Quarter Tuesday (25)
25 Tuesdays ago, I was sitting in the exact same waiting room, only an hour or so difference in time of the day, as to where I was this Tuesday. Much different situation. But of course, like true ironic grief fashion goes, I had to of course be there in that exact same spot. On a Tuesday. Of all days. I know I can't stop Tuesdays and I can't avoid the world on Tuesdays, but ya know, you'd think things would be on other days. Anyway, that waiting room was the very last place I held hope that Emma would be coming alive and not dead. I knew in my heart I was wrong. But my head was saying, no, this is a fluke, the radiologist will see a heart beat. Those 4 still chambers were just a trick that tricked me and Dr. Sink. I knew better. But that bench turned toward the coffee machine, staring down the hall to lab and the back way around to radiology, was the last place, that I held out hope for a true miracle that I really knew would never come. This time, though, I was just there for routine first prenatal lab workup. I waited for about 20 minutes. Too long to be in that room. Sometimes that room brings me comfort, rarely, but sometimes. The other 9/10 times I go back to September 2nd. That was the last few moments I had before my world crashed down, I guess, before I had the one true final word, before I made the decision to deliver her by c-section, before I entered the world of a bereaved parent. Before life for real changed forever. My sweet baby girl was still in her womb, in her bag of water, protected by the outside world. Soon after she would be out in this harsh air, warm as I was, only to later cool too much.
Unfortunately, grief does strange things to people. Instead of being able to be happy for most people, I am instead....jealous. Yes, jealous. The green eyed monster takes hold of me quite frequently, and I do hate it. Yes, I am pregnant again with my rainbow baby and as I have heard, "lightning rarely strikes twice" (although I have definitely seen instances where it has) and I have hope that this pregnancy will end much differently and hopefully with a happy healthy baby that we can take home and raise into an adult who will unfortunately lose its parents at a very old age, warm and wrinkly. And I should be happy. But I can't help but be jealous. Jealous when people post pregnancy announcements. Jealous when people have healthy, living, breathing babies. Bitter that they get to take them home. Mad because they will never know what I know. I am 1 in 4 again. Someone is. I just always know it won't be anyone I know, because it never is. Its been me. Will it be me again? Will I be 1 in 4 again? My risk is the same as anyone else's but I know it too well. It prevents me from being 100% happy from anyone with their "Oh I'm 12 weeks I'm safe" and their "I can't wait til I get to the viability stage at 24 weeks", and their carefree, worry free pregnancies filled with smiles and days of not knowing their baby could just die randomly one night while they're asleep. You are the corpse carrier. You have carried death within you. I've been beside a ton of people when they died. But only one was inside my person when they died. That one was obviously the worst. I am happy for people. But I am jealous because they don't have to know what I know and they don't have to worry about it. I see people and their perfect little families and I am jealous that they don't know this loss like I do. Jealous I'm not the normal one who doesn't know grief. I should be going to the beach this year with my 9 month old baby girl and 4 year old boy. Not my 4 year old boy and my 20 some week pregnant self, again.... its like dejavu. How nice it must be not to know this pain. Count yourself eternally lucky that you do not personally know this pain. This loss chases me around constantly. Its consuming sometimes. Of course I wouldn't change meeting Emma in any way, I am glad to have gotten to meet her. Of course I would want to change it and for things to have went the way I think they should've.
I know Emma lives on though. In this world, and I hope it continues to be that way until I meet her again. Just today Brit got her heart from Hope's Healing Hearts, and coincidentally ( I consider it a sign ) it was able to be shipped by a donation that I had made a while back in memory of Emma. It was just yet another sign to know that my baby girl would have and is doing big things even though she is not here.
Baby peanut #3 checked out well yesterday. FHR was 148 and little arm buds could be seen. I feel so much like I did when I was pregnant with Emma that it takes me straight back and I have frequent, crippling dejavu sometimes. I hope that means girl. Of course, I'll take healthy take home, but of course how could I not want a possible 2nd chance at having a girl here earth side. I couldn't think of anyone more worthy to use Emma's things than a little sister picked especially by her. I go back in 3 weeks so that I will be on an even schedule. I'll be 10 weeks by then. Hopefully this crud feeling will ease up soon. By crud I mean I walk a thin line (haha Michelle) between nausea and starvation. No, I don't vomit, but I feel like I will in the next little while, all the time, while starving. I only want certain things and it is usually certain things we definitely do NOT have in the house. Luckily I have a wonderful hubby, and while I was rattling off a random list of things I thought I wanted at the time, he brought those things home (Cheese cubes, sherbet, and gourmet pizza)...now I want a good steak dinner. Maybe we will treat each other to that this weekend :)
I have so much homework its not funny. I am barely staying afloat. I got some good resources from my clinical facilitator this evening that I think should give me a good start on my 8-10 page paper for the end of this 8 week course for NSC442. And it will give me basically all I need for my clinical presentation as well. If I can just put it all together I will be doing good. I will be so thankful to have this semester over with. I am not looking forward to the summer when I have statistics AND a small 8 week course of assessment, but at least after that I can say GOODBYE forever to the BSN. It has been one bad luck/bad thing after another with this thing. If I scrape by with a decent grade I'll be glad.
Its supposed to snow more tonight/tomorrow. I am ready for a break with that. We've had soo much snow, ice, wind, etc I know the graveyard is in bad shape but hopefully this weekend we can go take care of that rain or shine. It has to be addressed, I can't take knowing it could look like crap and half of her decorations are blown over the hill or off her grave. Ugh. I hate winter. Go. AWAY. I just need sun on my skin, the porch to be cleaned off, spring/summer wardrobe in my closet and not in storage, porch sitting, lemonade, and normal life...not this cold winter crap. I hate not being able to go and do as I please. I want to be able to go walk the track, take Shade to the park, not be stuck because of snow and ice and have to stay in the motel for 3 nights near work just so I can get to work.
Speaking of motels, I actually didn't HATE staying in the motel. I like staying in motels. I have NO idea why. I guess because I don't have to clean and do dishes and laundry? LOL. But the beds are usually comfortable (or well the ones I stay in are) and they have light filtering curtains. I need to buy some of those for the bedroom. WHY I haven't already is beyond me.
Also speaking of good beds, I was glad to be back in mine. I have this first trimester intractable fatigue thing going on right now. And I remember the bed at the beach house last year not being that great because it was a queen and we fit in it decently, however it was a crappy spring mattress and I woke up every morning (could only sleep on my left side anyway) with my left hip numb? Gah. Hope that doesn't happen again this time, lol.
I need to get my vehicle fixed. I have the money to do it, and I have emailed the body shop the adjustment, but for some reason they haven't gotten back with me. I also have already spoken to someone about fixing the driveway thank GOD. Hopefully that is soon in the works along with guttering the back of the house, ditching behind the house again (well, completing what needed to be done), resewing the grass in the front yard, flower planting, and putting the 12x12s under the bottom of the porch to secure them. And grilling out. I'm ready for that to. I can't even deal with how much I need spring/summer to be here. CANT EVEN.
Shade is back to his sweet self again for the most part with no fit throwing every day. He sleeps til 10-11am if not woken up normally and doesn't take naps anymore. He will if we drive somewhere for an extended period of time, or if we get up early. But he's pretty much nap-free :\ Which is fine, because he self-maintains and sometimes I can snooze on my own if he's playing and we sleep late enough that a nap isn't needed. Who am I kidding... I could nap all day.
He is such a blessing, he keeps me on my toes and says the sweetest things <3 I wish my sweet Emma was here for him to take care of and to play with. He has so much love to give to a sibling. Life is weird, and when I was an older sibling I didn't realize how much love I was putting into my parents' hearts by just EXISTING, just existing with Brady and playing like we normally did. I know they sat back with a swollen heart and pride just watching us. I was just hanging out. Now I know what was really going on and I can't wait to experience it because this is my life now.
Miss you bigger than the sky, baby girl <3
xoxo
Unfortunately, grief does strange things to people. Instead of being able to be happy for most people, I am instead....jealous. Yes, jealous. The green eyed monster takes hold of me quite frequently, and I do hate it. Yes, I am pregnant again with my rainbow baby and as I have heard, "lightning rarely strikes twice" (although I have definitely seen instances where it has) and I have hope that this pregnancy will end much differently and hopefully with a happy healthy baby that we can take home and raise into an adult who will unfortunately lose its parents at a very old age, warm and wrinkly. And I should be happy. But I can't help but be jealous. Jealous when people post pregnancy announcements. Jealous when people have healthy, living, breathing babies. Bitter that they get to take them home. Mad because they will never know what I know. I am 1 in 4 again. Someone is. I just always know it won't be anyone I know, because it never is. Its been me. Will it be me again? Will I be 1 in 4 again? My risk is the same as anyone else's but I know it too well. It prevents me from being 100% happy from anyone with their "Oh I'm 12 weeks I'm safe" and their "I can't wait til I get to the viability stage at 24 weeks", and their carefree, worry free pregnancies filled with smiles and days of not knowing their baby could just die randomly one night while they're asleep. You are the corpse carrier. You have carried death within you. I've been beside a ton of people when they died. But only one was inside my person when they died. That one was obviously the worst. I am happy for people. But I am jealous because they don't have to know what I know and they don't have to worry about it. I see people and their perfect little families and I am jealous that they don't know this loss like I do. Jealous I'm not the normal one who doesn't know grief. I should be going to the beach this year with my 9 month old baby girl and 4 year old boy. Not my 4 year old boy and my 20 some week pregnant self, again.... its like dejavu. How nice it must be not to know this pain. Count yourself eternally lucky that you do not personally know this pain. This loss chases me around constantly. Its consuming sometimes. Of course I wouldn't change meeting Emma in any way, I am glad to have gotten to meet her. Of course I would want to change it and for things to have went the way I think they should've.
I know Emma lives on though. In this world, and I hope it continues to be that way until I meet her again. Just today Brit got her heart from Hope's Healing Hearts, and coincidentally ( I consider it a sign ) it was able to be shipped by a donation that I had made a while back in memory of Emma. It was just yet another sign to know that my baby girl would have and is doing big things even though she is not here.
Baby peanut #3 checked out well yesterday. FHR was 148 and little arm buds could be seen. I feel so much like I did when I was pregnant with Emma that it takes me straight back and I have frequent, crippling dejavu sometimes. I hope that means girl. Of course, I'll take healthy take home, but of course how could I not want a possible 2nd chance at having a girl here earth side. I couldn't think of anyone more worthy to use Emma's things than a little sister picked especially by her. I go back in 3 weeks so that I will be on an even schedule. I'll be 10 weeks by then. Hopefully this crud feeling will ease up soon. By crud I mean I walk a thin line (haha Michelle) between nausea and starvation. No, I don't vomit, but I feel like I will in the next little while, all the time, while starving. I only want certain things and it is usually certain things we definitely do NOT have in the house. Luckily I have a wonderful hubby, and while I was rattling off a random list of things I thought I wanted at the time, he brought those things home (Cheese cubes, sherbet, and gourmet pizza)...now I want a good steak dinner. Maybe we will treat each other to that this weekend :)
I have so much homework its not funny. I am barely staying afloat. I got some good resources from my clinical facilitator this evening that I think should give me a good start on my 8-10 page paper for the end of this 8 week course for NSC442. And it will give me basically all I need for my clinical presentation as well. If I can just put it all together I will be doing good. I will be so thankful to have this semester over with. I am not looking forward to the summer when I have statistics AND a small 8 week course of assessment, but at least after that I can say GOODBYE forever to the BSN. It has been one bad luck/bad thing after another with this thing. If I scrape by with a decent grade I'll be glad.
Its supposed to snow more tonight/tomorrow. I am ready for a break with that. We've had soo much snow, ice, wind, etc I know the graveyard is in bad shape but hopefully this weekend we can go take care of that rain or shine. It has to be addressed, I can't take knowing it could look like crap and half of her decorations are blown over the hill or off her grave. Ugh. I hate winter. Go. AWAY. I just need sun on my skin, the porch to be cleaned off, spring/summer wardrobe in my closet and not in storage, porch sitting, lemonade, and normal life...not this cold winter crap. I hate not being able to go and do as I please. I want to be able to go walk the track, take Shade to the park, not be stuck because of snow and ice and have to stay in the motel for 3 nights near work just so I can get to work.
Speaking of motels, I actually didn't HATE staying in the motel. I like staying in motels. I have NO idea why. I guess because I don't have to clean and do dishes and laundry? LOL. But the beds are usually comfortable (or well the ones I stay in are) and they have light filtering curtains. I need to buy some of those for the bedroom. WHY I haven't already is beyond me.
Also speaking of good beds, I was glad to be back in mine. I have this first trimester intractable fatigue thing going on right now. And I remember the bed at the beach house last year not being that great because it was a queen and we fit in it decently, however it was a crappy spring mattress and I woke up every morning (could only sleep on my left side anyway) with my left hip numb? Gah. Hope that doesn't happen again this time, lol.
I need to get my vehicle fixed. I have the money to do it, and I have emailed the body shop the adjustment, but for some reason they haven't gotten back with me. I also have already spoken to someone about fixing the driveway thank GOD. Hopefully that is soon in the works along with guttering the back of the house, ditching behind the house again (well, completing what needed to be done), resewing the grass in the front yard, flower planting, and putting the 12x12s under the bottom of the porch to secure them. And grilling out. I'm ready for that to. I can't even deal with how much I need spring/summer to be here. CANT EVEN.
Shade is back to his sweet self again for the most part with no fit throwing every day. He sleeps til 10-11am if not woken up normally and doesn't take naps anymore. He will if we drive somewhere for an extended period of time, or if we get up early. But he's pretty much nap-free :\ Which is fine, because he self-maintains and sometimes I can snooze on my own if he's playing and we sleep late enough that a nap isn't needed. Who am I kidding... I could nap all day.
He is such a blessing, he keeps me on my toes and says the sweetest things <3 I wish my sweet Emma was here for him to take care of and to play with. He has so much love to give to a sibling. Life is weird, and when I was an older sibling I didn't realize how much love I was putting into my parents' hearts by just EXISTING, just existing with Brady and playing like we normally did. I know they sat back with a swollen heart and pride just watching us. I was just hanging out. Now I know what was really going on and I can't wait to experience it because this is my life now.
Miss you bigger than the sky, baby girl <3
xoxo
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