Tuesday #19

In true Tuesday fashion, Emma's memory has surrounded me all day. I struggle the further away from September 2nd 2014 I get. Today is the first Tuesday I literally didn't have a minute to sit down and write due to work being so busy.

Today while I was getting ready for work, Shade asked me if I had a baby in my belly. I of course said no, not yet. Then we got to talking about Emma. I asked him if he dreamt of her. He said yes. I asked him what she did in his dreams. He said she was just sleeping because she didn't open her eyes because she couldn't ever come alive. Then he went on to say sometimes they watch TV or play in the living room. We talked about her some more and he said he misses her and somehow got around to saying because she died. I explained I never told him that. But he knew. I explained sometimes when people get sick and they go to the doctor and the doctor just cant fix it, they get tired and die. And they go to heaven like Emma. And I then explained that since we can't see the babies since they're in mommies bellies, sometimes we dont know if their heart is still beating, and that people cant live without their heart beating. And sometimes people's hearts just get tired and stop beating and if nobody knows, they die. And I told him that's what happened to baby Emma. He seemed to understand best he could. (And cue 97.9 radio just randomly plays "Angel" by Natasha Bedingfield...how old is that and why are they playing it? Baby girl is that you saying hello?) As we were getting loaded into the car to take him to Grammy's for the day, he asked if when I got another baby in my belly, if we could bring it home with us. Like it was some foreign thing to him. I hate that hes so jaded from this. That he actually knows babies die. and i told him that hopefully we do. And he got so excited, squeeled and yelled all the things he wanted to do. Playing godzilla, snuggling in bed, watching TV, traveling together, etc. I'm glad hes so excited but so sad he got robbed of his baby sister. We talked about how it was sad and wrong that babies and children had to die sometimes. He asked if he would die? I told him maybe when he was an old man one day. Its a double edged sword knowing he knows sometimes babies don't come home but also that he is do excited about me being pregnant again, whenever that is.

I had to get fetal heart tones on a baby today. 154. I dont do it a lot but I'm good at it. I dont necessarily want people to know. Because it, like many other things, is a double edged sword. I almost cried when I heard it, imagining when I'll hear my own sometime again.

I also took care of a patient that I last took care of in August. That patient was miscarrying. And i was her nurse. Large and pregnant. I thought how cruel and ironic life is. In the ER miscarrying, your nurse is largely pregnant and having a healthy full term baby (or thought so...). And that was the same day I had found out I was 3cm dilated. And Dr. Sink worked with me on her in the ER. She recognized me at some point and asked was it me. Then we talked for about a half hour about random things. How the tables had turned now, as she is 8w pregnant now. Leave it to a Tuesday for these things to happen.

A friend of mine at work understands my feelings so well. Its hard to believe I walk around daily, and know someone who lives and thinks/thought the same things  I do..

I still have not been blessed enough to dream of my sweet girl no matter how hard I try. I dream instead about ignorant things. Everything seems so far away from me. I feel 10 years away from Sept 2nd 2014. I feel 10 years away from a rainbow. I feel 7352 years away from seeing Emma again. Its kind of like purgatory sometimes.

I dread school starting back. I wish I'd get caught up with photography on my time off til it starts back but I know better. Ill wait til last minute to order books and to finish everything. Why I cant get ahead I wonder...

Nothing is the same. But then again things are the same...nothing has changed in that I am just as sad today as I was 19 weeks ago. I just don't always let people know. I miss her so badly. I want so much for things to just be different.

So many emotions thru my body on a given day. If any normal person had to endure it...its like being on a violent roller coaster.

I sure wish I had both my babies here earthside, oh how much love my heart could have seeing them  together and escaping the grief I know now all too well.

Miss and love you unexplainably, my sweet baby girl ♡