28 Tuesdays Later
Remember the movie 28 Days Later? I'm sure you do. Sometimes I feel like a zombie.
I lied a little, about it being Tuesday. Its Friday. I worked Tuesday and Wednesday, which prevented me from blogging. And yesterday I was busy with homework and spending the day with Shade, and I also didn't feel too well.
Anyway, I may be going on a set schedule at work, and if all works out to the good on that, I'll be working every Tuesday. I don't have an opinion on that one way or another because it allows me more days off, but will really postpone my blogging. As long as I get to do it, that's all that matters.
I just want to make sure that I always take time out of my day ( I always do ) and week specifically to remember my baby girl and celebrate her life, though it may have been brief. And to try and appreciate this life I have been given after her as well.
It got warm for a few days and it was blissful. Its chilly and rainy now. And when its not raining, its cloudy. Its supposed to clear up and be nice tomorrow, but of course I work the weekend. I hope its a smooth weekend in the ER.
I am excited to get outside and plant some plants. Get some sun on my face. I went to sun tan city and got a spray tan and tanned and such the other day. Reminded me of when I would go when I was pregnant with baby girl, followed it with a visit to Brie's Brew's of course. Brie's Brews is on 4th street in London. If you haven't checked it out, you should. Also across the road, reminds me of her-- we frequented Local 133 cafe on the corner of 4th and 5th in London. Delicious place. We couldn't quite afford it at the time, but we did it anyway. It was such good times with the spring weather impending, short sleeves with hoodies, but taking the hoodies off at some point.. Sunroof up, windows cracked, sunglasses on... no socks! Just flip flops or slip ons. Anyhoo, every time I've been by there, it has been closed, lately. I was out there for an eye exam which is close by downtown, and of course they were closed yet again. I see no recent posts on their page since September. Which also triggers me, its like they disappeared after everything happened too. I hope they haven't closed :(
But, I have to get glasses. I have the frames picked out and all the bells and whistles on the lenses and they should be ready in a week or so. Welp, nevermind, they just called and Lindsey said they are ready! So I will go pick them up Tuesday after ACLS class. They are thinking they will help me reduce my migraines/headache issues.
My next half of my class this semester, of course, my first writing assignment was to take a health assessment survey...ha...and then write on what I am wanting to improve health-wise. Well, of course I have chosen to be more active. And I am going to act on it, honestly. it will only be better for me and baby peanut. I had actually been talking about how once the rain stops and it consistently warms up, I want to walk more.
The other day we went and tidied up Emma's grave, getting it ready for Spring. I need to get a few more things for her grave, but haven't had a chance to go to a dollar tree/dollar store, because truthfully they have the best little spring garden doo-dads. I think she would be proud at the job I/we do at keeping her resting place tidy and neat.
We bought a new loveseat for the porch which I am excited about because our old wicker chairs weren't cutting it. The new loveseat is awesome. Just can't wait for it to warm up enough to enjoy it all the time. We had our driveway grated off and some bigger/deeper ditches dug.
I took a picture the other day, of a rainbow sunset behind Emma's windchimes. The sun sets behind her chimes.
It kind of represents a few things. How this rainbow baby is such a big deal. But how Emma is always in the forefront of my mind. Always, strong and true, how they both exist so close together with each other. How I will always feel a connection between the two, even though they are separate beings.
My sweet boy doesn't get enough recognition. And that's my fault. He entertains and amazes me on a daily basis. Right now, he is wrapped up in a blanket, sitting at his little blue table which he has positioned in front of the fireplace, watching Hobby Kids on his iPad. Little does he know, its about to be iPad break time, and coloring/drawing time. He has intricately built a tower/castle for his angry bird pig to live behind and to knock down with a purple stuffed ball (an angry bird). He's been such a sweetheart these two days off. Randomly saying "I love you, mommy!" and hugging on me and kissing me. He's such a sweetie. And he knows exactly what this little baby's heart beat sounds like. He is so interested in all of it and talks about how it might be mean if it tries to take a bath with him. LOL. He has a silly imagination that's for sure. He has been drawing ghosts and werewolves on his little magnet drawing thing.
Baby was good at the appt this week- heart rate was 174. He or she (doc says he thinks SHE) was waving at me through the ultrasound. Likely not waving, but flipping me off like "can you NOT just leave me be in here? Gah, mom!" Forever pestering my babies. We go back April 15 to HOPEFULLY find out if this baby has a turtle or a clam, and for my regular appointment, I'll be 14 weeks 1 day, then. :P This little stinker seems to run in the mid-high 160s on my home fetal doppler. I am trying to get a feel of what's normal for him/her so that later on I can make sure things are okay. Especially before I can feel movement. We still have not scheduled the c-section, I am thinking we will do that once I see the MFM for my 20w scan which will be sometime in late May I think. & hopefully that'll all go well, and we'll have good news to bring to the beach with us this year. I declined the NT scan and the genetic testing. We have no history of it. Truthfully if there was something wrong with baby- it would not change my mind to carry to full term anyway. So we will rely on the anatomy scan and pray for everything to be in place, healthy, and moving along with no complications.
I found out its going to be probably Monday or Tuesday before I get my vehicle back from the shop. Gosh, I'm hoping Monday, because that way I don't have to drive to London in Nanny's Honda again, lol. Its decent but its so loud! The muffler is messed up on it. Of course I try not to complain. I've had it since Sunday, I'm ready for my vehicle to be done!!
Sometimes I forget just how beautiful my Emma Caroline was. I mean, I don't, but I have a few photos I frequently look at on my phone and online. Then I go back through her photos on my hard drive from the OR and on different people's cameras. And I can't believe how beautiful she was. Its like meeting her all over again. Which of course like I said if she looked like a foot, she'd still be beautiful in my eyes. I run upon a new photo every time I blog now, that I can't help but want to share with the world.
Just look at that!! That messy brown hair. Those sweet big baby lips and little nose! Whats not to love???? I know she sure would be a spoiled earthling. I would give anything to see her face awake, those blue (Im sure thats what color they were) eyes staring at me, her body not limp but toned with muscle and maybe even fighting to make me quit kissing on her :P To see her smile a toothless grin. Grip my finger with her whole hand. All the stuff people only normally take for granted with their living children.
I already can't wait to hold this little one. I have such high hopes that this experience will be different, but I already feel anxiety for that day. Like I will be reliving my Sept 2nd, 2014 experience all over again.
For Emma's birthday, I am going to have a balloon release and cake for close family/friends. I want to write messages on the balloons, and celebrate her life. She can't have an earthly birthday but I want to send messages for her in heaven. I send her messages every day, I talk to her all the time. But I do want something special, marking her date of birth, for us to celebrate, and I think a balloon release and cake would be perfect. Her 1st birthday/angelversary will be stressful enough, with me knowing I will deliver this baby 20 some odd days later if all goes well... but dealing with the should have beens...I hope to not psyche myself out for that day. I did that to myself on Christmas Eve this past year. It was the day I found out I was pregnant with her, and shared it with my family and friends. I dreaded it and dreaded it. Even scheduled myself to work that evening thinking it would distract me. No, it just made for a miserable, cold, depressing, horrible day. I even had a panic attack. I just really hope that at this day, I can brace myself, not dread it, but go into that day with a positive outlook on REMEMBERING her and CELEBRATING her, not grieving. I grieve every day. I want to celebrate on September 2, 2015.
xoxo
I lied a little, about it being Tuesday. Its Friday. I worked Tuesday and Wednesday, which prevented me from blogging. And yesterday I was busy with homework and spending the day with Shade, and I also didn't feel too well.
Anyway, I may be going on a set schedule at work, and if all works out to the good on that, I'll be working every Tuesday. I don't have an opinion on that one way or another because it allows me more days off, but will really postpone my blogging. As long as I get to do it, that's all that matters.
I just want to make sure that I always take time out of my day ( I always do ) and week specifically to remember my baby girl and celebrate her life, though it may have been brief. And to try and appreciate this life I have been given after her as well.
It got warm for a few days and it was blissful. Its chilly and rainy now. And when its not raining, its cloudy. Its supposed to clear up and be nice tomorrow, but of course I work the weekend. I hope its a smooth weekend in the ER.
I am excited to get outside and plant some plants. Get some sun on my face. I went to sun tan city and got a spray tan and tanned and such the other day. Reminded me of when I would go when I was pregnant with baby girl, followed it with a visit to Brie's Brew's of course. Brie's Brews is on 4th street in London. If you haven't checked it out, you should. Also across the road, reminds me of her-- we frequented Local 133 cafe on the corner of 4th and 5th in London. Delicious place. We couldn't quite afford it at the time, but we did it anyway. It was such good times with the spring weather impending, short sleeves with hoodies, but taking the hoodies off at some point.. Sunroof up, windows cracked, sunglasses on... no socks! Just flip flops or slip ons. Anyhoo, every time I've been by there, it has been closed, lately. I was out there for an eye exam which is close by downtown, and of course they were closed yet again. I see no recent posts on their page since September. Which also triggers me, its like they disappeared after everything happened too. I hope they haven't closed :(
But, I have to get glasses. I have the frames picked out and all the bells and whistles on the lenses and they should be ready in a week or so. Welp, nevermind, they just called and Lindsey said they are ready! So I will go pick them up Tuesday after ACLS class. They are thinking they will help me reduce my migraines/headache issues.
My next half of my class this semester, of course, my first writing assignment was to take a health assessment survey...ha...and then write on what I am wanting to improve health-wise. Well, of course I have chosen to be more active. And I am going to act on it, honestly. it will only be better for me and baby peanut. I had actually been talking about how once the rain stops and it consistently warms up, I want to walk more.
The other day we went and tidied up Emma's grave, getting it ready for Spring. I need to get a few more things for her grave, but haven't had a chance to go to a dollar tree/dollar store, because truthfully they have the best little spring garden doo-dads. I think she would be proud at the job I/we do at keeping her resting place tidy and neat.
We bought a new loveseat for the porch which I am excited about because our old wicker chairs weren't cutting it. The new loveseat is awesome. Just can't wait for it to warm up enough to enjoy it all the time. We had our driveway grated off and some bigger/deeper ditches dug.
I took a picture the other day, of a rainbow sunset behind Emma's windchimes. The sun sets behind her chimes.
My sweet boy doesn't get enough recognition. And that's my fault. He entertains and amazes me on a daily basis. Right now, he is wrapped up in a blanket, sitting at his little blue table which he has positioned in front of the fireplace, watching Hobby Kids on his iPad. Little does he know, its about to be iPad break time, and coloring/drawing time. He has intricately built a tower/castle for his angry bird pig to live behind and to knock down with a purple stuffed ball (an angry bird). He's been such a sweetheart these two days off. Randomly saying "I love you, mommy!" and hugging on me and kissing me. He's such a sweetie. And he knows exactly what this little baby's heart beat sounds like. He is so interested in all of it and talks about how it might be mean if it tries to take a bath with him. LOL. He has a silly imagination that's for sure. He has been drawing ghosts and werewolves on his little magnet drawing thing.
Baby was good at the appt this week- heart rate was 174. He or she (doc says he thinks SHE) was waving at me through the ultrasound. Likely not waving, but flipping me off like "can you NOT just leave me be in here? Gah, mom!" Forever pestering my babies. We go back April 15 to HOPEFULLY find out if this baby has a turtle or a clam, and for my regular appointment, I'll be 14 weeks 1 day, then. :P This little stinker seems to run in the mid-high 160s on my home fetal doppler. I am trying to get a feel of what's normal for him/her so that later on I can make sure things are okay. Especially before I can feel movement. We still have not scheduled the c-section, I am thinking we will do that once I see the MFM for my 20w scan which will be sometime in late May I think. & hopefully that'll all go well, and we'll have good news to bring to the beach with us this year. I declined the NT scan and the genetic testing. We have no history of it. Truthfully if there was something wrong with baby- it would not change my mind to carry to full term anyway. So we will rely on the anatomy scan and pray for everything to be in place, healthy, and moving along with no complications.
I found out its going to be probably Monday or Tuesday before I get my vehicle back from the shop. Gosh, I'm hoping Monday, because that way I don't have to drive to London in Nanny's Honda again, lol. Its decent but its so loud! The muffler is messed up on it. Of course I try not to complain. I've had it since Sunday, I'm ready for my vehicle to be done!!
I already can't wait to hold this little one. I have such high hopes that this experience will be different, but I already feel anxiety for that day. Like I will be reliving my Sept 2nd, 2014 experience all over again.
For Emma's birthday, I am going to have a balloon release and cake for close family/friends. I want to write messages on the balloons, and celebrate her life. She can't have an earthly birthday but I want to send messages for her in heaven. I send her messages every day, I talk to her all the time. But I do want something special, marking her date of birth, for us to celebrate, and I think a balloon release and cake would be perfect. Her 1st birthday/angelversary will be stressful enough, with me knowing I will deliver this baby 20 some odd days later if all goes well... but dealing with the should have beens...I hope to not psyche myself out for that day. I did that to myself on Christmas Eve this past year. It was the day I found out I was pregnant with her, and shared it with my family and friends. I dreaded it and dreaded it. Even scheduled myself to work that evening thinking it would distract me. No, it just made for a miserable, cold, depressing, horrible day. I even had a panic attack. I just really hope that at this day, I can brace myself, not dread it, but go into that day with a positive outlook on REMEMBERING her and CELEBRATING her, not grieving. I grieve every day. I want to celebrate on September 2, 2015.
xoxo
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