O' Christmas Tree

It's the most wonderful time of year...

Unless you're a loss Mom/parent. Then it can be one of the most emotional, painful, triggering, and difficult times of year. The holidays are hard for anyone who's lost someone, I guess. It seems to be difficult because these are times where everything on the tv and the radio and in all the songs talk about family and everyone gathering around. But not for you, not for us. We're always missing someone. My tree is adorned with angels. Real and symbolic. 

 It's a tugging feeling when you're stepping around the side of the tree to string the lights, and you catch a glimpse of her sweet face on the canvas on the wall. When the Christmas music is playing and the cocoa is hot and your family is here and happy, you're picking out the ornaments for the tree, unboxing and unwrapping the precious breakable keepsake ornaments that you haven't seen in almost a whole year. Your heart swells as you see your precious newborn son on the sofa sleeping peacefully and your sweet 4 year old son "helping" you put the decorations on the tree. Your heart swells when you see the stockings on the mantle, missing one, because you haven't bought it for your newest addition. But it breaks because there's always going to be one that doesn't have anything in it. It'll never be rummaged through on Christmas morning by excited little hands. 

I always wanted a mantle. But I never dreamed that it would always have a stocking in memory of a child that I lost. 

Christmas last year was exponentially harder. I was numb still but I also had a mental breakdown on Christmas Eve. I forced myself to work.  That turned out bad. I work Christmas Day this year. Thankfully it's before I transition to day shift so I will at least be able to open presents with my boys before I go into work at 11. 

Our tree has more meaning than it ever has before. I got a live tree this year, because it was easier, and because I've always wanted one. Our pre lit tree will stay in storage. Maybe one day I'll have a home big enough to put all three up. A live one. The big pre lit and the small skinny tree. Goals. Lol. The ornaments are where the meaning is. The tree just holds them. Full of memoirs of my beautiful children. 

Christmas is more meaningful to me than it ever has been.  But for different reasons. I dread it. I still look forward to it but with a tinge of dread. I'll never get used to the fact that she should be here. We found out we were pregnant almost 2 years ago on Christmas Eve. It came at the most inopportune time. I had just been let go from my job, we had been trying to get pregnant for only a month. I surely didn't expect it to happen so fast. But it did. We told everyone on Christmas Eve as well.   We wasted no time. We were in shock and so excited. The loss of Emma took and does take a lot of excitement out of pregnancy. I remember the feeling when I found out I was pregnant with her vs finding out with Isaac. Finding out with her was excitement of the unknown. 3 years since I had known pregnancy. Surprise. With Isaac, it was terror, fear, guilt, and I was gunshy. I felt like I had won the fight of ttc. I felt like I had conquered a huge goal of mine after trying for 4 months. The fear with him was what mainly took over. I had won at least this part of life.  I hope a year or so from now maybe more, I can experience this again, the finding out I'm pregnant and maybe it won't be so rough. Maybe I won't feel so guilty. Maybe I won't be as scared. I want to have another girl and keep her here with me. I don't want to be so obsessed with ttc that I know literally the moment my egg drops and I'm pregnant. I want a little surprise. And I want a little girl to keep. That's my Christmas wish. Aside from keeping my boys here and healthy.  I want to give these boys a little sister they can protect here on earth while their sister in heaven protects them. 

Holidays mean long winded blogs. Hidden tears and forced smiles. There's true happiness for me but there's also a sadness nobody can understand and nobody will ever know that's what I'm feeling right at that moment. I'm grieving her right before your eyes but you don't even realize it. 

Be thankful if you can have a Christmas that isn't like the ones like me have. Don't take it that I'm not thankful and not blessed. Because I know I am. But that huge piece of me that's missing, is so big that it takes its toll. 

She is enough. 

Xoxo