First Saturday

Posted by Such Is Life - A Dicey September 26, 2015

First Saturday

Everything is all just a transition. This day reminds me of that day over a year ago when it was raining out. It should've been all 4 of our first late lazy Saturday in bed. It was raining out. Just like today. Fall was setting in. Just like today. I sat outside on the porch and tortured myself with "wake me up when September ends" by green day. It was supposed to be more like today- all of us lazily sleeping in til 9-10... Laying around til one of us got hungry enough to go make some breakfast. New fresh little baby laying in the bed with us, changing poopy diapers and attaching and reattaching to the boob. Bassinet next to the bed. Dirty diapers laying in the floor waiting for Shadey to be the big helper he is and take them to the diaper genie. Lanolin and gas drops next to the bed. Diapers and wipes slid down In the pocket of the bassinet. Baby swaddle blanket strewn across my side of the bed. Baby stretched across my abdomen listening to my heart, causing my uterine incision to throb due to the weight.

Instead it was empty and full of heart ache. I still remember that empty feeling. It's still there just not as strong. I came home empty handed. I buried my daughter the day before. It was nothing like that it was supposed to be. Nothing. Not even a shadow of it. Tears and gasps escaped from me on my front porch. Everything was a mess because we hadn't expected to have her Tuesday and we hadn't gotten everything done.

I've been so neglectful to my blog these last few weeks. Once I get into the swing of things I plan on catching it up and doing it justice. Just getting to and from work the last leg of this pregnancy was intensely difficult and now I'm dealing with post op pain and a new baby too and I haven't had a lot of time.

I sit and worry about stupid things beyond my control like how time is already moving so fast. I wished the entirety of this pregnancy away because I just wanted Isaac here and safe. Now I'm wishing time would take a halt. Just then I looked back on my pics from 4 days ago and 3 days ago in the hospital and already he doesn't look like the same baby. His outfit is different, his face is different, his hair is different... The whole air of the picture is different. All of its so new.

Looking at Isaac's face makes my heart explode. He is so much more than I imagined. When I heard his first cry, I had held my breath it seems for a year. When I heard him crying it was like a breath of fresh air and like I'd never breathed a bigger more fresh breath. Seeing him and Shade together takes my breath back away. I could stare at him forever. When they placed his warm body on my chest and his little pink hand grasped my finger and his little warm head rooted around on my chest and those tiny feet that had been kicking my bladder were now sliding up and down my numb belly. Watching his chest rise up and down. It's all so different. It's all I had wished and hoped for. It's all I still hope and wish for in my life. It's all I still dream of, my baby girl taking a breath on my chest and hearing her scream her first cry. All the things I know I've missed.

And now it's not new but it is new, we are learning a whole new journey at home with two children. One of which we are trying so hard to make sure our first baby boy isn't left out. Of course he's hard to handle and has been acting out but overall considering his age, has done so so so well. My pain level and activity intolerance makes it difficult to function without constant help but I am recovering. I'm even going to take out my on-q pump today and see how taking Motrin and Tylenol works. Last time I was taking Percocet and Motrin. We are adjusting. The first night home was a bit overwhelming. The second night (last night) was a bit less overwhelming aside from the first few hours of me nodding off trying to get Isaac to calm down who had previously been zonked from his very first bath and a full belly and a full day of visitors.. Then he finally fell deep asleep and let me sleep a few hours maybe 2? Then he was hungry and needed changing but my mood was significantly recovered at this point due to a little sleep refresher (just remember I've had a total of 6 hours maybe of sleep of course all split up since his birth Tuesday morning in which I got 3 hours of sleep prior to) and after that he fell soundly asleep beside me and slept a few more hours and then it was morning and we are here. I know it'll be easier once my pain is less and I'm recovered more. I'll feel more myself and will feel still overwhelmed but at the least able to contribute, able to do things on my own, and I think that'll help me a lot. Not that I don't enjoy it just being me and Isaac all day bonding and laying. But I'd rather feel more myself and do the same and still be able to be mommy and work around the house and accomplish things as well.

Emotions are high and my mind goes stupid places like Isaac growing up. The stress of it. The dread of it. Wtf will I do when it's just me and them? What happens when you don't have any more kids? When you've had your last? What do you do with your life? What happens when one day I don't have help? Will I be able to handle it? Why can I not just ignore the thoughts and enjoy these newborn days while they're here? I can but late at night when I'm not getting sleep and I'm up feeding him, my mind goes places and I end up in delirious tears over him crying over his body and how I've managed to create this gorgeous creature with my husband and the love of my family. And how a year ago I was crying over my greatest creation who was no longer a living, breathing, milk demanding babe. Even happy things can be triggers. If you haven't been there you won't understand.

I just got the invite to the annual pumpkin patch trip with my extended family who is actually my best friend who no longer lives here's family lol-- it's in only a week. I'm supposed to go to a wedding next Saturday, but I'm not sure that I will because depending on how demanding breastfeeding still is, I may not be able to. But Tommy has to go regardless. Now the pumpkin patch trip, is a family thing, with tons of all our kids and plenty of adults to help watch them. A meal at Cracker Barrel then tons of fun at the patch. I am really wanting to go because it'll be our first family outing. And Shade LOVED it last year. Of course I had like 3 more weeks of recovery under my belt and still was only bringing one child which was my worst nightmare. I will have to feel it out. Cause I will have to sneak away to feed Isaac or learn to feed in my ergo carrier because I'd really love to wear him instead of trying to carry him around or use a stroller. It all just depends. I hope to be able to continue breastfeeding exclusively as well for his benefit and get down more of a routine.

I do swear to update the blog. And to recount days I missed this September in blog world. And to record Isaac's birth story while its fresh.

I can't complain. Emotions are weird. Life is weird. I am so blessed. So very blessed. I'm missing a huge piece and I miss my Emma so much. But we are here. And Isaac is such a sweet blessing and I can't even explain my love for him and all he's done for me and my healing and my broken heart.

Welcome to the world little boy...