Sometimes
I break.
and I wonder... why me? Surely there must've been someone else more deserving of such a tragedy.
I feel like everything I look forward to is just a pipe dream. So far off in to the future, and so unattainable since I have no control over it...
I've had several decent days now. And it has been a decent morning, I've cooked biscuits and bacon for Shade and I, slept in, did some laundry already and am working on more. About to do a quiz for my classes and knock most if not all of my homework out for this week. However, for some reason I just sit to look at pictures, and end up looking at the ones from the OR. Why is it always the OR that gets me? God, I just wish that experience could've been different. I can't wait for the next experience and I pray so hard its with screaming baby cries and warm, beating hearts beneath tiny newborn rib cages and newly inflated lungs.
I feel like this ttc thing should be easier. Like I should already be pregnant again. I've been trying so hard, researching, checking myself, taking all the meds and supplements needed to do the best. I've been trying to stay unstressed and trying to be optimistic for several reasons. And now here I am, at a standstill yet again... not pregnant, not on my period, not ovulating. Wth. Jessi insists that I'm preggo. She's crazy. Not like life would throw me a lemon at this point. Still throwing rotten eggs at me, apparently. Its not like after all that's happened, that I'd actually expect to have life cut me a break.
My mind goes to such stupid places.
Every night before bed, I ask Emma to visit me in my dreams. I always say, if you get lonely and you want Mommy to hold you, visit me in my dreams and I will hold you for as long as I can ... No luck so far. She must not be too lonley, heaven is a wonderful place I assume, where people aren't lonely. Even little babies who never got to meet their families who love them so.
I've never wanted anything so badly. Life works in such strange ways. Some days I feel almost normal. Some days I feel literally so empty, I feel as if the wind will whisk me away as I'm walking. My clothes aren't tight, and it feels wrong. my body is just so confused. I mean, it can't even be a woman and be fertile, its so confused. I felt like I weighed only 10lbs the other day, and not feeling 'small' as in 'skinny' because that is NOT the case. but, feeling empty, rather.
hubby and I had a nice day Saturday in Lexington. We finished up all the Christmas shopping except 2 people. Which we plan to order something for. That is a great thing for us, as I am usually shopping for people in mid-December and result to doing gift sets from bath & body works or VS.
I hope to have a sticky bean in my belly by Christmas this year. I so don't think I can make it through the cold, dead, winter without something to look forward to in regards to expanding our family. I can't look out this kitchen window and see the gate on the porch covered in snow, the grill longing for warm summer evenings grilling in the sunset, the swing set covered in snow all lonely and chilled... the hills covered in fluffy snow, but dead at the same time. i'm already dead inside, I don't think I can handle a whole winter with nothing to look forward to. And I don't mean that I don't look forward to every day with my family and my sweet Shade. I always feel like I'm just throwing him to the side. But that's not what I mean. i just mean, I need to be pregnant. for my own psyche.
I held a baby for the first time Friday. It was a coworkers 2 month old little boy. He was so happy and smiley and wiggly and full of life. When he hit my arms, I felt as if my whole body would implode. I literally thought I would burst like a grenade right then and there. Then I looked down at him, looking up at me, and just couldn't do anything but smile as the tears welled up in my eyes. How I imagined that was my Emma, she would've been 2 months, too. I wished so hard I was holding my living Emma. But it didn't work. So I had to hand him back to his momma before I got to emotional. I think about the feeling I felt holding a baby for the first time and it brings me to tears yet again. I just have a hard time with some things. All the emotions from 2 months of anguish came flowing through me in an instant, like an atomic bomb, when he was placed in my arms. I can't imagine how it will feel when my next living child is placed in my arms, hopefully by this time next year. I long for that feeling. The closest I get to it on a daily basis is when I hug Shade, and just squeeze him and am so thankful he's alive and breathing. Sometimes I still lay my head on his chest when he's sleeping to listen to his heart.
That's enough for now... I'm sending myself to a bad place. Gonna go distract myself, I guess.
xoxo
and I wonder... why me? Surely there must've been someone else more deserving of such a tragedy.
I feel like everything I look forward to is just a pipe dream. So far off in to the future, and so unattainable since I have no control over it...
I've had several decent days now. And it has been a decent morning, I've cooked biscuits and bacon for Shade and I, slept in, did some laundry already and am working on more. About to do a quiz for my classes and knock most if not all of my homework out for this week. However, for some reason I just sit to look at pictures, and end up looking at the ones from the OR. Why is it always the OR that gets me? God, I just wish that experience could've been different. I can't wait for the next experience and I pray so hard its with screaming baby cries and warm, beating hearts beneath tiny newborn rib cages and newly inflated lungs.
I feel like this ttc thing should be easier. Like I should already be pregnant again. I've been trying so hard, researching, checking myself, taking all the meds and supplements needed to do the best. I've been trying to stay unstressed and trying to be optimistic for several reasons. And now here I am, at a standstill yet again... not pregnant, not on my period, not ovulating. Wth. Jessi insists that I'm preggo. She's crazy. Not like life would throw me a lemon at this point. Still throwing rotten eggs at me, apparently. Its not like after all that's happened, that I'd actually expect to have life cut me a break.
My mind goes to such stupid places.
Every night before bed, I ask Emma to visit me in my dreams. I always say, if you get lonely and you want Mommy to hold you, visit me in my dreams and I will hold you for as long as I can ... No luck so far. She must not be too lonley, heaven is a wonderful place I assume, where people aren't lonely. Even little babies who never got to meet their families who love them so.
I've never wanted anything so badly. Life works in such strange ways. Some days I feel almost normal. Some days I feel literally so empty, I feel as if the wind will whisk me away as I'm walking. My clothes aren't tight, and it feels wrong. my body is just so confused. I mean, it can't even be a woman and be fertile, its so confused. I felt like I weighed only 10lbs the other day, and not feeling 'small' as in 'skinny' because that is NOT the case. but, feeling empty, rather.
hubby and I had a nice day Saturday in Lexington. We finished up all the Christmas shopping except 2 people. Which we plan to order something for. That is a great thing for us, as I am usually shopping for people in mid-December and result to doing gift sets from bath & body works or VS.
I hope to have a sticky bean in my belly by Christmas this year. I so don't think I can make it through the cold, dead, winter without something to look forward to in regards to expanding our family. I can't look out this kitchen window and see the gate on the porch covered in snow, the grill longing for warm summer evenings grilling in the sunset, the swing set covered in snow all lonely and chilled... the hills covered in fluffy snow, but dead at the same time. i'm already dead inside, I don't think I can handle a whole winter with nothing to look forward to. And I don't mean that I don't look forward to every day with my family and my sweet Shade. I always feel like I'm just throwing him to the side. But that's not what I mean. i just mean, I need to be pregnant. for my own psyche.
I held a baby for the first time Friday. It was a coworkers 2 month old little boy. He was so happy and smiley and wiggly and full of life. When he hit my arms, I felt as if my whole body would implode. I literally thought I would burst like a grenade right then and there. Then I looked down at him, looking up at me, and just couldn't do anything but smile as the tears welled up in my eyes. How I imagined that was my Emma, she would've been 2 months, too. I wished so hard I was holding my living Emma. But it didn't work. So I had to hand him back to his momma before I got to emotional. I think about the feeling I felt holding a baby for the first time and it brings me to tears yet again. I just have a hard time with some things. All the emotions from 2 months of anguish came flowing through me in an instant, like an atomic bomb, when he was placed in my arms. I can't imagine how it will feel when my next living child is placed in my arms, hopefully by this time next year. I long for that feeling. The closest I get to it on a daily basis is when I hug Shade, and just squeeze him and am so thankful he's alive and breathing. Sometimes I still lay my head on his chest when he's sleeping to listen to his heart.
That's enough for now... I'm sending myself to a bad place. Gonna go distract myself, I guess.
xoxo
Comments
Post a Comment