The Edge of 64 [Tuesdays]
Kentucky is really more bipolar than I'll ever be. Last year this time we had snow already. Everything was more bare than it is now and we had freezing temps consistently. Year before that, we still had colorful leaves and it was cold, but it had gotten cold slow and allowed for us to have a beautiful leaf show. This year, it's been warmer and dryer, which I've not minded, but one small cold snap and the leaves were here and gone within a week. Blah. I haven't been outside much, or well, haven't gotten the opportunity to be outside much because having a newborn and a 4 year old is difficult at first, I will say. I'm getting into the routine though.
With going back to work looming over my head, which I had hoped to take a longer break from -- but if I want to keep my job and my bills paid with money to spare, I must return. My original plan was to take my job down to PRN, and only work 1-2 days a week tops. But there was no way to work around that in my department. I was going to start my Master's degree course work in February. But now, things have changed. I had a heart to heart with myself and with the blessing and good advice from a fellow faith based NP community online, I have decided to take a break from school. I am not sure in the interim how I am supposed to pay my student loans, but like Paula & I say, we always figure out a way to make it. I am going back to work full time, only blessed with a day shift position, and I have myself set up with a couple different agencies just looking for the perfect opportunity with better pay for me. I can be choosy since I already have a good job that I like. I am, however, being blessed with the opportunity to get certified as a Stillbirthday Bereavement & Stillbirth Doula which gives me the training to do that and to be a doula for live births as well. That training will begin in January and last 8-12 weeks. I know this is just another way Emma is showing me that I can make a difference because of her. I want to spend a few years while my boys are young, not having my plate so full. So I will be doing full time day shift work, a little spurt of doula classes, and photography when the occasion arises. I have been doing shoots in my studio for Christmas and I have to say it feels good to be back in there comfortably, because it reminds me of 'the before'. We plan to have another child to try for an earthly girl in these few years as well, and once I have a girl, then I will pursue my NP career. By then I should have a good amount of nursing experience and that will only help me to be the best I can be for my patients. I am just tired of deadlines. And I do it to myself, so no more.
I am already looking forward to spring. To the beach. For the dead hills to come alive again.
Thanksgiving is in 4 days. I think we are having it here, which is a first. Ha. It'll be small as usual, as our family dwindled down so much over the past several years. Then its time to ramp up for Christmas. The boys' gifts all except one are in layaway and being paid on. I have plenty of shopping to knock out on Black Friday & Cyber Monday (ALL ONLINE MIND YOU) for Christmas and then I can breathe. then go back to work and hold my breath some more. lol. We are getting a live tree for the first time this year. I look forward to decorating it. I don't want to mess with the unpacking and packing of a regular tree and I just know all of the beautiful ornaments we have will look great on a live tree. I feel bad for using a live tree that's grown for years just for my enjoyment only to throw it away later, but I figure I can save one from going to waste at the least, plus they smell nice.
I still haven't mailed out the t-shirts for the angel walk. I am slacking on that. I need to set up a bank account and everything, too. I figured I should wait for the first of the year to do that.
Shade got his first school pictures back! I can't believe how fast he's growing.
Isaac turned 2 months old today. I love the basket pictures. I can really compare how he's grown and it's just so cute. I probably should've used a bigger laundry basket though. Too late now, I suppose.
It reminds me of my very early grief days last year this time how Emma should've been only 2 months old. Looking at him just reminds me of what I missed and am missing with her. God I hope Christmas Eve goes better this year than last year. Last year for the first time ever, I had a full blown panic attack on my way in to work. This year I hope that because I have Isaac to help me heal, that it won't be as bad. If I could just not work on that day, it would be great. If I could spend the day here at home where I found out I was pregnant with Emma, surrounded by my family...it would be better. I hope I don't have to work Christmas this year, too. I worked pretty much ALL of the holidays last year. Volunteered myself, to keep myself busy. I don't think that was for the best. But its over now. It would only be fair for me not to work the holidays this year but we shall see. I was comfortably numb, then.
It's funny though. I already picture being pregnant again. I guess because, I didn't get a girl. Not that I am not thankful, please do not think of it that way. My body is almost tuned to trying to get a girl. I am confused, my body is confused. Its like it doesn't know how to just 'be' anymore. I was either trying to get pregnant or being pregnant for the better part since November 2013. That's 2 years that I was actively TTC or pregnant. I hid the 'memories' or 'on this day' option on facebook last year for the very reason that on December 24, it would show me that "One Year Ago Today" I found out I was pregnant with what would be sweet Emma. I look at it daily now, from a year ago and from two years ago. I really wish I could combine my two facebook accounts, because there are so many awesome memories on it too. I wish I hadn't been an idiot and deleted my old one and started a new one just because I thought someone was looking at my stuff, which in the long run, never really mattered. Hindsight, I guess. I guess I could manually log in and look @ Facebook Memories. Ugh, pain in my butt. I was just discussing the other day about how it's going to be nice to go on vacation this year with the family and NOT be pregnant because I have been the last 2 years. No peeing every 1-2 hours, no pelvic pain, no not being able to lie on my back to tan, you name it. Again, its an adjustment, as stupid as it sounds, to not being pregnant. I've spent a lot time doing it and I'm not done. BUT, I am giving myself a couple year break. My goal is to not start trying again until Isaac is walking at the soonest, and potty trained at the latest.
I almost think that my body will never be satisfied, even if I get pregnant and successfully bring a living girl into this world. Because none of them will ever be EMMA. I can't say for sure that is the case, but I will figure that out if I have a girl next time and I feel like I'm STILL not done for some reason, like my life is at the cusp of a semicolon; unfinished. I know she is not coming back to life or coming back to me. Sure, I see her daily in Isaac. And in other things. But my body doesn't understand that. The only way for me to find out is to have another, to get a girl, to see if that fixes my desire to have children. I know my body can't handle more than 1-2 more. If I space them out, maybe. I also have to think that no more people are gonna fit in this house LOL. Which, we do have options. We can always move. I have an eager renter for this home that I assume will always be around. And there are plenty of opportunities in other cities for me and possibly Tommy. That's a whole 'nother story though. I would have to justify myself moving from this home with the fact that it would be better for my family. Because otherwise I would just beat myself up over it.
With all that being said, I am eager to get back to getting in to shape. the least I can do for myself is to tone back up and maybe lose about 15-20 pounds before I get pregnant again. With my job and my luck it'll take me 2 years to lose that much LOL. I didn't have ANY time to recover between pregnancies last time, so that's a plus. I am going to be getting a gym membership soon and taking advantage of the work treadmill asap.
I read from a friend that this winter is supposed to be a bit drier and warmer. I pray that is true. After the winter we had last year, I need a mild winter. Its almost like last years winter weather reflected the storm I had raging in my own heart and mind. I just do NOT want to deal with being stuck in the house every other day and possibly having to call in, and not being able to get Maggie or my Mom up here to babysit on these bad roads just so I can go to work. I need a break. Winter is long enough without such horrible conditions. I enjoy the change, don't get me wrong, because the last days of summer just kind of get insufferable. Too humid, too hot, nothing is just 'green' anymore but that dark green in the leaves and greenery that shows that its been in the sun too long. Bugs swarm and snakes are everywhere. I just wish Fall hadn't literally came and went in a freaking week.
Crossing my fingers for a winter that is kind to us. Snow on Christmas, clear skies on New Year's Eve, and mild weather 'til Spring decides to rear its head. I need that for it to be kind to my soul which is tattered and torn from this time last year.
xoxo
With going back to work looming over my head, which I had hoped to take a longer break from -- but if I want to keep my job and my bills paid with money to spare, I must return. My original plan was to take my job down to PRN, and only work 1-2 days a week tops. But there was no way to work around that in my department. I was going to start my Master's degree course work in February. But now, things have changed. I had a heart to heart with myself and with the blessing and good advice from a fellow faith based NP community online, I have decided to take a break from school. I am not sure in the interim how I am supposed to pay my student loans, but like Paula & I say, we always figure out a way to make it. I am going back to work full time, only blessed with a day shift position, and I have myself set up with a couple different agencies just looking for the perfect opportunity with better pay for me. I can be choosy since I already have a good job that I like. I am, however, being blessed with the opportunity to get certified as a Stillbirthday Bereavement & Stillbirth Doula which gives me the training to do that and to be a doula for live births as well. That training will begin in January and last 8-12 weeks. I know this is just another way Emma is showing me that I can make a difference because of her. I want to spend a few years while my boys are young, not having my plate so full. So I will be doing full time day shift work, a little spurt of doula classes, and photography when the occasion arises. I have been doing shoots in my studio for Christmas and I have to say it feels good to be back in there comfortably, because it reminds me of 'the before'. We plan to have another child to try for an earthly girl in these few years as well, and once I have a girl, then I will pursue my NP career. By then I should have a good amount of nursing experience and that will only help me to be the best I can be for my patients. I am just tired of deadlines. And I do it to myself, so no more.
I am already looking forward to spring. To the beach. For the dead hills to come alive again.
Thanksgiving is in 4 days. I think we are having it here, which is a first. Ha. It'll be small as usual, as our family dwindled down so much over the past several years. Then its time to ramp up for Christmas. The boys' gifts all except one are in layaway and being paid on. I have plenty of shopping to knock out on Black Friday & Cyber Monday (ALL ONLINE MIND YOU) for Christmas and then I can breathe. then go back to work and hold my breath some more. lol. We are getting a live tree for the first time this year. I look forward to decorating it. I don't want to mess with the unpacking and packing of a regular tree and I just know all of the beautiful ornaments we have will look great on a live tree. I feel bad for using a live tree that's grown for years just for my enjoyment only to throw it away later, but I figure I can save one from going to waste at the least, plus they smell nice.
I still haven't mailed out the t-shirts for the angel walk. I am slacking on that. I need to set up a bank account and everything, too. I figured I should wait for the first of the year to do that.
Shade got his first school pictures back! I can't believe how fast he's growing.
It's funny though. I already picture being pregnant again. I guess because, I didn't get a girl. Not that I am not thankful, please do not think of it that way. My body is almost tuned to trying to get a girl. I am confused, my body is confused. Its like it doesn't know how to just 'be' anymore. I was either trying to get pregnant or being pregnant for the better part since November 2013. That's 2 years that I was actively TTC or pregnant. I hid the 'memories' or 'on this day' option on facebook last year for the very reason that on December 24, it would show me that "One Year Ago Today" I found out I was pregnant with what would be sweet Emma. I look at it daily now, from a year ago and from two years ago. I really wish I could combine my two facebook accounts, because there are so many awesome memories on it too. I wish I hadn't been an idiot and deleted my old one and started a new one just because I thought someone was looking at my stuff, which in the long run, never really mattered. Hindsight, I guess. I guess I could manually log in and look @ Facebook Memories. Ugh, pain in my butt. I was just discussing the other day about how it's going to be nice to go on vacation this year with the family and NOT be pregnant because I have been the last 2 years. No peeing every 1-2 hours, no pelvic pain, no not being able to lie on my back to tan, you name it. Again, its an adjustment, as stupid as it sounds, to not being pregnant. I've spent a lot time doing it and I'm not done. BUT, I am giving myself a couple year break. My goal is to not start trying again until Isaac is walking at the soonest, and potty trained at the latest.
I almost think that my body will never be satisfied, even if I get pregnant and successfully bring a living girl into this world. Because none of them will ever be EMMA. I can't say for sure that is the case, but I will figure that out if I have a girl next time and I feel like I'm STILL not done for some reason, like my life is at the cusp of a semicolon; unfinished. I know she is not coming back to life or coming back to me. Sure, I see her daily in Isaac. And in other things. But my body doesn't understand that. The only way for me to find out is to have another, to get a girl, to see if that fixes my desire to have children. I know my body can't handle more than 1-2 more. If I space them out, maybe. I also have to think that no more people are gonna fit in this house LOL. Which, we do have options. We can always move. I have an eager renter for this home that I assume will always be around. And there are plenty of opportunities in other cities for me and possibly Tommy. That's a whole 'nother story though. I would have to justify myself moving from this home with the fact that it would be better for my family. Because otherwise I would just beat myself up over it.
With all that being said, I am eager to get back to getting in to shape. the least I can do for myself is to tone back up and maybe lose about 15-20 pounds before I get pregnant again. With my job and my luck it'll take me 2 years to lose that much LOL. I didn't have ANY time to recover between pregnancies last time, so that's a plus. I am going to be getting a gym membership soon and taking advantage of the work treadmill asap.
I read from a friend that this winter is supposed to be a bit drier and warmer. I pray that is true. After the winter we had last year, I need a mild winter. Its almost like last years winter weather reflected the storm I had raging in my own heart and mind. I just do NOT want to deal with being stuck in the house every other day and possibly having to call in, and not being able to get Maggie or my Mom up here to babysit on these bad roads just so I can go to work. I need a break. Winter is long enough without such horrible conditions. I enjoy the change, don't get me wrong, because the last days of summer just kind of get insufferable. Too humid, too hot, nothing is just 'green' anymore but that dark green in the leaves and greenery that shows that its been in the sun too long. Bugs swarm and snakes are everywhere. I just wish Fall hadn't literally came and went in a freaking week.
Crossing my fingers for a winter that is kind to us. Snow on Christmas, clear skies on New Year's Eve, and mild weather 'til Spring decides to rear its head. I need that for it to be kind to my soul which is tattered and torn from this time last year.
xoxo
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