Forty-Two Tuesdays / Heartbroken Community
So here we are, 42 Tuesdays later.
So many horrible, sad things happening in our little community. A friend of my brother's who he graduated with passed away from a car accident a few days ago. They buried her Saturday. She was 22, just had a baby a mere 3.5 weeks ago that she struggled with HEG and blood clots throughout her pregnancy which was rough on her. She was simply going to town, lost control of her car, and was t-boned by another driver (nobody at fault, the roads were damp) and she died at the scene. I have different feelings about this. She was a very religious, Godly young woman. I know without a doubt she walked through Heaven's gates the moment her soul left her earthly shell. No doubt about it. But to leave something so precious here on Earth. Like a friend and I, Dylan, were discussing during one of our frequent after midnight facebook chat sessions-- I am sure Heaven is beautiful, beyond measure. But so is life here on Earth when you have a child. Having to watch your new baby boy grow from so far away. I know her pain, being so far from her child, except I don't get to watch over Emma, she watches over me. Either way we both wait a lifetime to see our children again. I also know her mother's pain, in a sense. No, I didn't spend 22 years with Emma, but she lives in my heart just as I had.
Its like the constant decisions those of us who have lost a child make on a daily basis. A bit different. I'm sure there was a crash and she BAM! Woke up in Heaven. Confused and foggy headed, she thinks how beautiful a sight it is. All of her passed loved ones standing to greet her, but then a flood, what am I doing here? No! Wait! Not this soon...Not now...Not yet...But Heaven is so beautiful you can't even fathom coming back.
I have something so beautiful waiting on me. Something so beautiful here to stay for. I won't lie that in dark times, the only thing that kept me from gravitating toward what's waiting on me in Heaven was what's left here on Earth. Its like someone's playing tug of war with your heart.
Its often argued, someone's time here on Earth was "up"...or they believe their job was done. It was her time. Maybe it was...but sometimes "that time" isn't so timely to everyone else. There's never a good time to lose a loved one, especially a parent or a child. Its similar to the "God needed another angel" phrase. That's easy to say, if God didn't ask for YOUR angel.
Or..."Everything happens for a reason." Does it though? DOES IT??? I'm sorry, but there's no reason good enough for me to be to just be like "Ohhhh okay, that sounds legit, here ya go, take Emma now, I'm good!" Just no. I'm sure all child / baby loss Moms can relate to that. Its all a little faith and theory based on a little faith. I'm sure there's a reason. But we won't be able to see it until far too late. Until maybe we get to Heaven if we are so lucky to do so. That's hindsight like much else is.
It makes much more sense when its someone who's suffering. Someone who's lead a long life. Not when its an innocent baby or a younger person yet to experience the best parts of life. Sometimes maybe God takes people to save them from experiencing a life full of pain, tears, heartache, sickness, etc. Maybe some babies or younger children/people are destined for that and God is doing them a favor. However, we will never know this in our earthly life.
I think it just hurts our hearts to know that there are 23498 other people who seem more fitted for death than someone like her. Someone like Emma.
Rest In Peace
Marina Kimbrelle Hacker-Lee
I'll leave those photos there in memory of a sweet, kind soul gone too soon. Hopefully her mother will stumble across this blog and find comfort in the fact that her loss has too affected someone else and that there are people who know how she feels.
---
Anyhow, aside from the recap of a very inspiring and through provoked conversation.
My last OBGYN appt went well. I did not receive the results from the MFM that we so desired, but, hopefully on July 8th we will. Isaac was snoozing during the ultrasound but is as cute as ever.
I take my 1 hour GTT then and I dread that. I am 24 weeks today, which is the "stage of viability" which simply means that if something were to happen and Isaac had to arrive anytime after this point, medical intervention could be taken and he could be shipped to a NICU to be cared for until he was big enough to come home. Not that we want that to happen. We want him to bake for 13 more weeks. However, it is a milestone and a huge hump that baby loss / pregnancy loss mamas tend to want to get over because it does take a small weight off your shoulders.
The New York Times did an article on stillbirth. Props to them for helping us break the silence.
Here is a link to that; called "The Silence of Stillbirth"
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/06/22/the-silence-of-stillbirth/?_r=0
I can attest to you that the silence in the delivery room / OR after a stillbirth is the most deafening silence I hope that you who are reading this never has to hear.
I finally got around to editing two photos that I really wanted to take at the beach. I had a dream one night before I even conceived Isaac, of me and Shade standing @ the beach, (keep in mind we hadn't even planned on going to the beach this year at this point) and me holding my pregnant belly with our rainbow baby in tow, and Emma's sweet name written in the sand by the water. So I attempted to create this photo. It wasn't perfect, and I had to acquire help from my Eastern Kentucky Photographer's club for ideas on how to perfect the photo to the best I could; but here they are.
This second one was just a snapshot I ended up getting. Someone said it looked like Shade was playing with "someone" and it might be Emma... just as a nice thought. I like that thought, I really do. I'd like to think he carries her with him, just like me. Although I truly wish that was her sitting next to him in the sand smiling up at him like siblings do.
We did decide to have a shower for Isaac. August 22 at 2pm at the Leslie County Library. I made us a registry, if anyone reading this is interested, by no means necessary, just figured I'd write it in here just in case. https://www.walmart.com/lists/view-baby-registry-items?id=b010a433-0180-4977-ab0c-1a2374855560
We hope to celebrate his impending safe arrival that day, exactly 4 weeks before he is arriving.
Homework is killing me. I just spent an hour and a half doing one little portion of what's due Sunday. My schedule is all wonky this week as well, which cuts into my homework time majorly. I did this week's nursing homework AND next week's ahead of time for that reason, but the statistics is so lengthy and workload heavy, I could only do part of it. Upside, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's only 2 more weeks of classes and no "final papers" really just the regular stuff. Then I can take a break from school til January at the soonest for when I start my Master's program, if that's in the cards for me.
I spent a few minutes alone at the graveyard yesterday evening right before dark, after doing a photo shoot. It was nice to go alone, to check up on the progress that my Dad and Tommy have been making on the retainer wall we wanted built on the left side of her grave. I repeatedly tell myself how much bs it is that I have to visit her at a graveyard...or well, her memorial. That pill never gets any easier to swallow.
I hope these next 2 weeks go by quickly, til July 8 so I can see Isaac again, and get that GTT over with.
I have a daytrip out with my boys planned for Saturday, hopefully that goes well. I also have tons around the house planned to do but no clue if and when they will get accomplished..story of my life. Everything is kind of on hold for now due to the fact that homework is encompassing every off day I have pretty much to some extent. Maybe after that I can catch everything up that I've been neglecting since vacation (yes the suitcase still sits in the hall not unpacked) and since summer classes started.
June is almost all but over with. I know Summer has just started, and I love summer, but it is all ticking away quickly. Just like I remember saying LAST summer when I was pregnant with Emma... I hate wishing summer away, but I am eager to get this baby into the world safely. I never had that fear last time, I just assumed that the end of my pregnancy would bring me a screaming, live baby, like everyone else gets. Now, I just hope for everything to end as it 'should'.
No more fall babies. Seriously. My next child will be born early Spring at the LATEST. I am not spending another hot summer pregnant (lol) and wishing away summer. I will spend it with a tiny baby and my other kiddos hopefully.
My work week starts over again tomorrow with 3 more shifts, the last of them being an OT day.
Lets get it over with!!
xoxo
So many horrible, sad things happening in our little community. A friend of my brother's who he graduated with passed away from a car accident a few days ago. They buried her Saturday. She was 22, just had a baby a mere 3.5 weeks ago that she struggled with HEG and blood clots throughout her pregnancy which was rough on her. She was simply going to town, lost control of her car, and was t-boned by another driver (nobody at fault, the roads were damp) and she died at the scene. I have different feelings about this. She was a very religious, Godly young woman. I know without a doubt she walked through Heaven's gates the moment her soul left her earthly shell. No doubt about it. But to leave something so precious here on Earth. Like a friend and I, Dylan, were discussing during one of our frequent after midnight facebook chat sessions-- I am sure Heaven is beautiful, beyond measure. But so is life here on Earth when you have a child. Having to watch your new baby boy grow from so far away. I know her pain, being so far from her child, except I don't get to watch over Emma, she watches over me. Either way we both wait a lifetime to see our children again. I also know her mother's pain, in a sense. No, I didn't spend 22 years with Emma, but she lives in my heart just as I had.
Its like the constant decisions those of us who have lost a child make on a daily basis. A bit different. I'm sure there was a crash and she BAM! Woke up in Heaven. Confused and foggy headed, she thinks how beautiful a sight it is. All of her passed loved ones standing to greet her, but then a flood, what am I doing here? No! Wait! Not this soon...Not now...Not yet...But Heaven is so beautiful you can't even fathom coming back.
I have something so beautiful waiting on me. Something so beautiful here to stay for. I won't lie that in dark times, the only thing that kept me from gravitating toward what's waiting on me in Heaven was what's left here on Earth. Its like someone's playing tug of war with your heart.
Its often argued, someone's time here on Earth was "up"...or they believe their job was done. It was her time. Maybe it was...but sometimes "that time" isn't so timely to everyone else. There's never a good time to lose a loved one, especially a parent or a child. Its similar to the "God needed another angel" phrase. That's easy to say, if God didn't ask for YOUR angel.
Or..."Everything happens for a reason." Does it though? DOES IT??? I'm sorry, but there's no reason good enough for me to be to just be like "Ohhhh okay, that sounds legit, here ya go, take Emma now, I'm good!" Just no. I'm sure all child / baby loss Moms can relate to that. Its all a little faith and theory based on a little faith. I'm sure there's a reason. But we won't be able to see it until far too late. Until maybe we get to Heaven if we are so lucky to do so. That's hindsight like much else is.
It makes much more sense when its someone who's suffering. Someone who's lead a long life. Not when its an innocent baby or a younger person yet to experience the best parts of life. Sometimes maybe God takes people to save them from experiencing a life full of pain, tears, heartache, sickness, etc. Maybe some babies or younger children/people are destined for that and God is doing them a favor. However, we will never know this in our earthly life.
I think it just hurts our hearts to know that there are 23498 other people who seem more fitted for death than someone like her. Someone like Emma.
Rest In Peace
Marina Kimbrelle Hacker-Lee
---
Anyhow, aside from the recap of a very inspiring and through provoked conversation.
My last OBGYN appt went well. I did not receive the results from the MFM that we so desired, but, hopefully on July 8th we will. Isaac was snoozing during the ultrasound but is as cute as ever.
I take my 1 hour GTT then and I dread that. I am 24 weeks today, which is the "stage of viability" which simply means that if something were to happen and Isaac had to arrive anytime after this point, medical intervention could be taken and he could be shipped to a NICU to be cared for until he was big enough to come home. Not that we want that to happen. We want him to bake for 13 more weeks. However, it is a milestone and a huge hump that baby loss / pregnancy loss mamas tend to want to get over because it does take a small weight off your shoulders.
The New York Times did an article on stillbirth. Props to them for helping us break the silence.
Here is a link to that; called "The Silence of Stillbirth"
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2015/06/22/the-silence-of-stillbirth/?_r=0
I can attest to you that the silence in the delivery room / OR after a stillbirth is the most deafening silence I hope that you who are reading this never has to hear.
We hope to celebrate his impending safe arrival that day, exactly 4 weeks before he is arriving.
Homework is killing me. I just spent an hour and a half doing one little portion of what's due Sunday. My schedule is all wonky this week as well, which cuts into my homework time majorly. I did this week's nursing homework AND next week's ahead of time for that reason, but the statistics is so lengthy and workload heavy, I could only do part of it. Upside, I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, there's only 2 more weeks of classes and no "final papers" really just the regular stuff. Then I can take a break from school til January at the soonest for when I start my Master's program, if that's in the cards for me.
I spent a few minutes alone at the graveyard yesterday evening right before dark, after doing a photo shoot. It was nice to go alone, to check up on the progress that my Dad and Tommy have been making on the retainer wall we wanted built on the left side of her grave. I repeatedly tell myself how much bs it is that I have to visit her at a graveyard...or well, her memorial. That pill never gets any easier to swallow.
I hope these next 2 weeks go by quickly, til July 8 so I can see Isaac again, and get that GTT over with.
I have a daytrip out with my boys planned for Saturday, hopefully that goes well. I also have tons around the house planned to do but no clue if and when they will get accomplished..story of my life. Everything is kind of on hold for now due to the fact that homework is encompassing every off day I have pretty much to some extent. Maybe after that I can catch everything up that I've been neglecting since vacation (yes the suitcase still sits in the hall not unpacked) and since summer classes started.
June is almost all but over with. I know Summer has just started, and I love summer, but it is all ticking away quickly. Just like I remember saying LAST summer when I was pregnant with Emma... I hate wishing summer away, but I am eager to get this baby into the world safely. I never had that fear last time, I just assumed that the end of my pregnancy would bring me a screaming, live baby, like everyone else gets. Now, I just hope for everything to end as it 'should'.
No more fall babies. Seriously. My next child will be born early Spring at the LATEST. I am not spending another hot summer pregnant (lol) and wishing away summer. I will spend it with a tiny baby and my other kiddos hopefully.
My work week starts over again tomorrow with 3 more shifts, the last of them being an OT day.
Lets get it over with!!
xoxo
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