The Birth of Isaac: Part I
It was my 30th birthday, September 21st, 2015.
All day, I had been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Picking up groceries, paying bills, packing bags. I had been slowly packing Isaac a hospital bag for 2 months. I didn't want to pack it. I knew that if I packed it, it would suffer the same fate as Emma's bag. Sitting in the floor, still fully packed and waiting on her, minus the outfit she was laid to rest in. I sat there in the weeks before and slowly pulled out some of the baby necessities she would never use. A couple newborn diapers, a pack of wipes, a baby health kit, and some lotion. They had all been sitting in her bag for a year. After her first birthday I was able to pull these things out and sit them in Isaac's bag in preparation for his arrival. I had picked out the outfits I wanted to put him in. Gowns, sleepers, hats, and mittens (that I didn't use because I read somewhere its better to leave their hands out because it is a means for them to soothe themselves as they had in the womb for the last however many months and of course my paranoid self took heed to this). That evening, I unpacked groceries for the week to come since we'd be home a lot, supplies, toiletries, etc. I didn't want us having to go to and from the store when we should be home.
Mom and Dad and Maggie had been here helping us clean off our porch just in case we had company over the next few weeks it would be more comfortable to enjoy a late summer evening on the porch instead of cooped up inside. Or just in case Isaac was jaundiced and needed to hang out on the porch for some sun. We worked up until dark, literally. Then I mingled inside to clean the house. I washed dishes, swept and mopped, folded laundry, and washed a load of clothing. I remember scrambling because I literally was such a mess that I couldn't find a nursing tank top that I had JUST laid down to wash. I finally found it in the crib in the boys' room. I even laid out Shade's clothes for the next morning, and for the morning after that for school and a change of clothes to change in to before he came to visit us, and an outfit laid out for him for the next day as he would be missing school again to come with Tommy to take us home that Thursday. As I was packing my bag, I remember thinking what all do I need to bring? Shouldn't I have done this way before...yes. I remember packing several pairs of yoga leggings. A loose t shirt. Two loose and comfortable cardigans. A nursing bra. Two nursing tanks (which were in the washer, along with one of my pairs of leggings) and one pair of underwear for the ride home since I figured I would be out of the granny mesh OB panties at that point. Overnight pads. Hair ties. Bobby pins. Headbands. Chapstick. And of course after I had a shower that night, all of my other stuff. I couldn't pack it til morning. After all, I was to show up in full makeup. I packed everything I could pack that evening that I wouldn't have to use in the morning. I had everything done I possibly could. We were all ready for bed, and my clothes for in the morning were laid out, as were everyone else's. It was almost midnight. Now, just to wind down enough to fall asleep. I settled in. Clean and smelling good and the boys were sound asleep, Isaac was kicking me from my belly and trying to make me pee on myself. He knew what was up. I looked through the camera roll of my Emma pics and kissed her picture goodnight. I slowly drifted off, for a couple hours anyway.
The alarm on my cell phone went off. It was 3 am. I first thought of the Matchbox 20 song, "3AM" but I wasn't lonley, lol. The boy were still sound asleep. I snoozed for about 15 more minutes. I then dragged myself into the bathroom and started on my makeup. I checked the dryer and in true old dryer fashion, the clothes in it were not dry. So, I put them back on to dry. I finished my makeup. My eyeliner was even on point. I thought, today must be going to be okay then, right? HA! My logic, lol. I skipped the extra lotion except on my feet and legs and arms that morning because I knew they'd yell at me if I was too lotiony, haha. But I wore the same lotion I was wearing when I had Emma. I put on a pair of yoga leggings, and a purple tank with a purply VS loose off the shoulder lounge tee. I had to wear purple, for Emma. I started to finish packing my bag. I plugged in my curling wand. At this point, it was about 4:30. Tommy was awake and stirring. I let him handle getting Shade dressed and ready. Shade insisted on packing some toys. I even had some toys in my bag to give him each time he came to the hospital. One to to open once we got to the room, and one to open once Isaac was born. One to open each time he visited thereafter. I tied them up in a walmart bag and hid them in my bag. I finished my hair and made sure everything else was packed. We started the exit, we were running late already, it was 5am already and we were supposed to be there at 5:30. we were just now getting out the door, at about 10 after 5. Everything was turned off, unplugged, and everything I needed was packed. We headed to the car and I pulled out of the driveway after waiting on Tommy to do something very OCD related inside for 5-6 minutes while Shade asked why we hadn't left yet, lol. Shade was half asleep and was back asleep by the time we got to Manchester. It was a super foggy drive and I had to watch diligently for deer on the side of the parkway.
We pulled in and got a front row parking spot. I walked in through the front door and on past the registration desk that was still closed for the night, and onto the employee elevator. I hit the number 3 and we waited. Shade loved the elevator in true Shade fashion. We went on up to OB, I used my badge to get into the unit. I met the girls with a smile and they directed me to 313 to go ahead and get undressed, into a gown, and have a seat, that they were a bit busy. I filled out some papers while Tommy and Shade got settled in our room. I went on in. I got Shade situated and I went into the bathroom. I closed the door and I took a deep breath. This time last year I was changing into a gown and I knew the baby in my belly was already dead. I remember crying and looking down wondering why this had happened to me. This time I could feel him bouncing around in there. I changed into my gown and folded my clothes up and went back out into the room. They made me change into a bair hugger gown which was horrible, its like being wrapped in cheap toilet paper. Haha. When I stepped out, I made sure the staff knew that I would be wearing my bracelets, and explained to them what they were. They asked and they said they should be able to make an exception in the OR. Tommy said someone had brought up the bag I had ordered from Jada that was monogrammed for me. Tommy asked if he should go ahead and go get our bags from the car, and I instructed him to please do that. I got Shade settled more in a chair with a table so that he could have some juice and a snack and play with his toys while we waited. It was after 6am at this point.
Tommy came back up with the bags, and I sat and switched all my stuff over into the new overnight bag and gave Shade his new toy for the morning and he sat and played with it until he was bored. One of the nurses came in at around 6:15 and hooked me up to the monitor, took my vitals, and got me registered. I could hear Isaac's heart chugging away on the monitor, which was very reassuring. I was freezing to death and there was NOTHING on the TV. I scrolled through facebook which proved to be very boring, nobody was awake. I was nervous. Finally maintenance came and fixed the air, it was negative 3 degrees in there. It was after 6:30 and neither my mom or Tommy's mom had made it there. I had told them to be there before 7, as surgery was supposed to start around then. Maggie showed up shortly after that. Mom finally texted that she was in town, and asked if Shade wanted her to bring some McDonald's breakfast and he said yes. By this time, he was angry that they didn't have any juice and snacks for him (even though he had just had some) and that Granny was taking too long and he was becoming a bit of a nuisance, and we were nervous anyway so it was not a good combination, haha. He finally chilled out. Then, at around 7am, the nurses started swarming in with trays and papers and tubing and bags of fluid. One nurse started poking my left arm where I suggested there was a good vein, but couldn't get the stick and blew my vein. In comes Kristina, and she finds one in my right forearm, not quite in the AC, thankfully, but in a really convenient spot and gets it first stick. They start asking me questions about this and that, just getting me admitted and ready to go. I told them I was extremely anxious and it was starting to get the best of me. Kristina starts my fluids and they are going in wide open. by 7:10 mom was almost there and everything was hooked up. In walks Chelsea with lab to stick me for labs. That was done and over with. by 7:20, they were starting my 2nd bag of fluids and they were packing me up to leave the room. my Mom had just got there, and I barely had time to say goodbye. The staff was super busy with a mom who had just delivered vaginally, and a super early baby who's mom was in labor and they were unable to stop it, so they were having to airlift her (we heard the chopper land before they came in to start my IV). So once they came in to start on me, it was like wham, bam, thank you ma'am. As they were hooking up the 2nd fluid bolus, they were unhooking me from the monitor, taking a last set of vitals, turning the brakes off the bed, and rolling me out. I kissed Shade and said goodbye to the others while Tommy walked down with us.
Here we go...out the doors of Labor & Delivery. Backing on to the employee elevator, staring at the PCU nurses station and trying not to flash back to a year and 20 days ago when I did the very same thing and the nurses and Morgan waved at me like "Yay! Good luck!" Not knowing Emma had already died. I remember force smiling and waving back anyway. this time I smiled for real. My nerves were in my throat. My heart was trying its best to get up and walk off. I had nothing to be nervous about. I JUST heard Isaac's heart beating on the monitor. I could feel him moving. We exited the elevator on the first floor and proceeded through the double doors into the corridor that led to the OR. I felt as if I would vomit. I kept remembering September 2nd, 2014 - when I was entering an OR I had never stepped foot in to delivery my unborn child who would never take a breath outside my womb for me. My PTSD was setting in majorly and there was nothing I could do about it. We entered the automatic doors through OR. Through one door, through the next door. I was met by all the staff of the OR and shortly after came Donna, reassuring me she was there. I was getting an OR cap on, and the CRNA (Jamie) spoke to me, as did some of the other staff. I was wheeled into the OR, and I scooted myself onto the OR table. It was freezing...I was about to shake off the bed between nerves and being cold. Tommy stayed out in the front to get gowned up. I was positioning myself on the table from the regular bed as they were counting instruments around me, getting supplies for my spinal block, and asking me a few questions. Andy was there for comic relief, and to let Jamie, who would be doing my spinal learn, she was shadowing him. I scooted my butt back into the right spot on the table for the CRNA to be able to assess my spine so that she could complete my spinal block. My legs were dangling off the side, and one of the OR Techs was in front of me with her arms around me helping me not to fall off the table. I noticed she was patting my back and rubbing my shoulder. She remembered what we did in here the last time. I heard the clinking of OR instruments and I heard Jamie getting her supplies ready and explaining that I would feel some cold wiping on my back while she cleaned the area for the spinal.
I buried my head into the tech's shoulder while she reassured me she was there and that everything would be okay. I have never met anyone much more compassionate. She was so sweet to me. I felt the cold wiping of the disinfectant and took a breath in. I couldn't see anything but the back of my eyelids which were against her shoulder.
Its really happening now...
To be continued.
All day, I had been running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Picking up groceries, paying bills, packing bags. I had been slowly packing Isaac a hospital bag for 2 months. I didn't want to pack it. I knew that if I packed it, it would suffer the same fate as Emma's bag. Sitting in the floor, still fully packed and waiting on her, minus the outfit she was laid to rest in. I sat there in the weeks before and slowly pulled out some of the baby necessities she would never use. A couple newborn diapers, a pack of wipes, a baby health kit, and some lotion. They had all been sitting in her bag for a year. After her first birthday I was able to pull these things out and sit them in Isaac's bag in preparation for his arrival. I had picked out the outfits I wanted to put him in. Gowns, sleepers, hats, and mittens (that I didn't use because I read somewhere its better to leave their hands out because it is a means for them to soothe themselves as they had in the womb for the last however many months and of course my paranoid self took heed to this). That evening, I unpacked groceries for the week to come since we'd be home a lot, supplies, toiletries, etc. I didn't want us having to go to and from the store when we should be home.
Mom and Dad and Maggie had been here helping us clean off our porch just in case we had company over the next few weeks it would be more comfortable to enjoy a late summer evening on the porch instead of cooped up inside. Or just in case Isaac was jaundiced and needed to hang out on the porch for some sun. We worked up until dark, literally. Then I mingled inside to clean the house. I washed dishes, swept and mopped, folded laundry, and washed a load of clothing. I remember scrambling because I literally was such a mess that I couldn't find a nursing tank top that I had JUST laid down to wash. I finally found it in the crib in the boys' room. I even laid out Shade's clothes for the next morning, and for the morning after that for school and a change of clothes to change in to before he came to visit us, and an outfit laid out for him for the next day as he would be missing school again to come with Tommy to take us home that Thursday. As I was packing my bag, I remember thinking what all do I need to bring? Shouldn't I have done this way before...yes. I remember packing several pairs of yoga leggings. A loose t shirt. Two loose and comfortable cardigans. A nursing bra. Two nursing tanks (which were in the washer, along with one of my pairs of leggings) and one pair of underwear for the ride home since I figured I would be out of the granny mesh OB panties at that point. Overnight pads. Hair ties. Bobby pins. Headbands. Chapstick. And of course after I had a shower that night, all of my other stuff. I couldn't pack it til morning. After all, I was to show up in full makeup. I packed everything I could pack that evening that I wouldn't have to use in the morning. I had everything done I possibly could. We were all ready for bed, and my clothes for in the morning were laid out, as were everyone else's. It was almost midnight. Now, just to wind down enough to fall asleep. I settled in. Clean and smelling good and the boys were sound asleep, Isaac was kicking me from my belly and trying to make me pee on myself. He knew what was up. I looked through the camera roll of my Emma pics and kissed her picture goodnight. I slowly drifted off, for a couple hours anyway.
The alarm on my cell phone went off. It was 3 am. I first thought of the Matchbox 20 song, "3AM" but I wasn't lonley, lol. The boy were still sound asleep. I snoozed for about 15 more minutes. I then dragged myself into the bathroom and started on my makeup. I checked the dryer and in true old dryer fashion, the clothes in it were not dry. So, I put them back on to dry. I finished my makeup. My eyeliner was even on point. I thought, today must be going to be okay then, right? HA! My logic, lol. I skipped the extra lotion except on my feet and legs and arms that morning because I knew they'd yell at me if I was too lotiony, haha. But I wore the same lotion I was wearing when I had Emma. I put on a pair of yoga leggings, and a purple tank with a purply VS loose off the shoulder lounge tee. I had to wear purple, for Emma. I started to finish packing my bag. I plugged in my curling wand. At this point, it was about 4:30. Tommy was awake and stirring. I let him handle getting Shade dressed and ready. Shade insisted on packing some toys. I even had some toys in my bag to give him each time he came to the hospital. One to to open once we got to the room, and one to open once Isaac was born. One to open each time he visited thereafter. I tied them up in a walmart bag and hid them in my bag. I finished my hair and made sure everything else was packed. We started the exit, we were running late already, it was 5am already and we were supposed to be there at 5:30. we were just now getting out the door, at about 10 after 5. Everything was turned off, unplugged, and everything I needed was packed. We headed to the car and I pulled out of the driveway after waiting on Tommy to do something very OCD related inside for 5-6 minutes while Shade asked why we hadn't left yet, lol. Shade was half asleep and was back asleep by the time we got to Manchester. It was a super foggy drive and I had to watch diligently for deer on the side of the parkway.
We pulled in and got a front row parking spot. I walked in through the front door and on past the registration desk that was still closed for the night, and onto the employee elevator. I hit the number 3 and we waited. Shade loved the elevator in true Shade fashion. We went on up to OB, I used my badge to get into the unit. I met the girls with a smile and they directed me to 313 to go ahead and get undressed, into a gown, and have a seat, that they were a bit busy. I filled out some papers while Tommy and Shade got settled in our room. I went on in. I got Shade situated and I went into the bathroom. I closed the door and I took a deep breath. This time last year I was changing into a gown and I knew the baby in my belly was already dead. I remember crying and looking down wondering why this had happened to me. This time I could feel him bouncing around in there. I changed into my gown and folded my clothes up and went back out into the room. They made me change into a bair hugger gown which was horrible, its like being wrapped in cheap toilet paper. Haha. When I stepped out, I made sure the staff knew that I would be wearing my bracelets, and explained to them what they were. They asked and they said they should be able to make an exception in the OR. Tommy said someone had brought up the bag I had ordered from Jada that was monogrammed for me. Tommy asked if he should go ahead and go get our bags from the car, and I instructed him to please do that. I got Shade settled more in a chair with a table so that he could have some juice and a snack and play with his toys while we waited. It was after 6am at this point.
Tommy came back up with the bags, and I sat and switched all my stuff over into the new overnight bag and gave Shade his new toy for the morning and he sat and played with it until he was bored. One of the nurses came in at around 6:15 and hooked me up to the monitor, took my vitals, and got me registered. I could hear Isaac's heart chugging away on the monitor, which was very reassuring. I was freezing to death and there was NOTHING on the TV. I scrolled through facebook which proved to be very boring, nobody was awake. I was nervous. Finally maintenance came and fixed the air, it was negative 3 degrees in there. It was after 6:30 and neither my mom or Tommy's mom had made it there. I had told them to be there before 7, as surgery was supposed to start around then. Maggie showed up shortly after that. Mom finally texted that she was in town, and asked if Shade wanted her to bring some McDonald's breakfast and he said yes. By this time, he was angry that they didn't have any juice and snacks for him (even though he had just had some) and that Granny was taking too long and he was becoming a bit of a nuisance, and we were nervous anyway so it was not a good combination, haha. He finally chilled out. Then, at around 7am, the nurses started swarming in with trays and papers and tubing and bags of fluid. One nurse started poking my left arm where I suggested there was a good vein, but couldn't get the stick and blew my vein. In comes Kristina, and she finds one in my right forearm, not quite in the AC, thankfully, but in a really convenient spot and gets it first stick. They start asking me questions about this and that, just getting me admitted and ready to go. I told them I was extremely anxious and it was starting to get the best of me. Kristina starts my fluids and they are going in wide open. by 7:10 mom was almost there and everything was hooked up. In walks Chelsea with lab to stick me for labs. That was done and over with. by 7:20, they were starting my 2nd bag of fluids and they were packing me up to leave the room. my Mom had just got there, and I barely had time to say goodbye. The staff was super busy with a mom who had just delivered vaginally, and a super early baby who's mom was in labor and they were unable to stop it, so they were having to airlift her (we heard the chopper land before they came in to start my IV). So once they came in to start on me, it was like wham, bam, thank you ma'am. As they were hooking up the 2nd fluid bolus, they were unhooking me from the monitor, taking a last set of vitals, turning the brakes off the bed, and rolling me out. I kissed Shade and said goodbye to the others while Tommy walked down with us.
Here we go...out the doors of Labor & Delivery. Backing on to the employee elevator, staring at the PCU nurses station and trying not to flash back to a year and 20 days ago when I did the very same thing and the nurses and Morgan waved at me like "Yay! Good luck!" Not knowing Emma had already died. I remember force smiling and waving back anyway. this time I smiled for real. My nerves were in my throat. My heart was trying its best to get up and walk off. I had nothing to be nervous about. I JUST heard Isaac's heart beating on the monitor. I could feel him moving. We exited the elevator on the first floor and proceeded through the double doors into the corridor that led to the OR. I felt as if I would vomit. I kept remembering September 2nd, 2014 - when I was entering an OR I had never stepped foot in to delivery my unborn child who would never take a breath outside my womb for me. My PTSD was setting in majorly and there was nothing I could do about it. We entered the automatic doors through OR. Through one door, through the next door. I was met by all the staff of the OR and shortly after came Donna, reassuring me she was there. I was getting an OR cap on, and the CRNA (Jamie) spoke to me, as did some of the other staff. I was wheeled into the OR, and I scooted myself onto the OR table. It was freezing...I was about to shake off the bed between nerves and being cold. Tommy stayed out in the front to get gowned up. I was positioning myself on the table from the regular bed as they were counting instruments around me, getting supplies for my spinal block, and asking me a few questions. Andy was there for comic relief, and to let Jamie, who would be doing my spinal learn, she was shadowing him. I scooted my butt back into the right spot on the table for the CRNA to be able to assess my spine so that she could complete my spinal block. My legs were dangling off the side, and one of the OR Techs was in front of me with her arms around me helping me not to fall off the table. I noticed she was patting my back and rubbing my shoulder. She remembered what we did in here the last time. I heard the clinking of OR instruments and I heard Jamie getting her supplies ready and explaining that I would feel some cold wiping on my back while she cleaned the area for the spinal.
I buried my head into the tech's shoulder while she reassured me she was there and that everything would be okay. I have never met anyone much more compassionate. She was so sweet to me. I felt the cold wiping of the disinfectant and took a breath in. I couldn't see anything but the back of my eyelids which were against her shoulder.
Its really happening now...
To be continued.
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