49, and the 3 before.
I have severely slacked. Like, more than I have ever slacked before, which is saying something.
I will use my most overused excuse phrase; in my defense, I've been busy. I can't blame it on school this time since that's not in the picture for now. But work has been rather tiresome, working 3 shifts in a row with not many off in between and trying to get this house into gear for baby Isaac (I thought we just did this a year ago? Oh wait, we did...) and not to mention all the other random emotional and physical setbacks. Just as an example - Tommy ended up in the ER for yellow jacket stings and was pretty much useless for several days after due to feeling weird and groggy from what may have been a mixture of prednisone and benadryl. He then got sulfuric acid in his eye. Note to self (or Tommy): Don't wear headphones when you're working outside because you can't hear the insects swarming and buzzing around your feet if you do.
Currently, I have a nosey toddler next to me saying "Sharing is the best!" Because he is begging me for my little Debbie cakes. Yes, I am being your typical fatty and sitting on the couch with my laptop when I could be doing something productive, eating junk and drinking soda. I haven't had any caffeine and soda today. So, its time.
This weekend, on my last day off, our water heater decided to kick the bucket. We first of course troubleshooted it to see what it could be. Heating element? Thermostat? Leak? It appeared all things pointed toward the heating element. So Tommy went to the next town over (Hazard) and bought the supplies needed to fix it. It was only about 3pm, so I still had hope for a relaxing day with my boys. Plus, Shade had enjoyed 'helping' his daddy do work around the house.
All of that was set, and my Dad had left since he had came up to help us, and we turned everything back on only to discover a slow leak from the actual tank where it had rusted through. Who knows how long it had been rusted and leaking. Probably the source of our ever high water bill that has been picked apart for years. Anyway, so with that news, I had to call up my grandmother...who ever so kindly let us put a brand new water heater (of the same size since nothing bigger would fit) on her Loew's credit card with 6 month no interest financing. So, I have to pay her back for the $419 water heater over 6 months. Its doable though, and its a necessity for us to have hot water especially with winter coming up. I am hoping everything in this house holds up over the next few months. Or for the next few years even. Our house is 8 years old now, so I suppose things are going to start happening. Last year around this time we dealt with the air conditioning unit going out for the 2nd time that year. At which point we gave up and bought a window air conditioner and suffered in many ways. Tommy went a couple more towns over (London) to get the water heater and it was installed and functional by about 9pm. By that time, I had so much else to do, I had to fold a load of laundry that I had washed and dried earlier so that we would have clean work clothes for the week, and had to put the freshly washed and dried sheets back on the bed since the old water heater had made it smell like burnt electric wires in our room (what made me notice something was bad wrong for sure). I febrezed all the clothes in the closet and the curtains and washed the bed clothes, ha. The day before that I had scrubbed the bathroom from the floor to my waist with clorox wipes while Shade was bathing (which was when I noticed the water heater wasn't lasting very long with its heat). I call that a small bout of nesting. But everything was cleaned up and corrected and all was set and ready to work properly...at the end of the night, the end of our days off. Sigh.
Anyway, so this week, we entered the 31st week of pregnancy with Isaac. He is growing well and has some major chubby cheeks like his big sister and lips just like hers and a nose that resembles hers as well. I start my twice weekly NSTs on Tuesday after I see the MFM doctor's tech for a growth scan. Then I go back again on the 26th for my regular biweekly OB appointment, and at that point since I'll be 33 weeks and 4 weeks from delivery, he will start seeing me weekly along with those twice weekly NSTs.
Shade's first day of preschool, a transition day is Wednesday! 6 days from now. I get to stay with him for that day and see how he does. I know he'll do fine. His first actual day is the 24th where he'll go and stay all day like a big boy. I ordered him his first set of 'back to school' clothes. Where has the time gone? I ordered 3 pairs of jeans, 5 long sleeve tees, some more socks, and a hoodie to start out with. I am very excited for him because I know he will love it, being the charmer and people person he is, but I am sad at the same time because my mornings off work typically go something like this....
-Sleep in til at least 9am
-Slowly, very slowly get up and brush some toddler teeth, and make some breakfast for the both of us.
-Piddle around on the computer while we eat and maybe do some coloring.
Follow the rest of the day with whatever cleaning, organizing, or whatever I end up doing around the house or wherever we need/want to go for the rest of the day. Today I worked on some baby shower decor (jars with burlap wrapped around them) which required me to use a hot glue gun. Not so pretty.
I still have the same thoughts I had around this time of the year last year as we round the corner to Emma's first birthday (20 days from now) about sharing my Shadey. I have to think things happen for a reason but then again, do they? I was worried how I was going to figure out how to balance the two of them in my heart. Now I just wish that I had that problem here on earth, that I didn't have to mother one child here and one child in Heaven, and one child who is still unborn. I don't necessarily wonder how I'll love two children like I did before, because I have since experienced this love...just not how it was supposed to be. But, instead, I wonder about the whole situation in general. I will have more alone time with Isaac to bond, rest, get to know him, that I wouldn't otherwise have. That will be nice, however I love my sunshine boy so much that I don't even want him to go stay anywhere or go anywhere else with anyone when I'm around to keep him here. I just in fact turned my mother down today to take him with her to Hazard because I only have 2 days off from work.
I am however, looking forward to being off work, as I will still get plenty of time with my boy. I figure while he's at school from 8am-1pm, I will have time to do housework and organizing in the few weeks before Isaac gets here if I am home. Once he is here, I will at least not be so rushed to do much other than pick him up (which can be done anytime between 1pm and 3pm so if we're not right 'on time' its no big deal) since I have a newborn at home which I am sure will be difficult since it's been over 4 years since I've had one, then add a toddler to it, who as we all know likes to stall, stall, stall if he notices we have to be on time somewhere, haha.
I hope to have at least 8 weeks off. Speaking of being off work...I am in a major reorganizing situation in my brain, and financial life, trying to re-work our whole way of living and working to support me being able to be a stay at home mom for a few years. Not that I don't love my job - Because I do. And my co-workers, and I plan to try to stay PRN and work a shift or two a month. But...I have worked and went to school non-stop never having a break except for 6 months when I was pregnant with Emma last year since I was 17 years old. That's 13 years. I deserve a break. I feel like I could be so much more useful to my family if I wasn't gone all the time and trying to juggle my time and attention between 32498 things, working my rump off, and STILL struggling to keep the vehicles on the road sometimes with as expensive as everything is. I could cook dinner for my family. I could keep the house as clean as I wanted it. I could pick up and drop off my child from school and help him with homework and be there for him, and nurture my infant at home and breastfeed him and watch him grow like a mother should be able to. I could be a better wife to my husband because my focus would be on our family and us and not everything else. Not that I don't love the admiration of being an RN, from my child who asks me if I'm a doctor like he literally just did...when I put a band aid on his little foot because he's a clumsy little feller. And from other people who look up on our profession, and from days like yesterday when I really feel like I can and do make a difference in people's lives. Which is why I would not want to completely quit nursing at any point, and would still like to pursue my master's in nursing and specialize. But my FAMILY'S lives are the most important to me. I know there is nothing wrong with a working mother, and I know no other thing. These are all things that go through my mind when I think about staying at home. Of course we like a lot of people have financial burdens that don't allow me to stay home without making a major change in our resources. A downgrade if you will. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who even though doesn't necessarily get excited about downgrading certain things, supports it to help our family. So I am praying these opportunities will happen for us and we will be able to do this and live comfortably.
Losing Emma has made me rethink my whole life, and especially in this time where I am re-entering the same scenario that I entered almost a full year ago when I lost her. I think about what is really important? Is it money and having all these fancy things and a huge house that I can't even keep up? Maybe at some point. Is it about having 2-3 vehicles and being able to just go and do as you please? Yeah that'd be nice. And I think its doable, but only over time and not without hard work at saving money toward a certain goal. Without Emma, I would have never thought about this. I would have never considered it. Its just another way she's still teaching me lessons in her absence. I feel she guides me to my decisions about life in a certain direction, even when I think its impossible.
Previously I have never heard "Emma Caroline" except when I named my sweet girl. But this popped up on my two sweet baby-loss mom's news feed and they both sent it to me (Mandy & Michelle).
Of course it was back to school, representing some little girl who would go to school, graduate, etc - things my Emma Caroline will never get to do. But the fact it popped up like this on two different people's feeds and not even my own, and she still got to me somehow...she was trying to say hello. I had a nightmare about her the other night. I always ask every night as I kiss her photo good night after looking through my reel of my favorite pics of her, if she will please come visit me in my dreams. She has not yet. But this dream she did but it was not a good dream. I refused to believe that was her, but only my nervous subconscious and maybe even the devil sticking his nose in my business. I know when SHE comes, I'll know it was HER. Like Sarah said (another loss mom friend of mine who is traveling the rainbow pregnancy journey with me) I will know it is her. Not even 2 nights later, Michelle dreamt about Abby & Emma. And that was just confirmation to us that they know each other. We have to find comfort in these things.
Rounding the corner to 50 Tuesdays... and many other things.
Love and miss my baby girl <3
I will use my most overused excuse phrase; in my defense, I've been busy. I can't blame it on school this time since that's not in the picture for now. But work has been rather tiresome, working 3 shifts in a row with not many off in between and trying to get this house into gear for baby Isaac (I thought we just did this a year ago? Oh wait, we did...) and not to mention all the other random emotional and physical setbacks. Just as an example - Tommy ended up in the ER for yellow jacket stings and was pretty much useless for several days after due to feeling weird and groggy from what may have been a mixture of prednisone and benadryl. He then got sulfuric acid in his eye. Note to self (or Tommy): Don't wear headphones when you're working outside because you can't hear the insects swarming and buzzing around your feet if you do.
Currently, I have a nosey toddler next to me saying "Sharing is the best!" Because he is begging me for my little Debbie cakes. Yes, I am being your typical fatty and sitting on the couch with my laptop when I could be doing something productive, eating junk and drinking soda. I haven't had any caffeine and soda today. So, its time.
This weekend, on my last day off, our water heater decided to kick the bucket. We first of course troubleshooted it to see what it could be. Heating element? Thermostat? Leak? It appeared all things pointed toward the heating element. So Tommy went to the next town over (Hazard) and bought the supplies needed to fix it. It was only about 3pm, so I still had hope for a relaxing day with my boys. Plus, Shade had enjoyed 'helping' his daddy do work around the house.
All of that was set, and my Dad had left since he had came up to help us, and we turned everything back on only to discover a slow leak from the actual tank where it had rusted through. Who knows how long it had been rusted and leaking. Probably the source of our ever high water bill that has been picked apart for years. Anyway, so with that news, I had to call up my grandmother...who ever so kindly let us put a brand new water heater (of the same size since nothing bigger would fit) on her Loew's credit card with 6 month no interest financing. So, I have to pay her back for the $419 water heater over 6 months. Its doable though, and its a necessity for us to have hot water especially with winter coming up. I am hoping everything in this house holds up over the next few months. Or for the next few years even. Our house is 8 years old now, so I suppose things are going to start happening. Last year around this time we dealt with the air conditioning unit going out for the 2nd time that year. At which point we gave up and bought a window air conditioner and suffered in many ways. Tommy went a couple more towns over (London) to get the water heater and it was installed and functional by about 9pm. By that time, I had so much else to do, I had to fold a load of laundry that I had washed and dried earlier so that we would have clean work clothes for the week, and had to put the freshly washed and dried sheets back on the bed since the old water heater had made it smell like burnt electric wires in our room (what made me notice something was bad wrong for sure). I febrezed all the clothes in the closet and the curtains and washed the bed clothes, ha. The day before that I had scrubbed the bathroom from the floor to my waist with clorox wipes while Shade was bathing (which was when I noticed the water heater wasn't lasting very long with its heat). I call that a small bout of nesting. But everything was cleaned up and corrected and all was set and ready to work properly...at the end of the night, the end of our days off. Sigh.
Shade's first day of preschool, a transition day is Wednesday! 6 days from now. I get to stay with him for that day and see how he does. I know he'll do fine. His first actual day is the 24th where he'll go and stay all day like a big boy. I ordered him his first set of 'back to school' clothes. Where has the time gone? I ordered 3 pairs of jeans, 5 long sleeve tees, some more socks, and a hoodie to start out with. I am very excited for him because I know he will love it, being the charmer and people person he is, but I am sad at the same time because my mornings off work typically go something like this....
-Sleep in til at least 9am
-Slowly, very slowly get up and brush some toddler teeth, and make some breakfast for the both of us.
-Piddle around on the computer while we eat and maybe do some coloring.
I still have the same thoughts I had around this time of the year last year as we round the corner to Emma's first birthday (20 days from now) about sharing my Shadey. I have to think things happen for a reason but then again, do they? I was worried how I was going to figure out how to balance the two of them in my heart. Now I just wish that I had that problem here on earth, that I didn't have to mother one child here and one child in Heaven, and one child who is still unborn. I don't necessarily wonder how I'll love two children like I did before, because I have since experienced this love...just not how it was supposed to be. But, instead, I wonder about the whole situation in general. I will have more alone time with Isaac to bond, rest, get to know him, that I wouldn't otherwise have. That will be nice, however I love my sunshine boy so much that I don't even want him to go stay anywhere or go anywhere else with anyone when I'm around to keep him here. I just in fact turned my mother down today to take him with her to Hazard because I only have 2 days off from work.
I am however, looking forward to being off work, as I will still get plenty of time with my boy. I figure while he's at school from 8am-1pm, I will have time to do housework and organizing in the few weeks before Isaac gets here if I am home. Once he is here, I will at least not be so rushed to do much other than pick him up (which can be done anytime between 1pm and 3pm so if we're not right 'on time' its no big deal) since I have a newborn at home which I am sure will be difficult since it's been over 4 years since I've had one, then add a toddler to it, who as we all know likes to stall, stall, stall if he notices we have to be on time somewhere, haha.
I hope to have at least 8 weeks off. Speaking of being off work...I am in a major reorganizing situation in my brain, and financial life, trying to re-work our whole way of living and working to support me being able to be a stay at home mom for a few years. Not that I don't love my job - Because I do. And my co-workers, and I plan to try to stay PRN and work a shift or two a month. But...I have worked and went to school non-stop never having a break except for 6 months when I was pregnant with Emma last year since I was 17 years old. That's 13 years. I deserve a break. I feel like I could be so much more useful to my family if I wasn't gone all the time and trying to juggle my time and attention between 32498 things, working my rump off, and STILL struggling to keep the vehicles on the road sometimes with as expensive as everything is. I could cook dinner for my family. I could keep the house as clean as I wanted it. I could pick up and drop off my child from school and help him with homework and be there for him, and nurture my infant at home and breastfeed him and watch him grow like a mother should be able to. I could be a better wife to my husband because my focus would be on our family and us and not everything else. Not that I don't love the admiration of being an RN, from my child who asks me if I'm a doctor like he literally just did...when I put a band aid on his little foot because he's a clumsy little feller. And from other people who look up on our profession, and from days like yesterday when I really feel like I can and do make a difference in people's lives. Which is why I would not want to completely quit nursing at any point, and would still like to pursue my master's in nursing and specialize. But my FAMILY'S lives are the most important to me. I know there is nothing wrong with a working mother, and I know no other thing. These are all things that go through my mind when I think about staying at home. Of course we like a lot of people have financial burdens that don't allow me to stay home without making a major change in our resources. A downgrade if you will. Luckily, I have a wonderful husband who even though doesn't necessarily get excited about downgrading certain things, supports it to help our family. So I am praying these opportunities will happen for us and we will be able to do this and live comfortably.
Losing Emma has made me rethink my whole life, and especially in this time where I am re-entering the same scenario that I entered almost a full year ago when I lost her. I think about what is really important? Is it money and having all these fancy things and a huge house that I can't even keep up? Maybe at some point. Is it about having 2-3 vehicles and being able to just go and do as you please? Yeah that'd be nice. And I think its doable, but only over time and not without hard work at saving money toward a certain goal. Without Emma, I would have never thought about this. I would have never considered it. Its just another way she's still teaching me lessons in her absence. I feel she guides me to my decisions about life in a certain direction, even when I think its impossible.
Previously I have never heard "Emma Caroline" except when I named my sweet girl. But this popped up on my two sweet baby-loss mom's news feed and they both sent it to me (Mandy & Michelle).
Of course it was back to school, representing some little girl who would go to school, graduate, etc - things my Emma Caroline will never get to do. But the fact it popped up like this on two different people's feeds and not even my own, and she still got to me somehow...she was trying to say hello. I had a nightmare about her the other night. I always ask every night as I kiss her photo good night after looking through my reel of my favorite pics of her, if she will please come visit me in my dreams. She has not yet. But this dream she did but it was not a good dream. I refused to believe that was her, but only my nervous subconscious and maybe even the devil sticking his nose in my business. I know when SHE comes, I'll know it was HER. Like Sarah said (another loss mom friend of mine who is traveling the rainbow pregnancy journey with me) I will know it is her. Not even 2 nights later, Michelle dreamt about Abby & Emma. And that was just confirmation to us that they know each other. We have to find comfort in these things.
Rounding the corner to 50 Tuesdays... and many other things.
Love and miss my baby girl <3
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