Tuesday Again [12 weeks]
So it's Tuesday again. Tale as old as time. on Tuesdays I blog. Will we ever be able to skip over Tuesday?
I've had a relatively decent day. Slept in. Got ready leisurely. Called the PO to let them know we now have a galactus sized mailbox at the road, so they can quit moaning about us needing a box - and just put everything in there now. No more unnecessary trips to the PO for me, hopefully.
Anyway, of course, first thing I do is wake up with baby girl on my mind as per the usual. Roll over and snuggle my boy. take my temperature. walk into the bathroom, pee in a cup, dip a stick into it. BFN. as per the usual. not that I expected anything else, but until AF shows her face, I will pee on sticks.
12 weeks ago, now. I often run upon old ultrasound pictures, especially since we finally added pics of Emma publicly on Facebook. I end up on the album for her on facebook that originally started out with her ultrasound photos and pregnancy progress. An album full of beautiful life, and then scroll to the end... and death with sadness, enveloped in warm cloak of beauty and love.
I did however realize that homework that I thought was due today is actually not due til next week (This is fall break) so I can relax and just try to work ahead without rushing to meet deadlines. I have 4 things due between now and next Friday. Here's to hoping I can manage to not put it off til 2 hours before its due.
All of our Christmas shopping is done except James. I'd love to figure out what to get the girls at work. But is it even necessary? I will feel like a douche if I don't grab a little something for everyone but dang I work with like 20 ppl. lol. Maybe a bottle of bath and body works lotion. Maybe some little hand sanitizer holders for their purses, something cheap but nice.
Day 5 of provera and so far all it has done is break my face out around my chin. To be expected. It has had one other side effect but that is a wanted one, I won't elaborate. 5 more days left and then I can stop testing until AF is gone.
Today, on the way to Hazard, we passed the Hurt's Creek graveyard. Shade said "That's where baby Emma lives!" And I explained to him that it was like where she lived but hers is in a different spot. Speaking of, we are still waiting on her headstone. I feel like a bad parent that her gravesite is still naked. Probably all her flowers blown off from all the wind we had yesterday and night before last. Maybe I will go up there tomorrow and clean up. I think I will. Point of that earlier story was that he knows she is there. What a sad thing, but also brings a smile to my face that he will, unprompted, bring her up and talk about her like she is still here with us. I intend to always keep it that way. Even if I am pregnant again. I don't want her to be overshadowed by a new baby/pregnancy, nor do I want it overshadowed by her or Shade himself... everything should be treated equally.
I have few memories from when I was 3. What ones I do though, are vivid, as if I stepped into a time machine. Most of those are the way they are because my parents made sure to elaborate on the memory and remind me of a certain time in which was important, relevant, funny, etc. There were pictures, videos, etc of those times and those are the ones I remember the best. I figure when he is my age, he will have these similar memories of Emma. I never go a day without mentioning her or showing him her photos. Her photos are on the walls of the living room. He speaks of her unprompted. I never want him to go a day where he doesn't think of her. I remember exactly how she felt in my arms. The heaviness of her body near my chest. I hope to never forget. Reliving it daily is hard but losing the memory would be harder. I know he will never have memories that vivid, but I want to keep them as fresh as I can for him.
We asked him yesterday did he want another brother or sister... and he responded that he wanted one, but in a way ended up describing that he wanted it to be baby Emma. Stuff like that kills me. I know he doesn't understand but I do. And I wish I could skip out on a minute during those times, however it does remind me that he loves her. Shade and I ventured to Applebee's for the first time since 4 days before I had her. I was super largely pregnant, and we went out with James & Savannah one Friday evening. I was exactly 39 weeks. I remember wearing this new pair of floral leggings I had just bought and was stoked over them. I remember my hair was curly and it was super hot out. We were basically going out for the last time before I had her, since I worked Saturday and Sunday, and the next week would be filled with preparations for her. I remember it was so crowded in there, we waited about 30 minutes to eat. Then once seated, we were barely all fitting at our table and it was so loud in there due to people talking that we could barely hear each other for a conversation. I had been to Hazard once already that day, getting groceries, picking up an outfit for that evening, and we had gotten some new outfits for Emma. It was actually the day Shade picked out the outfit she ended up being buried in. Anyway, I didn't even realize how this would affect me, until we pulled in. And I found myself just sitting there, staring. And then it hit me, as to why I was practically stuck in my car, glued to the seat. This was the first time I had been back. I had originally planned on going to Mexican. And almost drove off whenever I realized what I'd done. Its like something drove me to Applebee's, not ME, but I just ended up there, as I had FULL intentions of going to Sazon...Shade even told me he wanted rice. WHY was I there?? The ton of bricks that hit me now lay in the pit of my stomach, trying to crawl out my throat. I keep wondering why life puts me in these situations. There has to be a reason. Seeing all these pregnant patients, having to counsel them through their miscarriage and what have you... putting me back in these places/situations that I do NOT want to be, and take care to avoid, yet end up there regardless. Life has already been cruel enough of late, why would it keep dumping on me? Only thing I can figure is that there has to be a reason. I'd like to think of it as her showing me that she is in everything I do, everywhere I go. And while her memory is still bittersweet, and may always be... I will never be alone. I was never alone when I carried her. Even when I was completely alone in my car or hiding by myself somewhere for a few minutes... I was never alone. She was always with me. I would like to think I carry her with me forever.
I wander aimlessly through walmart and other public places, trying not to snap at people who grind my gears. Sometimes I think as if its a direct hit toward me, or purposely for me. I know its not. but I get so angry so fast at stupid people. And let's face it, there's a lot of em. I try to keep my karma in check, and be as patient and nice as possible with these people. I try to think that maybe they're just like me, sad and aimlessly floating like a feather in the wind... and life doesn't make much sense to them anymore either. Maybe they're as distracted as me. Most of the cases are doubtful to be that, but still.
I miss her like the trees miss the sun right now. The trees remind me of myself. Dead, grey, dry, gangly, empty, hollow, naked, tired, sad, cold, scared, close to death. I know spring will come and with it will come new life in many ways. It seems as far off from now as that first ultrasound picture seems. It seems like it was in a different life somewhere. It was in a different life. A much happier, easier to understand, life. That chapter of my life has been ripped out and torn into pieces. Spring seems so far off. I hope to be pregnant again by then, maybe pregnant enough to tell the world. Thats part of the 'new life' that I am looking forward to. I would much rather rewind and fix what happened to make me deserve losing her. But I know it cannot be done. I know the next child God blesses me with will be equally as special and without this happening, I'd never have them, I'm sure that's how I'll feel about it down the road. But for now I just want to fix what messed up. I still just feel like this is all a crazy dream sometimes.
People ask me how am I so strong... and I really wish they didn't think I was 'strong'. Because it has nothing to do with strength. How am I so positive, aka how do you act like nothing's wrong... because face it, as much as I'd LOVE to lay down and die, I can't. I have a family and a living child who needs me. If Heaven is the way they say it is... Emma is in good hands. I'd much rather her be in mine, but again, nothing I can do about it at this point. I just want a do over. I am determined for this next pregnancy to be textbook. Not that her's wasn't. But if it was just uncomplicated.. every little thing is just going to send me over the edge. I have PTSD with most things. I know it'll only double then. I just really wish people didn't think I was strong, and wouldn't mention it. I appreciate the gesture. But if they only knew how broken I was inside. It has even taken the joy of pregnancy and infancy away from me. Whenever I DO get pregnant again, will I enjoy it like I have my other pregnancies? No. I will be worried, guilty, and conflicted all the time. Sure, I will be happy. But not like I was before. I'll never be like that before. I have to learn to give that part of me away. I buried that piece of my heart, life, and self with her. As the saying goes, "the old me's dead and gone". I might be happy again. I pray I am. I feel like its an injustice to walk through life so miserable. I just pray for the strength to find that happiness again one day without doing her injustice.
All the nice comments on her photos online reassure me that she is touching so many people's lives, that so many people get to be in awe of hear beauty just like I am every day. Putting her pictures online really helped me to the point to where, a certain stage of healing completed when I let the world see. I no longer feel as if I have to hide her. In a way it was like I was admitting that yes, my baby died. But in another way it was like saying, yes my baby died, but look how gorgeous she was. Look what an incredible creation grew inside me!!
I love her so much and miss her more every day. Every day is another day closer to seeing her... another day of keeping her fresh in my mind and in this life. I just have never seen anything so precious as my children. I pray everyone can know a love like I do.
<3 you Emma Caroline.
xoxo
I've had a relatively decent day. Slept in. Got ready leisurely. Called the PO to let them know we now have a galactus sized mailbox at the road, so they can quit moaning about us needing a box - and just put everything in there now. No more unnecessary trips to the PO for me, hopefully.
Anyway, of course, first thing I do is wake up with baby girl on my mind as per the usual. Roll over and snuggle my boy. take my temperature. walk into the bathroom, pee in a cup, dip a stick into it. BFN. as per the usual. not that I expected anything else, but until AF shows her face, I will pee on sticks.
12 weeks ago, now. I often run upon old ultrasound pictures, especially since we finally added pics of Emma publicly on Facebook. I end up on the album for her on facebook that originally started out with her ultrasound photos and pregnancy progress. An album full of beautiful life, and then scroll to the end... and death with sadness, enveloped in warm cloak of beauty and love.
I did however realize that homework that I thought was due today is actually not due til next week (This is fall break) so I can relax and just try to work ahead without rushing to meet deadlines. I have 4 things due between now and next Friday. Here's to hoping I can manage to not put it off til 2 hours before its due.
All of our Christmas shopping is done except James. I'd love to figure out what to get the girls at work. But is it even necessary? I will feel like a douche if I don't grab a little something for everyone but dang I work with like 20 ppl. lol. Maybe a bottle of bath and body works lotion. Maybe some little hand sanitizer holders for their purses, something cheap but nice.
Day 5 of provera and so far all it has done is break my face out around my chin. To be expected. It has had one other side effect but that is a wanted one, I won't elaborate. 5 more days left and then I can stop testing until AF is gone.
Today, on the way to Hazard, we passed the Hurt's Creek graveyard. Shade said "That's where baby Emma lives!" And I explained to him that it was like where she lived but hers is in a different spot. Speaking of, we are still waiting on her headstone. I feel like a bad parent that her gravesite is still naked. Probably all her flowers blown off from all the wind we had yesterday and night before last. Maybe I will go up there tomorrow and clean up. I think I will. Point of that earlier story was that he knows she is there. What a sad thing, but also brings a smile to my face that he will, unprompted, bring her up and talk about her like she is still here with us. I intend to always keep it that way. Even if I am pregnant again. I don't want her to be overshadowed by a new baby/pregnancy, nor do I want it overshadowed by her or Shade himself... everything should be treated equally.
I have few memories from when I was 3. What ones I do though, are vivid, as if I stepped into a time machine. Most of those are the way they are because my parents made sure to elaborate on the memory and remind me of a certain time in which was important, relevant, funny, etc. There were pictures, videos, etc of those times and those are the ones I remember the best. I figure when he is my age, he will have these similar memories of Emma. I never go a day without mentioning her or showing him her photos. Her photos are on the walls of the living room. He speaks of her unprompted. I never want him to go a day where he doesn't think of her. I remember exactly how she felt in my arms. The heaviness of her body near my chest. I hope to never forget. Reliving it daily is hard but losing the memory would be harder. I know he will never have memories that vivid, but I want to keep them as fresh as I can for him.
We asked him yesterday did he want another brother or sister... and he responded that he wanted one, but in a way ended up describing that he wanted it to be baby Emma. Stuff like that kills me. I know he doesn't understand but I do. And I wish I could skip out on a minute during those times, however it does remind me that he loves her. Shade and I ventured to Applebee's for the first time since 4 days before I had her. I was super largely pregnant, and we went out with James & Savannah one Friday evening. I was exactly 39 weeks. I remember wearing this new pair of floral leggings I had just bought and was stoked over them. I remember my hair was curly and it was super hot out. We were basically going out for the last time before I had her, since I worked Saturday and Sunday, and the next week would be filled with preparations for her. I remember it was so crowded in there, we waited about 30 minutes to eat. Then once seated, we were barely all fitting at our table and it was so loud in there due to people talking that we could barely hear each other for a conversation. I had been to Hazard once already that day, getting groceries, picking up an outfit for that evening, and we had gotten some new outfits for Emma. It was actually the day Shade picked out the outfit she ended up being buried in. Anyway, I didn't even realize how this would affect me, until we pulled in. And I found myself just sitting there, staring. And then it hit me, as to why I was practically stuck in my car, glued to the seat. This was the first time I had been back. I had originally planned on going to Mexican. And almost drove off whenever I realized what I'd done. Its like something drove me to Applebee's, not ME, but I just ended up there, as I had FULL intentions of going to Sazon...Shade even told me he wanted rice. WHY was I there?? The ton of bricks that hit me now lay in the pit of my stomach, trying to crawl out my throat. I keep wondering why life puts me in these situations. There has to be a reason. Seeing all these pregnant patients, having to counsel them through their miscarriage and what have you... putting me back in these places/situations that I do NOT want to be, and take care to avoid, yet end up there regardless. Life has already been cruel enough of late, why would it keep dumping on me? Only thing I can figure is that there has to be a reason. I'd like to think of it as her showing me that she is in everything I do, everywhere I go. And while her memory is still bittersweet, and may always be... I will never be alone. I was never alone when I carried her. Even when I was completely alone in my car or hiding by myself somewhere for a few minutes... I was never alone. She was always with me. I would like to think I carry her with me forever.
I wander aimlessly through walmart and other public places, trying not to snap at people who grind my gears. Sometimes I think as if its a direct hit toward me, or purposely for me. I know its not. but I get so angry so fast at stupid people. And let's face it, there's a lot of em. I try to keep my karma in check, and be as patient and nice as possible with these people. I try to think that maybe they're just like me, sad and aimlessly floating like a feather in the wind... and life doesn't make much sense to them anymore either. Maybe they're as distracted as me. Most of the cases are doubtful to be that, but still.
I miss her like the trees miss the sun right now. The trees remind me of myself. Dead, grey, dry, gangly, empty, hollow, naked, tired, sad, cold, scared, close to death. I know spring will come and with it will come new life in many ways. It seems as far off from now as that first ultrasound picture seems. It seems like it was in a different life somewhere. It was in a different life. A much happier, easier to understand, life. That chapter of my life has been ripped out and torn into pieces. Spring seems so far off. I hope to be pregnant again by then, maybe pregnant enough to tell the world. Thats part of the 'new life' that I am looking forward to. I would much rather rewind and fix what happened to make me deserve losing her. But I know it cannot be done. I know the next child God blesses me with will be equally as special and without this happening, I'd never have them, I'm sure that's how I'll feel about it down the road. But for now I just want to fix what messed up. I still just feel like this is all a crazy dream sometimes.
People ask me how am I so strong... and I really wish they didn't think I was 'strong'. Because it has nothing to do with strength. How am I so positive, aka how do you act like nothing's wrong... because face it, as much as I'd LOVE to lay down and die, I can't. I have a family and a living child who needs me. If Heaven is the way they say it is... Emma is in good hands. I'd much rather her be in mine, but again, nothing I can do about it at this point. I just want a do over. I am determined for this next pregnancy to be textbook. Not that her's wasn't. But if it was just uncomplicated.. every little thing is just going to send me over the edge. I have PTSD with most things. I know it'll only double then. I just really wish people didn't think I was strong, and wouldn't mention it. I appreciate the gesture. But if they only knew how broken I was inside. It has even taken the joy of pregnancy and infancy away from me. Whenever I DO get pregnant again, will I enjoy it like I have my other pregnancies? No. I will be worried, guilty, and conflicted all the time. Sure, I will be happy. But not like I was before. I'll never be like that before. I have to learn to give that part of me away. I buried that piece of my heart, life, and self with her. As the saying goes, "the old me's dead and gone". I might be happy again. I pray I am. I feel like its an injustice to walk through life so miserable. I just pray for the strength to find that happiness again one day without doing her injustice.
All the nice comments on her photos online reassure me that she is touching so many people's lives, that so many people get to be in awe of hear beauty just like I am every day. Putting her pictures online really helped me to the point to where, a certain stage of healing completed when I let the world see. I no longer feel as if I have to hide her. In a way it was like I was admitting that yes, my baby died. But in another way it was like saying, yes my baby died, but look how gorgeous she was. Look what an incredible creation grew inside me!!
I love her so much and miss her more every day. Every day is another day closer to seeing her... another day of keeping her fresh in my mind and in this life. I just have never seen anything so precious as my children. I pray everyone can know a love like I do.
<3 you Emma Caroline.
xoxo
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