27/9; Still Born

I don't care how bad the situation is, the first time you meet your child, the first time you lay eyes on them...you are so proud. I don't care if the method is via c-section, vaginally, emergency situation, if the baby is alive, dead, or whisked away for resuscitation efforts. That first glance is something that you will never, ever forget. And your heart swells to unimaginable size, regardless. If you happen to be so unlucky as us, and your child isn't living when they make their entrance into the world, your emotions are hog-tied-- you want to be happy and overjoyed because, look at what you just created! But you can't. You are devastated. You are overjoyed. Your heart is caught in a virtual tug-of-war and it will eventually favor to one side or the other. Your heart is laying a few feet away on the floor being stomped by the evil monster named grief. Its like being on a bad acid-trip nightmare. The devil is literally standing in the corner of the room laughing with a vehement hostility, a chilling, evil laugh while he stares at you with his dark, empty, soulless eyes, forked tail and pitchfork in tow, stomping on your heart with blood splattering all over the wall. He is overjoyed that you are dying inside. You don't know which way is up. You can compare it to being a pilot, experiencing spatial disorientation. Where you are flying blind, no instruments, you can't see the horizon or the sun or the moon or the ground or the sky. Its all just fog and you don't know which way to steer your wheel. Because any direction you steer it could mean everything literally comes crashing down. So you cruise there, where you're at; in your safety zone...whether it be quietness, sobbing, blank stare. And you cruise there, til you can see a break of light. It might be soon, it might be later. But it will come. Then you finally make the decision to let it crash and burn.

I wanted to share a few photos of Emma that had never been shared with the public before. One is the first photo I posted. I never realized how much I liked this photo until tonight when I was searching for some photos to share on the blog. I have many photos of Emma that aren't shared with the public and I intend to stretch them out a long time, as I will never get any more of her. But I haven't shown anything new in a long time. This photo was taken by my sister-in-law, Angie. I was snuggling my girl tight, and hoping someone captured the moment inside my head. Luckily, someone did. I so wish NILMDTS could've came to my rescue!! I have irreplaceable memories, but I know I could've had even more.

This next photo is of me and Emma, in the operating room, on the operating table, in a very private, intimate moment, while I was being closed up. She had only been out for a few minutes. It was seconds after I saw her for the first time, when Tommy snapped this photo. It goes along with what I was saying before about the first time you lay eyes on your child. Through the sorrow and tears, I still was able to smile and be so happy to see this beautiful miracle that had been growing for so long in my tummy. You can even see my nail beds, pressed tightly against her body, holding her so close to me, and how much I obviously did not want to let go.

I can tell you this wholeheartedly, I am confused. What I would give to go back to this very moment. To hold her again, to see her in person, to meet her again for the first time...even though the whole situation was so bad. But I'm torn, because I don't want that fresh grief to come home to, I don't want that wound so freshly re-opened. Its easier when the wound has had at least a little time to heal. Its not like I can go back anyway, but I struggle with wanting to go back, but being scared to re-live that moment.

On a lighter note, I can tell you this also wholeheartedly...good makeup is worth it. See here, makeup applied at 11am or thereabouts; and this was no later than 5pm...that's 6 hours of wear in the hot late summer sun, crying, devastation, hugs, kisses, half of a surgery...and it still looks decent. I'm just playing though. No but really... good makeup is worth it. Lol. In other domesticated news, I finally got the house cleaned. I didn't finish the laundry, but the house is clean down to the toilet/sink and even the kitchen table. Just in time for me to go to work for 3 straight! Yay....not. At least my 10 page paper is finished and turned in. Whether or not it fails me, we shall see soon enough.

I believe she is with me. I dreamed the other night that I went in to have this baby, and it was a girl, with dark hair and chubby cheeks and 10 tiny fingers and 10 tiny toes!! Emma was in the dream, but I never saw her. She was apparently still in the NICU. The new baby was going to be cleaned up. So close, yet so far away. But it gave me hope that she was 'near' and watching over this whole thing. I had a friend tell me she dreamed of me having a dark haired baby girl who was of course beautiful. It makes me feel good when other people share their dreams about me and my situation. It makes me realize how many people Emma has touched, even if they never saw her. 

I share Emma's memory all the time. I am not afraid. I am not concerned with how it may make others feel, and I am not concerned with who it may make uncomfortable, or whether or not someone might think its 'taboo' or 'weird'. Because its not. Its no more weird than someone posting photos of their lucky day in L&D after their baby is delivered ALIVE. Just so happens, ours was not living. That makes her no less of a jewel to be shown off to everyone. Very obviously, overall, I am a very proud mommy to TWO beautiful babies, and hopefully 3 come 6-ish months from now. And I never plan to hide any of them. It makes me SO sad to see people hide their precious angels from the world. I know some people have their certain reasoning that makes sense to them, but I'll never fully understand it. I know it may be family issues for some people or whatever, but I say share those babies. Screw what people think. That is YOUR baby and you'd be showing it off if it were alive, what makes the fact they were not alive any different????? Don't be ashamed! You created and birthed a beautiful being! Be proud of it!! I would've posted photos of Emma that DAY, had it been only my decision, but I had to respect the wishes of another person in the process. If her photos make anyone, and I mean, ANYONE uncomfortable or whatever, I'm not sorry, and all I can say is suck it up buttercup or delete me, because I will never, ever stop. Nobody should. Nobody should hide it!!!! Bereavement photography has been around a LONG time before it ever became 'taboo' and used to be something that everyone did for babies and adults alike. It like many things including cloth diapering and breastfeeding, long since went out of style and came back in. When faced with something such as stillbirth or infant death where there are no other prior photographs, this is where it becomes important. Besides, everyone else gets to celebrate their LIVING babies' birth...why can't we??? Its unfortunate enough that we have to even experience this, but it needs to be publicized. People need to know that even with all these huge fancy medical advances, this still does happen and it happens way closer to home than anyone really realizes until they know someone it happens to. Just like when you get a new car and then everyone has one similar.

If I never do anything else better with my life, I will at least raise awareness for stillbirth. So many families go through this silently. I will keep our baby girl's memory alive, by mentioning her in conversation, by not being afraid to count her when someone asks me how many children I have. By sharing her photos with people. By proudly and loudly answering those questions including her, about my previous or current pregnancies/children/etc... I don't care if it makes other people sad or mad or depressed because guess what??? LIFE is sad sometimes. Life is full of grief. Life is full of depression. Not for everyone, but people need to know, these babies may have came into the world silently, but we won't be kept silent!

Here is a very fresh, just out of the oven, Emma

Born still....BUT STILL BORN.

I love and miss you so much baby girl, 27 Tuesdays later--- you're still my whole heart. The last Tuesday I breathe, you'll still be my whole heart. Me, daddy, and big brother Shadey love and miss you big as the sky. <3 <3
xoxo