited for them and there's no reason to be excited because I'm not pregnant. I think about getting to 12 weeks and seeing little arms and legs and movement... and then 16 weeks and starting to FEEL movement, and finding out the gender. Maybe having a gender reveal party. Then doing spring photos and maybe showcasing whatever baby belly I have at that point. Wearing my white tee shirt at work because my scrubs will get too tight. Going swimming with my bathing suit and belly all popped out. Things before that I wasn't really embarrassed of, but just didn't show off. I always feel like a plague when I'm pregnant. But, now I don't care who likes it or who doesn't like it. I just want that feeling. I want Tommy and Shade to be more excited, to want to rub on the belly and talk to the little life growing in my belly.
On another note, I haven't had soda in almost 2 weeks. I am trying to lose a few pounds before I get pregnant if possible. I feel better overall but I haven't lost any weight yet. We shall see how that goes.
Classes start back this week. Just go ahead and punch me now. I have some teeth issues to take care of, shoot me in the foot.
Anyway. Another Tuesday ends in 3 minutes. I have made it yet another day. Another Tuesday. Another week. I can hope to make it longer, easier. I miss my girl so much. I love her more than anyone could imagine. If only I could turn back time, and make things the way I believe they should be.
<3
xoxo
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