15
15 weeks, now.
I remember wishing my days away throughout pregnancy, sore, tired, uncomfortable. Had I known those were truly the only days I would have with you alive, I would have wished for time to slow down. Just like I did whenever we were holding you in the hospital room. Time could have stood still for that moment in time forever... and I would have been fine. My little family of 4 all here on earth, together, hands interlinked in the same room, breathing the same air...well, sort of. You know what I mean. But time sped up. those 5 hours we had with you seem like 5 minutes.
I think we all tend to wish our days away sometimes. I know it is not advisable to do so. I still do. I wish my days away until I am pregnant, until I am holding a new rainbow baby again. I'm sure I'll someday regret that I wish time away. Shade grows so fast and I feel like I'm just watching it all pass by me in a blur. He will be in school next thing I know it and I'll be crying because I didn't take enough pictures, didn't write down the things he said fast enough... I need to do that. I remind myself constantly to record or write down somehow the things he says, because they're so funny and I won't remember them very long I know. That's how the world gets back at us for being mean, I guess. Forgetting memories is my biggest fear.
Emma's wind chimes have blown all day in true Tuesday fashion. I feel her close with me. I wish I didn't have to try to verbalize how I did or did not feel my child who is no longer here with me on this earth. I miss her so bad. Sometimes I think that the hurt and the depression and the longing for her to be here with us will get better. Sometimes I think it'll only get worse. At best, I figure it will continue to get more and more tolerable...
I still have her face in my every thought. The more time passes, the further away the whole experience feels. I still felt extremely close when it hadn't been 3 months ago. I feel close to her, but far from the experience. Like its happened 25 years ago. Not 15 weeks. I never want to forget any moment of my experience...it grounds me. Yes it also depresses me and makes me angry and makes me long for my girl. But it makes me know what can really happen in this world.
I am forever changed by her. I realize this more and more every day. Life is fleeting. It basically reminds me that I have to just take it day by day, as life moves along whether I like it or not.
Until I reach the end of my days I will long for her...until my last breath on earth. Until then I will chase my rainbow...until I can hold my Emma again.
I love that sweet girl and my little boy more than life.
xoxo
I remember wishing my days away throughout pregnancy, sore, tired, uncomfortable. Had I known those were truly the only days I would have with you alive, I would have wished for time to slow down. Just like I did whenever we were holding you in the hospital room. Time could have stood still for that moment in time forever... and I would have been fine. My little family of 4 all here on earth, together, hands interlinked in the same room, breathing the same air...well, sort of. You know what I mean. But time sped up. those 5 hours we had with you seem like 5 minutes.
I think we all tend to wish our days away sometimes. I know it is not advisable to do so. I still do. I wish my days away until I am pregnant, until I am holding a new rainbow baby again. I'm sure I'll someday regret that I wish time away. Shade grows so fast and I feel like I'm just watching it all pass by me in a blur. He will be in school next thing I know it and I'll be crying because I didn't take enough pictures, didn't write down the things he said fast enough... I need to do that. I remind myself constantly to record or write down somehow the things he says, because they're so funny and I won't remember them very long I know. That's how the world gets back at us for being mean, I guess. Forgetting memories is my biggest fear.
Emma's wind chimes have blown all day in true Tuesday fashion. I feel her close with me. I wish I didn't have to try to verbalize how I did or did not feel my child who is no longer here with me on this earth. I miss her so bad. Sometimes I think that the hurt and the depression and the longing for her to be here with us will get better. Sometimes I think it'll only get worse. At best, I figure it will continue to get more and more tolerable...
I still have her face in my every thought. The more time passes, the further away the whole experience feels. I still felt extremely close when it hadn't been 3 months ago. I feel close to her, but far from the experience. Like its happened 25 years ago. Not 15 weeks. I never want to forget any moment of my experience...it grounds me. Yes it also depresses me and makes me angry and makes me long for my girl. But it makes me know what can really happen in this world.
I am forever changed by her. I realize this more and more every day. Life is fleeting. It basically reminds me that I have to just take it day by day, as life moves along whether I like it or not.
Until I reach the end of my days I will long for her...until my last breath on earth. Until then I will chase my rainbow...until I can hold my Emma again.
I love that sweet girl and my little boy more than life.
xoxo
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