{14 weeks}
Here we are at Tuesday again. I have spent the day doing homework, finishing up the very last assignment for the semester. All I lack is a final exam which opens up tomorrow and closes at 4pm on Friday. Of course I work all 3 days that it is open, but I will manage somehow. I've been dealt worse cards, right? My bachelors program has been a curse I think. First semester I got fired. Second semester, I was jobless, broke, worried, pregnant, miserable, stressed. Miserable because of the stress and joblessness...the path to bankruptcy. Third semester Emma died. What tragedy will the fourth semester bring? Can I fast forward to August of next year PLEASE? I am even willing to skip summer. By that point, BSN will be complete and I will HOPEFULLY be largely pregnant (albeit miserable yet again if things go my way)... please? fast forward button, where are you????? SERIOUSLY THOUGH.
Got my hair touched up today also. Visited mom and dad, who is sick...brought him some diet 7up and checked up on him, he has been vomiting all day. He found glass in an apple he was eating last night and hopefully the two are not related. I don't even know :\
Shade just ripped a massive fart, so loud and gross, I swear it could've punctured the leather on the couch. Glad I'm way over here in the kitchen. Speaking of Shadey, he has his own little popcorn popper now that my Mom brought him yesterday.
I think I am close to ovulation. Near positive tests + other signs. I hope my body does its thing this time and isn't just fooling me again. I need a streak of decent luck for Gods sake. I had a mental breakdown at work Saturday, brought on by a couple different things, but a breakdown nevertheless. I got home and couldn't escape my car for a half hour. I let it all out to some sappy music and then came in and showered. Sometimes you just have to.
Our tree is up. Our lights outside are up, with the exception of the ones that are not plugged in just yet. I need a male-male extension cord. Do they even make such a thing?? Idk. It looks nice though. Our tree is filled with family ornaments and memoirs of our Emma. All the angels for hope are on the tree surround her two pink ornaments. A small photo is ordered for her Baby Heaven ornament from the hospital. I want to get an ornament for her each yr just like Shade. Her stocking is up. Just one thing is missing.... her being earthside.
I hope I make it through Christmas Eve, and the general time frame without having a breakdown. It would be okay if I did, considering
Emma's grave looks great. Her headstone has been placed since December 1st. It looks wonderful and suits her perfectly. I went and cleaned up the grave one day. Then went and decorated for fall once it was set... then mom, Shade, and I went up yesterday and placed the grave blanket she hand made for her grave. It is lovely. Its hard to even explain or make known how wonderful it looks. Photos just don't do it justice. I still can't grasp the concept of why my baby has a grave, and not presents under the tree. Never will. I know if I have a rainbow baby, that it will be because of her that they are here and I could never regret something like that, but for now I am left wondering.
I was finishing up a set of wedding photos today. and came across a photo of blue and white balloons strung across a banister leading up to the church that I took. It was toward the end of July. I was miserably pregnant, pressure in my pelvis and every bone aching on my body. Sweating in the heat of the sun. So done with being pregnant and hot in the middle of the summer. Begging to get back home with my boys to relax and be lazy in the air conditioning. I remember as I left, the weight I felt off my shoulders, this was my last wedding of the summer ( didn't schedule any more until October because I was due early Sept and figured I'd have went in August ), there was a breeze, gently whipping the balloons back and forth. Tied tightly to the metal poles that formed the banister with ribbons. I felt so alone at that wedding. I didn't know anyone, and they weren't exactly the most friendly bunch. I felt out of place, pregnant, miserable, in the way. I was just glad to be leaving. I snapped one last picture as I left to get into my car. My mello yello was hot. I was hungry. They never offered me any food. Oh well. Now, I look back on it and I'd give anything to go back to that hot sun, that warm breeze, the feeling of Emma kicking my ribs. In retrospect, I remember how miserable I was every time I was miserable, and I only want to go back. I want to be miserable again. Miserable with life inside me. miserable with at least a true smile on my face. I will never have that back though. I'll never be the same because of this. I guess I wouldn't change it, because it was her. It was all I had of her. If I had to choose between never having been pregnant at all and escaping this devastation and heartbreak and never meeting her vs having my world crumble down on me on a daily basis for a yet to be determined amount of time from losing her, but meeting her and having her in my womb for that long at least... I'd choose the devastation all over again. That's true love.
It never fails I see and feel her in everything I do. I just wonder about the future of me. When will I get better? I don't fully expect to be 'better' per say, but, I want to fast forward so that I can maybe be happy again. Am I allowed to be happy? Happy without her? I personify her a lot. Don't get me wrong, she WAS/IS a person. But, she is not here. I never had 'memories' except the ones we made together when she was in my belly. I find myself looking back on those all the time, btw. It was her, there with us. We just never knew what a miracle, a beautiful miracle we were so carelessly carrying.
We went to Paula's Sunday before last. Paula's mom used a smudge stick with white sage and prayed around us. I felt an overwhelming comfort from that. She also said she saw me pregnant in February this coming year. She then said "Sorry, but I dreamt of a boy." I told her no need to apologize, that we have no control over gender selection when it comes to these things that is better left to the man upstairs. He and Emma know my heart... they know what I need. She is, however, the first one who has dreamed of a boy, not a girl. However, her dreams are likely less biased than ours. Who knows. I am hoping its before February, God knows I need a boost.
This weekend holds some interesting things. I have a wedding on Saturday... I am only there for 4 hours though. Jessi and I will make our way to Lexington Sunday. I will finish up Tommy's Christmas gifts and maybe one or two more things for Shade. I really don't need to buy anything for myself but it'll be nice to get away with her since we haven't in a while. Untelling what we will get into. I have some plans though, trust me on that. After our run of shat-type luck, we need a getaway, even if its just for a day.
I'm trying to ignore the weather. its cold. likely rainy at any given point. Snow would depress me just the same. I have so much to do and have had so very few days off to get it done in. Its mostly done now. I want to be caught up with all my CRAP by new years then I can just take my time overdosing on coffee, cocoa, and muscle relaxers for the rest of the winter and hibernate til spring.
Sheesh.
Miss my babygirl more than words. I have two beautiful children. That will never change. I hope to keep the rest conceived earthside <33
xoxo
Got my hair touched up today also. Visited mom and dad, who is sick...brought him some diet 7up and checked up on him, he has been vomiting all day. He found glass in an apple he was eating last night and hopefully the two are not related. I don't even know :\
Shade just ripped a massive fart, so loud and gross, I swear it could've punctured the leather on the couch. Glad I'm way over here in the kitchen. Speaking of Shadey, he has his own little popcorn popper now that my Mom brought him yesterday.
I think I am close to ovulation. Near positive tests + other signs. I hope my body does its thing this time and isn't just fooling me again. I need a streak of decent luck for Gods sake. I had a mental breakdown at work Saturday, brought on by a couple different things, but a breakdown nevertheless. I got home and couldn't escape my car for a half hour. I let it all out to some sappy music and then came in and showered. Sometimes you just have to.
Our tree is up. Our lights outside are up, with the exception of the ones that are not plugged in just yet. I need a male-male extension cord. Do they even make such a thing?? Idk. It looks nice though. Our tree is filled with family ornaments and memoirs of our Emma. All the angels for hope are on the tree surround her two pink ornaments. A small photo is ordered for her Baby Heaven ornament from the hospital. I want to get an ornament for her each yr just like Shade. Her stocking is up. Just one thing is missing.... her being earthside.
I hope I make it through Christmas Eve, and the general time frame without having a breakdown. It would be okay if I did, considering
Emma's grave looks great. Her headstone has been placed since December 1st. It looks wonderful and suits her perfectly. I went and cleaned up the grave one day. Then went and decorated for fall once it was set... then mom, Shade, and I went up yesterday and placed the grave blanket she hand made for her grave. It is lovely. Its hard to even explain or make known how wonderful it looks. Photos just don't do it justice. I still can't grasp the concept of why my baby has a grave, and not presents under the tree. Never will. I know if I have a rainbow baby, that it will be because of her that they are here and I could never regret something like that, but for now I am left wondering.
I was finishing up a set of wedding photos today. and came across a photo of blue and white balloons strung across a banister leading up to the church that I took. It was toward the end of July. I was miserably pregnant, pressure in my pelvis and every bone aching on my body. Sweating in the heat of the sun. So done with being pregnant and hot in the middle of the summer. Begging to get back home with my boys to relax and be lazy in the air conditioning. I remember as I left, the weight I felt off my shoulders, this was my last wedding of the summer ( didn't schedule any more until October because I was due early Sept and figured I'd have went in August ), there was a breeze, gently whipping the balloons back and forth. Tied tightly to the metal poles that formed the banister with ribbons. I felt so alone at that wedding. I didn't know anyone, and they weren't exactly the most friendly bunch. I felt out of place, pregnant, miserable, in the way. I was just glad to be leaving. I snapped one last picture as I left to get into my car. My mello yello was hot. I was hungry. They never offered me any food. Oh well. Now, I look back on it and I'd give anything to go back to that hot sun, that warm breeze, the feeling of Emma kicking my ribs. In retrospect, I remember how miserable I was every time I was miserable, and I only want to go back. I want to be miserable again. Miserable with life inside me. miserable with at least a true smile on my face. I will never have that back though. I'll never be the same because of this. I guess I wouldn't change it, because it was her. It was all I had of her. If I had to choose between never having been pregnant at all and escaping this devastation and heartbreak and never meeting her vs having my world crumble down on me on a daily basis for a yet to be determined amount of time from losing her, but meeting her and having her in my womb for that long at least... I'd choose the devastation all over again. That's true love.
It never fails I see and feel her in everything I do. I just wonder about the future of me. When will I get better? I don't fully expect to be 'better' per say, but, I want to fast forward so that I can maybe be happy again. Am I allowed to be happy? Happy without her? I personify her a lot. Don't get me wrong, she WAS/IS a person. But, she is not here. I never had 'memories' except the ones we made together when she was in my belly. I find myself looking back on those all the time, btw. It was her, there with us. We just never knew what a miracle, a beautiful miracle we were so carelessly carrying.
We went to Paula's Sunday before last. Paula's mom used a smudge stick with white sage and prayed around us. I felt an overwhelming comfort from that. She also said she saw me pregnant in February this coming year. She then said "Sorry, but I dreamt of a boy." I told her no need to apologize, that we have no control over gender selection when it comes to these things that is better left to the man upstairs. He and Emma know my heart... they know what I need. She is, however, the first one who has dreamed of a boy, not a girl. However, her dreams are likely less biased than ours. Who knows. I am hoping its before February, God knows I need a boost.
This weekend holds some interesting things. I have a wedding on Saturday... I am only there for 4 hours though. Jessi and I will make our way to Lexington Sunday. I will finish up Tommy's Christmas gifts and maybe one or two more things for Shade. I really don't need to buy anything for myself but it'll be nice to get away with her since we haven't in a while. Untelling what we will get into. I have some plans though, trust me on that. After our run of shat-type luck, we need a getaway, even if its just for a day.
I'm trying to ignore the weather. its cold. likely rainy at any given point. Snow would depress me just the same. I have so much to do and have had so very few days off to get it done in. Its mostly done now. I want to be caught up with all my CRAP by new years then I can just take my time overdosing on coffee, cocoa, and muscle relaxers for the rest of the winter and hibernate til spring.
Sheesh.
Miss my babygirl more than words. I have two beautiful children. That will never change. I hope to keep the rest conceived earthside <33
xoxo
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