23 Tuesdays
I remember 23 Tuesdays ago, I was hustling about, getting myself ready, getting Shade ready, washing some last minute laundry and making sure the finishing touches were on the changing table and the bassinet and Emma's hospital bag. Little dainty bows in a zip up VS bag. A baby health kit, several gowns, a pack of wipes, a few newborn diapers, and a sweet little coming home outfit. That bag still sits on the changing table. And it will sit there until my next child is due to enter the world. If that next child is not a girl, then the bag will still sit, untouched as it is. Somewhere it cannot be harmed. It will not be moved until another baby girl can enjoy its amenities. Even if that is 23948 years from now.{Emma's windchimes just sang a quick, short, song... sometimes I like to think that is her laughing at me for thinking ridiculousness}.
Shade and I had been taking a shower (yes, Shade sometimes takes showers with me, lol) and he had been rubbing soap on my belly (Baby Emma) and talking of the things he planned on doing, since he knew this appointment today would be the one where we knew 'for sure' when we would be going to have her. We were both secretly praying I had dilated enough to be admitted and today would be the day. Today would definitely be the day, but not quite as we had imagined it. He was talking about changing her diaper, feeding her a bottle, bathing her, cradling her and stroking her dark hair that we just knew she would have, and showing her his toys and taking her places along with us on our road trips we would so happen to have to share after the beginning of September 2014. I was enjoying the last few days with my boy being my only child and having that all too familiar internal struggle of "How in the world can I love someone else as much as I love Shade?" but excitement that I was about to meet this little ball of energy I had been packing around 3 days shy of 10 months. The one who would only let me eat a few bites of ice before she got the hiccups. Her habits of sleeping well into the day and then letting her hair down say around, 7pm until midnight when she knew it was nearing mommy's bed time. The one who would only let me eat a few bites of anything before she was like okay time to stop, I am running out of breathing room! But she sure would let me eat my weight in pineapples and drink my weight in mello yello.
I don't have to tell the rest of the story right now. But you know how it went. Our world came crashing down on us only a few hours later. Now, we live for what ifs, if onlys, and a gun-shy life, afraid to be anticipative or happy about whats to possibly come in the future.
Many people have miscarriages, and are so nervous up until they pass the milestone that they lost their previous baby at. I will never carry past 39 weeks and 4 days. My next child, I will carry to 37, 38 weeks at the most. There's no safe zone for some of us. There's no milestone to pass, for our nerves to settle out. The only milestone is hearing a crying baby once the cord is cut. Not silence and the sound of tears streaming down cheeks and hitting the impervious material of OR drapes, not whispers of the OR team as they worked diligently to finish up without further upsetting me. Fogged up goggles and teary eyes. Not silent babies wrapped tightly in hospital receiving blankets who never cried their first cry but felt so alive and so warm, just not quite as pink as you'd like them to be. Not having to hide tears of sorrow (not tears of joy) while your entire heart is being ripped out of your chest cavity and stomped on with steel cleats.
There's one thing that was no different at 4:51pm on Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014; love. The love I felt for the first time my eyes saw my child's face after carrying her for that long. I felt the same breathtaking love that makes your heart explode, even though I knew this was my first and last hello.
Just the other day, I purchased and received a new iPhone 6+. It was this Monday. Also several days before hand, I had purchased a ceramic angel for her grave site. I had no idea when it was expected to come, and since it was from Ebay I expected sometime later this week. However, when I went down the hill, to drive up the road to get more signal so my phone could activate over the edge network, Shade and I said we may go visit Emma's grave. When I opened the mailbox, there it was, the box with her angel in it. That sealed the deal, we were going. It was a good thing we did, as the wind from a day or so ago had really torn things up. Her grave was a mess but we fixed it back up. And we added the angel to her grave and now hopefully things are in order for all this snow that is falling today. I would love to see what her grave blanket looks like covered in snow.
People say they don't know how I do it. Truth is, I don't know how I do it. I know that life has dealt me this hand. I cannot change it, no matter how hard I've tried, no matter how many tears I let loose. Love, prayers, faith, and hope have kept me afloat this long. Don't think I haven't sank eyes below water. Because I have. By the grace of God I was pulled back up. And for that I think I must be meant for something more. That we must have good things coming to us. That life is not over... that if I have been allowed to make it this long, through this much, that there must be something waiting. Emma must have big plans for us. I truly believe, she knows my heart the best, the most, her and God, know it from the inside out and is on the same team as him, contemplating what might be next for the ones she loves. Otherwise, without this faith, I would not be here any longer. I would have already left.
I had a hard time completely erasing my Galaxy phone. It held all the photos that were taken from it of her. Not like I don't have them on 3258 other devices and backup sources. But they were taken with that phone. I spent a lot of time on that phone after the fact, distracting myself from reality. Just yet another thing that I had to let go of that I had while she was with me. I know there were conversations from us, when everything happened. When I broke the news to several people. I backed them up on Verizon cloud but cannot transfer them to my new phone. As long as I have access to them, I am okay with that. There may be one day when I want to re-read that moment. When it becomes a distant memory.
My heart still breaks and my faith is still shaken on a daily basis. Every time I see her face, every time I think of her and how senseless this all is. I still ask for her to come back to me, for her to come visit me in my dreams. She has not came to visit me in my dreams yet but I believe she has when I'm awake. I know that's a strange subject for some. But for me, I feel it. I have felt it. For me, it is real. And I choose to believe it. I see signs from her all the time. Whether its my mind playing tricks on me or her, I don't care. I will take small visits from her in spirit.
This blog was typed on Thursday, January 12. 2015. My work scheduled prevented me from blogging on a Tuesday like normal, I will not let that happen again.
Love and miss you so very much baby girl. What I wouldn't give to hold you and feel your soft skin again. To run my fingers through your hair and kiss your cheek. Feel what it might have felt like when you wrapped your hand around my index finger from reflex. To tickle those little feet. Missing you like always, like springtime and sunshine <3
xoxo
Shade and I had been taking a shower (yes, Shade sometimes takes showers with me, lol) and he had been rubbing soap on my belly (Baby Emma) and talking of the things he planned on doing, since he knew this appointment today would be the one where we knew 'for sure' when we would be going to have her. We were both secretly praying I had dilated enough to be admitted and today would be the day. Today would definitely be the day, but not quite as we had imagined it. He was talking about changing her diaper, feeding her a bottle, bathing her, cradling her and stroking her dark hair that we just knew she would have, and showing her his toys and taking her places along with us on our road trips we would so happen to have to share after the beginning of September 2014. I was enjoying the last few days with my boy being my only child and having that all too familiar internal struggle of "How in the world can I love someone else as much as I love Shade?" but excitement that I was about to meet this little ball of energy I had been packing around 3 days shy of 10 months. The one who would only let me eat a few bites of ice before she got the hiccups. Her habits of sleeping well into the day and then letting her hair down say around, 7pm until midnight when she knew it was nearing mommy's bed time. The one who would only let me eat a few bites of anything before she was like okay time to stop, I am running out of breathing room! But she sure would let me eat my weight in pineapples and drink my weight in mello yello.
I don't have to tell the rest of the story right now. But you know how it went. Our world came crashing down on us only a few hours later. Now, we live for what ifs, if onlys, and a gun-shy life, afraid to be anticipative or happy about whats to possibly come in the future.
Many people have miscarriages, and are so nervous up until they pass the milestone that they lost their previous baby at. I will never carry past 39 weeks and 4 days. My next child, I will carry to 37, 38 weeks at the most. There's no safe zone for some of us. There's no milestone to pass, for our nerves to settle out. The only milestone is hearing a crying baby once the cord is cut. Not silence and the sound of tears streaming down cheeks and hitting the impervious material of OR drapes, not whispers of the OR team as they worked diligently to finish up without further upsetting me. Fogged up goggles and teary eyes. Not silent babies wrapped tightly in hospital receiving blankets who never cried their first cry but felt so alive and so warm, just not quite as pink as you'd like them to be. Not having to hide tears of sorrow (not tears of joy) while your entire heart is being ripped out of your chest cavity and stomped on with steel cleats.
There's one thing that was no different at 4:51pm on Tuesday, September 2nd, 2014; love. The love I felt for the first time my eyes saw my child's face after carrying her for that long. I felt the same breathtaking love that makes your heart explode, even though I knew this was my first and last hello.
Just the other day, I purchased and received a new iPhone 6+. It was this Monday. Also several days before hand, I had purchased a ceramic angel for her grave site. I had no idea when it was expected to come, and since it was from Ebay I expected sometime later this week. However, when I went down the hill, to drive up the road to get more signal so my phone could activate over the edge network, Shade and I said we may go visit Emma's grave. When I opened the mailbox, there it was, the box with her angel in it. That sealed the deal, we were going. It was a good thing we did, as the wind from a day or so ago had really torn things up. Her grave was a mess but we fixed it back up. And we added the angel to her grave and now hopefully things are in order for all this snow that is falling today. I would love to see what her grave blanket looks like covered in snow.
People say they don't know how I do it. Truth is, I don't know how I do it. I know that life has dealt me this hand. I cannot change it, no matter how hard I've tried, no matter how many tears I let loose. Love, prayers, faith, and hope have kept me afloat this long. Don't think I haven't sank eyes below water. Because I have. By the grace of God I was pulled back up. And for that I think I must be meant for something more. That we must have good things coming to us. That life is not over... that if I have been allowed to make it this long, through this much, that there must be something waiting. Emma must have big plans for us. I truly believe, she knows my heart the best, the most, her and God, know it from the inside out and is on the same team as him, contemplating what might be next for the ones she loves. Otherwise, without this faith, I would not be here any longer. I would have already left.
I had a hard time completely erasing my Galaxy phone. It held all the photos that were taken from it of her. Not like I don't have them on 3258 other devices and backup sources. But they were taken with that phone. I spent a lot of time on that phone after the fact, distracting myself from reality. Just yet another thing that I had to let go of that I had while she was with me. I know there were conversations from us, when everything happened. When I broke the news to several people. I backed them up on Verizon cloud but cannot transfer them to my new phone. As long as I have access to them, I am okay with that. There may be one day when I want to re-read that moment. When it becomes a distant memory.
My heart still breaks and my faith is still shaken on a daily basis. Every time I see her face, every time I think of her and how senseless this all is. I still ask for her to come back to me, for her to come visit me in my dreams. She has not came to visit me in my dreams yet but I believe she has when I'm awake. I know that's a strange subject for some. But for me, I feel it. I have felt it. For me, it is real. And I choose to believe it. I see signs from her all the time. Whether its my mind playing tricks on me or her, I don't care. I will take small visits from her in spirit.
This blog was typed on Thursday, January 12. 2015. My work scheduled prevented me from blogging on a Tuesday like normal, I will not let that happen again.
Love and miss you so very much baby girl. What I wouldn't give to hold you and feel your soft skin again. To run my fingers through your hair and kiss your cheek. Feel what it might have felt like when you wrapped your hand around my index finger from reflex. To tickle those little feet. Missing you like always, like springtime and sunshine <3
xoxo
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