11 weeks

Its Tuesday. And no matter how hard i try to make Tuesday something else, it never works. Even if i try to ignore it, or if its not a significant number or milestone...something always leads me back to you.
For instance some notification popped up about pinterest and i ended up there, pinning pins about the loss of you from random baby loss boards. Why is there even such a thing?
I hate cold weather because i think of how cold, unrelentlessly cold, it must be at the graveyard, especially underground. And it makes me uneasy. But, i try to remember thats just your body, not you. But thats all i ever knew. I never got to know you. I just got to hold your body and only for a little while. My mind travels to perverse places, like what you look like now...something nobody normal would think of. Its not realistic to think that you'll be that perfect little soft skinned baby forever. Even living babies eventually dont have soft skin. Like poor Shade, feels like a lizard, haha. If only he could know you. You'd be 11 weeks old here, likely smiling and cooing, and we'd all 3 be home spending the day together staying warm and waiting for daddy to come home and join us from work. Im sad you never got to know your earthly home outside of my womb.
I keep wishing for you to send me a rainbow, but truly, its you I'd rather have. And you know that. Sometimes i am optimistic about being pregnant again and having a new baby to look forward to again and to hope will get to come home with us, knowing it will help me grieve and heal.  Sometimes i just know itll never happen, that i didnt deserve to have you, the ultimate picture of perfection here on earth, what makes me think god would give me another chance to keep another baby here on earth? I just would like maybe a do over or a reincarnation of you, to carry again for 9mos and then bring home. And i say only 9mos because this one will be coming out early. I get so overjoyed when i think of how itll feel to meet a new baby again, whatever you decide to send me. I know you know exactly what i need...you know me well, you knew me from the inside, so i know you won't disappoint. I know you don't want me to hurt this way forever. I can't promise i won't always, always hurt, and grieve and regret for you. I want to be able to see little bits of you in them. Just a pinch of you, in their overall recipe. Ill never be able to watch you live and grow, but like that, i can get a sneak peek of what  i am never going to be blessed with on earth.
My ultimate wish is that this had never happened. That i was laying here with you and Shade. Feeding you, laughing at this silly boy who thinks its fun to bring a box of fake bugs and snakes in the bed and play while watching Daniel tiger. I just wonder what 1 or several things happened to make this fate true. Could i go back and change them? I guess i still have issues understanding why this had to happen. What bad would've happened, what major plan would've been screwed up, by letting me have you to raise and love here on earth?
People say god must've had a plan. Or that this happened for a reason. Or that you're in heaven and thats something we can cling to. Sure, maybe. But these people didn't have to hand over their newborn, perfect, precious baby girl for the last time, knowing the second they let go...the second their fingers brushed the fabric of your gown for the last time ..they'd never see you again. I don't even think I knew that at the time. I think if i did, that i wouldnt have been able to hand you over to your daddy, knowing he was going to give you to Kyle, who was taking you to the funeral home. I must have been still in shock. Running on autopilot, like i did for a while...like i still do sometimes. These people didnt have to combine their first hello, first look, first hug, first touch, first kiss, etc....with their last. But we did. These people can say that stuff and mean well, and say at least you can take comfort in knowing shes in heaven...but let's see them choose which one of their children to give back to heaven. Any takers? Anyone? Nope, didn't think so.

Part of my world is still paused. Still stuck on sept 2nd. On hold until further notice. The other part has resumed turning. Not by choice, but only because it had to. I go about my day, chugging along, trying to be normal. But there is and always will be a huge part that is not. And can't ever be again. A part of me that lives in a far off place where the  world exists the way it was supposed to. That part of me is disconnected from the other. You can see it if you look at me long enough. The two parts conflict and fight with each other daily. One trying to rationalize with the other. Maybe they'll collide one day and merge into one normal being. Maybe not. Maybe part of me will always be disconnected. Missing. Lost. I find myself almost on a daily basis, realizing that ive been making my way through the day without crying for you. But its not because i dont miss you. Its because the part of my world that is still turning is so obsessed with figuring out how to make it without the part that you took with you.

There's loss in every day. Death in everything i see. Its almost winter. Theres the first accumulation of snow on the ground right now. The trees are shivering and almost all their leaves are gone. The bit of life left in them is about to slip away. Just like September 2nd. Itll be like this for a while too. Cold. Dead. Unforgiving. Just like grief. It doesnt want me to get away from it because i can find it in every single thing I do. Sights, smells, touch. Just like at work, my ham and cheese sub ended up tasting like the OR smelled that day. Thats not even realistic. Is it? I had to stop eating it. It made me sick in a way. Later that day i ended up in the ER thinking i was having a heart attack. My strained chest/shoulder muscle started hurting and radiated into my neck and jaw and my left arm went cold, numb, and tingly. The more i told myself i was crazy, the worse it hurt, the shorter of breath I got, the more my heart pounded. Everything was checked out normal. Of course. Not like i figured it wouldn't. Chalked it up to a panic attack. First one ever.  In that moment, though, i was terrified. I had thoughts of being scared to go home and lay down, fearing that I'd die in my sleep. I slowed my car down from the fast speed I'd been driving thinking that wouldn't be so bad. I could come be with you eternally maybe. I felt that all too familiar feeling wash over me. The one where death is no longer scary, but a relief. A fix for all the problems i have that im unable to fix, a permanent cure for my broken heart. Then i pictured Shade. And Tommy. And my family. And suddenly the pedal was to the metal again, rushing to make sure i was okay. As bad as i need to see you and be with you, i need them as much. Please understand this. I know you wouldnt want me to leave them as much as i want you to be here with us. 

Its not even winter, not even Christmas. But im already grieving spring and summer with you. Im hoping that spring brings new life for us not only in mother nature, but in the form of a rainbow you've so perfectly crafted for us. I know you'll have help from God, making a rainbow from us. The two efforts combined should be amazing. Just like you.

I miss you. More than all the billions of letters and words that could be written and said could ever say.   I still long for you to come to me in my dreams and visit. That'll never change. Even if its not real and just a dream... it would be nice. I could hold you just for a minute. I'll always feel that way. I'll always be proud of you and I'll always write about you. Weekly, daily...whenever i find the time and motivation. You know youre on my heart and mind 24/7. You know it the best out of anyone, you spent your entire life next to it and hearing its innermost thoughts.
♡ you, my sweet baby girl.