36th Tuesday

36 Tuesdays. Almost 9 months have came and went. 

Shades birthday is a couple weeks away. Last year I had just went to an appointment to see Emma on the ultrasound and she sure wasn't very cooperative lol.. It was June 5, and the day before shadeys party and she was facing down and laying transverse like she loved to do. When we did glance at her face, her umbilical cord was pulled in front but she already had those chubby cheeks and plump lips! 

How precious. Now just a memory, not just for me but for others as well. I wish I could change things. Everything seems so far away like its a distant memory. It's like I feel like I'm expected to just forget about that and focus on this instead. I cannot. I will not. 

Shade has been sickly the last few days, all my days off. My first day off, I took him to the dr and spent way too much on meds (forced to have insurance that is basically pointless). He's ran a fever off and on, making my days off difficult. I was still pretty productive. Now, as of yesterday he can't hear anything hardly. We have to yell at him to get him to hear us. I'm hoping it's because the ear infection is moving on out of his ears and not some other freak reason. 

We went to buckhorn Saturday, (yesterday) for our anniversary, and in true our wedding day and all anniversary days after our wedding it poured the rain. Like it was a legit monsoon to the point we could barely see to drive. But the dinner was nice and we let Shade play on the playground afterward and took a few pics. 

We had a good time, and the rain went away in time for us to watch the boats on the lake and the birds play in the grass.  It could've only been better if we'd have had our 2nd born with us for our 6th wedding anniversary. I feel like we're always trying to make up time now for the year we lost. Like I'm starting over again only to have a different outcome. 

I've been having trouble bonding with this baby since we found out it was a boy, but 90% of that is because I can't get Tommy to help me decide on a name. I was so hopeful that this would be the weekend we'd nail down a name but no. The more I go without a name for him the more frustrated I get with things and the less I'm able to feel like I'm properly bonding because it's just an "it" with no name.  I don't understand why this is so hard. I know with every child you have naming probably gets harder but I didn't plan on naming one so soon... Let alone a boy. I don't know. This and other things are just playing on my nerves lately and I have no help. It's not coming out in sadness yet but anger and bitterness. 

I don't want to be bitter.  I suffer enough with fighting bitterness, without having to add a nameless child to the mix. I didn't picture it effecting me so greatly but it does and nobody understands that. Oh it'll come to you. Ohh you'll hear it and it'll be right. Well yeah it might but then when I tell Tommy about it, it's not right for him so what does it matter? 

I'm just rambling and being a child but this is my life. 

Things aren't getting done like I feel they should and I fear a huge mental breakdown coming my way and I don't want that. I definitely don't want that near vacation or shades birthday ... Or at all. 

With shade being sick the past week it's been difficult to do anything at all.. Which that's part of life but it's not my fault. I've not been so exhausted as I had earlier in pregnancy, however when everyone else is as frustrated as me.. It doesn't make me motivated to do anything but the bare minimum which is merely existing.  Sometimes yes I need some encouragement too. I might push away or block out things like this on the norm because I'm stubborn but... It's not because I mean to or want to. It's just me. And a result of things that have happened. So people forget. And just assume I'm standalone okay. I guess different things matter to me than other people and my mind is so consumed with so many things that aren't done that I can't do that need to be done... And things that I need help with and things I can't control that I get forgotten about and I guess it just seems like I'm being selfish but, in reality I'm at my breaking point with so many things. 

Sometimes this journey can make you feel so alone. Things people do and say and ways people act normally can make you feel so isolated. 

My headache is turning into a migraine. 

And I miss my baby girl. I can stop whining now I guess. 

Xoxo