4 Months

Yesterday, Emma would've been 4 months old. I was so busy at work that I didn't get to blog or even have time to think about it. I feel like a dog turd because I didn't spend a lot of time thinking on it, but with the breakdown I had on christmas eve, it was probprobably for the best that I didnt think on it a lot. I think about her daily, I don't really need a day or anniversary or milestone to remind me. I end every night looking at her photos on my phone before bed and kissing her goodnight. But I always feel like I should blog when these days come along.

I set up my clearblue fertility monitor today and realized I should've set it up on cd1. Im cd6, but I just told it I was cd5, because I definitely don't want to wait til next month to use it, because I have a good feeling about January.

Our partition in the living room is coming along nicely. I know Emma would've enjoyed having the TV up where its going to be.

I finally signed up on insurance from work. I only signed up for myself, because with Shade on there its literally over $400/month. So I'm going to try to find him some insurance through another carrier soon before he needs it.  I have this nagging feeling something will happen because I didn't get him insurance. I feel like such a bad mother.  I had to get the best insurance offered, so all of my future high risk prenatal care would be covered.

Today is bradys birthday.  It was warm today, unusually warm. 60 degrees.  We went snd picked up a hanger to mount the flat screen on the wall and had some taco bell.

I find sometimes the whiffs of air smell like spring and it floods my mind with memories. Memories of not even a year ago, April 2014, May 2014. Warm breeze, belly getting bigger by the day with my girl enjoying the warmth of the amniotic fluid and my heart beating a steady lullaby. Watching my boy play and imagining how Emma will play with him. Then i look around and its obvious its not spring. No outside projects to do. No plants to plant. No playing outside. No imagining. Belly as empty as the branches on the trees. Reality. It has a way of knocking the wind out of me.