Who's Birthday Is It Really?
So today is September 21. Thirty-two years ago, about an hour or so from now, I came screaming out of a dark scary place, well I guess it wasn't so scary, where I was cozy and warm into a strange, bright, cold, dry place called Earth, as my life extra-utero began. I was 6lbs10oz, 19.5" long with a head full of dark brown, almost black hair. Enough about me...lets talk about tomorrow September 22nd.
Tomorrow will make TWO whole years since my sweet rainbow Isaac decided to fill my life with color. This time last year I was scrambling. I was probably at Wal-Mart. I know I was getting my nails done, getting last minute groceries for the next couple weeks to make my first several days of staying home with a newborn and a 4 year old easier, making sure his car seat was properly installed in the back of my CR-V, cleaning the house, packing my hospital bag and his hospital bag. Carefully picking out tiny newborn sized outfits for him, crying off and on, because I knew this was something I got to do for Emma, but it never came to fruition the way it was supposed to. It was just, at that point, a year and 19 days since she had came and tore my world down.
I was stressed to the max. I knew I had to get up early the next morning, at like probably 0400 if I was smart, to be gone by no later than 0500; to check in at 0545 for prep for my C-section. So, I planned to shower the night before, have everything ready except what I needed to put my makeup on and the clothes I planned to wear which was nothing special considering I'd be changed into a gown as soon as I arrived. I wanted to have the house clean, everything put where it was supposed to be, beds made, clothes folded, clean towels, baby supplies within easy reach, the porch and yard cleaned up and nicely organized since I knew we'd have plenty company over the next several days. We stained the front porch, cleaned it up, and everything got done...with the exception of maybe a few tiny little stray things. With the help of my mom and dad, Tommy's mom, and Chris. I remember it was nearing midnight and I was finishing up vacuuming and mopping the house. Can you say psycho?? Hey, it was before I was properly medicated.
I finally crawled into bed as everyone else was sound asleep, where I struggled to turn my brain off, just like every other night, except my brain that's usually in overdrive was geared up to hyperdrive that night. I knew what was coming. I knew what was going to happen. I also knew what COULD happen. So I laid there, awake, until around 0100...counting Isaac's kicks, going over lists in my mind, flashing back to just a year prior...stuck between wanting to rewind and fast forward. I drifted off sometime then...
It seemed like it was only 30 minutes later before my alarm on my phone went off and it was 0400. I snoozed probably twice. Finally rolled out of bed and waddled to the bathroom. I put my makeup on. Made sure my eyeliner was sharp enough to kill a man, cause I wasn't about to look anything less than "I really tried not to look homeless this morning please have mercy on me"...and I got dressed. I woke everyone else up and made sure everything was by the door and ready to go. Finally, about 0515 ( I don't remember quite what made us late but I know we lost something and had to find it ? ) we were on the road. Luckily we made it to the hospital and were only about 5 minutes behind. Where it was so early, albeit a Tuesday (of course); we didn't have to stop at the registration desk for two reasons...1) I pre registered a couple days prior and 2) it was too early. So we hopped on the elevator and headed to labor and delivery where I used my own badge from ER to go through the doors. Helped myself, so to speak lol. Once we were inside L&D they had me go to the last room on the left ( I can't quite remember the room number for some reason) which is also a delivery room. I signed a few last minute papers at the desk before I went into my room. We got settled, I got changed into a gown, everything off but my bracelets which I refused to take off. It was cold as ice in the room of course so we called to see if they could turn the air off or something. I was shivering. We worked at getting Shade situated, it was about 0620 at this point.. I was supposed to go to surgery a little after 0700. My mom finally was on her way at about 0645, she was running late as well, and asked if we wanted anything from McDonald's, and I requested something for Shade since he was whining and appeared to be unsettled and bored despite his new toy that I got him (I got the idea to get him a small toy for each day we were at the hospital for every time he showed up that way he would feel less left out with everyone cooing over Isaac) and his iPad. Right before my mom got there, the nurses finally came in to start my IV and fluids and antibiotics. It was 0700 now, they had just had a delivery and an emergent patient who was in labor too early and they were having to fly out and it took them longer than anticipated because they couldn't get the helicopter there when they needed it because of low ceilings/fog. So since I wasn't emergent I was the backburner. But they attempted one IV in my left forearm and blew the vein but that was my fault, I requested that it not be in my hand or wrist or AC because I had stuff to do, haha. But Kristina came in and saved the day with a 20g in my right inner forearm. They started my first bolus, and it was about 0730 by then, and I was supposed to have already been in OR by this point but stuff happens. Mom and Maggie were there by that point and they were about to wheel me down around 0740 I think. So they came to get me.
We exited L&D and through the doors into the elevator. This was the ride I was dreading and they couldn't give me anything for anxiety so I had to tell myself this was a different baby, a different outcome...because as those elevator doors open and the OR door swung back and they were pushing me in the bed through those doors, my stomach went to my butthole. That is the only place in the world left that gives me PTSD to the point to where I've turned around and went the other way. I've also had my name whispered right in my ear by those doors and nobody standing there or anywhere near me. I made it through though. We were back in OR and I had to sign some other consent and the CRNA's spoke with me about the spinal which I'm all too familiar with so we got that ball rolling, I was leaned over the OR table with a pillow in my lap while they pushed around on my back and then the familiar bee sting of the lidocaine and then the pressure from the spinal needle started and I hear Andy coaching the newer CRNA along as to how to get the needle where it needed to be. After the second attempt she finally was successful ( and I'm not a hard spinal/epidural patient, she was just new and needed practice and I don't mind being the guinea pig ) and I felt them push air into the space which was equal to me on both sides of my hips which meant it was in the right spot. Then I felt them bolus me with the duramorph and fentanyl which kind of feels weird. So then I scooted myself back on to the OR table into position as they were counting tools, instruments, scurrying around getting things ready for Dr. Sink. Only staff was allowed in still at this point. Once I was numb from the nips down, they placed a foley, started draping, me, placed me on o2, started prepping my belly, and making sure I was on the monitors. I was flat on my back of course. I started to feel kind of funny and told Andy that I was having chest pressure, and just felt weird. He asked me if I was having anxiety and I said that of course I was but this was not a panic attack it was something else. I looked at the monitors and could see I was 100% and at the time my heart rate was still in the 90s but I felt like an elephant was on my chest. then I saw my blood pressure. It had dropped into the high 70s systolic. He noticed it as well. I then began to feel nauseated. The color black was closing in around my peripheral vision and I only had a small tunnel like hole to see out of. I felt dizzy. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Low 70s systolic now, 1 minute later. Andy assured me I would be okay and I kept reminding him that I did NOT want to blow chunks all over the OR. 62/38 now...I was slowly starting to fade out as I hear them behind me rattling around in the crash cart trying to get an IV medication to bring my BP back up before I went out...I was trying to steady my mind and body so that I didn't pass out and so that I didn't vomit. I hear Dr. Sink yell "get me the Doppler", which panicked me and my heart rate shot up into the 120s, because I thought something was happening with Isaac, since I couldn't feel him kicking or moving since I was numb now...and they were giving me that medication, I didn't know what was going on...but then I heard the steady chugging of his heart beat and my fears for him were wiped away (turns out this is routine procedure to get the FHR before the first cut) but I was still scared for myself because now it looked like I was looking through a paper towel tube and I could barely get a word out. Slowly my blood pressure started to rise, and when it got back into the mid 70s systolic my field of vision widened. 80s, my shortness of air went away, my nausea subsided, high 80s, my chest pressure was mostly gone. it never got above low 90s systolic but with two doses of 100mg of Ephedrine, my BP normalized and they were allowed to let a family member back, and they did. And then I also saw Donna and Kristina there. Kristina was assisting and Donna was waiting on Isaac to come out to assess him because she came in on her day off work just to be there for us and to take care of Isaac because that's what I wanted and I didn't really care for the pediatrician who was on call. Now it was nearing 0820. In just a few minutes Isaac would be here.
at 0824, I felt a lot of pressure on my abdomen and I saw tiny baby feet wrapped in Dr. Sink's giant hands raise up over the drapes, and he flipped him around and I saw his scrunched up face all slimy and grey looking...no cries yet, which frightened me, but they suctioned him a little and by the time he was on the warmer he was screaming. Let me tell you, that cry was the synchronous with the first time I had taken a real, full breath of air in a year and 20 days. He was here. He was alive. He was passing his APGAR scores, he was healthy. He was ALIVE. Isaac Townes was here!! He was 6lb11oz and 19" long! They wiped him off and handed him to me while I was on the table and they were finishing up my surgery and I held him and cried and nuzzled his little chest where he was quiet and I heard his little heart beating beneath his chest and his chest was rising and falling with each breath and I could feel the warmth coming from his little nose as he breathed. The last time I held a baby in this fashion, none of that happened. they took him away again and took him to the nursery to get cleaned up while I got finished and closed up. I went to PACU for about 15 minutes while I was antsy to get back upstairs and nagging them that I was okay, I needed ice chips, and please hurry this stuff up so I can get back upstairs, I'm fine!!!!!!!!
At probably 0900 they finally wheeled me back up to L&D. They had bathed Isaac and got him all wrapped up I knew that. Apparently Shade had been pacing the floors of the waiting room...clearly showing that he was nervous for me, I'm sure because he vividly remembers the last experience of coming to the hospital thinking we were going to be bringing home a living baby. They finally brought Isaac to me...and that was all she wrote. As if I wasn't in love with him enough; there he was...perfect. Dark hair. Perfect lips. 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. He looked like Emma...same hair line and everything. He wanted nothing but to be against my chest and started eating just like a champ. We spent some time with just him, then we let Shade in and he was sooo proud. Then we started slowly letting the grandparents in, everyone was just elated. I was nervous and paranoid and refused to put him down and everyone else only got to hold him briefly and I used germs and breastfeeding as an excuse. I only let him go to the nursery a few times for absolutely necessary procedures because somehow I was afraid if I let him out of my sight something would happen.
After a 2 night stay, sometime in the afternoon of the 24th of September, we were released. Happy and healthy. I somehow thought we'd leave with an empty car seat, empty arms again...no matter how secure and safe everything was, I still had that fear something was going to happen, it was surreal. But he's here. And now he's 2 years old already.
He is the most happy, funny, upbeat, silly little toddler I've ever met! He has this huge, dynamic, loud, determined, strong willed personality. He's as stubborn as any kid I've ever seen. He brings so much joy to all our lives. He literally put the color back in my world. He loves his buhboh and his buhboh loves him to the moon.
He loves Secret Life of Pets, Trolls, Daniel Tiger, and anything that has wheels, a propeller, or a rotor blade. He loves to dance and listen to music. His favorite is "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran which he calls "SONG". He jabbers away and isn't afraid to let you know what he wants. He's constantly getting in to stuff, falling, getting bruised up, and loves to compete; whether it be for attention or for whatever he wants. But he can be sooooo squishy. He loves to hug and kiss and snuggle and hold hands. He's the perfect little fella. Emma definitely knew what I needed when she hand picked him for me.
We love you Isaac Townes!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Happy Birthday <3 <3 <3
Tomorrow will make TWO whole years since my sweet rainbow Isaac decided to fill my life with color. This time last year I was scrambling. I was probably at Wal-Mart. I know I was getting my nails done, getting last minute groceries for the next couple weeks to make my first several days of staying home with a newborn and a 4 year old easier, making sure his car seat was properly installed in the back of my CR-V, cleaning the house, packing my hospital bag and his hospital bag. Carefully picking out tiny newborn sized outfits for him, crying off and on, because I knew this was something I got to do for Emma, but it never came to fruition the way it was supposed to. It was just, at that point, a year and 19 days since she had came and tore my world down.
I was stressed to the max. I knew I had to get up early the next morning, at like probably 0400 if I was smart, to be gone by no later than 0500; to check in at 0545 for prep for my C-section. So, I planned to shower the night before, have everything ready except what I needed to put my makeup on and the clothes I planned to wear which was nothing special considering I'd be changed into a gown as soon as I arrived. I wanted to have the house clean, everything put where it was supposed to be, beds made, clothes folded, clean towels, baby supplies within easy reach, the porch and yard cleaned up and nicely organized since I knew we'd have plenty company over the next several days. We stained the front porch, cleaned it up, and everything got done...with the exception of maybe a few tiny little stray things. With the help of my mom and dad, Tommy's mom, and Chris. I remember it was nearing midnight and I was finishing up vacuuming and mopping the house. Can you say psycho?? Hey, it was before I was properly medicated.
I finally crawled into bed as everyone else was sound asleep, where I struggled to turn my brain off, just like every other night, except my brain that's usually in overdrive was geared up to hyperdrive that night. I knew what was coming. I knew what was going to happen. I also knew what COULD happen. So I laid there, awake, until around 0100...counting Isaac's kicks, going over lists in my mind, flashing back to just a year prior...stuck between wanting to rewind and fast forward. I drifted off sometime then...
It seemed like it was only 30 minutes later before my alarm on my phone went off and it was 0400. I snoozed probably twice. Finally rolled out of bed and waddled to the bathroom. I put my makeup on. Made sure my eyeliner was sharp enough to kill a man, cause I wasn't about to look anything less than "I really tried not to look homeless this morning please have mercy on me"...and I got dressed. I woke everyone else up and made sure everything was by the door and ready to go. Finally, about 0515 ( I don't remember quite what made us late but I know we lost something and had to find it ? ) we were on the road. Luckily we made it to the hospital and were only about 5 minutes behind. Where it was so early, albeit a Tuesday (of course); we didn't have to stop at the registration desk for two reasons...1) I pre registered a couple days prior and 2) it was too early. So we hopped on the elevator and headed to labor and delivery where I used my own badge from ER to go through the doors. Helped myself, so to speak lol. Once we were inside L&D they had me go to the last room on the left ( I can't quite remember the room number for some reason) which is also a delivery room. I signed a few last minute papers at the desk before I went into my room. We got settled, I got changed into a gown, everything off but my bracelets which I refused to take off. It was cold as ice in the room of course so we called to see if they could turn the air off or something. I was shivering. We worked at getting Shade situated, it was about 0620 at this point.. I was supposed to go to surgery a little after 0700. My mom finally was on her way at about 0645, she was running late as well, and asked if we wanted anything from McDonald's, and I requested something for Shade since he was whining and appeared to be unsettled and bored despite his new toy that I got him (I got the idea to get him a small toy for each day we were at the hospital for every time he showed up that way he would feel less left out with everyone cooing over Isaac) and his iPad. Right before my mom got there, the nurses finally came in to start my IV and fluids and antibiotics. It was 0700 now, they had just had a delivery and an emergent patient who was in labor too early and they were having to fly out and it took them longer than anticipated because they couldn't get the helicopter there when they needed it because of low ceilings/fog. So since I wasn't emergent I was the backburner. But they attempted one IV in my left forearm and blew the vein but that was my fault, I requested that it not be in my hand or wrist or AC because I had stuff to do, haha. But Kristina came in and saved the day with a 20g in my right inner forearm. They started my first bolus, and it was about 0730 by then, and I was supposed to have already been in OR by this point but stuff happens. Mom and Maggie were there by that point and they were about to wheel me down around 0740 I think. So they came to get me.
We exited L&D and through the doors into the elevator. This was the ride I was dreading and they couldn't give me anything for anxiety so I had to tell myself this was a different baby, a different outcome...because as those elevator doors open and the OR door swung back and they were pushing me in the bed through those doors, my stomach went to my butthole. That is the only place in the world left that gives me PTSD to the point to where I've turned around and went the other way. I've also had my name whispered right in my ear by those doors and nobody standing there or anywhere near me. I made it through though. We were back in OR and I had to sign some other consent and the CRNA's spoke with me about the spinal which I'm all too familiar with so we got that ball rolling, I was leaned over the OR table with a pillow in my lap while they pushed around on my back and then the familiar bee sting of the lidocaine and then the pressure from the spinal needle started and I hear Andy coaching the newer CRNA along as to how to get the needle where it needed to be. After the second attempt she finally was successful ( and I'm not a hard spinal/epidural patient, she was just new and needed practice and I don't mind being the guinea pig ) and I felt them push air into the space which was equal to me on both sides of my hips which meant it was in the right spot. Then I felt them bolus me with the duramorph and fentanyl which kind of feels weird. So then I scooted myself back on to the OR table into position as they were counting tools, instruments, scurrying around getting things ready for Dr. Sink. Only staff was allowed in still at this point. Once I was numb from the nips down, they placed a foley, started draping, me, placed me on o2, started prepping my belly, and making sure I was on the monitors. I was flat on my back of course. I started to feel kind of funny and told Andy that I was having chest pressure, and just felt weird. He asked me if I was having anxiety and I said that of course I was but this was not a panic attack it was something else. I looked at the monitors and could see I was 100% and at the time my heart rate was still in the 90s but I felt like an elephant was on my chest. then I saw my blood pressure. It had dropped into the high 70s systolic. He noticed it as well. I then began to feel nauseated. The color black was closing in around my peripheral vision and I only had a small tunnel like hole to see out of. I felt dizzy. I felt like I couldn't catch my breath. Low 70s systolic now, 1 minute later. Andy assured me I would be okay and I kept reminding him that I did NOT want to blow chunks all over the OR. 62/38 now...I was slowly starting to fade out as I hear them behind me rattling around in the crash cart trying to get an IV medication to bring my BP back up before I went out...I was trying to steady my mind and body so that I didn't pass out and so that I didn't vomit. I hear Dr. Sink yell "get me the Doppler", which panicked me and my heart rate shot up into the 120s, because I thought something was happening with Isaac, since I couldn't feel him kicking or moving since I was numb now...and they were giving me that medication, I didn't know what was going on...but then I heard the steady chugging of his heart beat and my fears for him were wiped away (turns out this is routine procedure to get the FHR before the first cut) but I was still scared for myself because now it looked like I was looking through a paper towel tube and I could barely get a word out. Slowly my blood pressure started to rise, and when it got back into the mid 70s systolic my field of vision widened. 80s, my shortness of air went away, my nausea subsided, high 80s, my chest pressure was mostly gone. it never got above low 90s systolic but with two doses of 100mg of Ephedrine, my BP normalized and they were allowed to let a family member back, and they did. And then I also saw Donna and Kristina there. Kristina was assisting and Donna was waiting on Isaac to come out to assess him because she came in on her day off work just to be there for us and to take care of Isaac because that's what I wanted and I didn't really care for the pediatrician who was on call. Now it was nearing 0820. In just a few minutes Isaac would be here.
at 0824, I felt a lot of pressure on my abdomen and I saw tiny baby feet wrapped in Dr. Sink's giant hands raise up over the drapes, and he flipped him around and I saw his scrunched up face all slimy and grey looking...no cries yet, which frightened me, but they suctioned him a little and by the time he was on the warmer he was screaming. Let me tell you, that cry was the synchronous with the first time I had taken a real, full breath of air in a year and 20 days. He was here. He was alive. He was passing his APGAR scores, he was healthy. He was ALIVE. Isaac Townes was here!! He was 6lb11oz and 19" long! They wiped him off and handed him to me while I was on the table and they were finishing up my surgery and I held him and cried and nuzzled his little chest where he was quiet and I heard his little heart beating beneath his chest and his chest was rising and falling with each breath and I could feel the warmth coming from his little nose as he breathed. The last time I held a baby in this fashion, none of that happened. they took him away again and took him to the nursery to get cleaned up while I got finished and closed up. I went to PACU for about 15 minutes while I was antsy to get back upstairs and nagging them that I was okay, I needed ice chips, and please hurry this stuff up so I can get back upstairs, I'm fine!!!!!!!!
At probably 0900 they finally wheeled me back up to L&D. They had bathed Isaac and got him all wrapped up I knew that. Apparently Shade had been pacing the floors of the waiting room...clearly showing that he was nervous for me, I'm sure because he vividly remembers the last experience of coming to the hospital thinking we were going to be bringing home a living baby. They finally brought Isaac to me...and that was all she wrote. As if I wasn't in love with him enough; there he was...perfect. Dark hair. Perfect lips. 10 tiny toes and 10 tiny fingers. He looked like Emma...same hair line and everything. He wanted nothing but to be against my chest and started eating just like a champ. We spent some time with just him, then we let Shade in and he was sooo proud. Then we started slowly letting the grandparents in, everyone was just elated. I was nervous and paranoid and refused to put him down and everyone else only got to hold him briefly and I used germs and breastfeeding as an excuse. I only let him go to the nursery a few times for absolutely necessary procedures because somehow I was afraid if I let him out of my sight something would happen.
After a 2 night stay, sometime in the afternoon of the 24th of September, we were released. Happy and healthy. I somehow thought we'd leave with an empty car seat, empty arms again...no matter how secure and safe everything was, I still had that fear something was going to happen, it was surreal. But he's here. And now he's 2 years old already.
He is the most happy, funny, upbeat, silly little toddler I've ever met! He has this huge, dynamic, loud, determined, strong willed personality. He's as stubborn as any kid I've ever seen. He brings so much joy to all our lives. He literally put the color back in my world. He loves his buhboh and his buhboh loves him to the moon.
He loves Secret Life of Pets, Trolls, Daniel Tiger, and anything that has wheels, a propeller, or a rotor blade. He loves to dance and listen to music. His favorite is "Shape of You" by Ed Sheeran which he calls "SONG". He jabbers away and isn't afraid to let you know what he wants. He's constantly getting in to stuff, falling, getting bruised up, and loves to compete; whether it be for attention or for whatever he wants. But he can be sooooo squishy. He loves to hug and kiss and snuggle and hold hands. He's the perfect little fella. Emma definitely knew what I needed when she hand picked him for me.
We love you Isaac Townes!!!!!!!!!!
Happy Happy Birthday <3 <3 <3
Comments
Post a Comment