Pencils, Leaves, & New Sneakers
I can't believe it's that time again. Back to school, they say. The kiddos here in Pulaski county start on August 7th. Seems like summer flew by in no-time. I want to say it's because we did a lot of fun stuff, but, I feel like maybe we could've done more. But I always feel that way. The kids seemed to have had plenty of fun. We've visited the water park, they've been to a few movies, we went on a long vacation, they had three different plane rides and plenty of time with their big brothers.
We went to open house on Thursday at Shade's new school since we moved in April. Met Shade's new homeroom teacher and he decided he wanted to sign up for ARCHERY! I have a good feeling about this school year. Isaac tagged along saying things like "I want to start school, too!" I am thinking "buddy, if you only knew, you wouldn't rush it! Adulthood is a trap!" alas, I wish he wouldn't rush it. I am already struggling with this year being Emma's first year of school - well, it should've been anyway. Let alone him on the brink of FOUR. And not being in the place that I thought I would be career-wise. My miscarriage and whatever fertility issues we're having for whatever reason. And my husband being gone for the longest I've ever been away from him (which is not helping the getting pregnant aspect of things obviously) and several other things I'd rather not mention. but if you're struggling just know that you're not the only one.
I'm thinking of doing something different this year for Emma's birthday since she would've been starting kindergarten. Whenever I take Shade to his first day of school, I'm going to park and go in and see if I can get a list of what the Kindergarten classes there need the most and go buy those supplies and donate them in her memory. I probably will not ask for donations online or ask that anyone do anything in her honor, because I have done that for 4 years now and I feel like nobody but those close to me do it, so, I want to just do some things privately. I plan to get a cake as usual and go have cake and coffee at my mom's house probably, (drop those school supplies off probably either the Friday before or the Tuesday afterward if I don't work) and then go visit and decorate her grave for fall. So I have a lot to do and yes I have a list, lol. Or--I will anyway.
I remember back to school when I was Shade's age. I can still smell the fresh No. 2 pencils, the smell of a new sweater that hadn't been washed yet, probably from JC Penney, and the smell of a school, which to my surprise; has not changed over the years. I can see the leaves blowing across the sidewalks and through the parking lots and the cracks in the pavement in the parent pickup/dropoff line. I can feel the rust on the bars of the fencing along the sidewalks. I can smell the late summer dog days heat beating down on my scalp on the playground behind Walker's Funeral Home and the sound that a kickball makes when your NEW sneakers kick the shit out of it on the field. I am having some major nostalgia with just typing this. Oh what a time to be young! In the early 90s! When everything wasn't a struggle and very few people were offended and all I had to worry about was how much longer I can stay in the kickball game and how much longer recess would last and whether or not I would get to have a snack and time to play outside before dinner once I got home. Or would I get to go to mom and dad's work and pilfer through the snacks there? Would I get to visit my childhood friend next door at their sports store? Or would we drive home during a late summer storm in the van? Would I get to watch TV this evening? What was mom making for dinner? What was my dog doing? What was my little brother crying about? Was tomorrow Friday so it could be the weekend and maybe we'd go spend one of the last few late summer weekends at the lake house before the leaves started falling and the air got too crisp to take the baby on the boat and everyone put their pontoons and bass boats in storage and the lake was no longer bustling with ripples from boats and boats galore but it was still like glass and the only thing that would make a ripple was a leaf hitting the water or maybe a largemouth jumping out for a mosquito or water bug. Before we know it, the leaves will have all fallen and nothing will be left but the cold, barrenness of winter.
That leads me to some thinking about seasons. For most of my life, I have been a summer lover. A sun worshipper. I still am. However, the last couple years I have began to crave FALL. All the themes and theories and feels around it. This year specifically. Now, I'm having a hard time discerning whether or not this desire for Fall comes from the fact that a lot of my summer has been shit on by losing my job and my husband having to work away for a week at a time and my new work schedule not being conducive to anything, my career issues, my fertility issues, and all of the other looming changes and things I can't change...I crave for everything else to wilt kind of like I've "felt" I have here lately. OR.......is this just my age...have I came into the age where I just appreciate everything more all around and can see the beauty in a crisp morning and a good blanket by the fire and a fall scented candle? Maybe it's a mixture of both. Maybe it's my allergies making me think I have throat cancer. I'm not really sure. I hope its my allergies, lol. I've yet to figure that out. But...we shall see in the coming months. I hate to wish time away because that is such a catch 22 with me that I can't even fathom it, however, I want August over. I've never wished August over because it brings September and in a lot of ways September is difficult filled with anguish AND joys...so it can be hard to balance. But...I'm trying to just make it through day by day...especially the next 23 days specifically and it hasn't even begun yet.
We went to open house on Thursday at Shade's new school since we moved in April. Met Shade's new homeroom teacher and he decided he wanted to sign up for ARCHERY! I have a good feeling about this school year. Isaac tagged along saying things like "I want to start school, too!" I am thinking "buddy, if you only knew, you wouldn't rush it! Adulthood is a trap!" alas, I wish he wouldn't rush it. I am already struggling with this year being Emma's first year of school - well, it should've been anyway. Let alone him on the brink of FOUR. And not being in the place that I thought I would be career-wise. My miscarriage and whatever fertility issues we're having for whatever reason. And my husband being gone for the longest I've ever been away from him (which is not helping the getting pregnant aspect of things obviously) and several other things I'd rather not mention. but if you're struggling just know that you're not the only one.
I'm thinking of doing something different this year for Emma's birthday since she would've been starting kindergarten. Whenever I take Shade to his first day of school, I'm going to park and go in and see if I can get a list of what the Kindergarten classes there need the most and go buy those supplies and donate them in her memory. I probably will not ask for donations online or ask that anyone do anything in her honor, because I have done that for 4 years now and I feel like nobody but those close to me do it, so, I want to just do some things privately. I plan to get a cake as usual and go have cake and coffee at my mom's house probably, (drop those school supplies off probably either the Friday before or the Tuesday afterward if I don't work) and then go visit and decorate her grave for fall. So I have a lot to do and yes I have a list, lol. Or--I will anyway.
I remember back to school when I was Shade's age. I can still smell the fresh No. 2 pencils, the smell of a new sweater that hadn't been washed yet, probably from JC Penney, and the smell of a school, which to my surprise; has not changed over the years. I can see the leaves blowing across the sidewalks and through the parking lots and the cracks in the pavement in the parent pickup/dropoff line. I can feel the rust on the bars of the fencing along the sidewalks. I can smell the late summer dog days heat beating down on my scalp on the playground behind Walker's Funeral Home and the sound that a kickball makes when your NEW sneakers kick the shit out of it on the field. I am having some major nostalgia with just typing this. Oh what a time to be young! In the early 90s! When everything wasn't a struggle and very few people were offended and all I had to worry about was how much longer I can stay in the kickball game and how much longer recess would last and whether or not I would get to have a snack and time to play outside before dinner once I got home. Or would I get to go to mom and dad's work and pilfer through the snacks there? Would I get to visit my childhood friend next door at their sports store? Or would we drive home during a late summer storm in the van? Would I get to watch TV this evening? What was mom making for dinner? What was my dog doing? What was my little brother crying about? Was tomorrow Friday so it could be the weekend and maybe we'd go spend one of the last few late summer weekends at the lake house before the leaves started falling and the air got too crisp to take the baby on the boat and everyone put their pontoons and bass boats in storage and the lake was no longer bustling with ripples from boats and boats galore but it was still like glass and the only thing that would make a ripple was a leaf hitting the water or maybe a largemouth jumping out for a mosquito or water bug. Before we know it, the leaves will have all fallen and nothing will be left but the cold, barrenness of winter.
That leads me to some thinking about seasons. For most of my life, I have been a summer lover. A sun worshipper. I still am. However, the last couple years I have began to crave FALL. All the themes and theories and feels around it. This year specifically. Now, I'm having a hard time discerning whether or not this desire for Fall comes from the fact that a lot of my summer has been shit on by losing my job and my husband having to work away for a week at a time and my new work schedule not being conducive to anything, my career issues, my fertility issues, and all of the other looming changes and things I can't change...I crave for everything else to wilt kind of like I've "felt" I have here lately. OR.......is this just my age...have I came into the age where I just appreciate everything more all around and can see the beauty in a crisp morning and a good blanket by the fire and a fall scented candle? Maybe it's a mixture of both. Maybe it's my allergies making me think I have throat cancer. I'm not really sure. I hope its my allergies, lol. I've yet to figure that out. But...we shall see in the coming months. I hate to wish time away because that is such a catch 22 with me that I can't even fathom it, however, I want August over. I've never wished August over because it brings September and in a lot of ways September is difficult filled with anguish AND joys...so it can be hard to balance. But...I'm trying to just make it through day by day...especially the next 23 days specifically and it hasn't even begun yet.
Comments
Post a Comment