34 Tuesdays

This Tuesday update will be short. I've been so busy.. 

I visited / added a shepherds hook and basket to Emma's grave. Then just yesterday we went and weeded around it a bit and planted a morning glory to climb up the shepherds hook, 2 little sweet petunia type flowers on each side of her stone that Dad bought, he really wanted them for her spot because they were girly and dainty like her. They look good. I secured the basket onto the shepherds hook with floral wire also. Everything looks springy and fresh and it's the only grave there that gets constant upkeep and I hope to always keep it that way. 

I've struggled a bit this past week... For reasons I've yet to blog about. Obviously, I have no control over the universe and it spins and does as it pleases. We are coming upon my 17th week of this current pregnancy and 35 weeks since Emma. Sometimes the grief feels so raw like it was just yesterday. Some days it feels like a thousand years. I figured that stage was over, the whole "sneak up on your and get you" stage. But it's not. Emma would've been 8 months old Saturday, May the 2nd. That means in roughly 4 months she will have been 1 year and we will be celebrating her brief but hugely important life. A mere 20 days later and we hope to bring another new baby into this world. With her blessing and her watching over it, as it takes its first earthly breath and screams its first cry. 

1 month roughly til shades birthday and the beach. I have still been putting money back for the beach - but haven't even bought shade his 1st present or any decor!! I've been too busy planning gender reveal pics and all this crap. 

All I can say is that life is weird. Constant curveballs. Nothing is ever routine anymore. Would I be happier if it were? It seems when I'm at work things are as routine as they get. Otherwise, emotionally, life keeps me on my toes. 

I really thought I couldn't miss Emma more than I did. But I do. It grows and changes with each passing milestone and moment. Even though I will never see her again, never heard her voice and will never feel her skin again... I love her more every day. It's just hard to believe sometimes that I have to go my entire life without that baby girl or a baby girl at all, possibly. I don't know what made me think another baby girl would blunt my emotions and make me feel better. Maybe using Emma's things would've been too hard. Maybe they're hers for a reason for now until a few years later. 

Once again... I am not in control. But I'll always be in control of how much I miss her and love her. Which is infinite.

Xoxo