through the looking glass
so as you often hear, people are always talking. especially being from a small town like Hyden, Ky. Everyone knows everything and everyone knows exactly what is going on inside your home, brain, and, and even at your work! Or at least they think they do.
Let me preface that I will eventually kind of explain my situation in another blog, but this one I want to specifically focus on how things may look to someone on the outside and how different they may be on the inside. Or how someone's situation looks from one person's POV and then another's. This SHOULD be common sense to us, that we've no right to judge a person's decisions in relationships, parenting, etc unless it is putting someone else or the children in danger. And even then, its a good thing to clarify your suspicions before making a ruckus about it. AND EVEN THEN after THAT, if a person is truly that concerned, then they should really take it to authorities or the proper channels, not just gossip about it among their masses.
Anyway, I digress. So I was thinking about this on my way in to work this morning. How I never got to pick up Shade and drop him off to school due to my work hours, and the fact that I was 2 hours away from his current school from late February until school released in early May. With our situation, I felt it was best to leave Shade in school in Leslie County since enough of our family was being disrupted, as opposed to yanking him up out of school and sending him somewhere here with like 8 weeks left of school. It sucked really bad only seeing him every weekend or less considering I, myself, work every other whole weekend. But I did that for HIM, so that his little life would be a little less disrupted on my account. I would even drive 2 hours just to pick him up from school when I could and take him for ice cream or something, just so that he knew I cared. How really, the only thing that the people in Leslie County saw was that I was very absent, never picked him up, and had moved 2 hours away, and for all they knew I never had my kids.
It was NOT because I threw down my children. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I dissolved a marriage and moved to Somerset, and I sacrificed precious time with my children, so that their life would be less disrupted. I did get Isaac more often just because he doesn't go to school, and every waking moment that I had that I wasn't at work, I tried to spend with them. If anyone knows me any inkling at all, they know my children are my ENTIRE world and nothing less. I am not trying to respond to any of the bullshit that went down back a few months ago by any means, I just randomly thought about how things look from one person to another. And how that can be so different, especially if you're a type of person who likes to speculate.
Now, this school year, Shade is going to 1st grade at Southern Elementary here in Somerset. And to some people, it may appear as though his dad is not present in the relationship. Because unless his dad gets off work early and decides to come and pick him up on a Friday, then it'll be either me, Darrell, or Brady picking him up or he'll ride the school bus back to my house. I will of course make it 110% known that his father IS in his life by putting his father's number on his emergency contact list, mentioning him to the staff, etc etc. I would never want anyone to think that he didn't have a great father.
Him going to school here only makes sense, since his father works Monday through Friday and is gone to work the majority of the time Shade would be with him, whereas I am off 2-3 weekdays a week and would be able to drop him off/pick him up, see him directly after school, etc etc...and his father is off EVERY weekend, whereas I am only off every other weekend. That will maximize the short time we both have with each of them each week.
It has nothing to do with me abandoning my children, or their father abandoning him. It is simply the semantics of a separation of two people, a divorce. Its been done a million times before and will be done a million times again. Yes it sucks. Probably sucks the MOST for the parents. Children are resilient and they adapt. I remember very little bad from my childhood. My parents worked constantly and were gone sometimes even for large chunks of time (in my child memory which was probably like 2 days) and I spent large amounts of time in the grand scheme of things at my grandparents houses. Did that make me angry or sad? No. I had a great childhood for the most part and I never thought "Why does Mommy work so much? Why is Daddy gone again?" I just knew that's how it was and I appreciated my time with them. Children in general don't tend to appreciate time with their parents until they're much older anyhow. Parents, however, know what they're missing NOW. They miss their children when they're not around with every fiber of their being. Not that its any excuse to skimp out on time NOW, but that's just how it is. I didn't learn how special my parents were until I was in my 20s. Its just how things go.
And just because I (or Tommy for that matter) are out doing something sans children and we look like we're enjoying ourselves doing adult activities (which we are) -- it doesn't mean we've thrown our children down or that we're not in the back of our minds missing them every second. Trust they are well taken care of, well cared for, and happy children with either their mother or father, their grandparent, or their uncle. And that goes for ANY parent. Unless you LIVE in that house, or are a babysitter of said children for the parent, then you really have NO idea what goes on, and you cannot judge parenting or what you 'feel' like that parent SHOULD be doing. And furthermore-- if you are not a parent, yourself, then you have zero right to judge parenting choices- period, bottom line, zilch, nada, no way Jose, just don't do it because you have not earned that right just yet. Doing so only makes you look foolish and cruel.
I find myself now and again making judgments against people and their choices and actions and then I remember, why am I doing that? Its human nature to judge and make assumptions. That is an action that comes somewhat natural from being exposed to it for so long because maybe your opinion or lifestyle is different than that of who you're judging. But we have to CHANGE that, we are the only ones who can change that for ourselves.
So in Somerset it looks from the outside like my children have a very uninvolved father. In Hyden it looks like my children have a very uninvolved mother. Both of those are so far from the truth it couldn't be funny.
So what does it look like from your side? Things can be much, much different than they seem. Take the old saying "don't judge a book by its cover" into account and use it in your daily life and remember, soooo much is hidden below the surface. That goes for parenting, grief, loss, mothering, and life in general. Some of us look like we've got it all together but we are breaking beneath that cover. Some people like to pretend they have it all together and like they should/can/are allowed to judge others, but below the surface they're the same. We're all the same. Some of us just hide it better than others.
xoxo
Let me preface that I will eventually kind of explain my situation in another blog, but this one I want to specifically focus on how things may look to someone on the outside and how different they may be on the inside. Or how someone's situation looks from one person's POV and then another's. This SHOULD be common sense to us, that we've no right to judge a person's decisions in relationships, parenting, etc unless it is putting someone else or the children in danger. And even then, its a good thing to clarify your suspicions before making a ruckus about it. AND EVEN THEN after THAT, if a person is truly that concerned, then they should really take it to authorities or the proper channels, not just gossip about it among their masses.
Anyway, I digress. So I was thinking about this on my way in to work this morning. How I never got to pick up Shade and drop him off to school due to my work hours, and the fact that I was 2 hours away from his current school from late February until school released in early May. With our situation, I felt it was best to leave Shade in school in Leslie County since enough of our family was being disrupted, as opposed to yanking him up out of school and sending him somewhere here with like 8 weeks left of school. It sucked really bad only seeing him every weekend or less considering I, myself, work every other whole weekend. But I did that for HIM, so that his little life would be a little less disrupted on my account. I would even drive 2 hours just to pick him up from school when I could and take him for ice cream or something, just so that he knew I cared. How really, the only thing that the people in Leslie County saw was that I was very absent, never picked him up, and had moved 2 hours away, and for all they knew I never had my kids.
It was NOT because I threw down my children. Wrong, wrong, wrong. I dissolved a marriage and moved to Somerset, and I sacrificed precious time with my children, so that their life would be less disrupted. I did get Isaac more often just because he doesn't go to school, and every waking moment that I had that I wasn't at work, I tried to spend with them. If anyone knows me any inkling at all, they know my children are my ENTIRE world and nothing less. I am not trying to respond to any of the bullshit that went down back a few months ago by any means, I just randomly thought about how things look from one person to another. And how that can be so different, especially if you're a type of person who likes to speculate.
Now, this school year, Shade is going to 1st grade at Southern Elementary here in Somerset. And to some people, it may appear as though his dad is not present in the relationship. Because unless his dad gets off work early and decides to come and pick him up on a Friday, then it'll be either me, Darrell, or Brady picking him up or he'll ride the school bus back to my house. I will of course make it 110% known that his father IS in his life by putting his father's number on his emergency contact list, mentioning him to the staff, etc etc. I would never want anyone to think that he didn't have a great father.
Him going to school here only makes sense, since his father works Monday through Friday and is gone to work the majority of the time Shade would be with him, whereas I am off 2-3 weekdays a week and would be able to drop him off/pick him up, see him directly after school, etc etc...and his father is off EVERY weekend, whereas I am only off every other weekend. That will maximize the short time we both have with each of them each week.
It has nothing to do with me abandoning my children, or their father abandoning him. It is simply the semantics of a separation of two people, a divorce. Its been done a million times before and will be done a million times again. Yes it sucks. Probably sucks the MOST for the parents. Children are resilient and they adapt. I remember very little bad from my childhood. My parents worked constantly and were gone sometimes even for large chunks of time (in my child memory which was probably like 2 days) and I spent large amounts of time in the grand scheme of things at my grandparents houses. Did that make me angry or sad? No. I had a great childhood for the most part and I never thought "Why does Mommy work so much? Why is Daddy gone again?" I just knew that's how it was and I appreciated my time with them. Children in general don't tend to appreciate time with their parents until they're much older anyhow. Parents, however, know what they're missing NOW. They miss their children when they're not around with every fiber of their being. Not that its any excuse to skimp out on time NOW, but that's just how it is. I didn't learn how special my parents were until I was in my 20s. Its just how things go.
And just because I (or Tommy for that matter) are out doing something sans children and we look like we're enjoying ourselves doing adult activities (which we are) -- it doesn't mean we've thrown our children down or that we're not in the back of our minds missing them every second. Trust they are well taken care of, well cared for, and happy children with either their mother or father, their grandparent, or their uncle. And that goes for ANY parent. Unless you LIVE in that house, or are a babysitter of said children for the parent, then you really have NO idea what goes on, and you cannot judge parenting or what you 'feel' like that parent SHOULD be doing. And furthermore-- if you are not a parent, yourself, then you have zero right to judge parenting choices- period, bottom line, zilch, nada, no way Jose, just don't do it because you have not earned that right just yet. Doing so only makes you look foolish and cruel.
I find myself now and again making judgments against people and their choices and actions and then I remember, why am I doing that? Its human nature to judge and make assumptions. That is an action that comes somewhat natural from being exposed to it for so long because maybe your opinion or lifestyle is different than that of who you're judging. But we have to CHANGE that, we are the only ones who can change that for ourselves.
So in Somerset it looks from the outside like my children have a very uninvolved father. In Hyden it looks like my children have a very uninvolved mother. Both of those are so far from the truth it couldn't be funny.
So what does it look like from your side? Things can be much, much different than they seem. Take the old saying "don't judge a book by its cover" into account and use it in your daily life and remember, soooo much is hidden below the surface. That goes for parenting, grief, loss, mothering, and life in general. Some of us look like we've got it all together but we are breaking beneath that cover. Some people like to pretend they have it all together and like they should/can/are allowed to judge others, but below the surface they're the same. We're all the same. Some of us just hide it better than others.
xoxo
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