Catch/Tuesday 22

Life has a way of being a catch 22 all the time. You cannot have one thing without another, and to be able to have one thing, is to lose another, or not need it at all.

Life teeters on the fine line of a catch 22 and a double edged sword. Everything is divided.

If you've ever lost someone, and this does not just apply to a child, but anyone in general. Or a lot of things that aren't necessarily death. But life tends to fall into the "before this happened" and "after this happened". I am constantly comparing the timeline of my life to whether or not I was pregnant with Emma, or after she had came and passed, or before I was pregnant with her, or how it related to her in time frame. I still do it.

Yesterday made 5 months. How does time fly, yet creep so slow. Imagine her being here at 5 months old. It would be hard to believe. It feels like so long ago, yet it feels like yesterday. I have a hard time moving further and further away from September 2nd. But I am nearing that point where I will be only getting closer and closer to September 2nd again. Once September 2nd 2015 comes around, I will again begin to move further away from it.

They say that grief cannot exist without love. That grief is the highest form of love. They are right when they say this. Whoever "they" is. Emma finds ways every day to let me know that Tuesdays will be okay. It breaks my heart and warms it at the same time (having dejavu, so I am sure I have said this many times) when Shade talks about her so endearingly, when he gets excited about certain things, it just shows me that he has not forgotten. I will not let him forget her. I hope that when I show him the photo of him holding her and smiling that he loved her so much, he will always remember what it felt like to hold her and to love her in real time.

I got up yesterday morning and walked into the kitchen to get something early in the morning, and Emma's wind chimes were going crazy. Her 5 months, its only appropriate that her chimes would be singing to me as a good morning. I sure wish it was different, that she was cooing at me in her bassinet at 5 months. I guess we are not allowed to turn back time for a reason, though. All things in due time. I don't like saying things happen for a reason because I cannot fathom any one good reason that she should not be here now.

This semester's workload has been ridiculous. Just this week, we had 2 discussion board responses, 2 discussion board assignments, and one 3 page APA style essay exam due. I did everything early because of course I work 4 days in a row starting Thursday. I am not a fan of this whole overloading on the work thing. I have however, gotten better at bs'ing my way through papers/assignments. Yes it has taken me almost 4 whole semesters of the Bachelor's in Nursing to figure out how to do APA, and mediocre at that...haha. Laugh all you want. I'm almost done!!

Its supposed to be 50+ degrees tomorrow. All my homework is done. I am behind on pictures still, but I am currently working on it. I am glad that I've not taken on any extra photography assignments because I would never get them done, with this semester's workload. Ugh. I wish I had the balls to work AHEAD. I love hanging out with my family too much. I have LITERALLY worked off and on from like 11:30am til now on these 4 assignments. Anyway, I started out talking about weather to say that if it is indeed that warm, I may just take my boy to the park. He hasn't been outside in forever, and neither have I. Its my last day off and we could all use a snack and a park date. The rest of the day will be devoted to laziness and laundry.

There are some things that happen in this world that can ONLY be chalked up to a 'sign' from a loved one passed on or just a sign in general. They are too coincidental and too dang freaky to be anything else. I choose to think that most of my signs are from Emma. Its too close not to be. You'd just have to be in my brain and see through my eyes. I'll take it though. I obviously don't have her here so to be able to feel her/communicate to her by any means possible...I won't complain.

Love and miss our baby girl so much. She crowds my every thought, every day <3
xoxo