50 (halfway to 100)
50 Tuesdays. That means in 2 weeks, it will be 52 weeks ( a year in theory ) and only 1 day officially away from what should have been Emma's 1st birthday here on earth. Instead, she is spending it in Heaven, and we are without her.
I have a nice little get together planned for her, at the Hyden City Park where we will release balloons and prayer paper, then we plan to go have dinner at the Red Light Café in town. It is going to be me and close family and a few close friends, basically those of who come will be out of the few people who got to come to her graveside service. I don't look for everyone to be able to make it, but hopefully people will show up.
I often wonder how hard I'll take her 1st birthday/angelversary (as we loss moms often term it). I know Christmas eve was really hard for me (and that was just when I found out I was pregnant a year before that) and I literally almost didn't make it through that day. I worked that day too though so I am sure that added to my anxiety and I was still really really fresh into my grief. Not saying that I am not still just as sad, because I always will be, but if you've ever grieved, especially the loss of a loved one, more specifically- a child - you will understand what I mean. I had a panic attack on my way to work (never ever had one previously) and ended up having to hot box like 3 cigarettes, haha. Its not funny, but its unfortunately humorous/sad at this point, in a way. I did not prepare for Christmas eve. I psyched myself out knowing it would be horrible and convinced myself I would have a nervous breakdown, and I did. I don't want her first birthday to be like that, even though it undoubtedly will be emotional for me, I want to keep the mindset of it being a day to celebrate her brief but so meaningful life, and with Isaac's birth planned for only 20 days past her 1 year angelversary, I want to try to stay as calm and collected as possible.
Shade had his first preschool transition day Wednesday. He loved it! He was a bit out of sorts because he had to do things on someone else's time instead of his own but he adapted well. He went to his first actual day alone yesterday (Thursday) and I was told that he did great. He did become very hard to handle afterward considering we dropped him off a bit after 8am, which means he woke up at around 7:15-7:30am, and refused to take a nap because he was at Maggie's house with too many distractions. A suggestion I thought of making was possibly that Maggie take him to my house after his school days that she picks him up until I am off work. So that in hopes he will be 'bored' enough to take a nap. Because I pity the poor person *and it won't be me since I'll be at work if I don't pick him up myself at least for a while until baby boy is born* who has to deal with him after school with no nap having to have woken up early. :P
He is growing up so fast.
Isaac's baby shower is tomorrow at 2pm at the Leslie County Public Library. I am excited to see whoever decides to show up and celebrate the upcoming arrival of our baby boy (praying its a safe and healthy arrival).
I had a high risk appointment Tuesday with the MFM ultrasound technician and Isaac was hiding his face of course, but he weighed approximately 4lb3oz so he is right on track for his gestation. Maybe he won't be too tiny after all. I went to an NST right directly afterward and Shade was so good for me at both appointments. We packed his bag with a few toys, some snacks and juice, and his iPad. We grabbed a bite of lunch for him on the way to the NST which went well. Except at first the only room available of course was 309 which was where I had Emma, and I did NOT want to be in there. Soon as we walked in Shade recognized that it was that room and shouted "Hey! This is where we met baby Emma!!" and that surprised me. The room didn't even have a bed in it, so we were moved- thankfully to 311. He did really well and I went back for another NST today after picking up the cake and cookies from the Mennonite bakery here in Manchester, before I went into work.
I will have another NST after my appt Wednesday if I can manage it, unless I try to do it Tuesday and try to come in Saturday for one again before work. I am supposed to be doing them 2x a week, no more than 4-5 days apart but at least 2 days apart.
So that is all I can currently think of, haha. More later.
xoxo
I have a nice little get together planned for her, at the Hyden City Park where we will release balloons and prayer paper, then we plan to go have dinner at the Red Light Café in town. It is going to be me and close family and a few close friends, basically those of who come will be out of the few people who got to come to her graveside service. I don't look for everyone to be able to make it, but hopefully people will show up.
I often wonder how hard I'll take her 1st birthday/angelversary (as we loss moms often term it). I know Christmas eve was really hard for me (and that was just when I found out I was pregnant a year before that) and I literally almost didn't make it through that day. I worked that day too though so I am sure that added to my anxiety and I was still really really fresh into my grief. Not saying that I am not still just as sad, because I always will be, but if you've ever grieved, especially the loss of a loved one, more specifically- a child - you will understand what I mean. I had a panic attack on my way to work (never ever had one previously) and ended up having to hot box like 3 cigarettes, haha. Its not funny, but its unfortunately humorous/sad at this point, in a way. I did not prepare for Christmas eve. I psyched myself out knowing it would be horrible and convinced myself I would have a nervous breakdown, and I did. I don't want her first birthday to be like that, even though it undoubtedly will be emotional for me, I want to keep the mindset of it being a day to celebrate her brief but so meaningful life, and with Isaac's birth planned for only 20 days past her 1 year angelversary, I want to try to stay as calm and collected as possible.
Shade had his first preschool transition day Wednesday. He loved it! He was a bit out of sorts because he had to do things on someone else's time instead of his own but he adapted well. He went to his first actual day alone yesterday (Thursday) and I was told that he did great. He did become very hard to handle afterward considering we dropped him off a bit after 8am, which means he woke up at around 7:15-7:30am, and refused to take a nap because he was at Maggie's house with too many distractions. A suggestion I thought of making was possibly that Maggie take him to my house after his school days that she picks him up until I am off work. So that in hopes he will be 'bored' enough to take a nap. Because I pity the poor person *and it won't be me since I'll be at work if I don't pick him up myself at least for a while until baby boy is born* who has to deal with him after school with no nap having to have woken up early. :P
He is growing up so fast.
Isaac's baby shower is tomorrow at 2pm at the Leslie County Public Library. I am excited to see whoever decides to show up and celebrate the upcoming arrival of our baby boy (praying its a safe and healthy arrival).
I had a high risk appointment Tuesday with the MFM ultrasound technician and Isaac was hiding his face of course, but he weighed approximately 4lb3oz so he is right on track for his gestation. Maybe he won't be too tiny after all. I went to an NST right directly afterward and Shade was so good for me at both appointments. We packed his bag with a few toys, some snacks and juice, and his iPad. We grabbed a bite of lunch for him on the way to the NST which went well. Except at first the only room available of course was 309 which was where I had Emma, and I did NOT want to be in there. Soon as we walked in Shade recognized that it was that room and shouted "Hey! This is where we met baby Emma!!" and that surprised me. The room didn't even have a bed in it, so we were moved- thankfully to 311. He did really well and I went back for another NST today after picking up the cake and cookies from the Mennonite bakery here in Manchester, before I went into work.
I will have another NST after my appt Wednesday if I can manage it, unless I try to do it Tuesday and try to come in Saturday for one again before work. I am supposed to be doing them 2x a week, no more than 4-5 days apart but at least 2 days apart.
So that is all I can currently think of, haha. More later.
xoxo
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