Tuesday 26

For some reason the Tuesdays keep coming. I rolled over to my 8th week of pregnancy with this little rainbow blessing. 2 months down. 7 to go, since I'm only going 9 months this time. 

So many things take me back to early September. I look forward to the heat of the spring and summer. But at the same time I feel like it'll bring memories that are wanted but that sting like knives. When I drink Mello Yello... I remember all those days I sat on the couch with one in a plastic cup with ice and a straw. It was all I really wanted to do was sit and cover up and drink that and distract myself on Instagram or Twitter.  I had deleted Facebook for my own safety so I didn't have a lot to do. I was sore. Hurt. Devastated. Lost. I felt alone. I never felt alone with Emma. Even when my mind constantly goes back to that wedding in July... Of how alone I felt and unwanted there that day and annoyed I always remember I was not alone. I had one of the only people id ever need with me. My sweet girl. She never let me be alone. All my first days in ER when I was feeling stupid and in the way. She let me know I was not stupid. And that she was with me. All the time. With a little jab here and there. Hey mommy don't be scared, you'll do fine. 

Is it bad that I'm still jealous and bitter when people announce their pregnancies and new baby's births? When people post about their pregnancies unadultered-- like since they are 30 some odd weeks, it is inevitable that they will be bringing home a baby in the next couple months. They are past the point of danger. Haha. Right. I know better than that now. The ones that really bother me are the ones that don't seem thankful but rather boastful - like its some given right to be able to bring the baby you've carried so long home with you. No honey. It's a gift. Not a right. And when I'm talking about this I'm certainly not thinking of anyone in particular. And if it offends you if you're a person who's recently announced a pregnancy or had their baby... It's not about you. I swear. It's just the world. And just another way grief bares it's ugly teeth. In the form of bitterness and hate and jealousy and all things ill and mal. I get mad when they're not one of the 1 in 4. God knows I don't want anyone to be. But I also don't want it to be just me. I'm just like well isn't that nice. You got your little happily ever after. Of course there are other people who have lost. People who have kept quiet about their loss. Then I feel bad when something does happen to someone. Because I know how bad it hurts. I refuse to keep quiet about it. I will talk about it til my last breath. If I stop it means Emma's memory is no longer. And I will never let that happen as long as I'm around. If I'm the only one that constantly mentions her then so be it. Mommy will always back her baby girl up. 

Although I might be one of those people. Who says I will bring home a baby whatever in September. Again. I always make sure to add if everything goes well or hopefully or something similar. Because I cannot bring myself to be so sure of the future like everyone else is. Because I know better. 

I really do hope with every fiber of my being that we get to bring this baby home. Meet it at the end of September. Raise it to be a wonderful adult. Watch it and Shade grow up side by side. Maybe even give it another sibling here on earth. But it's always that 1 in 4 in the back of my mind. I know a ton of pregnant people. Will I be the 1 again? I was last time.  

On another note. I'm ready for spring. Long evenings. Colorful sunsets. Porch sitting. Warm rain. Green trees. Blossoming flowers. Planting my garden. Short sleeves and shorts. Sunglasses. Windows open. Fresh air. Air conditioner. Swimming. Cook outs. Road trips. Lemonade in a mason jar. Fireflies. Riverbank fishing. Hiking. Biking. Camping. All of it. Hit me with it!!!!! I'll even take the spring and summer thunderstorms !! 

Get out winter. Before I lose my mind. 

Our relationship is over and I don't care to even ever see you again! 

I had a decent road trip to Huntington yesterday with jessi and Kim. I spent a lot of time yapping. As per the usual. A garbage bag flew up under neath her vehicle and got stuck on the line shaft. Made an awful noise. On the way back it was a blizzard and I found out devastating news for my step nephew. And I ran upon a serious wreck in hazard. Drove around town looking at the flooding. Of course I had my awkward question about how many kids I have and what do I want this one to be and why question from a stranger. Lol. Used to it but yeah. Dad spent a lot of time in that area. I couldn't help but look out the back seat window and wonder what all kinds of memories he has from there. I'm sure he's led a much more exciting late 20s than I have and certainly less depressing. I felt decent for the first time in a couple weeks so that was nice. 

It's hard to fathom that I have to make a daily choice, well I have no choice. But to stay here with my earthly family. I can't go to Emma like I want to. I have to wait. My entire life. To see her again. Yes life is short. But it's so long when you're waiting out the entire thing to see someone again that literally is the missing piece to your heart. I guess this is where you have to find out how to make the most of life in the meantime like I figure she'd want me to. Yeah sure I have pictures. I have memoirs and souvenirs from her brief stay. But I don't have her. I can barely remember how her skin and soft dark hair felt on my fingertips already. I have all but forgotten her smell. It's only been 6 months. How much else will I forget in 40 years if I am blessed enough to live that long? 

I guess that's life. It's designed this way for a reason and finding out a way to make it through alive til the end is the whole challenge. 

Doesn't keep me from wanting to change things. At least for a moment. I wouldn't have this baby in my belly that I have now if not for how things went. I'm sure when/if I get to meet it and bring it home I will realize just how important that was and why. Or at least have a newfound appreciation for my struggle. 

26 Tuesdays. 

I miss you baby girl. 

---

Where are you and I'm so sorry
I cannot sleep I cannot dream tonight
I need somebody and always
This sick strange darkness
Comes creeping on so haunting every time
And as I stared I counted
The Webs from all the spiders
Catching things and eating their insides
Like indecision to call you
and hear your voice of treason
Will you come home and stop the pain tonight
Stop this pain tonight

Don't waste your time on me

You're already the voice inside my head.