43, 10 months, another holiday passed
So the 43rd Tuesday came and went 4 days ago, while I was at work, running my pregnant legs off. Then, what should have been 10 months here on Earth for Emma, but instead it was marked as 10 months in Heaven for her and us without her presence here. Shade and I went to Salon 80 for a hair cut for him and color for me. I have been growing my hair for 3 years and some odd months from a very short cut. It was about 2" past my bra strap. I had a LOT of it cut off, probably 6-7" in the front and 8+" in the back. I just randomly got excited about having 'new hair' not just color, as the color and trim was already done and I was literally just waiting to get it dried and go home while Shade was getting his hair cut. I took the fact that I was excited and got stoked about getting a hair cut as a sign that it was time to 'let it go'. I haven't had a hard time with it thus far, and I am hoping I don't, because I really like it. we still have some work to do on the color and the cut itself, as its a drastic angle that we haven't 100% achieved yet. Sometimes I get anxiety because I remember I can't pile it on top of my head, I have little use for my headbands, and some of my hair ties now and I can't just slap it in a side pony or braid and go on... not so sure about that yet and like many other things I've lost, I kind of have to ignore all the pretty long haired posts because I'm not sure how I feel about that yet lol, but overall I am pleased and it was very liberating for the most part and I can't wait to work with it.
Sometimes I think even by this way, on Emma's 10 month birthday, she would send me a sign that it was okay to let go and let loose for a minute, to let loose of the security blanket I had been holding on to for so long, that really had nothing to do with her, other than the huge growth spurt my hair had when I was pregnant with her, now all gone into the trash. My hair had hit a stalemate, not really having any noticeable growth for a while since it was so long. It had gotten ridiculously long for me and long hair had kind of became my 'thing', and I was experimenting more with braids and things but was kind of bored and had been for a while but wouldn't even consider cutting it because for some reason it just wasn't an option, then one day it was like it just was.
The 4th of July Holiday is here which signifies yet another holiday without her. Time keeps moving on even though most days it feels like it has slowed to a crawl.
We are 25 weeks pregnant this week with no interesting milestones and nothing of significance to report. I have an appointment next week on Wednesday for my 1 hour glucose test (not excited) and of course I'll get to see Isaac on the big screen. Hopefully he has fattened up some more and I can get some good 3D pics to show off. Also hoping we get the official results of our anatomy scan from the high risk doc. I then have plans to pick up some pulled pork in Manchester to munch on since I won't have been able to eat at that point, then head to London for a legal appointment, and a good ole spray tan. lol.
We went to the falls last weekend; and it was very enjoyable. It was a monsoon but it cleared up right before we got to the falls and was not hot or muggy but beautiful. Tommy took Shade to the restroom and for a short while I was standing by myself, and I felt Emma close to me. I feel her close to me in the most different of places. Still water below me, waterfall to the left of me, and sun beaming down on top of me, warming the mist and droplets from the waterfall that was raging and aggressive and just uncontrollable, but only a short distance after, complete peace and stillness. Quite like the journey of life. So much rage and fear and feeling uncontrollable, leads to peace and calm.
I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I finished my final assessment/assignment for my Nursing Assessment class on Thursday. I just finished the last actual module for Statistics just then. All that is left is the final exam, and submitting my final work on the paper we've been working on over the summer semester, which is due Friday instead of the usual Sunday at 5pm, because the official end of the summer semester is July 10th. I've been excited to see this week come just because it marks a significant end to my classes - my BSN will be 100% complete (barring I pass these two classes lol) and I won't be going to school in the fall, as I am taking a short break to have Isaac and rest my brain some. I've been in school continuously with NO breaks since January 2011. Now to figure out how to pay for this semester so they will let me start my master's in January and to defer my student loan some more. Ahhh, debt.
We made a plan to add on to the back of the house for now, a bathroom, making the laundry area a huge linen closet, and the bathroom the new laundry room until we get things lined out to build the upstairs on. This might be something we can do little by little if everything works out. I drew a very poorly drawn blueprint. Lots of work to do on Shade and Isaac's room with plans of repainting but I am just not sure it's going to happen before he gets here, the painting anyway. I plan to go ahead and move the crib (well, to get Tommy to) back in there as well since there is no sign of Shade wanting to sleep in it as a toddler bed, and Isaac will be in the co-sleeper for quite some time. Other than that, putting the car seat cover on his (Emma's) car seat, we are ready for baby boy to make his arrival on September 22nd (praying we keep that date).
This morning right before I woke up I was dreaming about having Isaac. The only other dream I ever had about actually having a baby was the dream I had right before my appointment with Emma that was NOT a good dream, and I feel was God trying to warn me of what was to come. It was very rushed because I must've been about to wake up - but I was in OR and they handed him to me the same way they handed Emma to me, and he was crying and pink and alive... and I placed him on my chest and he just snuggled and was content. It was so similar to Emma's birth except it was not silent. He was alive and well... and then the dream abruptly ended with me wondering whether or not they let me keep holding him. I don't remember what he looked like except that it didn't matter, that I thought he was the most beautiful thing. The more I reflect on it, the more he looked exactly like her- but it was different. I only got a glimpse. Who knows what that dream meant. Was I trying to fix her birth or was it him being born alive?
Either way, regardless of what the dream ends up being... it all started with love, and it will always end that way.
Happy 10 months sweet baby girl <3 Don't know how we make it without you, but I know you are always close, yet so far away. Less than 2 months til you should have been celebrating your 1 year birthday. Who knows what we would've been doing? Who knows who we would've been; better yet, who YOU would've been? Would you have taken after your big brother and be walking already? Or would you be a lazy butt and still only crawling. I still see you in the littlest of things; rain drops settling on the mimosa tree next to the kitchen window. Shaking off because a little hummingbird decided to come and have a drink from the flower. Always the calmest, tiniest, little dainty and delicate things remind me of you. <3
Sometimes I think even by this way, on Emma's 10 month birthday, she would send me a sign that it was okay to let go and let loose for a minute, to let loose of the security blanket I had been holding on to for so long, that really had nothing to do with her, other than the huge growth spurt my hair had when I was pregnant with her, now all gone into the trash. My hair had hit a stalemate, not really having any noticeable growth for a while since it was so long. It had gotten ridiculously long for me and long hair had kind of became my 'thing', and I was experimenting more with braids and things but was kind of bored and had been for a while but wouldn't even consider cutting it because for some reason it just wasn't an option, then one day it was like it just was.
The 4th of July Holiday is here which signifies yet another holiday without her. Time keeps moving on even though most days it feels like it has slowed to a crawl.
We are 25 weeks pregnant this week with no interesting milestones and nothing of significance to report. I have an appointment next week on Wednesday for my 1 hour glucose test (not excited) and of course I'll get to see Isaac on the big screen. Hopefully he has fattened up some more and I can get some good 3D pics to show off. Also hoping we get the official results of our anatomy scan from the high risk doc. I then have plans to pick up some pulled pork in Manchester to munch on since I won't have been able to eat at that point, then head to London for a legal appointment, and a good ole spray tan. lol.
We went to the falls last weekend; and it was very enjoyable. It was a monsoon but it cleared up right before we got to the falls and was not hot or muggy but beautiful. Tommy took Shade to the restroom and for a short while I was standing by myself, and I felt Emma close to me. I feel her close to me in the most different of places. Still water below me, waterfall to the left of me, and sun beaming down on top of me, warming the mist and droplets from the waterfall that was raging and aggressive and just uncontrollable, but only a short distance after, complete peace and stillness. Quite like the journey of life. So much rage and fear and feeling uncontrollable, leads to peace and calm.
I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, I finished my final assessment/assignment for my Nursing Assessment class on Thursday. I just finished the last actual module for Statistics just then. All that is left is the final exam, and submitting my final work on the paper we've been working on over the summer semester, which is due Friday instead of the usual Sunday at 5pm, because the official end of the summer semester is July 10th. I've been excited to see this week come just because it marks a significant end to my classes - my BSN will be 100% complete (barring I pass these two classes lol) and I won't be going to school in the fall, as I am taking a short break to have Isaac and rest my brain some. I've been in school continuously with NO breaks since January 2011. Now to figure out how to pay for this semester so they will let me start my master's in January and to defer my student loan some more. Ahhh, debt.
We made a plan to add on to the back of the house for now, a bathroom, making the laundry area a huge linen closet, and the bathroom the new laundry room until we get things lined out to build the upstairs on. This might be something we can do little by little if everything works out. I drew a very poorly drawn blueprint. Lots of work to do on Shade and Isaac's room with plans of repainting but I am just not sure it's going to happen before he gets here, the painting anyway. I plan to go ahead and move the crib (well, to get Tommy to) back in there as well since there is no sign of Shade wanting to sleep in it as a toddler bed, and Isaac will be in the co-sleeper for quite some time. Other than that, putting the car seat cover on his (Emma's) car seat, we are ready for baby boy to make his arrival on September 22nd (praying we keep that date).
This morning right before I woke up I was dreaming about having Isaac. The only other dream I ever had about actually having a baby was the dream I had right before my appointment with Emma that was NOT a good dream, and I feel was God trying to warn me of what was to come. It was very rushed because I must've been about to wake up - but I was in OR and they handed him to me the same way they handed Emma to me, and he was crying and pink and alive... and I placed him on my chest and he just snuggled and was content. It was so similar to Emma's birth except it was not silent. He was alive and well... and then the dream abruptly ended with me wondering whether or not they let me keep holding him. I don't remember what he looked like except that it didn't matter, that I thought he was the most beautiful thing. The more I reflect on it, the more he looked exactly like her- but it was different. I only got a glimpse. Who knows what that dream meant. Was I trying to fix her birth or was it him being born alive?
Happy 10 months sweet baby girl <3 Don't know how we make it without you, but I know you are always close, yet so far away. Less than 2 months til you should have been celebrating your 1 year birthday. Who knows what we would've been doing? Who knows who we would've been; better yet, who YOU would've been? Would you have taken after your big brother and be walking already? Or would you be a lazy butt and still only crawling. I still see you in the littlest of things; rain drops settling on the mimosa tree next to the kitchen window. Shaking off because a little hummingbird decided to come and have a drink from the flower. Always the calmest, tiniest, little dainty and delicate things remind me of you. <3
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