Almost 61
The Project Capture Your Grief is now over, so it is time for me to return to my own blogging.
Tomorrow is the 61st Tuesday since Emma grew wings. Did you think I forgot the Tuesdays? No.
Isaac was born on the 55th Tuesday. I won't lie, I did lose count. I've lost count of a lot of things, I have an excuse. It'll never be good enough, but I do have an excuse. However, I never forgot. I was wrapped up in counting down the days until I met my sweet Isaac, and then from there I was wrapped up in trying to adjust to the newness of everything and all of the other emotions that have came with having him here and safe and healthy.
I worked hard for him. I dredged through Hell for him. I grieved and prayed and sought out for him. I didn't labor for him but I had a hard time in OR mentally and a little glitch physically, and for all that, I know I worked hard. I worked my butt off at work and worked hard mentally to make it through his pregnancy, knowing, just knowing, I had just a big of a chance of him being born still as Emma did. That fear does not go away. I tried to ignore it but its not something that is easily dismissed. I don't have that innocence anymore and I never will. But I know for that experience, that I am stronger and that I appreciate life much more. For this child I prayed, and I was granted my prayer and greatest wish thus far. My only other prayer and wish is unanswerable. No matter how many times many people have prayed, God does not and will not bring people back from the dead anymore. With everything turn, turn, turn...
The leaves have turned. I am sitting in my kitchen at my kitchen table, typing away on my laptop, lapping up tomato basil soup with a PB sandwich and a P3 pack. The swing is squeaking away in the background, because I knocked one of the legs just a bit out to the side with the mop a few minutes ago. Isaac is relaxing in the padded seat all covered up with his blanky, sucking away at his paci. I am watching the leaves fall from the trees perched up behind our property on the hill. I had meant to visit Emma's grave several times over the last week, when our leaves peaked here, and it rained every single day I was able to. I would've went in the rain, but I wouldn't want to get Isaac out in the rain. Leaves are covering my back deck, and bird seed strewn everywhere on there as well because I have some very messy finch friends that eat from the bird feeders hanging on the posts. My back yard is covered with leaves. Most of the trees are naked already, but in the distance there are some stragglers, with yellow and orange leaves... my favorite. There's just enough breeze to detach a few leaves at a time and bring them to the ground. This is senseless jabber, but I love Autumn, and its too short, so I like to document it in my mind to remind me why we must endure a long hard winter, leading to a short spring, a not long enough summer, and a super quick, short lived fall.
When all the leaves are gone, I'll be counting down til Spring, Summer vacation, etc. I am excited to see the wonder in Shade's eyes this year, which means I MAY put up my Christmas decor earlier than I usually do. We shall see, though. I like to milk every last drop of fall that I can. I love the wonder that children see in the holidays, the excitement, etc. It is wonderful and I wish I had that innocence as well! I didn't get to experience that as a child and I want my children to be able to!
Isaac has a check up tomorrow, to see if he's picking up weight now that he's on formula. I hope that he has. His next appointment will be for 2 month shots in a couple weeks. Oh how I dread that. But at least he won't have any more appointments for awhile. He is so sweet and precious. My favorite thing about babies is, well, besides all their little details, noises, etc...is the fact that they are so innocent. They literally trust everyone with their life. If anyone wanted to hurt them, they could and they'd never know, never object. They trust us to take care of them and keep them safe, fed, warm, clean, etc. I think that is just precious and sweet.
I hope and pray he continues to be as happy and healthy as he has been, along with my sweet Shadey who is the sweetest big brother in the whole world. What I would give to see him with Emma again <3
xoxo
Tomorrow is the 61st Tuesday since Emma grew wings. Did you think I forgot the Tuesdays? No.
Isaac was born on the 55th Tuesday. I won't lie, I did lose count. I've lost count of a lot of things, I have an excuse. It'll never be good enough, but I do have an excuse. However, I never forgot. I was wrapped up in counting down the days until I met my sweet Isaac, and then from there I was wrapped up in trying to adjust to the newness of everything and all of the other emotions that have came with having him here and safe and healthy.
I worked hard for him. I dredged through Hell for him. I grieved and prayed and sought out for him. I didn't labor for him but I had a hard time in OR mentally and a little glitch physically, and for all that, I know I worked hard. I worked my butt off at work and worked hard mentally to make it through his pregnancy, knowing, just knowing, I had just a big of a chance of him being born still as Emma did. That fear does not go away. I tried to ignore it but its not something that is easily dismissed. I don't have that innocence anymore and I never will. But I know for that experience, that I am stronger and that I appreciate life much more. For this child I prayed, and I was granted my prayer and greatest wish thus far. My only other prayer and wish is unanswerable. No matter how many times many people have prayed, God does not and will not bring people back from the dead anymore. With everything turn, turn, turn...
The leaves have turned. I am sitting in my kitchen at my kitchen table, typing away on my laptop, lapping up tomato basil soup with a PB sandwich and a P3 pack. The swing is squeaking away in the background, because I knocked one of the legs just a bit out to the side with the mop a few minutes ago. Isaac is relaxing in the padded seat all covered up with his blanky, sucking away at his paci. I am watching the leaves fall from the trees perched up behind our property on the hill. I had meant to visit Emma's grave several times over the last week, when our leaves peaked here, and it rained every single day I was able to. I would've went in the rain, but I wouldn't want to get Isaac out in the rain. Leaves are covering my back deck, and bird seed strewn everywhere on there as well because I have some very messy finch friends that eat from the bird feeders hanging on the posts. My back yard is covered with leaves. Most of the trees are naked already, but in the distance there are some stragglers, with yellow and orange leaves... my favorite. There's just enough breeze to detach a few leaves at a time and bring them to the ground. This is senseless jabber, but I love Autumn, and its too short, so I like to document it in my mind to remind me why we must endure a long hard winter, leading to a short spring, a not long enough summer, and a super quick, short lived fall.
When all the leaves are gone, I'll be counting down til Spring, Summer vacation, etc. I am excited to see the wonder in Shade's eyes this year, which means I MAY put up my Christmas decor earlier than I usually do. We shall see, though. I like to milk every last drop of fall that I can. I love the wonder that children see in the holidays, the excitement, etc. It is wonderful and I wish I had that innocence as well! I didn't get to experience that as a child and I want my children to be able to!
Isaac has a check up tomorrow, to see if he's picking up weight now that he's on formula. I hope that he has. His next appointment will be for 2 month shots in a couple weeks. Oh how I dread that. But at least he won't have any more appointments for awhile. He is so sweet and precious. My favorite thing about babies is, well, besides all their little details, noises, etc...is the fact that they are so innocent. They literally trust everyone with their life. If anyone wanted to hurt them, they could and they'd never know, never object. They trust us to take care of them and keep them safe, fed, warm, clean, etc. I think that is just precious and sweet.
I hope and pray he continues to be as happy and healthy as he has been, along with my sweet Shadey who is the sweetest big brother in the whole world. What I would give to see him with Emma again <3
xoxo
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