17 {weeks}
Here we go again. Tuesday came again just like I figured it would.
Emma would have been 17 weeks old today. Almost 4 months old. I remember when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Emma, too. Just now starting to feel her move. I can't wait to have that feeling again. I wish it was with her again and I would just be able to turn back time but we all know how that goes.
Yesterday, we were at Lowe's picking up supplies for the partition we are working on between the living room and kitchen, and of course set the tone to 1,000 years by Christina Perry (sad as crap anyway) and I asked Shade if I had another baby in my belly (not likely btw, just started a new cycle after 31 days which is okay because it appears my body is doing its own thing now) what would he think it was? Rather, what would he want it to be? So in true Shadey heartbreaking fashion, he answers with "another baby Emma." I told him I sure wish we could have another baby Emma with us to bring home to live here, but there will never be another baby Emma. But maybe it'll be another baby girl LIKE baby Emma." Then he changed the subject thank god. Its like every sad song is a soundtrack to my life. You can bet that if there is a sad song on, it fits my situation perfectly, and will play at the WORST god awful time it can possibly play. I figure, if I can keep a straight face and just barely tear up in public to something like that, I am made of steel and only break occasionally...and I am learning and being strengthened by these occurrences. I buried my head in Shades shoulder and said "I sure wish we could have baby Emma back..." and he said "me, too, Mommy." It is both heart warming and heart breaking...that he thinks of her so often, and that he knows we are unable to bring her home.
The holidays are OVER. I have never been more thankful in my life, honestly. I took the tree down today and the inside decor and its all boxed up safely, all the breakables wrapped in paper or other shock absorbent materials. I have too many ornaments now that are so precious to me, I took even more time and care than usual to store them safely. all that's left is to take down the outside decor that is just Christmas only, and the lights off the porch, then the ones on the roof which will be left to Tommy. I have a few things that are just winter. I'll grab those Christmas ones on my way down to check the mail here shortly.
Actually, I am sad to take down the tree. Because quite honestly I was enjoying seeing my babies faces and names on the fuzzy warmly lit tree, my babies stockings hung up on the entertainment center, and of course all the other decorations that are supposed to fill a home with good cheer and fa-la-la-whatevers. Putting the tree up was harder than taking it down this year. Usually I hate taking it down. This year I was okay with packing things away safely til next year when hopefully I will be more accustomed to this grief and handle it a bit more smoothly. The Christmas tree was beautiful to look at, with all the angels for hope and things floating around on it in memory of her and what could've been, but depressing because of what should've been.
Of course nobody can expect me to be stoked about the holidays. After all, Christmas eve was an emotional disaster for me. I'm a rock normally, even throughout this, I have been steady, only sinking head under water a few times. But Christmas eve broke me. I had a full out admitted to it panic attack on my way to work. I don't know what triggered it, I think talking to Tommy about how discouraged I was with not being pregnant yet, the fact of that time last year I was about to find out I was expecting what would turn out to be her... it all set me off I think. I had some horrible thoughts. I was at a red light, hyperventilating, it felt like someone had their hands around my throat and I couldn't find the air I so desperately needed to live. My mind went straight to thinking about "this must be how she felt when she was passing" and that made it worse. Sent me over the edge. I had to stop and cool off. I rolled the windows down, turned the air conditioner on, and bad as I hate to admit it...smoked a cigarette. Nobody knows that. But now I said it. Sometimes I break. I'm allowed to. Part of living through this is to get other people to realize, sometimes I will break and am allowed to break, and it's gonna be like this for a long time. Accept it. The hardest person to convince is myself. I am allowed to.
My emotions have been under lock and key for years. There's been a few times I've been blatantly public about them. Anger and aggression I have no problem verbalizing. Love and sadness and defeat and depression, I have always kept to myself. Except for a few times in my life and they have all been put into words on a blog. Once when I was 18, again when I was 19, maybe a couple in between and then now. The only reason I am letting whoever chooses to come across this blog be a part of my journey is because I hope that someone is helped by it. This is not easy and there is nothing pretty or good about it. But there are a lot of people who have to unfortunately experience it. I am a part of a lot of groups and communities for baby loss, and a lot of them have access to it. I also hope that someday it brings more awareness to stillbirth. With all the medical advances we have, this still seems to happen so much and people just don't realize. I didn't realize. Of course I never thought this could ever happen to me but here we are. I want people to know what we go through. How hard it is. How difficult it is to be suicidal AND okay at the same time. How that just because we have another child does NOT make it easier - in fact it is in ways, harder, because not only are you grieving for your lost child, but you have soul swallowing guilt for being so consumed with grief that you can't enjoy your living child. Just let it simmer a bit, how sad you are your child died, and how guilty you are for being sad. Come on now. Just know you CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT compare child loss grief. Whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or child death of any age. Do not compare. Also do NOT compare it to any other type of death (mother, father, cousin, uncle, brother) because I can assure it does not compare and is not appropriate to try and compare it. It does not help a grieving mother to hear about how you lost your papaw one time. I'm sure it sucked, I've lost a grandparent, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, etc. Nothing compares to this. Not even close. If you've lost a child through whatever outlet, those experiences help us deal, but just don't compare the two (well I know its not the same BUT.... no.... say I too lost a child, and I am here for you) Just a bit of info.
People need to know just how hard this is for people. Yet we still make it. We go to work, we go get groceries, we renovate our homes, we get our hair and nails done, we go shopping, we make love, we get mad, we do crafts, we travel, we live...all while this storm rages on the inside. Sometimes it comes out. And when it does, just support us. No matter how stupid and bitchy we might be. If I'm isolating myself, come ask me if I'm okay. If I cry, let me. Don't try to make it better, there is no better for us. This is the one time when I will openly just accept a pat on the shoulder or a hug and "I'm here for you. I don't know what you feel but I am here for you." That's it. That's all we need is someone to just check on us. Doesn't matter how. Message, in person, text, call. It helps more than you think.
And its hard to convince myself, I'm the most difficult one. IT IS OKAY. Okay to feel happiness. I still struggle with feeling happiness. Because I feel like I'm leaving her behind if I'm happy. But I also have some things to still be happy about. I'm gonna post pictures of her, her grave, her stuff, things in remembrance of her....its all I have. Whatever makes me think of her or proud of her, it'll get shared. No holding back anymore. Its not healthy. There will be days when I won't share...there will be days when I will overshare. Just deal with it.
I miss my girl like the trees miss the warmth of the spring and summer sun. Like they miss their leaves, sheltering them from the storm. Bare, freezing, naked. How I feel without her here. I sure wish things would've been different. I hope the time between now and a new life growing in my belly... our family not being 'fixed' but mostly healed, flies by. I've always been told never to wish my life away, but... sometimes its what gets me through the day. Knowing that she is in a better place than here. Knowing that I had that sweet time with her, and I have photos and memoirs to forever remember her by, knowing that thus far I have managed to keep her memory so vibrant...keeps me going.
xoxo
Emma would have been 17 weeks old today. Almost 4 months old. I remember when I was 17 weeks pregnant with Emma, too. Just now starting to feel her move. I can't wait to have that feeling again. I wish it was with her again and I would just be able to turn back time but we all know how that goes.
Yesterday, we were at Lowe's picking up supplies for the partition we are working on between the living room and kitchen, and of course set the tone to 1,000 years by Christina Perry (sad as crap anyway) and I asked Shade if I had another baby in my belly (not likely btw, just started a new cycle after 31 days which is okay because it appears my body is doing its own thing now) what would he think it was? Rather, what would he want it to be? So in true Shadey heartbreaking fashion, he answers with "another baby Emma." I told him I sure wish we could have another baby Emma with us to bring home to live here, but there will never be another baby Emma. But maybe it'll be another baby girl LIKE baby Emma." Then he changed the subject thank god. Its like every sad song is a soundtrack to my life. You can bet that if there is a sad song on, it fits my situation perfectly, and will play at the WORST god awful time it can possibly play. I figure, if I can keep a straight face and just barely tear up in public to something like that, I am made of steel and only break occasionally...and I am learning and being strengthened by these occurrences. I buried my head in Shades shoulder and said "I sure wish we could have baby Emma back..." and he said "me, too, Mommy." It is both heart warming and heart breaking...that he thinks of her so often, and that he knows we are unable to bring her home.
The holidays are OVER. I have never been more thankful in my life, honestly. I took the tree down today and the inside decor and its all boxed up safely, all the breakables wrapped in paper or other shock absorbent materials. I have too many ornaments now that are so precious to me, I took even more time and care than usual to store them safely. all that's left is to take down the outside decor that is just Christmas only, and the lights off the porch, then the ones on the roof which will be left to Tommy. I have a few things that are just winter. I'll grab those Christmas ones on my way down to check the mail here shortly.
Actually, I am sad to take down the tree. Because quite honestly I was enjoying seeing my babies faces and names on the fuzzy warmly lit tree, my babies stockings hung up on the entertainment center, and of course all the other decorations that are supposed to fill a home with good cheer and fa-la-la-whatevers. Putting the tree up was harder than taking it down this year. Usually I hate taking it down. This year I was okay with packing things away safely til next year when hopefully I will be more accustomed to this grief and handle it a bit more smoothly. The Christmas tree was beautiful to look at, with all the angels for hope and things floating around on it in memory of her and what could've been, but depressing because of what should've been.
Of course nobody can expect me to be stoked about the holidays. After all, Christmas eve was an emotional disaster for me. I'm a rock normally, even throughout this, I have been steady, only sinking head under water a few times. But Christmas eve broke me. I had a full out admitted to it panic attack on my way to work. I don't know what triggered it, I think talking to Tommy about how discouraged I was with not being pregnant yet, the fact of that time last year I was about to find out I was expecting what would turn out to be her... it all set me off I think. I had some horrible thoughts. I was at a red light, hyperventilating, it felt like someone had their hands around my throat and I couldn't find the air I so desperately needed to live. My mind went straight to thinking about "this must be how she felt when she was passing" and that made it worse. Sent me over the edge. I had to stop and cool off. I rolled the windows down, turned the air conditioner on, and bad as I hate to admit it...smoked a cigarette. Nobody knows that. But now I said it. Sometimes I break. I'm allowed to. Part of living through this is to get other people to realize, sometimes I will break and am allowed to break, and it's gonna be like this for a long time. Accept it. The hardest person to convince is myself. I am allowed to.
My emotions have been under lock and key for years. There's been a few times I've been blatantly public about them. Anger and aggression I have no problem verbalizing. Love and sadness and defeat and depression, I have always kept to myself. Except for a few times in my life and they have all been put into words on a blog. Once when I was 18, again when I was 19, maybe a couple in between and then now. The only reason I am letting whoever chooses to come across this blog be a part of my journey is because I hope that someone is helped by it. This is not easy and there is nothing pretty or good about it. But there are a lot of people who have to unfortunately experience it. I am a part of a lot of groups and communities for baby loss, and a lot of them have access to it. I also hope that someday it brings more awareness to stillbirth. With all the medical advances we have, this still seems to happen so much and people just don't realize. I didn't realize. Of course I never thought this could ever happen to me but here we are. I want people to know what we go through. How hard it is. How difficult it is to be suicidal AND okay at the same time. How that just because we have another child does NOT make it easier - in fact it is in ways, harder, because not only are you grieving for your lost child, but you have soul swallowing guilt for being so consumed with grief that you can't enjoy your living child. Just let it simmer a bit, how sad you are your child died, and how guilty you are for being sad. Come on now. Just know you CAN NOT and SHOULD NOT compare child loss grief. Whether it be miscarriage, stillbirth, infant death, or child death of any age. Do not compare. Also do NOT compare it to any other type of death (mother, father, cousin, uncle, brother) because I can assure it does not compare and is not appropriate to try and compare it. It does not help a grieving mother to hear about how you lost your papaw one time. I'm sure it sucked, I've lost a grandparent, uncles, aunts, cousins, friends, etc. Nothing compares to this. Not even close. If you've lost a child through whatever outlet, those experiences help us deal, but just don't compare the two (well I know its not the same BUT.... no.... say I too lost a child, and I am here for you) Just a bit of info.
People need to know just how hard this is for people. Yet we still make it. We go to work, we go get groceries, we renovate our homes, we get our hair and nails done, we go shopping, we make love, we get mad, we do crafts, we travel, we live...all while this storm rages on the inside. Sometimes it comes out. And when it does, just support us. No matter how stupid and bitchy we might be. If I'm isolating myself, come ask me if I'm okay. If I cry, let me. Don't try to make it better, there is no better for us. This is the one time when I will openly just accept a pat on the shoulder or a hug and "I'm here for you. I don't know what you feel but I am here for you." That's it. That's all we need is someone to just check on us. Doesn't matter how. Message, in person, text, call. It helps more than you think.
And its hard to convince myself, I'm the most difficult one. IT IS OKAY. Okay to feel happiness. I still struggle with feeling happiness. Because I feel like I'm leaving her behind if I'm happy. But I also have some things to still be happy about. I'm gonna post pictures of her, her grave, her stuff, things in remembrance of her....its all I have. Whatever makes me think of her or proud of her, it'll get shared. No holding back anymore. Its not healthy. There will be days when I won't share...there will be days when I will overshare. Just deal with it.
I miss my girl like the trees miss the warmth of the spring and summer sun. Like they miss their leaves, sheltering them from the storm. Bare, freezing, naked. How I feel without her here. I sure wish things would've been different. I hope the time between now and a new life growing in my belly... our family not being 'fixed' but mostly healed, flies by. I've always been told never to wish my life away, but... sometimes its what gets me through the day. Knowing that she is in a better place than here. Knowing that I had that sweet time with her, and I have photos and memoirs to forever remember her by, knowing that thus far I have managed to keep her memory so vibrant...keeps me going.
xoxo
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