parenting (or lack thereof) a 6 year old
Lately it seems like my 6 year old is difficult to connect with. I'm sure that is partly because of our new-ish family situation (for those of you who do not know, I have separated and moved 2 hours away to Somerset and their father and I split custody equally and we both have new significant others) AND the age factor, and just the confusion that comes with going back and forth between two different homes, families, and etc. Lets not forget the recent long awaited addition of Isaac to our family, who quite honestly, gets a lot more attention than Shade because he is smaller, requires more care, and has such a dynamic personality; he demands attention and he gets it. Shade obviously has sibling jealousy issues, which is 100% normal.
Let me give you some background about Shade. Shade is a cookie cutter Type B personality. He's passive, mostly docile, not aggressive, sensitive, not competitive; but HATES losing, likes to get frustrated and give up when things don't come easy, would rather smart off behind your back and then deny it to your face, and will cry when he gets scolded and will occasionally use his sensitivity against you because who likes seeing their child cry? BUT... he is also accompanied with the biggest, sweetest, squishiest heart in the entire universe. I however, his mother, haha, am cookie cutter Type A personality. It has been written in the history books that these two types of personalities oftentimes have issues meshing. When Shade was much younger, his personality type didn't really get in the way because he was so small and hadn't gained a lot of his own autonomy yet. But now, he's been to school for 2 years, he's learned the little smart remarks, learned to back sass, learned how to manipulate (this is not all because of school, mind you, but just growing up). I specifically remember being that age and knowing that all I wanted to do today was test out the waters and see just how much I could get away with. And I did just that. Smarting off, making messes, using what I knew were my parents' weaknesses to get what I wanted. At this point in my adulthood, I recognize that as malicious behavior because, well, I'm an adult and I know better. However, I remember at that point in life, I didn't know that this was malicious behavior. So, when dealing with Shade I have been trying to remember that aspect; he is not TRYING to be a bad child, he is just doing what we all did, and following his instinct that is engraved in us as humans as a means of survival; to be the top dog, to be the attention getter, to be mom's top priority because its survival of the fittest. However, its difficult for him because he's so passive. A lot of his survival attempts come off kind of strange (in my opinion because people like me are up front, say what you mean, mean what you say, never have to wonder what we're thinking) and end up getting him into trouble.
Just like last night for instance, I read him a bedtime story. I tucked him in. He had already brushed his teeth. Darrell was putting Isaac to bed in our room. I filled his Yeti tumbler up with ice water. Put his TV on Mythbusters for him to have on during the night. Turned his closet light on with the door cracked. Made sure he had all his pillows and stuffed animals. Turned his fan on. Told him goodnight and told him that I loved him bigger than the sky and I was so proud of him, and recited the saying on the sign above his bed "be strong & brave" to him and kissed his little forehead. All was well. 30 minutes later as we are watching TV on the couch, having our adult conversation time, winding down for bed, we hear shuffling int he hallway, and see him peek around the corner of the kitchen out of the corner of our eyes. I chose to not address it, hoping he'd see that we were just watching TV and there was nothing to see. 10 minutes later I see him peek around again. So I told him "Shade, get in here!" and when he got in there I asked him what he was doing, and he gave me some malarkey about seeing if we were okay (which was not true, it was his defense mechanism fib he decided to tell me because he couldn't think of anything else) in which we addressed to him that was not true, and he needed to go back to bed. I crumpled and asked him if he wanted a snack, and he of course took the bait and said that's why he came out of his bedroom. So he proceeded to get a packet of fruit snacks, and he ate them and he never came back out of his room last night. I guess I panicked, trying to avoid confrontation with him because I know its going to make him upset (regardless of how easily and kindly its handled) and he knows that I know that, and he used it against me, you see how he took my bait. He saw the scapegoat and he used it. I gave it to him, I should not be surprised. But, I looked back on the situation and I see how I handled it incorrectly as a parent.
So, I should've been more stern. I should've let him explain to me why he came out of his room instead of giving him an out to avoid confrontation. I should've disciplined him for lying to me and for coming out of his room instead of being asleep like he was supposed to, given it was after 10pm at the time. And he knows better. He's only 6 but he's extremely perceptive and intelligent. He knew I was scrambling to avoid confrontation so he used that. And again, not maliciously because I don't think he knows malice, but just because that's what kids do. I did it. You did it. We all did. It might would have ended up with him upset, but I could have then spent 10 minutes alone with him diffusing the situation as opposed to the hour and a half I spent after the fact going over in my head what I did wrong and stressing about it to the point of no return. I do now know where I messed up and where I need to improve my parenting regarding this issue.
Kids like him, from what I can tell, are going to be a bit difficult to read at time, and difficult to parent. I know what he does at my house, and I know how I handle it (or how I should handle it) but I don't know and can't control what he does when I'm not around. That makes it another notch more difficult.
He is by far the sweetest and most lovable child I've ever met. His heart is golden and he has the sweetest face and smile. I miss the simpler days before he had to start growing up and experiencing things like decision making, and all the things he's experiencing now. I don't remember it being particularly difficult at this age, but from a parents' standpoint, it hurts my heart to think he is having any trouble with things.
I want to parent him sternly, so that he knows his boundaries, so that he grows into a strong man (because unfortunately I can't freeze him as a child as much as I want to) who can make good decisions and be confident and up front and strong and be able to take up for and defend himself, and maybe just a little less passive. But I also want to nurture him like a mother should, like he deserves, and make sure that since he is still little, that he knows he is so very loved and to make sure he is happy beyond imagination.
I accept any input if anyone would like to share their own experiences with parenting a type B child, parenting through divorce, or parenting a 6 year old/school aged kid in general. I like to hear stories and advice so that I can make sure I'm doing my best, what's best for him, even if it might hurt my feelings or his -- and knowing that maybe I'm not alone in my struggle. And maybe someone reading MY experience might make them feel a little less alone too.
I put this out here publicly not to be judged, but to relate to other parents, to let us know that us moms aren't alone in our difficulties.
xoxo
Let me give you some background about Shade. Shade is a cookie cutter Type B personality. He's passive, mostly docile, not aggressive, sensitive, not competitive; but HATES losing, likes to get frustrated and give up when things don't come easy, would rather smart off behind your back and then deny it to your face, and will cry when he gets scolded and will occasionally use his sensitivity against you because who likes seeing their child cry? BUT... he is also accompanied with the biggest, sweetest, squishiest heart in the entire universe. I however, his mother, haha, am cookie cutter Type A personality. It has been written in the history books that these two types of personalities oftentimes have issues meshing. When Shade was much younger, his personality type didn't really get in the way because he was so small and hadn't gained a lot of his own autonomy yet. But now, he's been to school for 2 years, he's learned the little smart remarks, learned to back sass, learned how to manipulate (this is not all because of school, mind you, but just growing up). I specifically remember being that age and knowing that all I wanted to do today was test out the waters and see just how much I could get away with. And I did just that. Smarting off, making messes, using what I knew were my parents' weaknesses to get what I wanted. At this point in my adulthood, I recognize that as malicious behavior because, well, I'm an adult and I know better. However, I remember at that point in life, I didn't know that this was malicious behavior. So, when dealing with Shade I have been trying to remember that aspect; he is not TRYING to be a bad child, he is just doing what we all did, and following his instinct that is engraved in us as humans as a means of survival; to be the top dog, to be the attention getter, to be mom's top priority because its survival of the fittest. However, its difficult for him because he's so passive. A lot of his survival attempts come off kind of strange (in my opinion because people like me are up front, say what you mean, mean what you say, never have to wonder what we're thinking) and end up getting him into trouble.
Just like last night for instance, I read him a bedtime story. I tucked him in. He had already brushed his teeth. Darrell was putting Isaac to bed in our room. I filled his Yeti tumbler up with ice water. Put his TV on Mythbusters for him to have on during the night. Turned his closet light on with the door cracked. Made sure he had all his pillows and stuffed animals. Turned his fan on. Told him goodnight and told him that I loved him bigger than the sky and I was so proud of him, and recited the saying on the sign above his bed "be strong & brave" to him and kissed his little forehead. All was well. 30 minutes later as we are watching TV on the couch, having our adult conversation time, winding down for bed, we hear shuffling int he hallway, and see him peek around the corner of the kitchen out of the corner of our eyes. I chose to not address it, hoping he'd see that we were just watching TV and there was nothing to see. 10 minutes later I see him peek around again. So I told him "Shade, get in here!" and when he got in there I asked him what he was doing, and he gave me some malarkey about seeing if we were okay (which was not true, it was his defense mechanism fib he decided to tell me because he couldn't think of anything else) in which we addressed to him that was not true, and he needed to go back to bed. I crumpled and asked him if he wanted a snack, and he of course took the bait and said that's why he came out of his bedroom. So he proceeded to get a packet of fruit snacks, and he ate them and he never came back out of his room last night. I guess I panicked, trying to avoid confrontation with him because I know its going to make him upset (regardless of how easily and kindly its handled) and he knows that I know that, and he used it against me, you see how he took my bait. He saw the scapegoat and he used it. I gave it to him, I should not be surprised. But, I looked back on the situation and I see how I handled it incorrectly as a parent.
So, I should've been more stern. I should've let him explain to me why he came out of his room instead of giving him an out to avoid confrontation. I should've disciplined him for lying to me and for coming out of his room instead of being asleep like he was supposed to, given it was after 10pm at the time. And he knows better. He's only 6 but he's extremely perceptive and intelligent. He knew I was scrambling to avoid confrontation so he used that. And again, not maliciously because I don't think he knows malice, but just because that's what kids do. I did it. You did it. We all did. It might would have ended up with him upset, but I could have then spent 10 minutes alone with him diffusing the situation as opposed to the hour and a half I spent after the fact going over in my head what I did wrong and stressing about it to the point of no return. I do now know where I messed up and where I need to improve my parenting regarding this issue.
Kids like him, from what I can tell, are going to be a bit difficult to read at time, and difficult to parent. I know what he does at my house, and I know how I handle it (or how I should handle it) but I don't know and can't control what he does when I'm not around. That makes it another notch more difficult.
He is by far the sweetest and most lovable child I've ever met. His heart is golden and he has the sweetest face and smile. I miss the simpler days before he had to start growing up and experiencing things like decision making, and all the things he's experiencing now. I don't remember it being particularly difficult at this age, but from a parents' standpoint, it hurts my heart to think he is having any trouble with things.
I want to parent him sternly, so that he knows his boundaries, so that he grows into a strong man (because unfortunately I can't freeze him as a child as much as I want to) who can make good decisions and be confident and up front and strong and be able to take up for and defend himself, and maybe just a little less passive. But I also want to nurture him like a mother should, like he deserves, and make sure that since he is still little, that he knows he is so very loved and to make sure he is happy beyond imagination.
I accept any input if anyone would like to share their own experiences with parenting a type B child, parenting through divorce, or parenting a 6 year old/school aged kid in general. I like to hear stories and advice so that I can make sure I'm doing my best, what's best for him, even if it might hurt my feelings or his -- and knowing that maybe I'm not alone in my struggle. And maybe someone reading MY experience might make them feel a little less alone too.
I put this out here publicly not to be judged, but to relate to other parents, to let us know that us moms aren't alone in our difficulties.
xoxo
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