35 Tuesdays/Mother's Day
Saturday was spent kayaking most of the day with mom and Brady. Mom convinced me to go for her, she wanted to spend Mother's Day with her children and i don't blame her. Since it's so hard to get Brady to commit to anything, I figured I'd oblige her. I wanted to go anyway but wanted Tommy to come with us but we didn't have a babysitter. So he let me go. I needed a bit of a small day away anyway. And I never hang out with mom and Brady both. Of course mom in her clumsy mother ways tipped her kayak over and filled it with water before she even got in the river. Lol. They spent 10 minutes pumping the water out. The kayaks smelled like cat pee because moms stupid cat she didn't get neutered in time has sprayed anything he can back his ass up to. He's fixed now but jeeeezzzz. So she cleaned them once we were done. There were a few rough spots and even some spots we got stuck. We saw gar, crappie, and carp. We ate lunch on a big rock in the water. We got some good sun and a good arm and shoulder workout. We laughed. My traps hurt. It felt like a Mother's Day should.
Of course my Mother's Day in general, my first one without Emma was what you'd expect. I spent most of my day ignoring the sole fact it was Mother's Day. Luckily they don't make a big fuss over it in er, and it was a weekend so of course with no management and administration there, nobody cares about stuff like that. It's not like it's Christmas or something.... :/
This week the director of nursing stopped me in the hall to say hello and to remind me that he and the manager of OB are still working on the cuddle cot. That was great to hear because I've been thinking about it but never knew how to bring it up since I've brought it up 827 times I felt like Emma gave them a little nudge. Hopefully something will come of it soon.
I went to Manchester to get some hanging baskets and vegetable plants from the Mennonites, and London Friday to get spray tanned per the usual, go to Kmart, and get the car washed, and Paula tagged along with us which was nice. We went to fazolis. We had the $5 lunch and Shade had cheese pizza and fruit punch and was so good and such a big boy! I love little moments like sunny day trips eating pizza together. He is my heart and he saves me every day. I've just been so in awe of him the last few days and am so thankful for his sweet heart and his precious face and little voice. He was SO affectionate that day. It's like he knew I needed an extra boost of shadey loving to get me through the weekend. Like he was more lovey than usual. He had gotten in trouble before we left for being pretty bad at home and felt bad about it. So I explained to him when he and i get ready he needs to be good and that I don't want to yell at him and get him in trouble because I love him. And he's my only baby. And he said "but what about the other two babies?" Which broke my heart. I said "Emma and the baby in my belly are my babies too but they're not with us right now." I may could've worded that a bit better but hey.. I do what I can. He then apologized for being bad. And was just the sweetest thing all day and the next day too.
Overall I think I didn't give Mother's Day a ton of thought. I didn't psych myself out to the point to where it was stressful enough to interfere with things. I am so thankful I was able to ignore or deal with it that way. I know it could've been much worse. All of the distractions and extra love were much appreciated. If i can get through the next milestone which doesn't come until 9/2 at Emma's 1 year birthday or what would've been- I may be decent. Or at least it'll be doable.
It's not like I don't constantly think about her. when I was floating down the river in tommys kayak I thought about her. About how the last time that kayak was in water, she was in my belly. About how the last time I was in the water (end of September with buddy on lake Cumberland) it had only been days since she'd been gone and I was trying to find a distraction. About how Thursday when i was going though summer clothes and sorting them I found the shirt i was wearing when I went to that fateful appointment. I could choose to say that shirt was a bad luck omen. But I wore it to the funeral home to pick out her headstone. I must've worn it 20 times during my pregnancy with her. It was comfy, bright pink, and perfect with yoga crops or even with a scarf or a maxi. Fit my growing belly. It's filled with memories of her. As is most everything I own and/or see. The water is a place for thinking. Always has been for me. I know the beach will make me think. I'm not sure I'll be able to capture all those thoughts Hopefully having my blog on my phone will help. The ocean, especially at evening or night time has always been a place of great contemplation. I've contemplated life's greatest decisions and questions there. Relationships. Deaths. Lives. Love. Children. School. Career. Just name it and I've contemplated it at the beach. Not sure why. Maybe it's because it really makes you realize how small you are and how big the world and life is around you. I know this year will be the most contemplative. I fear it will bring about thousands of tears that I haven't already cried for my girl. I don't want it to. But I know it will. I know I'll feel close to her there because I always feel her in the breeze. The ocean is pure and natural and it cannot be controlled. Kind of like her... The breeze always comes to save me- like it does on the hottest day and it feels like a deep breath after a year of holding it in. I contemplated not even going to the beach this year mainly because I thought it would be too painful. I was 28 weeks pregnant last year and I'll be around 22 weeks this year. The timeline will be kind of the same. I won't be buying girl clothes at the gap or Gymboree. I won't be wondering what it'll be like to have a girl anymore. I'll be wondering what this little boy will be like and I'll be buying boy clothes. I saved all of shades 24mos/2T/3T sized clothing from last summer for the new baby. I'll store them away. I know it won't need them for a couple years, but I may as well keep things at this point.
I ordered a cover for Emma's car seat that's neutral / for a boy. It made me feel good to know that her seat won't sit in storage for years. But I am going to try to get mom to install the new cover, as I don't think I can bare removing hers. The last time I laid eyes on it, it was installed in my back seat. Empty. On September 3rd when I got in my car under the bay at MMH for the first time after having her. Sore and devastated. Tears flowing silently in the dark as we drove home away from where we were supposed to bring A baby home but instead brought home broken souls and hearts. I remember coming home and ignoring everything. Finding the blanket that matched the outfit I wanted her buried in, washing my face, changing into pajamas, and curling up in bed sobbing myself to sleep. I couldn't even pay any attention to Shade. My first night home without her. That next morning my devastation peaked. I lost it. It took it 2 days to set in, but I lost it. I was suicidal. I truly wished to die. I couldn't see past the grief. I couldn't grasp what had happened like 40 hours ago. I deleted my Facebook because I couldn't deal with the real world and I just wanted it to stop because my world was at a screeching halt. I woke up and had to realize all over again she was gone. I figured for sure it was all a dream. But it wasn't. This was no 2pac song. And it still isn't.
I don't write these things to depress people. Or to make it sound like I'm some sad sack. Because I am a sad sack. Lots of me is... Parts of me aren't. But that's just me and that's how I'll always be. Part of me missing. One of the very reasons I'm even allowed to celebrate Mother's Day is gone from me and I'll never see her again. Not in this lifetime anyway. That pill is always hard to swallow. I don't think that'll ever change.
But then again... Some things never change. Like my love for her and how much I miss her. That will always overshadow most things in my life. My love for my children will overshadow al things on this earth for me. That's just how it is.
Xoxo
My Mother's Day card from my boys:
Inside of card --
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