It Was All A Dream

I think some people don't realize that they themselves are actually a trigger. Like someone who was in your life a lot during a certain time. Especially if they were new to your life during that experience. They take you back to so many memories of the experience. 

During that whole 10 months, so many things happened. It's not their fault. It's just hard for the person who went through the experience to remain close to them because it's like they reopen wounds we didn't know existed. 

It's like someone took that entire 10 months and cut it out with a knife and sat it to the side in a parallel universe. It's still recent and fresh but seems almost like it was all a dream. In a way I wish it was. 

During that time, I lost a job. 

Had prospective new jobs. 

Struggled financially. 

Found out I was pregnant. 

Found out she was a girl. 

Named her Emma Caroline. 

Got a new job part time. 

Got my first ER job.

Started and finished my 2nd semester of my bachelors degree. 

Then at the end, lost her. Lost my child... Not just a pregnancy but an entire lifetime of memories and firsts were lost. I thought I had a lot of firsts In those 10 months but it didn't compare to the firsts that went up in a cloud of smoke. 

Fast forward a year and some odd days here we are following the same timeline and only with a different ending. A living baby who is thus far healthy and thriving. And is everything I ever hoped for. 

But it has successfully made my last experience seem that much more alien. I went to the same hospital with some of the same nurses and doctor and same OR same surgery same bed same lots of other things.  And it was so different but still the same. It just seems so odd because this was how it was supposed to be. But it didn't turn out right. 

I know Emma saved Isaac. I didn't know it until after the fact of course. I hate knowing I lost her. I still think it's senseless. But when I look back on the long journey to here of almost 2 years and when I look at him I can't regret all of it because of not for her he wouldn't exist. Wouldn't even be a thought. And he's so precious. From the first cry I couldn't imagine life without him. 

This October for fall and Halloween and thanksgiving and Christmas we have this precious boy. If God allows it anyway. With each thing he does it's hard not to picture her and wonder what life would've been like had she made it. Especially on days he looks so much like her. 

I don't want to seem ungrateful because I'm not. But these are the things that PAL and mothering a child after a loss bring. Very complex thoughts.